Kabanata 39
A little scrap of hope remained within me. Despite the dread that rolled over to the pit of my stomach, I managed to dash off just so I can ask some help from our neighborhood. Tears dribbled from my eyes as I taking my pace down to the possible and nearest house. I stopped in the house of Aling Martha and they trotted together with me toward our house. As we ran my Mother's unconscious body to the hospital, the Doctor declared that she was dead on arrival. They tried their best as I have seen them making some retrieval actions but then it was all futile. But then, the urge to ask for more actions as the montage of pictures with my family attacked my mind. My tirade mortified me as I realized that I just need to accept what was happened. What would I do to pacify myself? I don't know.
Why do I need to be alone like this? I thought they would be at my side as I face the challenge of being a Mother? Why they left me all alone? The fragments of my broken heart were slowly pulverized. It was too painful that I have to close my eyes and reclined on the wall behind me. When I felt that I was okay to go and see the corpse of my Mother, I stood straight as I ambled into the room. I can't even take a glance on her face because it was making me melancholic but I forced myself to do so. I scrutinized every parts of her face. This will be the last time I could see her bare face because once her body was transferred to the morgue, there will be changes.
My Mother was beautiful. As what the other people say, I got most of my features from her. Her deep expressive eyes, upturned narrow nose, thin pinkish lips, obscure freckles on the bridge of her nose. She was really beautiful. Ang sabi nila ay kasing ganda ko siya ngunit hindi ako naniniwala. She was more beautiful than me.
As I stared on her face, I couldn't help but to cry again. I had loved my parents more than anyone else. But I know that I need to accept the fact they were not be able to stay at my side anymore, though I know that they will stay in my heart. They may not be present physically but I know that they will guide me throughout the process of this lifetime.
A moment later, Ronan, Lia, and Tana abruptly went in the room as the nurses prepared my Mother to take to the morgue. My friends immediately wrapped me with their arms as I wailed again and again. Dang it, I don't really like the feeling of being pitied of. I wanted to feign okay, I wanted to wear a facade but I couldn't do it when they can burst the bubble of protection around me, making me show what I really feel. Tana and Lia condoled as they hugged me repeatedly. Ronan on the other side kept his eyes on me. I willed myself to smile but I could not tuck even the other side of my lips.
Mabuti nalang at narito ang aking mga kaibigan para daluhan ako sa panahong sa tingin ko ay hindi ko na kaya. I was wrecked-havoc and helpless due to my losses and to have them at my side was giving me the urge to fight for this lifetime and I can do parenting alone. When we transferred my Mother to the morgue, Tana and Lia had gone to the store to buy me a food. Ronan and I were left alone in the hallway.
"I hope you will be okay," he said sincerely.
"I need to. I have a child."
"Yeah," he smiled but I know that there was a hidden sadness behind that smile.
Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa nangyayari, I was slowly considering his offer of marriage. What if I married him? He was good and I knew that he will be a good Father to my son. Dang it, ano ba itong iniisip ko? In time like this, I should not be thinking about that! I needed to repel that thought right now and focus on my Mother.
"Bakit kailangan kong maranasan ang mga ganitong sakit, Ronan?" my voice quivered.
"There are times you think it's unjust or unfair. Honestly, natanong ko na rin 'yan, Hera." he smiled at me, "But those pain... in spite of the fact that they had hurt you physically, emotionally, and mentally, it was of great teacher to craft us to be tougher and stronger. Pain is a brutal teacher, it teaches you lot of things in a way that no one wanted to experience. It was excruciating, indeed but the lessons you learned are for lifetime."
What Ronan said was equivocal but it has an effect on me. Tumingin ako sa kaniya at seryoso lang ang kaniyang mata habang nakatingin sa akin. Magsasalita pa sana ako ngunit dumating na ang aking mga kaibigan na may dalang pagkain para sa akin. I took it and smiled at them. Sinulyapan ko ulit si Ronan at ngumiti sa akin. It was sincere, I knew it. And in the midst of my pain, the side of my lips tucked upward.
During the burial of my Mother, I was idle— seemed like I had lost in an abyss of nothingness. People in our sittio condoled for the death of my Mother as they gathered during the nights to make some talk about my parents and how tragic their life had been. They thought it was a tragic love story but no, it was actually a very beautiful love story. The love of my Mother for my Father was strong and unfaltering. However, they will think it was tragic because technically, they had both succumbed.
The day after the death of my Mother, our relatives went to mourn. They always asked me if I was okay or how was the progress of coping with this predicament. Even I know that I wasn't moving at all, I was just saying that I was in the verge of accepting that they had already died and will not be able to see me wearing a graduation gown. When they were telling me that I should rest after the prayer of the elderlies, I just nod and go to my room but they were not aware that I was crying... idle for a moment... reminiscing... then crying again.
Sa libing ng aking ina, nanatili ako sa kanilang puntod buong araw. Ronan and my friends wanted to stay with me but neither of them I let. I wanted to be alone. As I stared on their graves— mother buried beside my father's and brother's grave.
"Ang daya n-niyo... iniwan niyo na ako dito." I said as my eyes kept on producing tears. "For sure, you are all happy with Him."
Hindi ko talaga mapigilan ang sarili kong umiyak. As the scalding sun settled in the middle of the sky and the trees outlined the horizon, I kept my heart being shattered over and over again. I could feel the twinge the sun was sending through my skin. I know after this, I was all red and sunburned. However, it didn't bother me. I just want to have a time with them. When the wind blew with pure oddity, it sent a shiver down my spine. I felt something with the wind, it seemed like it was soothing me and it was trying to mend the wound the tragedy had left me.
Shadows stretched as the embers of fire took over the horizon. The wind during the dusk was caressing and soothing. Hindi ko namamalayan ang oras. Hindi pala nakakabagot umupo pag gusto mong gawin ang isang bagay. The time was not enough, I wanted to stay here but I knew I need to go home for my child. I had my baby in my womb and I had to make sure that nothing bad will ever happen to him.
Tumayo ako at nagdesisyong umalis na. I said my bid of goodbyes to my Family and after which I hobbled down the cemetery to get a tricycle. Nang nakasakay na ako ay agad akong umuwi. Sa pag-uwi ko ay mas malala pala ang mararamdaman ko. I felt a wave of loneliness wash over me as I wandered our house. It was dark— literally and figuratively. My feelings were off-kilter. There was missing and it was the radiance of a content and happy family I used to admire as I grew up.
I flicked on the light and sauntered to my room. Mamaya na ako magluluto. I need to rest for a while hence I made a beeline to my room. When I switched on the light, my eyes instantly drifted to the yellow paper that was folded three times that was placed on the mini table I had in my room. Ngayon ko lang 'to nakita, a? Or I just didn't notice it because I was too busy mourning? I don't know. Ano kaya ito? Wala naman akong natatandaan na nagsulat ako? Or was this from Ronan?
Agad akong lumapit at tinignan ang papel. My name was written in front of the paper. It sent me a sense of curiosity within me. Binuklat ko ang tupi at halos madurog ang puso ko sa paunang salitang nakasulat. It was a letter from my Mother to me! Damn it!
Ang lakas ng kabog ng puso ko. Ano ito, nay?
When I started reading, I almost forgot how to breathe.
Pinakamamahal kong Hera,
Alam mo ba, anak na sobrang saya namin ng tatay mo nang dumating ka sa buhay namin? Sobra ang saya ni Hideo at maging ako kasi pangarap naming dalawa na magkaroon ng babae na anak. Kayong dalawa ng kuya mo ang kaligayahan namin at gagawin namin ang lahat maging kontento lang kayo sa buhay natin. Sa unang silay ko sa 'yo, sa unang rinig ko ng iyak mo, sobra ang kaligayahang natamo ko. Sobrang saya ko noon ng masilayan ko ang iyong mala-anghel na mukha. Ang pagpulupot ng iyong mumunting mga daliri sa aking hintuturo ay sobrang nagpasaya sa akin... sa amin ng tatay mo.
Anak, patawarin mo ako, ah? Sumuko agad si Nanay. Kung binabasa mo na 'to ngayon, panigurado wala na ako. Alam kong may galit o tampo ka sa akin kasi ang dali kong sumuko. Sana mapatawad mo ako, Nak. Ayoko na kasing maging pabigat sa 'yo. Kitang kita ko kung gaano ka nagsakripisyo para sa akin. Malakas ka, mas malakas ka kaysa sa akin. Mahina kasi ang nanay mo, nak, e. Hindi ko kaya 'yang ginagawa mo. Ayaw ko sanang iwan kitang mag-isa pero mas ayaw kong nakikita kitang nahihirapan sa pag-aalaga sa akin. Dapat kasi ako ang mas malakas kasi ako ang nanay pero hindi ,e... hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang nakikita kitang umiiyak tuwing gabi dahil sa paghihirap mo para alagaan ako. Nadudurog ang puso ko sa tuwing gumagawa ka ng mga gawaing bagay ng nakangiti pero halata ang lungkot mo sa likod ng nakangiti mong mga mata. Hera, anak, h'wag na h'wag mong iisipin na hindi kita mahal, ah? Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal kita sobra pa sa buhay ko.
Sabihin mo rin sa magiging apo ko na mahal ko siya, pwede ba, anak? Mahal namin siya ng iyong ama. Lalo na ang Tatay mo. Ang tatay mo, sobrang tuwa sa kaniyang magiging apo. No'ng nagpunta kang Maynila, sobra siyang nag-alala sa'yo at baka kung mapano ang anak mo pero kahit na gano'n, panay pa rin ang salaysay niya sa mga bagay bagay kung lalaki ba ang anak mo o babae. Saan siya mag-aaral. At kung lalaki ay tuturuan niya raw mangisda o 'di kaya ay lumangoy pero kung babae naman ay ihahatid niya raw ito sa iskwelahan at susunduin pagkatapos. Iniisip niya nga rin kung ano ang magandang ipangalan sa anak mo. Hindi pa naipapanganak ang apo namin ay sobra na niyang mahal ito. Kaya nga nasasayangan ako kasi hindi manlang niya nagawa ang mga gusto niyang gawin sa mga apo niya. Hera, anak, hindi ko ito nasabi noon sa'yo kasi hindi ko pa kayang magsalita.
Sana mapatawad mo ako, anak. Mahal na mahal kita.
- Nanay
A part of the paper was already drenched with my tears that kept on falling down whilst I was reading her letter for me. Pinipiga ang aking puso at hindi ko magawang pigilan ang sakit nito. I was breaking into a million of tiny shards. The tight clutch of my hand on the paper made it wrinkle a tad bit. Nanginginig ako dahil sa nabasa ko. I wanted to shout or wail or hurl something! What I feel right now was I think the most painful among all the possible feelings on the earth!
Sobrang mahal kita, Nay. Nagtampo ako, Oo pero hindi na ngayon. Hindi na ngayon, nay!
I was rereading the letter for several hours until my stomach grumbled out of hunger. I was slouching on my bed, looking blankly somewhere— enable to do something because of the pain that weighed on my chest. It was heavy and I couldn't help but to just stay still and hope the pain will subside soon— and I know it was impossible right now because the slice on my heart was still fresh and bleeding.
The pain never subsided the follow days. Instead, it became repulsively painful that I wanted to get through it any time soon. However, I didn't know how to handle and fend off this pain anymore. I felt like my soul had decided to dwell in the past that manifested pure sorrow and misery. Right now, I was just sitting on the bench outside the house. Loneliness engulfed each peak and corner of our house. The feeling of being situated in a place wherein you cannot ask for any help because you don't know anyone there. That was what I felt right now. The surged of yearning for the presence of my parents had reached its peak.
Araw-araw naman akong dinadalaw ng aking mga kabigan at si Ronan. Tana gave me my uniform for our internship in Badoc National Highschool. We will be dealing again with the students next week and I think I was not yet ready for it. I know I should not be feeling this way because of the condition of my baby but I couldn't help it. I just hoped my baby will understand me.
The sun was in the midst of the sky making the seawater glint like diamonds dancing through the waves. Huminga ako ng malalim at pinunasan ang luhang tumakas mula sa aking mata. I wandered my eyes and saw Aling Martha looking at me through their window. She looked concerned and when she noticed that I caught her looking at me, the side of her lips stretched upward but then, the pity was palpable in her eyes. Pinilit ko ring ngumiti pabalik at umiwas agad ng tingin kalaonan.
A familiar roar of the motor riveted my attention. I craned my neck but when I realized that I couldn't see the 'visitor', I stood up and walked around to see who it was. When I saw Ronan with his usual pale lips and lazy eyes, wearing white shirt and a jersey short, I smiled and walked to meet him midway. He was holding a food container therefore I realized that he cooked a food for me again. These past few days, he was doing it as though I was a total inept damsel.
"What is this?" I asked as he handed me the two containers.
He scratched the back of his head, "Your food,"
"Obviously," I smiled, "Nagiging dependent na ako sa 'yo, a."
"It's no big deal,"
"Nakakahiya sa mama mo."
"She doesn't mind. Besides, she's the one telling me to deliver a food for you,"
Tinaas ko ang aking kilay, "So, it's not really your idea? I'm disappointed."
"Well, I cooked this," he said cockily.
I playfully shook my head. After which, I motioned him to enter the house. I took the container and prepared for our lunch. I was certain Ronan will eat with me. It was our usual routines and I wasn't complaining at all. Whilst I was doing our food, his eyes were all over me as if he was memorizing all my movements.
Bakit ko nga ba hindi magustohan ang lalaking ito? Why until now, I was still in love with Antoine— who technically will never be in my life again. Each passing day, even I was mourning for my parents, his name did not leave my mind. I was always thinking if there will be a difference if he was the one who was comforting me, making me feel that I was not alone on this fight.
Tama na nga, Hera! He will never come back into your life again. Obviously, he was happy and content with his life in the Metro. Wala na akong balita patungkol sa kaniya— I don't have any plan on keeping track on him though.
Pagkatapos kong ihanda ang aming makakain ay agad ng lumapit si Ronan sa akin. He was smiling, seemed pleased with the food he prepared for us. Ngumiti ako sa kaniya at umupo na. Habang kumakain kami ay hindi ko maiwasang hindi siya titigan.
I was thinking if his offer was still available. Every night, I was thinking about it. I was all alone already and there was nothing wrong on asking someone who can be at my side while I was facing the challenges in this lifetime. I know Ronan will be a good father to my baby— he was good. Anong masama kung magpapakasal ako sa kaniya? I wanted a complete family for my child. Right now, I know I cannot do it alone. I needed someone to hold on.
And I knew, Ronan will be a good partner to me.
"Ronan, marry me," I said almost a whisper.
Natigil sa pagkain si Ronan at napatingin sa akin, "P-pardon?"
"Is your offer of marriage still available?"
Kita ko pa rin ang gulat at pagkalito sa kaniyang mga mata, "O-of course!"
I sighed heavily, "Okay then."
If this was wrong decision I will take the full responsibility of the consequences of it. For now, that was the only thing I could do for my child— to give him a complete and happy family. Maybe the rightest decision I should do was to chase Antoine and beg him to take the responsibility of being a father of my child but I tried to shrug off that idea because I don't want an asshole in my life again. If he were be my husband, I won't have a peace of mind because of his plenty girlfriends or fuck buddies.
Ronan did not waste a single second. He immediately informed his parents that we'll be going to marry. I felt a warm hand that coiled around my heart when I learned that they knew about my pregnancy and yet they still want me to be the wife of their son. If their excitement was fake, I would eventually feel it but when I was facing them, all I could see were genuineness and contentment.
During the preparation of our marriage, Ronan and I talked about our supposed to be refuge. He debated a minute because he wanted to house me to his but then I was adamant to stay in our house so he had to acquiesce about it. Despite the conviction that his eyes were spitting, he just opted to nod and nothing more. And I was end up smiling like I had won a lottery or whatnot.
My friends were shocked upon hearing my news, as what I expected.
"Bakit padalos dalos?" bulalas ni Tana nang nalaman na magpapakasal na ako.
"Did he ask your hand during the burial of your mother?! If that, he was exploiting on your vulnerable side, Hera! Pag-isipan mong mabuti!" Lia uttered with full conviction.
"I contemplated about this. Don't worry, he did not ask me about this during the burial of my Mother nor my Father."
"Why..." Tana trailed off, "Do you love him?"
"He's good and I know he will be a good father to my child."
"Do you love him, Hera?" ulit niya.
"Love will just inflict pain in a person's heart. It was no good at all. I'd rather marry for convenience. Besides, I would eventually learn to love him. I have a lifetime ahead of me to teach my heart, though."
"Marriage embodies true love. That sacred matrimony is only served for the two persons who are in love with each other." Lia uttered.
I smiled weakly. That was what I want and my principle before but right now— having a baby, you couldn't think about your ideals, you just want the things that were beneficial to your child. Gusto ko mang makasal sa taong mahal ko, wala na akong magagawa para doon. There were things in our life that we cannot get so we have just to settle in an easy way. A way in which less pain and excruciation.
Wala ng makakapagpabago sa isip ko. But when I was already wearing the wedding gown, I felt a ball of qualm surged within me. Do I need to marry someone just to make my child happy? And why I was thinking running out of the wedding and have a life alone? No, Hera. It was already late to back down. All was settled. H'wag kang mag-alala, siguro ay magiging masaya ka rin kalaonan. I will not be forever in the chasm of melancholy right? I would probably be happy when the wounds caused by yesterday will be all healed.
"Are you ready, anak?" Mom of Tana asked me.
Nasa labas na kami ng simbahan. I was jittery while I was waiting for the huge double doors of the church to open. When it did, I had nothing to do but to walk in. The parents of Tana stood as my parents as they ushered me toward the Altar. My eyes watered— this was not because of happiness, I know. Tumingin ako kay Ronan na seryosong nakatingin sa akin dala ang mga malulungkot na mga mata. Sorry, Ronan, if I had to use you for coping with the pain I had right now and for making you as my rebound. I know you deserve someone better.
I wanted to run or vanish on the aisle I was standing to. Pero hindi, e. Hindi 'yon ang tamang gawin. Hindi lang ako ang mapapahiya kung gagawin ko iyon. Sila ang walang ginawang masama sa akin. They welcomed me to their family. I should be grateful about it.
When I was finally in front, Ronan gently took me from the parents of Tana and promised to them that he will take care of me and my child. Siguro ngayon ay iniisip na nila na pinakasalan ko si Ronan dahil sa nabuntis niya ako. However, I didn't care anymore. As long as I can give a complete family to my child, nothing will ever matter.
"Please, smile." Ronan smiled softly as he guided me to the Altar.
I tried to shake free the qualm I'd had for this wedding and smiled even I know it wasn't genuine. As the Priest started the ceremony, I couldn't help but to ponder lots of things. I wanted to relax, I wanted to savor this sacred matrimony but why I couldn't? When the exchange of vows, I had nothing to do but to repeat after the Priest. How I did wish when I was still a kid of having the man I have loved, exchanging this sacred words as we promised to love each other for the rest of our lives. I had never dreamed of myself crying in the Altar out of sadness not joy.
Masakit pala para sa 'yo, why did you decide to marry him? I asked myself but the only reason I could see was because of my child. I felt the crackle of qualm within me. I shrugged off the words that kept of twirling atop my head. When the Priest announced the last sentence of the matrimony, all the audience chirped and cheered as they anticipated the seal of this ceremony— kissing the bride.
Ronan uplifted the veil. He looked into my eyes as though he was asking permission. I just nodded and he leaned forward. I closed my eyes as I waited for his lips. Isang mabilis na dampi ng kaniyang labi lang ang iginawad niya sa akin. Dumilat ako at nakita ko siyang nakangiti na sa mga taong nanunuod sa amin. My heart clenched painfully.
This man loves and respects me. I felt a series of guilt descended within me as I kept my eyes on him. I'm sorry, Ronan.