Day 51 without Amelia
Harry Styles
I laid Briar down in her crib after rocking her for forty five minutes, she was luckily going to sleep and the silence was heavenly. My ears were ringing from her constant cries and I was fighting to keep my eyes open. I could maybe even get some sleep tonight, I haven't shut my eyes in three days and I was feeling it catch up to me.
She shut her eyes as I laid her down, the feeling was almost foreign to my vision. I rarely perceive her going to sleep anymore, so she must've been really really tired.
I slowly pulled my arms back, looking at her for a moment through my stinging eyes. I watched her for a second to make sure she was really asleep, but as I was standing there I felt a wave of nausea cast over me. It hit me like brick wall because the next thing I knew I was pacing down to the bathroom.
Immediately I fell to the tiled floor and threw up all in the toilet, emptying what little amounts I had in my stomach and having the vile taste coat my mouth. I dry heaved a couple times before just falling down to the floor in weakness. This was the third time in a few days that I've thrown up, I think it was because of how destroyed my body was from the lack of everything.
I laid on my side on the bathroom door, feeling the weakest that I've ever been. My stomach ached and my body temperature was so low to the point where I was shaking mildly.
I couldn't help but imagine what it would've been like right now if Amelia was here. I try hard sometimes to fight thoughts like that because they just leave me more heartbroken. But she was a permanent asset to my mind, I thought of her hundreds of times a day.
If she was here, she would be sitting me up right about now, bringing my head to her chest and rubbing my cold back. She would stroke my hair out of my face and kiss my clammy forehead, rubbing my skin in comfort. She would've ran me a shower and got me fresh clothes while I was in it. She would've been here to comfort me, making me feel taken care of. She was the only one to ever do that to me, I never experienced something like comfort before her.
Fuck I needed to stop thinking about this.
I reached my hand up and flushed the toilet before grabbing the edge for resistance to pull myself up. I sit up and then grab the sink counter, pulling myself up again but to my feet because I was clearly too weak to do it by myself.
I stood up and felt dizzy while doing so, shutting my eyes for a second so it would go away. I peeled my eyes back open to look at myself in the mirror, running the cold tap water. I leaned down under the facet stream and rinsed my mouth out a couple times, getting ride of the vomit taste.
I didn't know what to do with my time that Briar was asleep. Do I sleep? Do I shower? Do I clean up? I was confused on what to do with anytime I had away from her. The problem was I didn't want to do anything at all. I've lost all motivation to complete any task while I actually had the time— I've given up. I just needed to feel nothing to escape this torture.
I grabbed the pills from the cabinet and did what I usually did, crushed them on the counter top so they became a powder. I pushed it all into a line before hunching over and snorting it all off the surface. I did it so mindlessly now, my sense is hesitation withering away like the conscience I once had.
The burn hit me hard as I flew back up straight and saw white spots in my eyes from the rapid transition. I looked at myself in the mirror while wiping my nose a couple times, breathing heavily through my mouth.
My red rimmed eyes stared back at me through the reflection, my irises dark as night. I breathed heavily through my parted chapped lips and sniffed a few times through my burning nose. My hands were gripping the side of the counter as I let the drugs mask my pain. I was so sleep deprived and that wasn't a good mix for doing this, but I didn't care anymore.
I can feel it, the drugs entering my bloodstream for an intense high. It's one of the best feelings to the whole experience. I can feel the Oxycodone starting to numb parts of my body and reaching my brain.
I blink a few times before impulsively going to the shower and slowly turning it on hot. The water started spraying against the back wall while I lazily started to undress. As I was taking off my clothes I felt the effects of the drugs hitting my hard, making everything seem hazy but not like I was falling asleep. My body started to feel numb, the pain disguising into background noise.
I eventually got into the shower, feeling the scolding hot water hit my skin and blanket my chest but for some reason it felt good, not painful. I let the steaming water cover my skin, all my senses slowing down.
I rubbed my eyes and stood under the stream, feeling my body get swallowed in the water for the first time in a handful of days.
I took the drugs to get rid the pain in my body and mind, but thoughts of Amelia were still entering my head. I pictured her here, standing behind me and kissing the dip in my spine between my shoulder blades. I imagined turning around and seeing her standing here with me in the shower, water droplets rolling down her soft skin and jumping off the tips of her hair.
I imagined me lifting my hand up and tucking her wet hair behind her ear, her hazel eyes locked to mine. Her lips would be slightly parted and her eyelashes would've clumped together from the water. She would've looked absolutely breathtaking. I would've placed my finger under her chin and bent down to kiss her out of lack of control.
I really missed kissing her.
She was always such a soft kisser, when she wanted to be that was. Her bottom lip would massage mine softly, my head dipped slightly down while her back would arch almost subconsciously. Our breathing would always be synchronized, and I always could tell just by how our exhales crashed together within the second our lips were apart.
"Stop." I said to myself, opening my eyes from under the water.
I can't think about her, not now. I'm trying to keep her out of my mind as much as I can. The drugs are suppose to numb all my feelings, my thoughts.
But she was everything to me, and I couldn't get visions of her out of my head. She was the peace to my violent life, the light to my dark alley. I missed waking up to her, kissing her, holding her, smelling her.
"Stop it." I repeated, needing to get thought of her out of my head.
I grabbed the shampoo and fumbled opening it before pouring some in my hand and starting to harshly wash my hair to distract myself from thinking of Amelia anymore then I needed to. I felt so light on my feet and washed of any physical pain, but my emotions were still hurting. Because as long as I was thinking of Amelia, I was in pain. But she was my addiction and I couldn't just not think about her.
Her hair, her eyes, her lips, her hands.
I scrubbed my head harder.
Her smile, her laugh, her voice, her kiss.
"Fuck!" I shouted in frustration before hitting myself in the temple, needing these thoughts to leave. I could barely feel the hit from the effects of the drugs in my bloodstream, but I needed to hit myself.
I leaned my head against the wet tiled wall and pinched my eyes shut, cursing at myself for letting me think about her when I already was suffering.
"Just stop, just stop." I mumbled to myself with my head against the wall.
I pushed myself back under the water stream and finished my shower, keeping my eyes open the entire time because the second I shut them I knew I was just going to picture her.
I eventually shut off the water, having no perception of time and how long I was in this shower for. I opened the curtain into the steam filled bathroom, wanting to lift my foot over the edge of the tub but for some reason it took a lot for my mind to send that message to my leg and lift up. But eventually it slowly did and I stepped out of the bathtub and onto the cold floor. My brain was taking in everything a lot slower and I haven't noticed it until now.
I grab the towel off the rack and wrap it around my waist, walking over to the sink again. I look in the mirror for about thirty seconds until I realized it was fogged from steam and I couldn't actually see myself. I lifted my hand and wiped the condensation off the reflective surface so I could see myself.
Immediately the first thing I saw was my nose, and how it was bleeding. I widened my bloodshot eyes and wiped it with the back of my hand, hunching over and running the facet to clean myself up.
Nosebleeds used to sometimes happen to me when I would do coke, so it was nothing unfamiliar or alarming.
I washed off my hand and kept blotting my nose with water to get rid of all the blood, repeating this process a bunch of times until I felt like it was all gone.
"Always was one for the drugs huh?" I heard a mans voice speak, making my heart stop and my anatomy freeze.
I stood back up form the sink and turned my head behind me in startle, seeing no one was actually there. My stomach was twisting as I turned my head all around the small room. I swear I just heard someone speak, but all that I was hearing now was the water running in the sink.
It must be the drugs.
I turned back to the sink and leaned down to the facet again, washing off my nose of blood, gripping the sides of the counter to keep my balance. I shut off the water and stand back up again, keeping my head dipped down and taking a second to breathe. Water from my hair dripped into the sink and rolled down to the small drain, still soaked from my shower and I don't remember drying it off.
I lifted my head back up and looking in the mirror again, but when my eyes met another pair from behind me I felt my heart collapse to my feet and my breath be robbed from my body.
My eyes were staring at dark brown irises and jet black hair. This body stood behind me in the mirror, glaring back at me with a deranged look.
"Missed me?" He spoke devilishly with a smirk that I've seen too many times before.
My face fell as I flipped my body around to look at him actually standing there a meter from me in this bathroom. I gripped the counter behind myself while my whole body broke out into a panicked sweat. His scruffy facial hair was just how I remembered and his shirt with ripped off sleeves was something I didn't think I'd ever see again. I couldn't believe who I was staring at.
I was staring at Zayn.
//
remember when I said in hideaways epilogue that devotion will include ALL the boys? everyone in the comments joked about zayn being apart of that but—