Harry Styles
"I let you down." My voice coaxed, chills running through my body as I spoke the most devastating words, my foot tapping in anxiousness.
I dipped my head down, looking at the floor between my knees. I didn't know where to start, every word surfacing through my jumbled mind were words she didn't deserve to hear. I didn't think I was going to get to this point, that I was gonna admit such things to her when she trusted me and gave me every ounce of love she had in her beautiful soul. I always wished to turn back the clock and do things differently, but this was the worse one yet. I would give everything to shuffle back time to be a better father.
But I couldn't.
I pulled my head back up and looked at her, staring at her laying there in the same position she's been laying in for two months unbothered and alone. Her eyelids were peacefully shut, her long eyelashes bound together. I forgot how breathtaking she is, I always knew but I still get that chest tightening feeling when I see her. It was a feeling I can even describe until I feel it.
And my god she was a product of undeniable beauty.
I looked at the right of her hairline, seeing the healing pink scar from the accident. It was almost hidden from her hair, but will be on her skin for the rest of her life.
I reached my hand up and tucked a stand of hair off her forehead and behind her ear, realizing how much I missed the feeling. I wish I could hear her voice, to see her look at me. But she probably doesn't want that, not after everything she's seen me do to screw everything up.
I can't believe I haven't been here in weeks, but I knew it was because I was scared to see her when I looked like this. She was my dose of reality and maybe if I did come daily like I used to then I wouldn't of fallen this deep in my disaster.
I grabbed her fragile hand with my own, engulfing it in my soft grasp. Her hand felt warm, but nothing like how I remembered it because she wasn't holding mine back. My thumb stroked the top of her hand as I looked at her, finding it so hard to speak my faults.
"I lost our baby." Those words were enough to make my sinuses start to swell but I tried to hold it back. I couldn't break down, not right now. I needed to tell her what I did, to clearly own up to my horrible mistakes.
"I screwed up hard this time baby, and I don't know if you'll ever forgive me." I paused while looking at her peaceful state, the repetitive machine tones of her heart monitor filling the room. "I... I just wanted to not hurt anymore. I just wanted to feel something other then guilt and pain for a moment. But it was the worst decision I ever made, because the high I was giving myself was damaging everything around me. I was so selfish that I neglected our daughter, forgetting how lucky I was to have her. I-I didn't take videos of her, not at all. I told you I was going too and I didn't. Instead I turned back to my past addictions and let it consume me like the old me because that's all I knew before I met you." My voice cracked in emotion a few times, my eyes brimming.
"You'll never forgive me, I know that. I could never forgive myself, because not only did I let you down, but Briar got sent into the system because of me. I-I promised to protect her, and now she's in the one place I never wanted her to go." I held her hand tighter, feeling my heart thumping in my chest. "I went to Children's Aid, and they said I couldn't visit her until I started to claim at least a week of sobriety. They gave me so much paperwork but yet nothing was telling me when I could have her back. They won't tell me where she is being taken care at, only that I get to possibly see her in a week at Children's Aid itself. She's only been gone for six hours and yet I feel like it's been weeks. I just want her back, I screwed up so badly." I whispered, feeling the lowest I've been.
"You were so much better without me.." I dip my head down and shut my eyes, trying to breathe through the heartache.
"When you brother died, I took it upon myself to take you because then you'd be safe from the war if you were underground. But I was actually the one that put you in the danger. And when you were confined to this bed, I told you I'd take care of Briar and when you would wake up it would feel like you missed nothing. B-but I couldn't even do that, and if you woke up right in this moment you'd be devastated to see me sitting here like this in withdrawal and without our baby in my arms." I never felt more guilty, the words I was speaking choking me out with the lump in my throat growing.
She deserved so much better, and the sad thing is I've said this so many times before. She was holding on for a life that was nothing but a disaster and depressing disappointment. When I was coming to visit her everyday, all I would tell her is to wake up.
But, I—
I ruined her life to wake up to.
I shifted my chair closer to her bed next to her head, leaning forward more so I was right on the edge. I stared at her peaceful state in the middle of this hectic world that she didn't know.
My hand rested in her soft cheek, my thumb softly rubbing her cheekbone. I felt the corners of my eyes prick with tears, knowing what I was about to say.
"You can let go Amelia, It-It's okay to let go." I whispered to her, my other hand holding hers.
I didn't want her to let go, but like so many times before I put my wants for her over her own safety and happiness. From the beginning I was selfish with her love and put it above everything.
I never let her go, and maybe I should've a long time ago so none of this would've happened.
"I love you more then you'll ever think you know. But if you can hear me, understand that I'll be okay; Briar will be okay. If you want to be free, please be free. There's nothing more I want then for you to be happy Amelia." I shook my head and trembles the words from my aching heart, no matter how much it would hurt me.
"I always had a problem with letting you go, and I know since the moment we left underground you were physically free to leave me whenever you wanted. But emotionally I think I kept you captive and maybe you knew that more then I did." I murmured while trying to suck back tears. I didn't want to cry, I wanted to tell her this as strongly as I could.
"You just never wanted to hurt me."
"I know you loved me, but I also think you put up with everything I did because you knew if you left it would destroy me. I did so many things to you and to others that any person that didn't love me would've never stepped in the same room as me. I think because you were such a caring person that you just wanted me to be happy because you pitied how miserable I was before you." I whispered while repeatedly running her hair out behind her ear.
"And the worst thing was I always had this feeling, but I was too selfish to ever actually give it the time of day because I was scared it was true. But you always put mine and others peoples happiness before yours and that's not okay darling. You deserve to put yourself and your own happiness first for once, and if that means letting go then please know I'll still love you okay? You won't hurt me." I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand from the escaping tears but I was still holding back.
I brought her hand to my lips, kissing her small knuckles and shutting my eyes while just leaving them against my mouth. All I could hear was the stable beep of the machines. I wanted her to wake up and be with me again, to love me and Briar again. But because I love her so much, there was nothing more I wanted then her happiness. And if letting go to the heavens above to be the true angel she always was will make her happy, then that's what I wanted her to do and no one should be holding her back.
"I'm letting you free sweetheart." I whispered into her hand.
"Be free.."
Mary Adams
I was organizing the bookshelf in the living room when I heard a unexpected hard knock on the front door. Ben was at the pharmacy so immediately I was a little on edge at who could be here, I wasn't expecting anyone.
I furrowed my eyebrows and put the book down on the coffee table, walking cautiously over to the door. I heard the hard knock again, making me flinch as I was closer to the surface. It sounded like they were banging with their whole fist.
I grabbed the door handle and opened it up, but to my relief it was Harry standing there and not a stranger. He was looking back over his shoulder while both of his hand were leaning on the door trim.
"Geez you scared—"
He turned his head to face me and immediately I saw how his bloodshot eyes were glossed and tears were stumbling down his face. My words came to a halting stop as I saw how destroyed he was, and without Briar. He looked like he was holding back but not doing a good job because his face was full of lines of distress, his lips parted.
"I'm n-not okay." He spoke, suddenly breaking down.
My heart dropped to my shoes as his head dropped to his hands, the thick words left his lips. His eyes pinched shut and he started to cry for the first time in front of me, finally admitting his true feelings.
Before I had a second to say anything, I just stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him. The second my arms met his tall back he clung to me back in an embrace, holding me tight and balling in the doorway. I felt his racing heart against my chest, his body shaking slightly because he was so worked up.
I brought him to the ground in the open doorway, holding him tightly the whole time as we sat on our knees. I couldn't believe what was happening, I had no time to process. I was so surprised he was hugging me and finally letting me see him cry his eyes out.
I shut my eyes as he buried his head into my shoulder, my hand rubbing his upper back in circles. I don't know what made him get to this breaking point, but all I know that it was a breakdown that was impending for a while. Something happened to get him to this point and I'm scared about what it was because Briar was not here and he wouldn't of left her in the car.
But my only concern right now was him, and how for the first time in twenty five years he was finally not okay.
//
Harry's finally admitting he's not okay :(
I know it's been a few days but I have two weeks left of school and it's quite stressful so just hang in there with the updates!! Good luck to anyone in the same boat!! Thank you for all the love and support I LOVE U SO MUCH WOW