Please note that I ask a lot of questions throughout the review, you by no means have to answer them, they are simply to get you thinking more in-depth about your character. Enjoy!
[Fandom: Original. Something about witches and four elements, I think?]
[ I'm 99% sure that you had the fandom in when you first tried to comment Sam, but evidently, this is a different version of the form. I think her fandom was something about earth, wind, fire, and water witches? I don't think I had any problems with the fandom when I read the first time before all the comment/link issues.]
Full Name- Samantha Chakroün
Name Meaning- Chakroün is an Egyptian surname, which denotes gratitude or thankfulness.
[ Bloody hell, I fought so much with Google trying to search 'Chakroün', ended up having to remove the accent on the 'u' to the get anything relevant. Anyway, if you're gonna give us a name meaning, might as well go full out and go both names. Though, I'm pretty sure you did in the first comment.]
Nickname(s)- Sam: The story behind the nickname is quite humorous. Sam was the name of her old crush, who was her sophomore best friend and a brother figure- so when he moved, Samantha's sister Alyssa teased her nonstop with the nickname. Soon it stuck with her and she adopted the nickname Sam.
[ How did she feel about her nickname when it was being used as a tease? How does she feel about it now?]
Age- 18
Birth Date- October 16, 2000
Species- Witch
Ethnicity/Race- African | Egyptian
[ My geography skills and memory are pitiful. I keep forgetting Egypt is part of Africa and it blows my mind every single time I find out is it part of Africa. So... *sound of wee' mind blowing up*]
Astronomical Zodiac | Chinese Zodiac- Libra | The Dragon
Languages- Arabic, English, and Italian
[ Excluding Arabic which she would know as her native language, where did she learn these languages and at what ability is she in them? When she moved to Canada, at what ability was her English? Did she require additional support from teachers to help her English?]
Height- 5'05
Weight- 151 lbs
[ I'm conscious that typos can happen, so I wasn't sure if you meant 5'0.5" or 5'5" for her height so I ran both through the BMI and both came out as being overweight. With her potentially being 5'0.5", a healthy weight would be anything between 97 – 127{ish} lbs. If she's 5'5", we're talking anything between 112 – 149{ish} lbs.]
Body Type- Average
[ Have a look at this link, it'll explain the body types because just between you and me... I'm bloody lazy. <https://www.runnersworld.com/health-injuries/a20818211/the-3-body-types-explained/>.]
Occupation- Newly graduated witch
Location/Home- Cairo, Egypt
Gender- Female
Sex- Female
Pronouns- She/ Her
Sexuality |Romantic Attraction- Pansexual | Heteroromantic
Relationship Status- Single
Mental Health- n/a
Physical Health- Metal fillings in her left calf to replace a minor bone
[ Does it cause her any problems today? How old was she when she had to have metal put in? What did she think about having to have metal in?
As far as I remember the actual calf has two bones running through it, neither of them being minor bones. If you definitely want a minor bone to be replaced with metal, consider picking one of the loser bones in the ankle/foot region. Alternatively, if you meant that the metal replaced a minor part of her bone consider writing it something like the following...
'Due to... {the fight}, at age 'x' Samantha had to undergo surgery which added metal fillings/reinforcement to the lower part of her tibia/fibula.']
Family
Mother- Akeelah Chakroün
Samantha's most trusted person; the one who took care of her when her father passed away.
[ What is she like? Give a couple sentences looking at Akeelah's personality and a couple more speaking more about how she's Samantha's most trusted person.
Could be something like... 'Ever since Samantha was little, her mother always told her she could trust her and not be scared to tell her anything. Samantha remembers her mother saying "Even if you think telling me something will upset me or make me angry you should always tell, nothing will change how much I love you." Samantha often thought back to that when she was hesitant to tell her mother something.'
I don't know that 'touchy-feely' shit. Has Samantha picked anything up from her mother? Maybe her kindness can be traced back to her mother, maybe her love for the outdoors and nature? How well does Samantha think Akeelah managed with the loss of her husband and with raising three youngins.]
Father- Kahn Chakroün
Deceased- Tuberculosis
[ How old was Samantha when her father died? She would have been either 11 or older when he died so would presumably have remembered him so, with that can we start thinking about giving Kahn a little personality? How did his death affect her and how did she deal with it? What does she think he would think of her now?]
Alyssa Chakroün- Younger sister
Sam and Alyssa aren't that close, but they stayed together in a dormitory back in America for 2 years, until they left for Egypt.
Malcolm Chakroün- Older brother
Older brother, married and distant
[ When did they stay in America? What are the age differences different her and her siblings? Give a little personality for each of them, talk about how they interacted as kids and how their relationship changed as they matured.
What does Samantha think/feel about her siblings? Does she wish they got on better than they do? Seeing as you've mentioned it, talk a bit more about what it was like to share a dorm with Alyssa and perhaps what she thought of her brother getting married/ of his wedding/ wife or about their 'intense elemental battle'.
The above should help in fleshing out her family a little more, to make them more than just a name.]
Hair Color | Hair Style | Hair length | Hair Texture
Dark brown | Low, loose ponytail | Nearly waist length | Silky
Eye Color | Eye Shape
Black-brown | Almond
Skin Color | Skin Texture
Dark brown | Smooth
[ That's a whole lot of dark browns going on, and that's absolutely fine, just have a look at this link <https://www.collinsdictionary.com/word-lists/brown-shades-of-brown>.
It's just a list that breaks down the different shades of brown a bit more, you might be able to switch out a couple 'dark browns' for something more accurately represents the shade of brown you have in your head.]
Clothing
| Casual | A white shirt with black sleeves and breast pocket, denim shorts and yellow diesel leather shoes.
| Witch | A green and black Victorian style dress until her lower calves. The dark green dress is spilt at the middle, showing the inner black skirt. Around her neck is a black choker, along with golden bracelets, earrings and bronze pendant.
[ Is this something akin to a uniform one has to wear to perform magic? Or is it something she is expected to wear while performing magic? Much like when swimming you're expected to wear a swimming costume.
Does she have a choice in what she wears as a witch? If so, why did she pick this outfit and what does she put on her footsies because we've forgotten to mention those in this outfit? Has her outfit ever caused her any problems? Either with the dress or her accessories that go along with the outfit?]
Scars | Body Mods
Her left calf is partly metal due to a really intense elemental battle with her brother
LIKES | DISLIKES
Likes | Nature, Poetry, Casualties, Playing guitar, 90's culture, Oolong tea.
Dislikes | Formalities, Snakes, Cityscape/ pollution from the city, People who don't take her seriously, Heavy Metal, When she can't learn something properly.
[ Why does she like/dislike these things? Work on expanding them into sentences, when string them together into paragraphs.
Like example... 'She remembers watching a busker in the street playing the guitar when she was little, she begged her mother for a guitar for months before she was finally brought one. She enjoys playing the guitar because... {whatever}, she often practises... {and so on}.'
Dislike example... 'She found it difficult to learn... {something basic, maybe reading the time} when she was younger, she was often told she wasn't trying hard enough when she was... {you get the idea}.']
SKILLS
[ Skills would be something like playing the guitar, her having her knack for growing and keeping plants healthy for example.]
Strengths | Very easygoing and calm at all times, Extremely kind, Understanding, Carefree, Green thumb, Really strong physically due to her magic.
[ The last strength would fit better in some sort of ability/power section and 'green thumb' would fit better in a skills section. But I understand that due to all the issues we had in getting Samantha to me, that this is a different form layout to the one I prefer to review, so I won't judge too harshly on missing/misplaced information such as the skills and fears.
Be careful of contradictions between her strengths and weaknesses, one I spotted was involving her being 'calm at all times' against her 'extreme stage fright' and 'cries easily'. The strength suggests that she is always calm, the following two weaknesses prove that to be false, she's not calm all the time, because in those two situations she wouldn't be calm.
Much like with her likes and dislikes can we work on expanding each listed strength? We can even begin to string some of these together into sentences.
'Samantha is extremely kind, understanding and considerate of the world as well as others around her. These have... {How they have benefitted her}. Being seen as kind makes... {How being {if she is} perceived as the above things make her feel, how being kind makes her feel}.']
Weaknesses | Extreme stage fright, Somewhat insecure of herself, Too forgiving; let herself be treated wrong before, Doesn't stand up for herself most of the time, Takes most of the blame, Cries easily.
[ The first weakness, I feel would be in Samantha's fear section if she were to have one, so I'm going to treat it as her fear. What caused this fear? How does it affect her when she is placed in front of masses of spectators? She is attempting to overcome her fright?
Can we go into a little more detail on why she's insecure of herself and why it's only somewhat? For example, if we say she's insecure about how she looks {shit example I know, but stick with me} some days she might wake up and feel like she's looking like an absolute Goddess, the next day, she may wake up and feel like she's looking like one of Jenny Saville's self-portraits. Is it a similar kind of deal to the above, like an on/off sort of thing?
With the following three weaknesses, is she aware of these being weaknesses or are they weaknesses that others have pinned to her? If the latter, it could be worded something like: 'Friends have often told her that she's "too forgiving, takes too much blame, and lets herself get walked all over" but Samantha doesn't seem to see it that way at all, she's just being kind.'
If she is aware of these three weaknesses, bare in mind that it may cause an issue with her being 'carefree', if she's aware and doesn't give two shits about it, then the issues is no worry. However, if she is aware of them and it negatively affects her in some way, for example, she worries about being treated wrong, then the issue is present.
And last but not least, what causes her to cry easily? Like mentioned above this may cause conflict with her first strength if it remains as it is now, I'll offer suggestions on how to fix that issue at the end of the review. Back to crying, how does she feel when she cries? How does that feeling change {if it does} when compared to crying in front of other people?]
PERSONALITY
Samantha is a very easy-going and carefree woman who cannot hold a grudge for too long.
[ Does she feel her inability to hold a grudge for a prolonged period of time is a help or hindrance?]
She rarely gets angry and doesn't snap at anyone;
[ Has there been a time when she has snapped? How did it feel to express her anger openly/outwards? Is it a conscious choice to not get angry/snap at anyone? If so, why and how did she come to this decision?]
she understands the world is full of problems and shortcomings, so she does her best in being really nice and friendly to everyone.
[ What does she think this will achieve in the long run?]
She has a green thumb and is an outdoors person.
[ Why's she interested/taken a liking to nature and the outdoors? Perhaps this could be something she picked up from her mother? Maybe her mother had a little memory garden for Kahn after he died and Samantha would always help her mom care for the plants in her father's garden? Or perhaps the love for the outdoors came from her father before he passed away?]
She's an ambivert, meaning she has no problem talking and making friends with other people, but cannot speak in big crowds and has stage fright.
[ Interesting idea, however, think about having her stage fright and inability to speak in front of big crowds be something separate from her being an ambivert, I wouldn't have those be caused by her being ambivert.
Have a look at this link, it does the whole 'you may do this if you're an ambivert', might help in fleshing her ambivertness out a bit more. < https://themindsjournal.com/not-an-introvert-not-an-extrovert-you-may-be-an-ambivert/>.]
As a Catholic, she prays a lot and goes to church a lot, and only mildly curses.
[ Was she brought up as a Catholic or was she introduced in her later life? If so, how and when was she introduced to the religion? Are there any Catholic beliefs that she disagrees with/interprets differently to what is taught in church? Why does she only curse mildly? How does she feel immediately after releasing a 'major' curse word {I guess}.]
BACKSTORY
Samantha was born in Egypt in a family with 2 annoyingly charming siblings. Her mother's side is Human while her Father's side is Wizard, which made it hard for her to balance her normal highschool life and her magic life.
[ What were some of the difficulties she faced, how did she go about tackling them? Is she still trying to tackle them? What was her primary/elementary school life like? How did she interact with her annoyingly charming siblings at a young age?]
Her older brother Malcolm and her are both hoarding Kahn's blood type, while her younger sister, Alyssa hoards Akeelah's blood type.
[ Since the blood type seems to determine if your able to 'wield' an element, might be worth giving the 'wizard blood type' a name. Even if you use the way we categorise our types of blood and stick a 'w' for wizard for something in front of it to signify its ability to allow magic.
Example...'(w)A-'. 'A-' is the base blood type, much like human blood types. (w) signifies that the blood is a little more than your basic human blood, has magical capabilities.
Using that example Malcolm and Samantha may have (w)A- blood, while Alyssa may just have your basic run-of-the-mill A- blood. Just give the 'wizard blood type' a name, makes it seem more 'legit' then.]
When she was eight years old, they moved to Canada because Akeelah had a job offering, making Samantha go to a public school full of stereotypical people.
[ How did Samantha feel about having to move and {presumably} leave her friends in Egypt?]
She was bullied for being black and being naïve all the time, but that doesn't stop her from being a sweetheart.
[ How did the bullying affect her and how did she come to the decision to not let it bother her/continue acting kind?
The bullying doesn't seem to have bothered her so why would they move back to Egypt? If it affected her at home {e.g. she would cry and whatnot} that would be a reason to move, as well as if the bullying began to get physical. Think about adding something to show that it affected Samantha to cause the move back.
So the Chakroün family had moved back to her grandparents' ancestral place.
[ Did she feel guilty for essentially being the reason her family had to move and presumably for her parents having to find new jobs back in Egypt?]
When she was 11, Kahn enrolled her in Egypt's Avrohn School of Sorcery ( EASOS ) and there, she honed her element for 7 years, thus becoming a great (but not too great) witch.
[ Who'd she feel about the school? Was she happy there? Did she make any friends? If she did, consider adding them to her relationships. What is her element and what's her plan now she's graduated? ]
Voice Claim
Sarah Urie
MAIN THEME
One Last Time - Ariana Grande
Now let's get down to business...
Pros
· Her basics are fine. [Name to Languages and then Occupation to Mental health.]
· Nice idea with the 'partly' metal leg.
· Diverse range of likes and dislikes, let's expand them!
· Interesting list of strengths and weaknesses that link well to her personality, few conflicts here and there but still an interesting list.
· I have no major issues with her personality, she's my first ambivert, that's gotta count for something, right? Also, it could do with expanding, interesting use of religion could potentially work pretty well with Samantha.
· I like the 'magical' blood type thing we have going on, fun fun fun.
Cons
· Weight issues. A bit bland and repetitive when it comes to the words describing her colours.
. Could do with her metal leg incident being spoken about more as well as the actual whereabouts of the metal.
. Likes and dislikes could be expanded on and pushed into sentences rather than just keywords listed.
. Much like the likes and dislikes, the strengths and weaknesses could do with being expanded and watch out for contradictions between them.
. Her relationships can be developed more.
. Backstory could do with having certain points explained or at least mentioned in it. E.g. father's death, 2-year stay in America, the elemental fight.
Possible Improvements/Changes...
The weight issue is an easy fix, I assumed that by 'average body type' you might that she has a healthy weight so just pick which height she is {either 5'0.5" or 5'5"} and go from there. You should find the healthy weight range for both of those heights within the review above.
Secondly, the words used to describe the colours. If you look at the link in relation to appearance colours, you might find words to more accurately describe the colours of your imaging. I doubt the 'dark brown' of her hair is the very same 'dark brown' of her skin.
===
For the contradiction in her strengths and weaknesses, it's an easy fix, just a case of having to slightly re-word it. Something like the following:
'She's very easy-going and able to remain calm when faced with most situations.' Or 'She often appears very easy-going and calm in 99% of the situations she's in, even if that's not the case on the inside.'
I'm also finding myself I bit on the fence with 'carefree', I can see it clashing with 'somewhat insecure of herself' and a little bit with the following three weaknesses. The issue with the three weaknesses is that if she isn't aware of them then it shouldn't be a problem, but I'm unsure if she is aware of others taking advantage of her... Hence, I'm on the fence. Just something to keep in mind I guess.
===
For her personality, look to the questions posed in the above review think about why she's interested in the things she is, maybe they come from a parent, maybe they don't. Think about why she acts the way she does, how acting that way makes her feel. Look at the link to help expand on her ambivertness and look to expand more on her religion.
===
For her relationships, have a look at the link I post in almost every other review for a little extra help cracking at her relationship <https://www.nownovel.com/blog/writing-about-relationships-how-to-make-them-real/>.
Look to comments made in the review for a few more suggestions and questions to hopefully help you out too.
===
In the backstory, consider adding her elemental fight with her brother in her backstory, what caused the fight, how she felt about having to have metal in her leg, and such. As well as, clearing up the part where she stayed in America with her sister, the backstory mentions nothing about them going to America. The only possible place I could see their trip to America fitting in would be after they had to move from Canada, they took a 2-year detour to America before returning to their grandparents' ancestral place {which I'm assuming is back in Egypt}. But, because the 2-year stay in America is only mentioned in Alyssa's relationship, it makes it seem like it was only her and Samantha staying in America for the 2-year. Which seems a bit suspects seeing as they should be around the ages of ≤8 – 11 years old at that time.
So in short, just clarify when the 2 years in America happened. Also, add when Kahn died and how it affected out little Sammy.
[These are just suggestions, you by no means have to do any of these.]
Mary Sue?
No
Marks & Grades
Originality - 7
Overall Grade - D
'Father, Father, Father help us. Send some guidance from above. 'Cause people got me, got me questioning. Where is the love?'
–The Black Eyed Peas, Where Is The Love?
[Thank you to -icedbeverage for submitting Miss Samantha who I kept reading as 'Samara' when checking through this review, it's been a pleasure reviewing her!]
[If you have any questions or queries about this review or require any help with this or any future OC just drop me a message, I'd be happy to help any way I can.]
×Isaac×