Leaving Jared and Jesse to playfully argue in the kitchen, I grabbed my guitar to drop it back in my room. Throwing my bag onto my bed, I placed my guitar case on the floor and went to the bathroom to wash off all of the flour.
I met my eyes in the mirror after splashing my face with water.
"You're a mess," I whispered to myself and shook my head. The face towel wasn't on the rack so I had to walk out into the hall to the towel closet. Jesse was climbing the steps and slowed when he saw me. Our eyes met for a moment before I turned away to grab a towel.
"He really got you didn't he?" he laughed softly, taking a step back so I could go back into my room.
"Yeah," I rolled my eyes, dragging the towel down my face. I tossed it onto the bathroom counter, turned around and jumped backwards to lay on my bed.
Jesse sat on the edge of the bed for a moment. I watched him as he seemed to contemplate something before finally laying next to me.
His hazel eyes searched mine, his hand very carefully taking mine into his.
"Where are you?" he asked softly.
I squeezed his hand and turned onto my side to face him.
"Somewhere in 2012," I whispered.
His laugh made me smile, the urge to push his dirty blonde hair out of his eyes grew stronger as I watched him.
"What month?" he joked.
I pretended to think.
"June."
He smiled, releasing my hand to tuck some hair behind my ear.
"Where did you wind up today?"
"Honestly?" he waited. "The amusement park down from the Shack."
His brow furrowed. The thing about Jesse was he's been around too long, seen too much of me and has heard everything. He had an uncanny ability to take one look at me and know if something was wrong...or right. He knew when I was lying, when I was hiding, if I was searching for something or if I was running. He was practically family and even as annoying as it was for him to truly know me, I was secretly grateful.
It was exhausting staying strong...or at least pretending to be.
"Swings?" he finally asked, his hand reaching out for mine again, dragging it up to his lips. He gently kissed my palm.
Trying to calm my heart, I simply nodded in response.
"Ferris wheel?"
I nodded again.
He smiled against my hand.
"You were thinking," he stated.
"Yeah," I shrugged. "And remembering."
Growing up sucked. We never realize how easy it was being in high school. Soon, I'll think the same thing about college. I spent the majority of my years wanting to be older and now...now I would give anything to be 16 again.
His hand tightened on mine, but he didn't say anything more.
"You ready to go back to Texas?"
I sighed. "Yes and no. Did you know I'm up for this songwriting program?"
"Lissa mentioned something about it when you were flying home," he said.
"I can't bring myself to actually meet with the professor. Well, I get there and I just... panic."
"What are you afraid of?"
I met his eyes, growing uncomfortable under his all knowing gaze. Breaking away, I blew out a deep breath.
"I don't know," I murmured. "I don't think I'm ready."
"Go tell that to the girl who bailed work today to write."
I laughed. "Yeah, that felt good."
He smiled down at me.
"So," he began. "I was thinking."
"Oh wow, you used your brain."
He laughed, lightly nudging my shoulder.
"Punk, no," he sighed. "I was wondering if I could take you out tonight?"
I struggled not to smile. "Really?"
"Actually, that's," he glanced away for a second. "No, I'd like to cook for you tonight. My place."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "We're not having sex."
He burst out laughing, laying his head back on the pillow, resting his forearm on his head.
"I deserve that."
"And so much more," I laughed with him.
He nodded in agreement. "Sex was not on the agenda, although it's frequently on my mind, I will admit."
I rolled my eyes. "Boys."
He simply winked and waited for an answer.
"Of course," I laughed.
....
I followed him into his second floor apartment and the smell of a salty ocean and sunscreen was now mixed with something else.
Sniffing, I looked around. "What's that smell?"
"A candle warmer," he chuckled, tossing his keys onto the counter. "It's vanilla something."
"How very," I took a seat on the bar stool. "Girly of you."
He opened the fridge door, but glanced back with a visibly dramatic eye roll.
"So," I began while watching him set out ingredients to what looked to be tacos. "This is what it's like to date you."
He seemed to finish grabbing ingredients. He slid over to the oven and turned the dial to 350. Then, with a pair of scissors, he cut into a packet of cheese, resting the now open package on a cutting board. Moving to the tomatoes, he smiled up at me.
"No Baby Dess," he smirked, beginning to dice the tomatoes.
I raised an eyebrow, to which he grinned.
"I rarely bring my dates over to my own place," he explained, resting the large knife on the board and grabbed the package of meat, opening it over a pan on the stove.
"I don't know how I feel about that," I answered honestly, resting my chin on my hands.
Carrying the now empty package to the trash can by me, he wiped his hands on a dish towel and leaned over the counter in front of me. His eyes seemed to pierce through me.
"You're one of two females to ever be in here," he shrugged.
"Let me guess," I sighed. "Cheeto.
Something crossed his eyes, a certain gleam, but he didn't look away.
"My point being, you're different."
"For future reference, a girl doesn't enjoy being told she's one of two."
We stared each other down before he let out a deep breath, sounding as if he had been holding it in for awhile.
"Noted," he murmured and turned back around, walking to the cutting board again. He pulled open a drawer to his right, lifting a cheese grater out and shut it.
I took that moment to stare at his jeans. How could a pair of jeans turn someone on?
I froze, did I just admit that? Shaking it off, I decided I needed a distraction.
"Can I use your restroom?" I stood up.
"You know where it is," he replied, wiping his hands on his jeans and moving the pile of cheese off to the side.
Pursing my lips, I nearly ran from the awkward air between us and to the bathroom in his bedroom. I shut the door and leaned against the counter, looking up to see my reflection in the mirror.
They say you grow together or you grow apart.
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the familiar lyrics to disappear. No, we weren't growing apart. Something else was going on.
With a sigh I stood back up and caught a glimpse of something dark in my teeth. Eww, how long had that been there? What even was that? I leaned over the counter to further inspect.
Surely he had some floss somewhere. I squat down, opening the cabinets to search.
"Ugh," I murmured, finding a box of condoms in the back. I quickly shut the cabinets and instead checked the drawer.
"Bingo," I whispered. When I reached for the bag, it moved to reveal something I immediately recognized. It was a card...from me.
Ignoring the floss, I grabbed the old card that I sent years ago. He kept it.
When I first left for college, I had a very nostalgic idea of writing to everyone back home. Jesse was obviously one of them after he sent me a 'gift.'
I flipped it open and there it was, my familiar cursive handwriting.
Seriously, a pink flask and a condom? Could you be more predictable?
Anyways, thank you for the going away gift. I suppose I appreciate it even if it was your strange and stupid way of caring. I don't even want to know how you got my address, but I assume it was Jared. Remind me to kill him for it.
I hope you're doing well and I hope you guys actually come visit some time. It's hot here, but not Cape hot, more dry I guess. You would have a ball with all of the gorgeous girls in my dorm which is why I refuse to allow you here until next year when I move somewhere else. I saw this in the campus bookstore and I thought of you. Don't get all mushy on me because of this, okay?
I'll see you at Thanksgiving!
Miss you.
Baby Dess
I lowered the card, remembering what it was I had sent him. I honestly had forgotten about it and now I wanted to know where he put it. Did he keep it? Was he wearing it and I just hadn't noticed?
I shoved the card into my back pocket, ready to tease him about keeping it and walked back to the kitchen.
He was hovering over the counter, cutting some bell peppers.
"The rockstar text you," he said in a clipped tone. He didn't glance up and I felt the smile slide off of my face. Well, balloon popped. What was the sudden attitude toward Adam?
Swallowing, I took a seat and checked my phone. He was seeing if I wanted to go play guitar with him tomorrow. I closed it out and shoved it away.
Watching him slice bell peppers, I saw it. There it was, the black bracelet I had sent him three years ago.
I decided to ignore the rockstar comment.
"Why did you keep that?" I asked. He placed the fixed tacos into the oven to melt the cheese just a little bit, like he always did and turned to face me.
"Keep what?" he asked, clearly confused.
I pointed to his wrist. He looked down, his eyes quickly meeting mine again.
"Oh, it was, uh, cool bracelet," he replied. "Did you want some water, wine?"
My heart deflated, the weight of the card in my back pocket suddenly heavy.
"Umm, water is fine."
He poured two glasses and slid me one.
The rest of the dinner was honestly weird. I just wanted to go home. The sound of plates being placed on the counter and chewing filled the air. That was it. We barely spoke.
I knew something was wrong, but both of us clearly thought it was the other person acting weird. Neither of us willing to speak up about it. There were a few moments where we almost felt like we were back to our usual antics. Almost. The fading of the laughter felt forced. We were no longer effortless. We were no longer Jesse and Alice.
Jesse stood to clean everything up. Once he was finished, he came up behind me, sliding his arms around my waist and his head rest on my right shoulder.
"Hi," he whispered.
I turned in his arms to looked up at him.
"Hi."
"I'm sorry," he murmured with a frown. "I don't know what..."
"Me too," I filled his incomplete sentence so he wouldn't have to.
He swallowed and his eyes locked onto mine before leaning down and pressing his lips to mine. When he pulled away, I sighed and looked down.
"Let's get you home because you have an early morning," he smirked.
Suspicious, I stood and crossed my arms while he grabbed his keys.
"What do you mean, you open tomorrow..."
"Well, you took today off and I have some errands to run before Florida anyway so..." he swung his keys around his finger.
Shaking my head, I opened his door and walked out with him following after me.
Damn Florida, damn Cheeto.
The mention of Florida left me seething in his Jeep's passenger seat while he drove me home. He pulled into my drive way and placed the jeep in park. He got out and came around to open my door.
I walked ahead of him and up the steps to my house. I dug in my pocket for my keys when I felt the card. It made me a pause for a second because despite the Cheeto drama, the card made my heart swell. The fact that the bracelet was still on his wrist all these years just...it did something to me.
I bit back a small smile and opened my door. Jesse followed me inside and when I turned around, I barely had time to close the door before he wrapped his arms around me.
I sighed into his chest, allowing him to hold me there for a long time. He planted a kiss on the top of my head.
"Okay, so date night wasn't that great," he murmured.
"It's hard navigating this new thing," I admitted.
He pulled away and nodded.
"We'll figure it out, we always do," he said, but would we?
He turned to leave and I was suddenly scared for him to walk out the door. I couldn't let go of this nagging feeling I had, a curiosity.
"Hey Jesse," I began, his hand on the door knob.
He looked back at me, waiting.
"Why didn't you ask me? Earlier in my room," I glanced down at my feet for a second before continuing. "Why didn't you ask me if I was okay?"
His eyes seemed to shine brighter in the moonlight coming in from the window.
"Because I know you are," he said quietly. After watching me a few moments longer, he nodded once and walked out.
The door clicked shut. I backed up against the wall. Using it to stay up, I clutched the card in my back pocket.
Swallowing, I stared at the door.
I didn't want the night to be over. I didn't want him to leave. The urge to chase after him was growing stronger because something about tonight felt like goodbye. The look in his eyes before he left...it felt like an ending. That wasn't us, we were not an ending. I wouldn't allow it.
I closed my eyes, knowing what I should do...
Pushing off of the counter, I ripped the door open and ran down the steps, hitting the sand at a fast pace. I could see his mop of dirty blonde hair in the distance and I knew I could catch him in time.
"Jesse!" I yelled. I was nearly caught up with him and desperately wanted him to stop.
"Jesse!"
He turned around, shock visible on his face.
He began walking swiftly back to me until I reached him. I latched onto his arms and bent over.
"Al, what are you doing?" he chuckled.
Out of breath, I held up a finger.
"No," I breathed as I stood up, facing him.
"What?" he asked, confused.
"You don't get to walk away like that," I shook my head.
He cocked his head to the side, clearly confused.
"Like I'm going to bed?"
I stepped forward. "Like you're saying goodbye," I whispered. Our eyes held each other's, searching for something until I decided I wasn't going to be his weak Alice anymore. This time, I would do the chasing for a change.
"But Alice, I wasn't--"
I pulled him down to me, crashing my lips against his.
Clearly caught of guard, he stumbled closer to me, clumsily reaching for me to hold us both up. His arms wound around me, pulling me tight against his chest as our lips moved together like we relied on each other for oxygen.
He groaned when I tugged the hair at the back of his neck, his teeth nipping my bottom lip. My tongue met his and I swear something inside of me melted.
All I could think was how this boy, this guy I grew up with, had a crush on, was annoyed by...this boy was no longer a boy. He was a man, he was THE Jesse Vanderlin and he was my best friend. I still had a crush on Jesse Vanderlin. I liked him more than I wanted to admit and I'll be damned if I let the Cheeto steal him back. I'd be stupid to let her swoop in amid my confusion.
Suddenly Jesse bent down and picked me up. In response, I wrapped my legs around his waist and moaned as his lips moved roughly against mine. We were hungry for each other, craving each other in ways I never thought I would want with Jesse Vanderlin.
Running out of breath, I pulled away just enough for a breath. His lips still brushing against mine, I sighed.
"What was that?" he whispered against my lips.
I pulled away to meet his amazing eyes.
"I," swallowing, I shook my head. "I just..."
He didn't make me say it and instead pressed his lips against mine softly.
Pulling away, he slowly let me back down to the ground, but kept his arms around me.
"Me too," he whispered
I opened my eyes, staring at the closed door. It was a false, imaginary moment. False because he drove his Jeep here and that ruined the possible beauty of a moment. I knew what I should do, but instead I let him walk away and deep down, I knew that someday I would wonder if that was a mistake.
If we had been the usual Jesse and Alice, none of this would have happened. The both of us too blunt to allow our lack of communication to fill the air, but instead, our feelings pulled us back.
With a sigh, I pushed off of the counter, taking the card out of my pocket as I walked up the stairs to my room.