MMITH
26 Days until War
It was around 4am when I was tossing and turning in my sheets, insomnia forcing me to think about what happened tonight between Harry and I. My body and mind as so tired when I was getting ready for bed, but ever since we kissed it woke me right up.
"I love you so much." His replaying words were in the back of my head like a broken record.
After we stopped, he hugged me and said goodnight. He looked like a hundred things were going through his head in that moment. We said our goodnight and he quietly went back to his room, leaving me in mine. Everything was so much to process, I've never been so overwhelmed in emotion.
So now it was 4am and I couldn't sleep. I was restless due to my thoughts and shaken up by everything that has happened. Every part where he touched me I could still feel it like a permanent residues on my skin. When I felt my bottom lip I could immensely remember what his felt like against it. I've never felt such raw physically attraction, it made me curious about him. I never wanted to touch and hold someone so badly in my life.
I gave into insomnia, sitting up in my bed and slinging my feet to the floor. I just needed water, that will do it.
I got up in my dark bedroom, opening the door and proceeding to walk down the dark hallway to the stairs. I yawned even though I was wide awake, stepping down to the stairs cautiously. When I reached the ground floor, I blindly lead my way to the kitchen and hoped to not smash into anything. When I reached the kitchen my hands patted the wall until I found the switch.
When I flicked the light switch on, light shined in my eyes and I was facing the wall to where the switch was. When I turned back I around go face the kitchen, I jumped out of startle to see Harry sitting at the island counter, looking right at me.
"Christ!" I exclaimed in shock, my heart racing and my stomach jumping.
"Sorry." He rasps while his temple was resting into his propped hand.
"Why are you up?" I asked, still trying to control my heart rate form the jump scare.
"Why are you up?" He answers with a question.
"I couldn't sleep." I shook my head.
"Well me neither." He joined, eyes heavy like he needed sleep but couldn't get it just like me.
"How come?" I then asked while shuffling over to the fridge, opening it up and grabbing two water bottles for the both of us.
"I struggle with sleeping sometimes." He murmurs as I shut the fridge and turn back around, walking over to the island to where he sat with his forearms on the granite counter top.
"And that is because.." I trial for more answers, sitting down next to him.
"Because I have a lot of things on my mind, and it stresses me out." He answers in a dull manor, looking almost depressed but maybe it was his sleep deprived state that gave that impression.
"Well tell me about them, maybe I can help you out just by talking about them." I say in hope while placing a water bottle in front of him.
"Thanks." He says in regards to the water. "But, no thanks." He then says in regards of my suggestion.
"I don't want you to be stressed, you'll make it worse for yourself if you bottle it up." I say in hope he'll listen.
"I don't think it will help talking about it." He looks ahead instead of at me to his left, fingers twiddling with the water bottle. His hooded eyes looked like they were carolling more then just tiredness.
"You won't know till you try." I reach out and place my hand on his that was on the table, him freezing his moving fingers that play with the bottom of the bottle. He just looked so sad and I wanted to fix it.
There was a silent pause before he finally turned his head to my direction and peered right into my eyes.
"I want to get high Amelia." He says in the most monotone state, features solid like rock.
I looked at his serious expression, not expect to hear that out of all things. What did he mean by high? Did he mean high high? Like narcotic high? Or was he referring to pot? The only information I know about Harry's drug past was the day I awoke from the coma and he confessed how he lost Briar because he was 'using' again. We never talked about it since.
"What do you mean, high?" I asked timidly for details.
"I want to snort a line of coke on this marble counter. I want to feel the burn in my nose and endure the numbness taking over my bloodstream." He says bluntly, explaining the details which made my stomach knot. He seemed so different all the sudden, not the soft gentle guy I've gotten to know these past while. He looked drained, dark like something flipped in him. We all have our darkest moments where things like pure smiles and eccentric laughters fade away. And this was his, he was in his darkest hour.
"W-why?" I whispered.
"Because I want the pain to go away." He confesses in a quiet tone.
"Why are you in pain?" I murmur.
We just kissed for the first time to my recollection a couple hours ago, and now he's in pain? Was it something I did?
"Because I love you so much." He starts, catching me off guard while he looked back at his hands on the counter rather then me. "I love you so much and I can't have you like I used to." He adds with despair in his voice, making me feel guilty.
"I— I'm sorry." I whisper.
"It's not your fault, this will never be your fault." He looks back at me in seriousness so I don't blame myself. "I understand you didn't ask to loose your memories or even to be in this position to begin with. But having you hear, has been the most bittersweet thing I've ever experienced." He whispers thoroughly.
"How so?" I barely made a noise.
He freezes and sighs to himself, facing me now on the rotating chairs and grabbing my hand off my lap and keeping it between his large ones.
"I can look at you, I can talk to you, I can touch you, but I can't make you love me." He murmurs with his eye on like to the point it was so intimidating.
"I'm trying it's just har—"
"No, please don't try to justify this, none of what I'm saying is at your fault. I didn't even know how to love before I met you so don't think I'll be disappointed because you can't love me after only a small amount of time of knowing my existence. But this is so hard for me, as I can imagine it is for you. I feel pain when I see you walk around in your own pyjamas instead of my shirts, I feel pain when I watch you hesitate to hold your daughter, and I feel pain when I look into your eyes and see how they don't look at me like they used too. It's like you're physical body is here but the person I used to know on the inside isn't. And I still love you with everything I possibly have, but I just miss...you. That's why I want to get high, why I want to numb this pain I have deep within myself." He spills, my heart racing the entire time while his hand still held mine.
I didn't know why to say.
"I-I don't want you to get high Harry, please." I whisper in hope it wouldn't come to that.
"I won't, I promise. But the fact that I want to, scares the absolute shit out of me. I'm a recovering addict, and it freaks me out knowing I even want something like cocaine right now after everything it's ruined for me. My mouth even waters when I think of oxy and its something I can't control." He says in grief, really making my heart break knowing he battles with these cravings.
"This is how you feel all the time?" I ask.
"The nights are when it effects me the most, but tonight I feel it so much more intensely." He shuts his eyes and shakes his head in struggle.
"Why?" I murmur.
"Because I kissed you tonight."
My eyes couldn't help but widen a bit as he still held my hand. I didn't know how to feel by that.
"Kissing me makes you wanna do drugs?" I whispered in confusion.
"No." He mumbles. "Kissing you is what silenced every craving I had besides the one just for you. But when we stopped, it just reminded me of how I will never live long enough for you to love me in a kiss. And that exact dark empty feeling is what makes me want to do drugs again." He clarified, my palms sweating within his.
I paused with a frozen face, not knowing where to even start with his. He craves drugs often and when we kiss it disperses every drug craving he has. But then when we stop it makes it even worse. I didn't know what this solution was, either way he suffers.
"I'm sorry Amelia I shouldn't be loading this all on you." He lets go of my hands and shakes his head, turning back to face the counter again.
"No, please don't say that." I place my hand on his broad back in instinct. "Harry no matter how much time we have left together, I will always have a special place for you in my heart. I may not be able to say the words I love you, but I care for you and our daughter a lot. Knowing that you have to go to this bloodbath war makes me so devastated because I don't want you to die. I can't begin to see what this life is without you because you're all I know of it. So please don't think you mean next to nothing in my mind." I try to comfort him with words from my heart.
All I wanted to do was tell this man I loved him, but I couldn't lie to him like that. He deserved more then fake love.
He was still looking down at the counter top as my hand was on his back. I placed my other hand on his opposing cheek and made him look at me.
"I mean it." I say while staring deep into his dark eyes in hope to find some middle ground. I didn't want him to be this sad.
His green eyes flicked back and forth between mine, not choosing an iris to stay on. I held both of his cheeks as his face was relaxed and hair was pushed back.
"You're so beautiful Amelia." He whispers a gravelled tone, analyzing my face.
I know I was blushing just by the heat radiating in my cheeks, my heart palpitating.
"So are you, and I hope you know that." I whisper back.
"You're the only one whose ever made me feel beautiful." He says back with a straight face, my eyes still frozen on his.
I stand up from my seat and step right up to him within the place between us. My arms wrap around his neck as I stand between his legs and give him a firm embrace.
His strong arms wrap around my lower back, hugging me to as our hearts beated together.
"We always used to have these little kitchen rendezvous' in the depth of the night." He says light heartedly over my shoulder, making me pull back so his hands moved from my back to my hips while I looked down at him with my hands on his shoulders.
"Yeah?" I ask for more.
"Mmhm." He nods.
"Why?" I ask.
"A lot of the time when you were pregnant you had trouble sleeping so you'd come sit in the kitchen and get something to eat. I'd join you so you wouldn't be lonely." He says, making a smile creep up my lips.
That's so sweet.
"And we'd just sit down here and talk until we got tired?" I ask with the warm image in my head.
"For the most part." He smiled.
"What do you mean?"
"I rather not say, you'll figure it out." He laughs a bit while still holding my hips
"Harry please." I plead back, feeling the tingling heat on my hips from where his hands were.
He snickers and shakes his head slightly, looking up at my persistence of wanting to know.
"We'd have sex Amelia." He said what I didn't expect, making my jaw drop out of habit and my stomach flip.
"In the kitchen?" I widened my eyes in shock.
"Mmhm." He hums with a nod.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and look around the kitchen with my eyes, I know this wasn't the same kitchen we lived in before but my curiosity was killing me.
"How but— where—"
"The counter if that's what you're asking." He answers one of the thoughts.
"The counter!" I widen my eyes and look at the counter, a shiver running up my spine knowing I did.. that on one once upon a time.
"Well where else do you think?" He laughed at my boggled reaction.
"I'm just shocked in general we did that in the kitchen. Didn't you say Louis and Niall lived with us?" I looked back down at him.
"Yeah, but they were asleep and you wanted me to fuck you." He says, catching me off guard from his cuss I never hear him say. "Well, I mean I think it was my idea actually but whatever." He shrugs the last part.
"But how if I.. was pregnant.. able to—"
"You weren't like eight months along, you weren't even four months at this point." He says back.
"But aren't I not suppose to lay on my stomach and stuff?" I asked out of confusion.
"Yeah not really. But why would you think you be laying on your st—" he stops himself as realization hit him for a change.
"Oh you think I bent you over and railed you?" He joked with a humorous smile.
I actually choked on my own saliva when he said railed, my eyes widening yet again.
"Sorry, bad choice of words." He realizes by my reaction. "But no, that's not what happened." He says while standing up, his height towering me again.
Harry grabs the bottle of water and opens it, taking his first sip while standing right in front of me at the counter.
"Then, what happened?" I asked quietly, a mix of curiosity and embarrassment. I don't know what I just asked that. What the hell was he gonna say?
He smirks while he drank from the water bottle, finishing a good quarter of it before putting in down and screwing the cap back on, not answering me.
When he placed the bottle down his hands went back to my hips but this time he lifted me up and rotated so I was sat on the edge of the counter. I gasped at the sudden transition being almost at his head level but not quite there still.
"You wanna know?" He murmurs, a spark of interest in his eyes. He stood between my parted knees, awaiting for my answer before proceeding.
I nodded quietly, not sure what he was going to do, my feet dangling off the island and the back of my knees on the edge of the counter.
With his inked hands gripped on my sides, I felt a spark of nervousness shoot through me.
"Well I'd lift you up on this counter." He rasps in a whisper, moving his large right hand to my lower back.
"Then pull you to the edge." He murmurs while suddenly pushing my lower back so I was slid to the edge of the counter, his lower region pressing between my legs but only lightly. My mouth went instantly dry and I felt heat all through my body.
"Hold you close.." He hiked my leg up from under my thigh so it was pressed to his side, his other hand grabbing the side of my neck as I felt like I couldn't think straight.
"Your hands here." He moved my hands to two different places, one on his back underneath his arm, the other in the nap of his hair. I felt the incredibly soft curls between my fingers.
His hand against my skin was making it almost burn, my stomach a pit as he was stood between my bare thighs. His face was also close to mine, making me hear the his calming exhales. I was frozen in front of him, mentally unable to move or speak. I looked into his forest green eyes and never realized how detailed they were, like he was withholding a whole world within them.
"Right here..." He whispers as the pad of his thumb brushed against the warm skin under my ear to where my jaw met my neck. "I'd graze my lips, right here." He spoke even quieter, the rasp coming deep within his throat.
A electric shock went up my spine.
His hold on me was something I never experienced before— in my head anyway. His body was radiating pure enticement and I've never met something like it. The way he breathed, the way he gravely spoke, the way his hands touched me— I was overwhelmed.
I looked at his eyes that were looking at my lips. We were only an inch apart, my throat tight. I looked down at his diamond shaped lips, seeing them parted and his lower lip slightly glossed. They were a soft shade of pink, slightly darker around the edges. They were perfect lips, ones I can't believe I kissed so many times in the past without recollection.
I wanted him to kiss me again.
Please kiss me again— I wasn't confident enough to do it first.
With my leg strapped up to his hip and my body slightly angled back on the edge of the counter, there was an unfamiliar ache in my anatomy that was making me think of things I never really think about. He was so close that I could smell the fabric softener on his shirt mixed with his natural aroma.
My hand slid from his back to his jagged side, near his hip and the hem of his shirt. My pinky finger was touching the slightest bit of his hot skin from between the fabric of his black shirt and track pants.
My eyes looked down at the spaces between our bodies, seeing there wasn't one between my open legs and his body standing at the edge of the counter. I looked at my hand that was on his hip, my fingers slowly starting to tether with the hem of his shirt.
I was breathing deeply, as was he. The rest of the room was dead silent but it only made our stammered breaths more noticeable in my ears. I looked back up at him to see his eyes were down at our attached bodies as well. My other hand slid form the back of his neck to his other hip, holding onto the hem of soft shirt. I had such a foreign craving for.. him. I've never felt anything like it before.
His hands move from my skin and place flat on the counter at either side of my body, leaning into them so he wasn't stretched forward in front of me. His forehead pressed to mine and our hips still together.
My heart was racing and my inner thighs started to tingle of the unfamiliar. I felt so out of my element, but in the right place. My leg gradually hooked around his hip, pushing him more to me so he was pressed between my legs.
He unsteadily exhaled while bringing his forehead to my shoulder. All of this was so new to me, but yet it all felt like an instinct. It was almost like I knew what to do.
His lips hovered over the arch of my neck, not touching it but almost and it drove me nuts. His hot exhale crashed against my sensitive skin and it was so bittersweet. I could almost feel his plump bottom lip brushing up it, but it wasn't. My eyes shut, my hand still on his hips while his were flat on the counter behind me. I felt so unsteady, weak. I was dying for something but I didn't know what. I think it was touch, I needed his touch because without it I was falling apart in this situation.
My brought his head back to me, our foreheads together while he was leaned into me. His eyes were shut as he breathed heavy. His lips were so close to mine that I needed to feel them again, I didn't want anything more in this very moment of time.
I swallowed my shyness and kissed him, immediately he kissed me back.
Our lips parted together as we kissed slow but passionately. Every kiss was followed by the crashes of our exhales and every physical part of me tensed but every mental part of me loosened at ease. His soft lips moved with mine in rhythm while he kept his hands on the counter and my body basically wrapped around him. He lead the kiss with such serenity yet building to something more and more at every breath. The speed started to increase, my grip started to get tighter.
He quickly went right to my neck, kissing it which was a whole new level of pleasure. My eyes stayed shut as I actually let out small whimper that I didn't expect. He kissed me all the way up to where my neck met my jaw, a really sensitive spot. It felt so great, a way I couldn't explain especially when this was the first time it's happened. My core started to ache, and it was a new yet unpleasing feeling. It was a good but distant pleasure that needed something to happen in order to be satisfied completely—or so it felt.
My hands started to pull his shirt from the bottom, slowly tracing it up his body in a barely noticeable manor, I was craving his skin contact. I wanted to feel his skin against mine, the warmth of his tainted skin.
"A-Amelia." He stopped kissing my neck and spoke into it with uneasiness in his voice, my hands freezing.
"It's okay." I say, knowing he was worried about me and where this was going. I needed to feel something.
"I-I can't." He shook his head in my shoulder and breathed heavy like me. "If we keep going it will be so hard for me to stop." He stammered in grief, his body pressed to mine.
He lifted his head and moved to my forehead, eyes squinted shut still like he was in pain for stopping and was trying his best to do so.
"Harry I—"
"You don't understand how long I've wanted something like this with you again but I can't Amelia, not now. I haven't been intimate with you in a long long time and doing just this right now is so hard not to give into it completely and go the whole way that I know you're not mentally prepared for. I know I started all of this right now but I need to control myself for your sake. Please." He said in such a tone of mixed emotions.
"Please." He repeated in a staggered pant, eyes opening this time to look at me. He didn't want me to try and convince him otherwise, because he knew it wouldn't be hard for me to do so.
I stared into his battling eyes and nodded, understanding where he was going. He was just looking out for me, I wasn't mentally ready for sex and he's kept that in mind this entire time. That's why he looked like he's almost in pain when stopping, he was craving my touch too but with so much more meaning then how I craved his. He was right, and I had to understand that.
"Okay." I whispered and nodded, my hands still on his hips.
"I-I'm sorry." He stuttered in guilt.
"Never be sorry for something like this." I correct. "It's okay." I finished.
I could never imagine what he was going through, loosing the person he loved and had them back but with no recollection. I know he loves me, and I know he absolutely loved the person I used to be. I was in a coma for months to where he didn't have me anymore. And now that I was back but with no memories, he had to contain himself. So me throwing myself at him wasn't helping, I had to control myself too.
After all, I wasn't ready to sleep with him, so I need to stop teasing him like this. I can't be going to take off his shirt and pushing his body to mine like it doesn't make him so crazy.
"Let's just go to bed okay?" I whisper while taking my hand and brushing his thick dark hair back on the side of his head.
He nodded and shut his eyes, knowing it was the right decision. Our forehead were still together, our breathing shallowing out. I held his head and moved mine back, tilting up to kiss his warm forehead.
When I pulled back, he did as well. His hands moved to my hips and he lifted me off the counter so I wasn't close to his height anymore. My legs felt a little weaker then they were before.
"C'mon." He grabbed my hand and walked me out of the kitchen, fingers intertwining together.
He shut off the kitchen light as we walked into the pitch black living room, my trust in him making me feel okay as he lead me to the stairs. We went up the steps cautiously and blindly. My mind was in spirals about everything that's happened, and how it couldn't happen anymore.
When we got to the top, there was the glow of my bedroom lamp from my room. His across from mine. We walked up the hallway and stopped between the rooms, his hands grabbing both of mine now and facing me with just the littlest bit of light on his face.
"Goodnight." He whispered down to me, his thumbs stroking the back of my hands and it was so soothing.
He leaned down and softly kissed me, for what felt like was going to be the last time for a while. His lips were so gentle and held so much meaning into them. His love he had on me was something special, and I didn't need memories to know that. I know that in another world— the world that I was his fiancé— was the world where we kept each other in such a special sacred place of happiness and undeniable love.
But I needed to step back, I had to control myself for him just like how he's been doing that same. His heart was in such a lost place that I had to let him get himself in a path where he was truly happy with himself. He wasn't okay, and even though he wants to kiss me and such, it just made him feel more pain afterwards.
I can't be the person to make him feel this pain more then I've already have.
So when I pulled back from the kiss softly, I unlatched my hands from his as well. I looked up into his shadowed features one last time with a small smile on my lips.
"Goodnight Harry." I whispered back.
I stepped backward a few until turning around into my room, shutting the door behind me and leaving him out in the hallway.
//
Meet me in the hallway
I just left your bedroom
Give me some morphine
Is there any more to do?