Adrenaline coursed through my veins, my lungs felt as though they were on fire and my heart beat rapidly against my chest as I sprinted through Landover Park as part of my fitness routine. Up tempo music blared through my headphones giving me the added motivation I needed to complete my early morning run. The sun had just barely risen and the cool breeze caressed my skin with each stride. Though my calves burned, the rest of me was feeling pretty good. After completing the desired number of miles, I started a steady jog before halting altogether. I stretch my limbs to avoid getting any cramps, and inhaled the freshness of the air.
Satisfied with my workout, I started heading back to my car. However, my journeyed had been interrupted by a sudden change in the atmosphere. The sun dipped entirely and ceased giving it's light. A tempestuous wind blew, almost knocking me off my feet. A sudden flash of lightning nearly hijacked my sight and a roaring thunder rocked the heavens. Cold chills slithered down my spine as fear overtook me. Looking around nervously, I found that the previous patrons were no longer there and I was left alone in the now desolate park.
The sky darkened further until my vision was obscured. Desperate to escape this nightmare, I felt my way around in the hopes of getting to my car. After what felt like ten minutes of blind walking, pain course through my ribs as I crashed right into what felt like the rear end of a car. Hitting the unlock button on my key, I prayed that the car was mind. Hearing the locks clicked I smiled, grateful that I was final able get out of this horror scene. However, I froze in place once I felt the front of my shirt dampen. I brought a hand to my shirt in an attempt to examine the unknown substance. Rubbing it between my fingers I knew there was no way it could be sweat.
Finding the courage to hop in my car, I hit the lights in the roof. Looking at my hands my heart skipped ceased beating momentarily as I realized my entire palm was a shade of crimson. Turning on the flashlight on my cellphone, I cautiously exited my car and journeyed to the back to pinpoint just where the blood cap from. All the color drained from my face once I noticed blood was dripping from my trunk. Popping it open, my knees buckled at the sight. My brother's body laid lifeless with multiple lacerations about his body and a gunshot wound to the head. He seemed to have been murdered not too long along ago. I fell to my knees and released a gut wrenching screen as I witnessed my brother's death all over again.
Beads of sweat cascaded down my face and my heart pumped rapidly as I jerked upward and looked around my office frantically. It was nearing 12:00a.m and I was still at work. However, I must've dozed off at some point as I was just awakened by yet another nightmare. Three weeks had passed since the first one and they just kept coming every night, whether they were the same as the first or in other variations like the one I'd just had.
My sleep schedule had been thrown out of wack since then and I've been nothing short of miserable. However, at work I was forced to put on a façade that I was okay and able to perform my job. At home I also pretended as though I was fine so that Londyn would quit suggesting that I see a professional. I knew I'd get over this period in my life, I just needed time.
Truth be told, I was tired. Not just physically but I was also mentally exhausted. I longed for a break from my present reality. As desperation settled in, I knew tonight would be the night that I got my escape.
After bidding my colleagues a farewell and securing my office, I headed out for the night. Rather than heading home, I decided to journey to a neighborhood I hadn't been to since I was a teenager. Turning up the volume of stereo close to its maximum level, I tried my hardest to drown out my thoughts. Not only was work and the nightmares stressing me out but also my relationship. I had gotten better at spending time with Londyn and Amalie but I feared that it still wasn't enough, the vibe between us felt a little off lately.
Thirty five minutes passed since I had left my office and now I found myself driving through the streets of Blackwood Heights. Pulling up the curb of a familar house, I parked my car, hopped out then jogged up the few stairs of the front porch. I delivered two knocks to the door but no one came. Part of the reason might've been that loud music was blasting from inside. I knocked again, this time a lot harder and louder. I heard the door unlock and the person behind it pulled it open cautiously. I placed my hands in the air, signifying that I was harmless as the person came in full few and pointed an Uzi at me.
"Who is you nigga? Why you here?" The strapping young man questioned. His demeanor screamed killer, I had no doubts that he'd riddle my body with bullets if I had ill intentions.
"I'm looking for Kwame, tell him it's TJ." A look of skepticism washed over his face before he turned and slammed the door in mine. I was about to leave when the door swung open again revealing the man I wanted to see.
"TJ? What's good man? I ain't seen you around here since we was like seventeen." He said he gave me a half hug and a dap.
"In the flesh. I'm cool, maintaining. What bout you?"
"You know me, getting paid and living life. So what brings to this neck of the hood?"
"I need a eightball man, make that two." I said discreetly, looking around as though someone else besides Kwame could hear me.
"Nah, I know my ears must be playing trick on me. You want a eight ball of what?"
"That snow white man."
"Nigga don't you work for the cops or some shit now? Is this a set up?" He grew suspicious, retrieved a revolver from his waistband and pointed it directly at my chest.
"I swear it's not a set up. I just been going through some things lately."
"Sure you don't want some Mary J or somn like back in the day man?" He suspicion morphed into concern. No one knew, but the day my brother got killed I witnessed the entire thing. Although we grew up in the suburbs my maternal grandmother lived in Blackwood Heights. My mother tried to get her to move in with us but the old woman was adamant about staying in her own house. It had sentimental value to her, there she raised all five of her children.
On weekends and every summer vacation my brother Trey and I would come down here to spend time with her and hang out with friends. At age eighteen no one would've thought that that would be his final visit. One summer fourteen years ago my brother met his fate while he and his friend Cal came to the basketball court to pick up Cal's younger brother and I. It was no secret that Cal wasn't on the right side of the law and it was unbeknownst to my parents that Trey was right there with him.
"Man TJ when you gon learn to play a sport or somn? You be playin instruments and shit, that can't be gettin you no girls." Kaz teased as he dribbled his basketball then ran up, jumped and dunked it. Although he was always clowning me we were good friends, he accepted me for who I was.
"I gots me a girl bruh and she fine too." I said proudly thinking of Thana.
"Why you lying?" He cocked his head to the side and tooted his mouth upward. I took out my wallet and show him a picture of Thana.
"Shit, maybe I need to start playing an instrument then if it gon get me a girl like that." The both of us erupted with laughter but it died down once we heard the distinct horn of his brother's car. He had just pulled up to the opposite side of the basketball court and beckoned us to hurry up. Walking towards his car, we were stopped in our tracks half way into our journey as another pulled alongside his and opened fire on him and my brother. There had to have been at least twenty shots that ran out. Kaz and I sprinted over to the car, only to find out brothers slain and drenched in blood. Cal had multiple wounds to his chest and my brother met his demise execution style.
After what I had witnessed that day, I sank into a dark place crowded by depression. As I a coping mechanism, I started smoking weed heavily. Considering that Kwame and I had always been cool, he became my supplier. Drugs seemed to be my only option as my mother was battling her own depression and didn't believe in therapy so seeing a therapist wasn't really an option for me. My grades began to slip and I was slowly losing myself. However, just as she always did Naddy eventually came to my rescue once she found out what I was dealing with. Her mother was a therapist, and unbeknownst to my parents she had helped me in my time of need. At that moment I knew what I wanted to do with my life and worked hard at finishing school with good grades to make my dream a reality.
Not wanting to bother Naddy with my problems, I chose to do things on my own this time around.
"Mary J ain't strong enough man. Just gimme the eight ball and I'll be out." A pained expression graced his face as his hand reluctantly slipped into his left pocket. Once it slid back out he held two baggies of snow white. He handed them to me and I gave him cash.
"I don't feel good about this TJ, don't make it a habit." I assured him that it wouldn't be and gave him a dap before I departed Blackwood Heights.
It took me longer to get home from Blackwood than it did for me to get there from the office. The time on my car's dash board read 1:30a.m when I finally pulled into my driveaway. Turning off the engine, I removed my seatbelt and reached over to the compartment and retrieved a magazine. Removing my wallet from my back pocket, I opened it and pulled out a crisp dollar bill. Retrieving the eight ball from my other pocket, I emptied it onto the magazine that now rested on my lap. Using my credit card, I scraped it together in a straight line. I then neatly rolled the dollar bill and placed it at the start of the line. Leaning down, I placed the top of the bill against my left nostril and snorted half of the line. My nose burned and I sneezed a few times, unaccustomed to the drug.
After taking a quick break, I snorted the other half then laid back in my seat. Within fifteen minutes I was higher than a kite and a feeling of euphoria washed over me. I welcomed the feeling, unwilling to have another night of fearful rest and haunting dreams. I was desperate to remain awake, I figured I may as well achieve myself induce insomnia a lot easier and make the experience a pleasant one.
Once I descended from my high, I wiped my nose to get rid of any evidence of what I had been up then trod inside the house. Staying true to my nightly routine, I checked on Amalie before journeying to my room for a shower. After my hygiene was taken care of I joined Londyn under the covers and stared at my new best friend, the ceiling.
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Hey y'all😥, chapter kinda short but I can't give y'all everything I have planned all at once.
Me to TJ:
Why is T out here making poor decisions?🤦🏾♀️
Your thoughts are welcomed
Nuff love,
--
Z.A.