HAPPY 1 MILLION TO DEVOTION AWE!!!!thank you so much for everything omfg!! This chapter is extra long so enjoy!:)
Day 70 without Amelia
Harry Styles
I shut my car door, parked outside of Children's Aid. Today was the day, the day I've been waiting for.
Today was the day I got to finally see Briar, and it was all I've been living for.
I locked my car on the side of the road, basically running up the ten stone steps towards the entrance. I ran my hand back through my hair while grabbing the door with my other hand, opening it up. The visitation was at 11, but I was fifteen minutes early because I rather wait at the place then at the house.
I've moved back to my house yesterday, and Mary has been staying with me to make sure I was okay. It's been weird having her around my house on the daily but overall comforting in a way. She wished me luck as I left out the door earlier, and gosh I needed it.
I walked into the building and strided right up to the desk to the receptionist.
"Hi, I have a visitation booked." I take off my sunglasses, my foot tapping the floor in eagerness.
"Can I have a name please?" She asked while looking at the computer.
"Styles." I answered.
"Here for Briar Styles?" She clarified like we didn't have the same last name for a reason.
"Yes." I nodded, I won't be snarky today.
"Perfect, I'm just gonna have you go wait in room 107 just down that hallway." She pointed with a smile.
"Thanks." I said while walking away and towards the room at the end. My palms were sweating and my stomach was a storm, but I was excited. I've been waiting to see her for so long now, I was dying to see her face after just imagining it after all this time.
I opened the door thinking I'd be the first one here, but I wasn't.
When I opened the door to the grey carpeted room with a table, chairs, a couch and toys on the floor— I saw my baby sitting there on the floor with her stuffed duck, her green eyes lighting up in joy when she saw me.
My heart stopped as I saw her smile at me with her messy brown hair that looked longer to me. I couldn't even process how amazing it was to see her face.
I ran over to her on the floor, not even taking account to the woman sitting at the table. All that was on my mind was Briar.
I feel to my knees and picked her up, she laughed and I pulled her to me in an embrace. I shut my eyes and held her tightly, taking in her smell and how tiny she was. I buried my closed eyes into her small shoulder, enjoying the moment that I actually got to hold her before she was gone again.
I pulled back and looked at her while I was sat on my knees in the middle of the floor. Her green eyes looked at me in pure happiness and it was a look I missed from her; She was so beautiful.
"I missed you muppet." I smiled before hugging her again, never wanting to let her go.
She giggled in my ear and it was a sound I never thought I'd miss so incredibly much. No words could describe how lost I've been without here. And although I was bettering myself while she was gone, my only goal was to get her back. Without her I had nothing to really live for, she was what made this recovery experience all worth it.
"You're getting so big." I pulled back and just looked at her glowing features, knowing a week felt like a lifetime.
"Mr. Styles, if you'd like to have a seat we can discuss your case and the next steps to the custody process." A woman said from the table in the corner of the room.
I stand up with Briar in my arms, missing the feeling of her resting on my hip. I used to carry her like this constantly, always on my left hip. Amelia and I never had a stroller or anything wherever we went because I preferred just to hold her.
I walk over to the table and sit down, placing her on my lap to face me. My main attention was to Briar because I wanted to enjoy her presence before she was gone again.
"So, Mr. Styles." The worker said from the other end of the table. I barely knew what she looked liked because I was just staring at my baby on my lap.
"Yes?" I said while smiling at Briar who smiled back at me. She put me in such an amazing mood.
"Children's Aid has gone over your case and reviewed your spouses conditions within it, and there are some problems." She begins.
"I'll do whatever I have to in order to get Briar back as quickly as possible. I've been sober for a week now." I start off, looking up at the lady whom was in a dark blue blouse with her badge and a low brunette ponytail.
"I understand, but one weeks sobriety is not enough to grant you back custody of your child." She says.
"Wait.. I don't have custody of her?" I furrow my brows.
"It's temporarily suspended until everything gets settled." She answers with all of her documents in front of her. "The court will decide whether or not you can get back full custody, but after reviewing your conditions, that court case won't be met for another three months." The last words made my stomach tighten.
I widened my eyes and blinked them a few times, wondering if I heard that correctly.
"I'm sorry— did you just say I'll have to wait three months until the court can decide if I get her back?" I spoke in hope I was just misunderstanding.
"Yes, and that's if you keep sobriety. You'll need to do weekly urine tests at the local clinic to prove this as well." She confirms my horrible thoughts.
"Why three months? I need her back before the end of the week." I started to get anxious, looking down at a Briar who was sensing my discomfort.
"You will still be able to have weekly visits while this waiting period goes on—"
"I don't need weekly visits, I need my daughter back. There has to be another way. I understand I messed up but you can't be telling me it takes three months to prove that I'm stable." I shake my head, overwhelmed with this situation.
"Sadly Mr. Styles, yes. We've had many cases like you and a lot of parents that were addicts never made it to the three month mark. We need to be cautious for the care of your child." She tries to level but it was making me more mad.
"I'm not an addict, I was grieving over the state of my wife!" I raised my voice a bit, I couldn't help it.
"And we understand that, but no matter what the purpose of your narcotics were it was putting your daughter in danger. I wish I could push the date closer, but it's the regulations with these cases." She calmly explains but I felt like my world was crashing down.
"I don't have three months to wait." I shake my head.
"I know Mr. Styles, but everything here is written in this document." She slides over a paper with fine print all over it.
She didn't get it, I literally don't have three months.
I leaned forward with Briar fidgeting on my lap, squinting to read the small type as it was just summarizing what she just said.
"There has to be another way. What about Amelia? This can't take her custody away too." I look back at her, in hope for a loophole.
"It doesn't, but Ms. Adams has been unresponsive for over two months now in comatose. If in three months the judge decided to take away your custody and she's not awake, then she will loose hers too and Briar will be put into adoption." She explains.
"Well what if she does wake up before the hearing? Then what happens?" I ask.
"Then she will automatically be granted full custody of your daughter. You will still have to fight for your half, but Briar will be able to stay with you if Ms. Adams is always present in the household." She says in a small fraction of positivity, making me feel slight at ease.
But then I remembered, Amelia may never wake up.
"This is bullshit." I shake my head. "She is my daughter, she already lost her mother you can't take her from her father too. I was in a foster home for most of my childhood and it was absolute hell." I fight.
"I can assure you she is staying in a safe environment." She says like I'd just trust her words.
I looked down at Briar on my lap, running my hand through her soft hair. Her eyes shut as she smiled, grabbing tiny fist fulls of my shirt.
"I just love her so much.." I whisper to Briar but am talking to the woman.
"I understand this is hard and I do believe you love your daughter. But this situation isn't about love, it's about her safety. And I know at the end of the day you just want her to be safe." She tries to persuade me that this was all okay, that I'd be perfectly fine with my daughter being taken from me for three months without the guarantee that I'll even be getting her back.
"You can't do this to me." I shake my head. "Find a way to push the date earlier, I promise I'll stay clean." I plead.
"I'm sorry, but it isn't my choice to make. You will still get a weekly visit, and if all goes well then you can eventually get her back. It's all in the hands of the judge now." Her lips form into a line.
"She's my daughter." I say in desperation.
"Once again, I'm sorry but it's out of my hands." She stands up and closes her files, standing tall and it made me anxious cause that meant my time was up.
"There's got to be something I can do." I stand up and hold Briar securely in my arms, stepping back further into the room cause I had a feeling they were going to take her from me already. I wasn't ready for another week, it feels like I've been here for five minutes.
"All you can do is stay sober and show up for your weekly drug tests." She gives me no hope whatsoever. "Now if you will kindly hand her b—"
"No!" I step back more so there was more of a space between us. "You can't take her yet." I shake my head, her arms being held out and frozen.
She was my kid.
"You will make things a lot worse if you refuse to give her back. Don't make this harder on yourself." She steps closer with her arms still out.
"Just give me more time." I refuse, holding her firmly against my chest.
"Mr. Styles." She says quietly. "This will make this even more difficult for you in court. I need you to give her to me if you want to get her back permanently one day. So please say your goodbyes, and hand her to me." She says sternly but softly, almost like her eyes were begging me to do the right thing so I wouldn't make this harder for everyone.
I paused while looking at the woman who was begging me to just follow the rules. She was right, I was gonna make this all worse. But I couldn't help it, I didn't want to let her go. She's my daughter, and she's just a baby who misses her mum and now me. This poor girls life has been flipped upside down, I couldn't take watching her sad. I just wanted her again, I wanted to make her happy.
I sat on the couch that was right next to me, holding Briar up on my lap to face me. Her green eyes wandered the room as I held her sides and just tried to analyze what she looked like before I wasn't going to see her for another week.
"I'm going to make this all right okay muppet?" I whisper to her as her little hands grabbed my fingers.
My heart was breaking.
"You're my angelbaby and before you know it we'll be back together once again. Dada loves you so much." I tell her while her eyes bounced around the room. I know she was too little to know what I was saying, but that didn't matter.
Her eyes landed back to mine and she smiled.
"Dada!" She spoke.
My heart skipped a beat and my jaw dropped at her speaking her second word ever, and it was dada.
I smiled and tears started welting my eyes, exhaling a small laugh and feeling so proud of her but even more miserable that she was about to be taken for me now.
"Yes." I nodded with a smile, "dada, good job princess." I praised while kissing her forehead, dying to just have more time.
"Mr. Styles." I dreaded to hear the woman's voice. I looked up at her standing there still. "It's time." She added, my soul darkening.
I looked at Briar and puckered my lips, making her smile and reach out to kiss them. I was so scared that she wasn't going to do that anymore because she forgot.
"I love you muppet." I whisper while standing up, giving her once last hug and wishing it would last a lifetime.
I didn't want to let my daughter go.
It took everything in me to pull back, and when I did, the worker took her from my arms and now held her in hers. Briar looked at me steps away from her now and her face started to go red. Her facial features started to pucker up and before I knew it she started to cry.
—My heart only broke more.
"I'll see you soon baby it's okay." I tried to comfort her but I didn't know how in this situation, all I could use is my words that she didn't understand.
My throat started to tighten, my lungs becoming hard to take in air because I was watching my child crying while being taken away from me yet again. The woman rubbed her small back and walked towards the exit of the room, my chest rising and falling as Briar cried.
"Dada!" She screamed, making it all so much worse.
"I'm sorry princess, I love you." My voice cracked as I felt my sinuses swell up, the last view of Briar was her crying for me before her and the lady disappeared out the door.
I stood alone in the middle of the room, my eyes tearing up and my heart racing. I felt like I couldn't breathe as my daughter was taken from me yet again.
My hands dug deep into my hair, my head dropping as I shut my eyes and clenched my teeth. I squatted on the ground, pressing my temples so hard as I could still hear Briar crying down the hallway, yelling dada again.
I was an awful father, I let this all happen.
And now I was fucked, so royally fucked because I was never going to get Briar back. I didn't have three months left to wait, I had two. I have a month and twenty seven days left of my life. And I was going to live those days with only seeing Briar for less then ten of them. My wife is gone, my daughter is gone— and I'm going to die.
I was never getting them back, no matter all the drug tests I take, no matter how much I visit Amelia everyday— I was never getting them back. It doesn't matter how good I try to be or how hard I try to stay positive. I was at a dead end with all of it.
I was alone.
Mary Adams
1:56 am
I opened my eyes in the pit of my sleep to the sounds of ruffling coming from downstairs. Immediately I was alarmed but I didn't even know what time it was. I lifted up my head and looked at the red digital clock, seeing it was almost two in the morning.
Is Harry awake?
I sat up in my bed, my head a little heavy from being half asleep but I got past it. I grabbed my robe and put in on, tying it up and heading towards the door in the pitch black guest bedroom.
When I opened the door, I heard the banging and ruffling increase, it was coming from downstairs. I walked down the steps, my stomach turning a bit because I didn't know what to expect. This is the second night at Harry's house— what on earth could he be doing?
I walked down to the dark living room and went to the kitchen where the noises intensified and the light was on. When I turned into the kitchen, I saw Harry in just his track pants, vigorously searching in drawers with his hands. Basically all of the cabinets and drawers in the kitchen were wide open.
What on earth is he doing?
"Harry—" he jumped at me standing there, his frantic eyes turning to mine. I jumped a bit back from his reaction.
"I'm loosing my mind." He said all jumpy, oh no.
"What? What's wrong?" I was getting more concerned, still half asleep.
"I know something has to be here. I must've left something somewhere." He said to himself rather then me, continuing to search in his kitchen.
"What are you looking for?" I crossed my arms.
"I need something, just something to take the pain away for just a bit." He spoke all jumbled, his words making my heart drop Harry.
"Harry no, you aren't taking drugs." I wake up a little more.
"Mary you don't understand." He shakes his head, still searching as if he'll actually find something.
"You need to listen to me. You're making such amazing progress, you don't need drugs. I know you're upset about what happened earlier today but yo—"
"Upset!" He snaps. "Oh I'm way past from upset. I have lost everything Mary! I am never getting my daughter back and I'm never getting Amelia back either. I have been upset for seventy days now and I can't take it anymore." He says in anger while shuffling through every crevice of the kitchen in search for something to numb him of his hurt and loss.
"Harry you're withdrawing right now still, you need to push through these urges. If you take something then your drug test won't come out clean and you will have to fight harder for Briar." I try to be the voice of reason in his spiralling mind. "This about Briar, and why you are doing all of this."
"I won't be doing the drug tests, there's no fucking point if I'm still not going to get my court case for another three months. Don't you get it? I don't have enough time to even make it to the fucking court hearing! Briar will never be granted back to me! I can't take all of this hurt anymore! I try to start playing the good guy and none of it pays off! What I should've done is follow the CAS worker back to the foster home Briar was at and stole her back! That's what I should've did but I didn't because I'm trying to be a good person!" He rambles, on the brink of loosing his mind.
"You are a good person Harry! I know things are tough but you have no idea what could happen in two months. You can even survive this war!" I argue.
"I don't have a chance, I haven't worn a Malignant jacket since I found out Amelia was pregnant. I don't fight anymore! I'm not as good as I used to be and now I'm going against a much stronger, much more powerful opponents." He spills, making my heart break.
"Well if you don't make it, then you still have two months. Two months where maybe you could only see your daughter for once a week but guess what? It's better then nothing. And if you decide to relapse into drugs again then you won't even get the visitation rights anymore. Is that what you want?" I ask him, hoping he'll really think hard about it.
"I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do anything to take away this gut wrenching guilt I have in my head. It was already bad, but after today its just worse. I watched my daughter scream for me in tears when she was getting ripped away. I watched her cry her eyes out in beg for me to take her back. It was one of the worst feelings I went through, and I'm gonna have to relive that feeling every week until I literally die! I'm losing my fucking mind!" He grabs the drawer and rips it out of the slot, throwing it against the sink so items flew everywhere and the drawer broke to the ground.
I flinched a bit even though the object was nowhere near me.
"Harry!" I walk up to him and grab his face, making him look down at me. His eyes were rimmed red and he looked like he was at the end of his rope.
"What your going through is the hardest thing a partner has to. But if you don't get you ass in gear then you will spend these last two months even more miserable because you can't see your daughter at all! If you go out and get drugs, you will never recover from it. Look how far you've come, you quit using the second Briar was taken. You wanna know what an awful father is? It's a man you said 'fuck it' to his visitation rights because he wanted to get high instead— avoiding his issues. I know seeing Briar once a week is torture, but some parents who screwed up like you would die to get that chance back after they lost it!" I shout up at him, praying in his heart he would hear me.
He can't give up now, not after all he's accomplished.
"She was all I had. I'm so alone without them." He says quieter while I still hold his warm cheeks, looking like he was coming down from his outbreak.
"I know, but you have me. You have Niall and Louis. You are not alone and the minute you accept that then things will be lifted off your shoulders more. So can you understand that?" I ask, hoping he believes my words.
He paused and shut his eyes, his mind probably a circus.
"You are not alone Harry, and when you realize that, things will get easier. So please say it to me right now." I persuade.
He breathes deeply, calming himself down. He seemed so fragile right now, like anything could set him off but he was trying to relax.
"Say it." I repress, staring at his shut eyes. There was a pause but he opened his mouth like he was gonna speak.
"I'm not alone." He said with his eyes shut still, my hands holding his sweaty face.
Relief washed over me when he actually said it, and I was praying he believed his own words. He wasn't alone, but I think he's been suffering with that idea from the start. If I knew he felt this deeply alone then I would've set him straight sooner.
He opened his eyes, more relaxed.
"See?" I start. "You aren't alone." I finish with a small smile.
I started to hear a ringtone go off close by, cutting off his mental breakthrough. I let go of his face as he looks down at his pants and fishes his hand in his loose pocket, pull out his cellphone that was ringing and vibrating.
I turned around and started to pick up the mess in the floor, seeing how chaotic it was.
"Hello?" He said quietly as I started to pick up the papers and loose random items on the kitchen tile. It was after two in the morning, I wish he had this breakdown at like diner time. I was exhausted, but I'm glad he got this almost relapse all out of the way. Thank god I stayed here with him or else who knows what he would've did alone.
I pick up the broken drawn and put it on the island counter, placing the pile of items next to it too. The drawer was definitely broken, but Ben's really handy so I know he can fix it.
I turn back to Harry who wasn't on the phone anymore, I didn't even hear him end the call.
He stood there staring off into space at the floor with wide eyes, the phone clenched in his right hand down to his side. He looked like he's seen a ghost.
"Dropped call?" I ask, not really sure why he's acting so scarce.
His eyes flicked up to mine as they were still wide. He looked like he wasn't breathing as his lips were slightly parted. He didn't answer me, just stared.
"Harry what's going on?" I lean my hand against the counter, lowering my brows in more concern.
He looked at his phone again then back at me, like something really scared him. His skin almost seemed as if it become paler, his sleep deprived eyes wide.
"Amelia's awake."
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IM SCREAMING AHSHCHDJSJSJSKSK