Her hand bumped into yours to catch it in a loose hold though it was more out of habit than actually wanting contact with you. To give yourself some peace of mind and to test out a theory, you easily slipped your hand free of her grasp. Just as you had predicted, her hand found yours again almost instantly. You despised her for doing this to you.
“You okay?” she asked, noticing you staring at your intertwined hands. You looked up at her in disbelief. The way she was able to pretend like everything was okay never ceased to amaze you. You didn’t answer her, choosing instead to pull your hand away for the second time. ‘Stop being silly and just hold hands with me. I don’t care if your palms are sweaty.” As if that was the reason why you didn’t want her hand in yours.
It occurred to you then that maybe she didn’t even realize what she was doing. While it seemed logical, you couldn’t stop yourself from doubting it. You scoffed when she changed the subject to a funny story that one of her friends had told. She didn’t even look at you as she spoke. Was she imagining someone else by her side? You, on the other hand, couldn’t take your eyes away from her.
The expressions on her face were constantly changing to reflect her emotions as she recounted the story. You smiled at the twinkle in her eyes, missing the way you used to be able to cause it. “I love you Demi” you randomly blurted out. She raised an eyebrow at you, responding by placing a kiss on your cheek. “I know” she said, trying to mask her almost apologetic smile.
“I’ve been hurt before” she had warned the day you asked her to be in a relationship with you.” “I’ll give you the world, even the universe if you ask.” She accepted your promise, and you kept it everyday. You showed her what true love was, and letting her know how you really felt about her was probably your biggest mistake.
The car ride back home was quiet as usual. “I still love you” you reminded her as she pulled into the driveway. “You said that already” she laughed, not looking at you. “Is there a limit to how many times I can tell you?” You would say it to her a million times if it meant you had the chance to hear her say it back.
While she went into the living room to watch TV, you made your way to the bedroom. What you were doing felt wrong, only because you felt like you would be hurting her. It was really the other way around, but you still felt guilty. You were breaking your promise to her.
“What are you doing?” You stopped packing at the sound of her voice, turning to face her. “Demi, I have to go.” She shook her head and walked over to you, grabbing the bag from your hands. “Go where?” You paced over to her and stopped her from unpacking. This was something you needed to do.
“Just let me go. Please, Demi. Let me go” you pleaded. Your bag was again taken from you, and this time you didn’t try to get it back. “You said you love me.” You couldn’t tell if she was mad or hurt, her emotions were too well disguised. “I do. It’s just that you don’t feel the same way.”
She sighed, dropping your bag on the bed. “It starts hurting even more when you leave. Trust me, I know.” Of course she knew, she was doing the same thing to you what others had done to her. You saw that she was torn between helping you finish packing or preventing you from leaving. You tried to help her make up her mind. “You’re breaking my heart. You can’t treat me the way you’ve been treated before. You can’t just turn the tables and expect everything to work out. That’s not fair” you explained, slightly angered by the way she just stared at you.
“I can’t just let you go. You never told me how you feel, so I can’t try to fix something that I’m not aware of.” That’s where she was wrong. You told her how you felt, you told her everyday. “Fuck Demi, are you serious? I’ve told you at least 100 times today how I feel! Do you think I’m lying when I tell you how much I love you? Don’t ever say that I never told you how I feel when it’s you who never says it back. I can’t be in a one-sided relationship like this.”
She grabbed your arm when you tried to grab your arm from the bed. “What do you want to hear me say? That I love you? Fine, I love you!” You almost laughed, looking into her eyes to see if there was any truth behind her words. You knew there wouldn’t be, but it still hurt to not see that love that she claimed to have. “Demi, I need you to listen to me. Remember all those times you cried because you loved someone more than they could ever love you? Remember how heartbroken you felt?” She nodded, looking down at the ground as she finally realized what she was doing to you. “That’s exactly how I feel at the end of everyday. I’m leaving Demi, okay? I’m leaving.” You grabbed your bag, putting back the clothes that she had taken out. You kissed her on the cheek one last time, barely missing her mouth. “I’ll call you if my feelings change” she whispered. You paused as you were about to open the door, thinking of the best way to respond. “Don’t, because I’ll have changed too.”