Looking back, I've never felt confident. I've never felt happy with myself or my life until now. Until Awsten. There was always this piece of me that was missing. He fit there perfectly. He was the missing piece to my puzzle. The entire world could be at war around me and as long as I had him I knew that everything would be okay. My life before meeting ATL was barely a life worth living. At that point in time I had accepted that I would forever be worthless and that I would just be a disappointment to everyone. That all changed.
"Tori?" Awsten asks, shaking my shoulder some. I look at him, eyes widened.
"I got lost again, didn't i?" I ask and he frowns, nodding some.
"You don't have to tell me."
"I'm going to." I say sternly, gripping my pant legs anxiously. I needed to do this. I had to.
"My life was good until I was 8. I had a happy family. We were always at the beach, playing in the sand. I remember the overwhelming happiness I used to have every Friday when we loaded up the truck and went out for the weekend. I was practically raised in the sea. But then things started to change. My parents made some friends while we were at the pier once. I was too young to understand what was happening. I was too young to realize that they weren't friends. They were fuck buddies. They were alcoholics. They were home wreckers. They destroyed mine. Right down to the very beginning. We would go to the beach less and less. Trips would be more and more rare over time. Eventually it all just stopped." I start, looking down at my black boots. I shuffled some, nervously explaining my past.
"We spent majority of our time at home. Our house used to be pretty nice. Bright yellow exterior with a beautiful garden and flowers everywhere. My mom loved daises. They were her favorite. They were absolutely everywhere. Dad always took care of everything and made sure the yard was fixed the way she wanted it done. Over time, the daises died. The perfectly kept yard overgrew it's boundaries. The yellow paint chipped off the siding of the house, falling down into the disaster of a garden that once stood there proudly. It was shameful. It was like the house died with my happiness." I glanced over at Awsten who listened patiently. He focused on every word, treasuring them.
"Slowly, the inside matched the outside. The hell i lived in was bursting out of every crack and crevice possible. I can still hear the slamming of doors and I can still hear the echoed footsteps coming down the hallway. I remember the day my mom swung open my bedroom door, ripped me out of my bed, and threw me down onto the ground as hard as possible. She was screaming at the too of her lungs. You're worthless. Nothing but a waste of time. I should've left you at the hospital. I remember the ache in my bones as I covered my ears as hard as possible to try to drown it out. Sometimes it's like I can still feel the bruises along my ribs. She slammed down her vodka bottle and it shattered all around me. She stormed out, yelling at dad now. Deadbeat. Never amount to anything. Just like your father. I remember sitting up, picking out pieces of glass from my skin for the next week." I run my fingers through my hair, taking a deep breath. I looked down at my arms. The cigarette burns had faded overtime but still remained with the memories of what once was.
"I remember the day I left. I held onto my teddy bear so goddamn tight that night, Awsten. It was the last good thing I had. I didn't have friends. I didn't any real family. All I had was me, my broken heart, and a stuffed bear. I spent the next three years in and out of foster homes. I never stayed one place for too long. God knows I tried. No one wants a mentally unstable teenager. Not by choice. But things were different when I met Jack. He was different. He didn't judge me for my scars. He didn't laugh at me when I tripped and dropped my coffee everywhere on the first day of school. He never once questioned why I couldn't eat at school. He never judged me for existing. He treated me like I was human. It had been years since I felt that." I pause, feeling tears sting at my eyes. I push them back, closing my eyes. I sigh, continuing.
"Jack and I have history. History I'm not sure you want to know." I say, looking over at Awsten. He looked me in the eyes, studying my expression.
"I want to know, if you're ready to tell me." He says and I not some, looking down again, picking at my nails.
"At one point, I really liked Jack. I guess I was just vulnerable. He was the first person who seemed to genuinely care about me in my life. I fell for it. I fell hard. I was going to confess to him one night after a show. He had ran off as soon as it ended. I ended up finding him later, passed out with a half dressed girl laying on top of him. That shit hurt. It burned another hole in me, the only difference was placement. You can't see emotional wounds. I decided I was gonna get over him. I did everything possible. Ignored him for weeks, got rid of our pictures, hid his hoodie, everything. Alex must've told him about it because next thing I know he's outside my house, standing in the rain, knocking on the door as loud as possible. I opened the door and he kissed me. In a fit of rage, i pushed him back and slapped him. I immediately apologized and cried. I'm not a very fierce person." I bite my lip, peeling at the layer of skin on top.
"He said he didn't know what he was doing. He said he loved me. He said he wanted to be with me. But I just couldn't. Not after what I saw. We ended up just working out how to he friends. The rest is history. Us deciding to be just friends was the best decision we could've ever made for our relationship. Awsten please know i don't love him. I love you. More than anything." I look at him with tears in my eyes. He sighs, pulling me close. I lean into his chest as he wraps his arms around me.
"I know. I love you too, Tori. Your past doesn't make you who you are. I love you. Not your history." He says, kissing my forehead.
"Promise?" I ask, looking up at him. He giggles some.
"Promise." He kisses my nose and I frown.
"Okay e-boy. Way to ruin the moment."
"You're too fucking cute I can't help it!" He says, laughing some. The bus door opens and Geoff pokes his head in.
"You're gonna wanna see this." He says, walking away. Awsten and I look at each other before racing out of the bus. I won. We follow Geoff over to the ATL bus where Alex is locked inside.
"How the actual fuck did you manage to lock yourself inside the bus?" I ask and Alex groans on the other side of the door.
"Geoff you wasn't supposed to fucking tell people!!" He moans in frustration, banging on the door.
"Use the handle, dipshit." Jack says, his voice muffled by the door.
"Wait, how many of you are locked in there?" Awsten asks and Geoff sighs.
"Otto is there too." He says, pointing at the window where the curly haired boy waves.
"Hey otter." I giggle some. Zack and Rian are arguing over how to unlock the door. I look down at the corner of the window and tilt my head some.
"The windows open." I say and the boys pause, looking at it.
"Do you think you could climb out?" Rian asks and Jack automatically yells no.
"I refuse to leave until I fix it like a man!" He yells, crossing his arms.
"Why did I choose the dumbest band in existence to roommate with.." I mumble, opening the storage space under the bus. I grab a tool box and hand it to Otto.
"What's this for?" He asks and I sigh in frustration.
"Automatic button doors. Short in the wiring. It's a simple fix. I'm sure you can handle it." I explain and Otto's eyes widen.
"Oh god damnit. Zack, throw me."
"Uh, what?" He asks, looking at me with a raised eye brow.
"Did I stutter?"
"No ma'am." Zack says, lifting me up to the window. I climb in and make my way over to the console, popping it open. Within minutes I fix the wiring and the door opens, smacking Geoff in the face.
"That's karma for laughing at us." Alex says, walking off the bus.
"Did none of you ever take mechanics in school?" I ask and they all say no is unison.
"Of course not." I laugh, putting away the tools. The boys all thank me and go to set up for the show. I laugh some, going onto the bus to get some peace and quiet.