Please note that I ask a lot of questions throughout the review, you by no means have to answer them, they are simply to get you thinking more in-depth about your character. Enjoy!
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Fandom: Their Fandom is original, and they are a part of the what I suspect will be a trilogy, (although this might change) named Color Theory. There are sorting systems, in this case colors, used to display the importance and personality of a color. Sometimes secondaries, tertiaries, or quaternaries will be influenced by the higher color. Ex. The person that is the quarternary color of mint is influenced by the religous beliefs of the person represented by green, but is still their own character.
[ I have to ask because colour seems important here, would colour blindness in your universe have more of an impact on someone's life? The colours are linked to personality, so perhaps because someone with colour blindness cannot accurately distinguish certain colours or easily confuses certain ones, they may have difficulty in society when having to interact with other 'colours' {aka. personalities}. Yeh, something to think about.]
The personality is always influenced by the color, ex how Ponkomeki struggles with anxiety is influenced by his color of blue.
[ Is the colour/personality relation thing set in stone, like collectively agreed upon that blue relates to anxiety/struggling, or is it a subjective thing?]
The importance is dictated by how far away from the center a color would be in a color wheel. Primaries, Yellow Red and Blue, along with the only two shades, Dark Blue and Pink, are the most important.
[ Dark blue is the shade, pink, however, its own hue... or depending on who you ask a tint.]
The Monochromes, Grey Black and White, have the equivalency of importance as the secondaries. The secondaries, Green Orange and Purple, are less important but still impact the story.
[ Individual primary colours may also be monochromes, that just means a variety of tones, shades, whatever, in one colour. Achromatic, meaning without colour, should do the job and sum your greys, blacks and whites a bit better than monochrome does. Achromatic is more exclusive to these colours... or non-colours.]
Anything below or equal to tertiary is not relevant to the story, although they may make cameos, only exist to add realism to the world and supply human interaction outside of the Primaries, Shades, Monochromes, and Secondaries. The Tertiary colors are also Chartreuse, Teal, Vermilion, Amber, Violet, and Magenta. There is also a debateable character named Jonathan, represented by brown. The colors a character has does not dictate family, although it does dictate friends, and also does not dictate your skin tone.
Location and Time: Trenton, New Jersey. Sometimes in flashbacks other countries may be mentioned, but the present day is in Trenton. Also, the story takes place from 2001 to 2013.
[ Right on.]
Full name and Nicknames: The full name of the OC I am submitting is Ponkomeki Daryl Jefferson, although some nicknames are Ponko, because of the length of his name.
[ What does his name mean? How did his parents come to name him this? Not gonna lie it seems like quite an odd name doesn't seem much of an English name or much of an American name. Hell, or even much of an anything name, Google's not offering any insight so a good guess it's something you've made up. It's an original fandom, for all I know it might be common to have an unusual first name and it would almost seem that way looking at names like Lenkizen and Cimeries, but then we've got his brother's oddball name of Jonathan. So, I'm not sure what's going on, if it's normal for the universe, fair enough Jonathan's just the odd one out, if not, Ponkomeki and co look like the odd ones out.]
He has been mockingly called sexually degrading words which I choose not to say because of his homosexuality. The first story takes place in 2001, so this is still seen as an abnormal occurance.
Age: Ponkomeki's age in the first book is 25, in the second 29, and in the last 31. (Age in 2001, age in 2005, and age in 2007.) During a snippet of a wedding in 2013, he is 37. He was born on July 11th, 1976.
Gender: He is biologically (and identifies as) a male. Although he will crossdress occasionally, usually to get into restaurants.
Sexuality: His sexuality is a very big problem for him, as homosexual people were often shunned and punished whether it be from the public, local authorities or law enforcement. He identified as straight although it was obvious that he lacked attraction towards the opposite sex and later when firing because of sexuality was illegalized in Trenton, New Jersey, he came out as a gay male, but rarely mentions it as he deems it inappropriate to dictate his life.
[ Lovely.]
Species: His species is human. Unless you count the fact bananas share a lot of our dna, he's 100% human, without a doubt.
Nationality: Ponkomeki is A British American, who immigrated when he turned 18. He was born in Birmingham, England. To this day, he speaks a sometimes undechiperable when he's drunk cockney English.
[ Yep, I'm fine with that, one issue would be with the accent. Cockney is more of Londoners accent, typically an East-Enders accent. Ponko being born and raised in good old Brum would more likely give him the delightfully monotone Brummie accent over the Cockney one. I'm gonna run with the idea that he was meant to have the Brummie accent, how does he feel about his accent? Have others shared their opinions on his alcohol-fuelled accent? I don't know how the accent is seen overseas but within Britain, particularly England, it doesn't have the best reputation. Have a deeper look into the many, many regional accents of Britain, as well as the dodgy accent social hierarchy thing we've got going.]
Appearance: Ponkomeki is an average European in terms of appearance. Dirty blonde short hair in a Sherlock-curl style and blue eyes, along with almost monochrome white skin.
[ Relatable, painfully so.]
He's a handsome guy.
[ Not so relatable. But agreed he does seem as though he would be a good looking lad.]
Even then, he is sorely underweight because of an illness named Borderline Personality Disorder, which will be mentioned later. He, at 5 foot 6, weighs only 105 pounds.
[ That works.]
Because of their job and overworking habits, they are often seen in a Policeman's uniform. Other than that they wear average clothing for their time and age.
Health: Their health both mentally and physically is rather poor. Like I mentioned earlier, there are underweight. Because of their risky job as well, they have multiple stab and bullet wounds in certain areas, although this does not stop their commitment.
[ It would make sense with him being underweight, it would be likely that lawbreakers could overpower him in close quarters.]
His mental health, like I mentioned earlier, is partially disabled by BPD, which can make him angry or anxious about sudden changes in routine, the lack of a loved ones presence (ex. A friend going on a vacation), and other things as well which could make this list way too long. They also have common symptoms like suicidal thoughts, emotional instability, ect.
[ How does he feel about having BPD? When did he get diagnosed with it, if he has been diagnosed? How did he deal with it prior to knowing he had it? What sort of difficulties does having BPD cause Ponko and his law enforcement career? I have an awful feeling that Ponko would most definitely struggle with policing due to his weight but mainly his BPD. He is going to be faced with sudden changes, calm situations which can very quickly turn south, situations which would require him to keep a clear focused head as to avoid harm to himself and to others. I don't think it would be safe for him to become a police officer, for his own safety and to those around him.]
Personality: Their personality is rather instable. They can have harsh mood swings, although depressive thoughts kill most of his motivation to reveal true colors.
[ How does he feel about not being able to fully express his true colours? How does he deal with his mood swings? With his depressive and suicidal thoughts? Consider how his depressive thoughts may cause problems with family, friends, his education, his job. I'm running with the idea that Ponko has been diagnosed and usually diagnosed people's symptoms tend to improve over time as they get the correct help and learn to better cope with their BPD. That's a little something to consider, while I'm on the topic might as well think about when his BPD came into being and how it affected him growing up with both his social life as well as education. Perhaps if he has any coping strategies of his BPD.]
Although in a good mood he can be flirty and a practical jokester. He is very affectionate and clingy, which can drive people off.
[ How often are his good moods? What things can put him into a good mood? How successful is he with his flirting?]
He is prone to anxiety and doesn't like to take risks. He is a Wait For It person overall.
[ How does he feel about his anxiety? How does it make him feel? How does he deal with it? What's Ponko's opinions of people who take risks, who act quickly, perhaps an example could be a fellow officer to takes a massive risk to catch a suspect or save a hostage?]
Skills: Despite his fears of literally everything he is excellent when it comes to firearms which became a motivation for his job.
[ How long did it take for him to become excellent with firearms? How does he feel about potentially taking to take someone's life? Has he taken a life before? Has he shot someone before and if so how did he feel after the fact?]
He is stealthy and a good liar, although he tends to be truthful most of the time.
[ How does he feel about lying? Where did he pick up these skills? Bit of an obvious question but how do these skills benefit Ponko?]
He also seems to be good artistically, although this talent was withheld because his parents thought of it as being too girly for a boy.
[ In what way is Ponko 'good artistically'? In actually making art? If so what branch of art is he good at? Or is he good at creative thinking? Maybe I'm digging too deep into this but if his mother raised him as genderless, she wouldn't see him or at least class him as a boy, would she... maybe? So something being either too girly or too boyish for Ponko wouldn't affect his mother because to her Ponko would be neither girl or boy? Eh? I don't know, maybe just say his father and brother were against his artistic ways?]
Weaknesses: Ponkomeki is extremely sensitive emotionally and can start waterworks just by a simple raise of a voice. He's very susceptible to insults and will take most things personally, which can cause a big blow to his self-esteem.
[ Did these cause any issues with his police training? I'm sure it would, definitely would in the field. How does he feel about his sensitivity? How do others feel about his waterworks?]
He is also helpless to the people he loves, in constant fear of losing them. He never dared to tell anyone about this though, because of sadness being only a feminine thing back then.
[ I wouldn't say sadness is only a feminine thing, I would, however, say it's more accepted for women to express sadness because unfortunately, society has decided to tell men that it's a weakness to express feeling. I like what you're getting at, how does Ponko feel about expressing emotion being a weakness or being a feminine trait-thing, perhaps about the common beliefs of homosexuals, transgender people, cross-dressing and so on.]
Strenghts: His strengths aren't something he likes to reveal, but he can be very insightful and always pays attention to every detail, whether it be something he sees, hears, etc. He cares a bit too much about how others feel and is always there to comfort people. Whether it be a small talk or a bit of intimacy, he always knows how to get a person back on their feet.
[ Seems alright, they tie into his BPD.]
Fears: His fears are primarily caused by childhood faultiness. He lacks the courage to stand up for himself or sometimes even speak his mind. Even then, he still feels guilt for this because of his gender. He's afraid of expressing any romantic attraction in fear of falling in love of someone people didn't approve of or someone he didn't love. His is also scared of family interactions.
[ No issues with the above, but do have a look into the fear of abandonment for Ponko. I think it would make sense with a lack of a loved one being able to trigger is BPD, him being clingy as well as being scared of his family ignoring him. Have a little look into it and see what you think.]
Relationship with family: The relationship with his family is rather distant. Even though he still loves them he does not interact with them in fear of criticism or being ignored. He felt like simply the scraps of his brother Jonathan and stopped trying to appeal to any relatives.
[ Good opening for his family relationships but we could do with a bit more about how they would interact, their individual opinions of each other, a bit about their personality and such.]
Relationship with friends: Even though he lacks a relationship with his family, he is a loving friend, even towards the more abusive ones like Lenkizen and Cimeries. He's loyal and caring and more than anyone could really ask for. His loyalty eventually almost caused his death, when Cimeries went mad and attempted to murder him, although failed.
[ Similarly to the family, it's a good start you've got, just need to touch up on their personalities there and here, perhaps a bit about what Ponko thinks of them. Think about mentioning a bit about Lafayette and Fuzakro, how and why Ponko finds these people attractive?]
Backstory: Ponkomeki grew up in an emotionally abusive home and was not recognized as being in a bad home because of primitive cares for non-physical abuse. His mother raised him genderless and it led to being judged in school although teachers helped defend him.
[ How did this make him feel? Both his mother's choice to raise him this way and about the judging at school?]
He was criticized by his coach for being too feminine and was threatened to be expelled multiple times for being a possible transgender.
[ How'd it make him feel? Did he confide in anyone about what was happening at school?]
Because of his brother's physical success along with average grades, he was more recognized by his mother than Ponkomeki. Later in college, he was pushed towards a career he didn't want, which only displeased his parent even further, but luckily he could become a policeman with a few student loans.
[ It's your own universe so I don't know the police recruit requirements or even if there are any. In Britain, good guess, in America too there are BMI requirements to begin the police career. Usually, they have a period of time during training where the recruit in question is to gain or lose however much weight they need to hit the required BMI. I see that Ponko must be struggling financially if he's getting additional loans, but I think it would be interesting to see him work through his BPD [to whatever degree of success] to attempt to tackle his weight problem, I'm assuming, get his 'dream' job/career. Even having him just be able to push his weight up so his BMI is borderline healthy would be enough I reckon, you could have his weight drop back to 'sorely underweight' when all his PTSD hits him...that's my pennyworth anyway.]
In his adult life, he quickly became an alcoholic. High school and college friends were his primary sources of comfort and helped stop his alcohol addiction. He quickly fell in love with Lafayette Miron Taipella and later Fuzakro Carnation Kulog, who he got married to in 2013 shortly after it became legal. His career in law enforcement led him to be in therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and eventually in his mid-life he was able to heal from most of his emotional scars, which happen outside of the trilogy.
[ Was therapy difficult for him? Was it something he wanted to participant in?]
He also became slightly poor because of therapy expenses.
[... and paying back student loans.]
A happy end.
Now let's get down to business...
Pros
· Interesting concept for a universe. I have some questions separate from the review just because I'm interested in the idea like is it possible for people to have more than one colour? Are people's colours able to shift? Do alcohol and or drugs [both medical and recreational] have the potential to temporarily shift colours? Are 'personality colours' susceptible to the phenomenon of iridescence?
· The degrading names work with the time of the story and his sexuality and gender issues seem to be done well.
· Appearance fine and the scars from his job makes sense due to him being underweight.
· His fears are fine, just have a look into the fear of abandonment.
Cons
· We've got weird names and then a usual common name, give us one or the other or a reason why Jonathan's called Jonathan rather than something Ponkomeki-esque
. Check the accent. From East London, he'll be more likely to have a Cockney accent. From Birmingham, he'll be more likely to have a Brummie accent.
. His BPD seems to be researched well, however, we lose it in the backstory and it doesn't seem like the best decision to put him in the police as it would most likely cause more of a hindrance than a help.
. Personality seems alright, just think about the whys and how he feels about aspects of his personality. It's a similar thing with his skills as well, looking at the comments made during the review will hopefully help you with these.
. Good start to both his family and friends, just think about telling us a bit more about the individuals as well as adding Lafayette and Fuzakro into his relationships.
Possible Improvements/Changes...
It seems that the naming pattern/tradition for this universe is an odd name followed by two or one usual names. That's fair enough, the only problem is when we've got his brother called Jonathan which throws the whole tradition out the window. To get around this we could change all the made-up names, Cimeries and perhaps Lafayette because I'm sure that's a last name [It's probably used as a first name today but I doubt it would be in the 70s, or is it was it'll be extremely rare of a name.] However, I'd suggest against that because I like the weird/unusual names you've picked, so the easiest things to do could be just to give Jonathan an equally weird/unusual first name and push Jonathan to be his middle name.
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I don't see his career choice working out for him, I don't really see him getting accepted into the academy if I'm honest. He'll have to tell them of his condition on his application so it's not like he could pull a fast one and lie about it. It'll be too much of a risk to put an already unstable person into potentially unknown and quick-changing situations. So moving forward, consider other parts of the law enforcement, perhaps rather than becoming a police officer he goes into the forensic side, he would have to go to the crime scene, seeing and documenting whatever atrocities there are and this could be where his PTSD comes from. For me, it would seem like a safer option rather than him being a police officer. To work this into his backstory, you make him just switch courses rather than getting student loans to become an officer.
Naturally, the second solution to this issue would come from adjusting his mental health so he's less of a risk in the situations a police officer would have to face on the day-to-day. Out of the two options I was able to muster up, I would go with messing with his career rather than his health. Messing with his health will mean having to relook at a couple of other things, from his personality, weaknesses, strengths, backstory and potentially even his colour of blue. So I would go for the first one but that's for you to decide.
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We've got a good set up for Ponko's family, we've got some interesting elements at play from the little we get about them, for example, his mother raising him a genderless, his brother potentially being the 'golden kid', the emotional trauma and so on.
To begin to take his relationships with these characters to the next level, think about his family's individual personalities, about their views of sexuality, gender and mental health [just because those seem to be recurring themes within Ponko's story.] Perhaps a bit about why Ponko still loves his family despite the criticism and potential favouritism his parents had for his brother, why his mother chose to raise him genderless, how he feels about her decision to go this, does he want to be able to interact and or have a healthy relationship with his family, why does he want this. That's just a few things to start you off with thinking about how to expand a little more on his family. Oh, and names, just give 'em names.
A similar thing for his friends, just think of them as individual characters and give them a brief personality, then think about how the pair would interact. For Ponko's two lovers, think about why he's attractive to them.
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Think about adding his BPD into his backstory a bit. When did he discover he had it? Does he actually know he's got it? How he feels about having it? How his BPD as at different times in his backstory? It seems to mould a massive part of him from his personality to his weaknesses and strengths so I would assume it at least get mentioned in the backstory, it just seems a bit forgotten about. If the symptoms are in some sort of recession, if it is then it's not stated how he even got into that state of recession. It just needs bringing back into the swing of things and for how it would interact with aspects of Ponko's life to be considered. For example, education, career, relationships and so on.
[These are just suggestions, you by no means have to do any of these.]
Mary Sue?
I don't think he is, it's close, but I'm gonna say he's not. Just be careful not to lose his BPD and think if his law enforcement career is the best choice for someone with it.
Marks & Grades
Originality - 7
Overall Grade – C
' It's the colours you have. No need to be sad. It really ain't that bad. It's the colours you have. No need to be sad. You've still got your hand.'
- Grouplove, Colours.
Thank you to XxCosmicSundownxX for submitting Mr Ponkomeki, it's been a pleasure reviewing him!
[If you have any questions or queries about this review or require any help with this or any future OC just drop me a message, I'd be happy to help any way I can.]
×Isaac×