Please note that I ask a lot of questions throughout the review, you by no means have to answer them, they are simply to get you thinking more in-depth about your character. Enjoy!
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fandom: original. (i use this oc for literally everything under the sun, but especially in post-apocalyptic scenarios, so let's just go with that, lmao.)
[Righto off we go.]
full name: lucas griffin.
nicknames: n/a.
age: eighteen.
gender: male.
sexuality: homosexual. (the big gay👉😎👉)
species: human.
nationality: american.
appearance: lucas stands at about five six, and while he doesn't look it, is actually pretty strong.
[ How much does he weigh? With his height being 5'6" his healthy weight range would be anything from around 116lbs {53kg} – 156lbs {70kg}. However, if he doesn't look 5'6" I'd be tempted to keep his weight towards the lower side of the healthy weight scale.]
he has curly blond hair that while isn't particularly long, falls into his face quite a bit. he also has a large scar that comes from the top of his shoulder down to the middle of his arm; let's just say that he wasn't the smartest kid alive. lucas typically wears either a red or blue hoodie, jeans, and a pair of mono black hi top converse.
[ The content is fine. Start to think about his facial features, his eye colour and such. How does he feel about his scar? Is he open to talking about it?]
personality: lucas is one pretty messed up dude. aside from generally just being overly cocky and stubborn, he has some definite anger issues and hates being told what to do.
[ Can we give a reason why he doesn't like being told what to do? Can we think about why he is arrogant? How did his past mould him to become this Lucas rather than a Lucas that, for example, may a nervous paranoid mess? With his anger issues, do a little research on his anger issues, what are they? What can trigger the anger? Yadda yadda. Aside from angry, how does his anger issues and his hate towards authority/being told what to do make him feel?]
he's fiercely loyal and would do anything for the people he trusts- just, don't expect him to trust you.
[ What would someone have to do to be worthy of Lucas' trust?]
lucas is extremely prideful and usually refuses to accept help from other people, even in life or death situations- which can be a small issue.
[ Let's extend on that and say how this small issue affects him and or others around him. How would it affect him in a work environment?]
while he does have a soft side, he rarely shows it, so good luck getting him to talk. if you just give him a chance- if you really, really try- you'll realize that he's a good guy.
[ Unless this is being withheld because of spoilers can we start to think about how his softer side differs from his 'normal' or 'default' side? What are some of the things he does to show that he's actually a good guy? Is he aware of his own softer side? If so, how does he feel about it?]
skills: lucas loves to skateboard and is actually quite good at it.
[ When, why and by whose teaching did he learn his skateboarding skills? Has he got any skateboarding 'horror' stories from when he's fallen off his board and gotten a proper nasty injury from it? I know he's got that scar but it's not clear if that was caused by skateboarding, or his past relationships, or what. Perhaps if we think about adding something like '...is actually quite good at it, but has his fair share of 'battle scars'/stories from his {however many} years in the sport.' I reckon that'll show that he's had to practise to get where he is with this skill, shows that yes he's failed in the past {in the form of falling off the board} but has refused to give up and got back on it. In short, it shows determination/passion towards his sport... and or stubbornness.]
he also has scary good aim with a gun, although he's only really practiced for the past few years.
[ Where'd he get the gun from? First guess would be from his police training, but as far as I can see the youngest they tend to accept onto to training is 18 and this Lucas has been practising the past few years we have an issue of where the guns from. Second guess, it might be his own gun, but again it's the same issue as above. Third guess, "Who gives a damn, it's post-apocalyptic", I mean, fair enough, the question still stands though. Final guess, he's been practising with an airsoft or rubber band gun and I've been looking too deeply into things again.
Moving on, what was his reaction to holding/firing a gun for the first time? How good is 'scary good'? Perhaps we could give a little comparison to get an idea of how good his aim is? '...scary good aim with a gun, so much that his aim has been compared to have of an Olympic shooter {or whatever}.]
weaknesses: lucas can't stand authority and tends to push people away out of fear, just when it looks like he might need them the most.
[ How does he feel when doing this? Does he regret it?]
he also tends to be pretty arrogant and gets into a lot of situations in which he's in over his head. he also tends to break promises easily and back out on his word. his main goal is to just look out for himself.
[ Is he aware of the situations he gets himself into? How does it make him feel? Does Lucas know why he breaks promises? How does he feel when he breaks a promise to significant other? What made him realise that he's got to look at for himself?]
strengths: lucas is a good guy, deep down. if he trusts you, he would do anything for you. he might come off as rude and generally just an ásshole at first, but if you do manage to get him to open up, you'll realize that he's actually pretty soft.
[ Could we extend more on how Lucas is soft? He might actually deep down want to help others through their troubles, might prefer to want to find peaceful solutions to conflicts because violence leads to more trouble. Adding another sentence to how he displays his softness/is soft will help give him more depth. Additional strength could easily be his stubbornness turned into determination, remember when we were on about his skateboarding and him having the determination to continue practising despite him falling off? That could be a nice example of his stubbornness in a positive light.]
fears: lucas' biggest fears are probably either failure or rejection. he's been in a number of toxic relationships, and a lot of them are the reason that he feels this way. he often ends up not opening up to people because of this- he's scared that he's going to get stabbed in the back or laughed at.
[ Nice, the fear of not being in control of himself/ his situation could link in some part with his fears of failure and rejection.]
relationship with family/backstory: it's not so good, to be honest. his mother died shortly after giving birth to him, and his father ended up resenting him for that, although he never tried to show it. lucas was never close with his father, but they managed to get by until he was about sixteen, when he came out. his father got mad and kicked him out of the house, cutting ties with him completely.
[ How'd this affect Lucas? Where did he do and live after the fact?]
he ended up dating several abusive (both physical and verbal) girlfriends in an effort to prove to his father and himself that he wasn't gay and that he could make a heterosexual relationship work.
[ How did he feel when he wasn't able to make it work? How did he feel during the abuse? What issues did his cause Lucas at the time and still today?]
this was when he began his training to become a police officer.
[ What made Lucas want to become a police officer/ begin his police training?]
lucas ended up meeting his current boyfriend there, and honestly? he probably saved lucas' life. he currently lives in a small apartment with his boyfriend in new york, and while he hasn't completely recovered from all that's happened, he's trying to become a better person.
[ How does he show that he's trying to become a better person? Why does he want to become a better person? What things does he think is holding him back from being a 'better person'?]
Now let's get down to business...
Pros
· His appearance if fine, just give us weight and eye colour.
· We can see where some aspects of his personality have come from.
· Weaknesses, strengths and fears are alright and work well with his past.
Cons
. We can make more of his personality, weaknesses and strengths. We can expand on things here and there.
. An issue with the gun-related skill and we can make more of his skateboarding skill.
. Relationships need looking at.
. We can add a few reasons and whys to the backstory to give it a bit more depth.
Possible Improvements/Changes...
I've got no problems for his personality, weaknesses and strengths really, I just feel as if they could be more. We can safely assume that Lucas is the way he is [arrogant, angry, stubborn, untrusting, yadda yadda] because of his past with his father and ex-girlfriends. Can we start to think about why he became this Lucas rather than a Lucas that, for example, may be a nervous paranoid mess? At the time of the abuse, what did Lucas do/feel? What would he tell himself after being abused? What would he say to others telling him he's in a toxic relationship? Did he truly believe that his relationships whether healthy and would 'cure' his homosexuality? Or did he truly want to believe it would?
Think about why he doesn't like being told what to do, linking it to his fears of failure and rejection we could say he's scared of not having the ability to actually do whatever it is they are telling him to do. Or maybe because he is scared of not being in control of the situation out of fear of having whatever happened in his past relationships reoccurring to him. Think about what someone would have to do to gain Lucas' trust. Think about how his pride and refusal to accept help can affect him, his relationship with his boyfriend, his co-workers and such. Think about expanding his softer side, it there, but it seems like your beating around the bush rather than actually talking about what his softer side is.
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The gun issue just needs to be clarified on how he got the gun prior to being 18. All I've got suggestion wise is to make him a little older, not much help I know. I'll just let you ponder that issue for yourself.
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His relationship with family acts more as a backstory, to help bring out his family we could do with separating them out. I think you definitely could do with bringing his mother, father and boyfriend out, his past girlfriends could also do with being made into individuals rather than just 'the several abusive girlfriends' but they aren't the main concern right now.
When I start writing my character's family or friends, I think of them as their own character rather than my character's mother or whatever. I'll give them their own name, their own personality, things they like and dislike before I even think about 'introducing' them to my character. Sorting out their personality and such giving us a nice base to work off when we put their relationship in. You'll have two personalities where you'll be able to compare and contrast to find instances where the two characters would have gotten on and instances where they would have issues with each other. It'll make it a little easier on you if you do give each character a little personality beforehand, it allows the reader to do a bit of 'figuring out' for you. For example, if we say that Lucas' father is old-fashioned, possibly close-minded, we could have a good guess at his father not being too keen on his son's sexuality. In short just give them names, personality, show how they interact.
For his mother, does Lucas know anything of her? How does he feel about how she died? Does he think it was his fault? Does he wish she was still around? What he wishes/thinks she was like? What he thinks she would think of her husband's behaviour towards him? What he thinks she would think of him? His sexuality? His past relationships? Yadda yadda? For the boyfriend, think about Lucas' first impression when they met? What does Lucas find attractive in his boyfriend? How does he feel around him?
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I reckon it'll be worth talking more about Lucas' abuse, how did it make him feel at the time? How did he attempt to deal with it at the abuse? How does he feel about it now? How does he deal with it now? Think about what Lucas' was like before the abuse, I think that'll help add more depth to his past and why he's the way he is.
Think about where Lucas lived after getting kicked out, how and when he realised he was homosexual, how he felt as a homosexual in a relationship with a woman. Think about why he wanted to join the police force, what pushed him to begin his training, why he wants to become a better person, what he has to do to become a better person.
[These are just suggestions, you by no means have to do any of these.]
Mary Sue?
No.
Marks & Grades
Originality - 6
Overall Grade - D
'I can't see me lovin' nobody but you, for all my life. When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue, for all my life.'
- The Turtles, Happy Together.
Thank you
@-yeehawmothertrucker to for submitting Mr Griffin, it's been a pleasure reviewing him!
[If you have any questions or queries about this review or require any help with this or any future OC just drop me a message, I'd be happy to help any way I can.]
×Isaac×