Stuck lang ako sa bahay ngayon dahil hindi na kami nagkaklase at tapos na ang requirements. Ilang days malamg tapos gagraduate na kami. Kinakabahan ako. Baka mamaya may mafail pala akong subject sa huling huling term, tapos hindi ako makagraduate. Paano nalang kung ganun? I shook my head. Hindi maaari.
Umuulan, heck, ang lakas pa nga, pero hindi ako mapakali. Andami kong iniisip. I was only wearing a white shirt and shorts dahil nasa bahay lang naman ako, habang nakahiga na sa kama ko. Nakapatay ang ilaw, ang phone ko lang ang tanging ilaw na nagliliwanag. I was talking with Joon, but his replies are getting shorter and shorter. Hindi ko alam kung bakit.
I furrowed my brows, nang magreply siya ulit.
From: Namjoon
I'm sorry. What are you doing tonight?
Wala naman. Wala naman siyang kasalanan, maybe he was just having a bad day, pero nagsosorry pa din siya sa akin. Ano bang nangyayari?
For some reason, nakaramdam din ako ng lungkot nang maramdaman ko na siguro ay malungkot siya. Ang hirap siguro ng pagiging idol, no? Maybe you will have many fans, but hindi pa rin naman nun matatanggal ang hirap at pagod na ginawa mo physically. Kahit na sabihin pa na maginhawa sa pakiramdam at nakapanggiginhawa yung madaming sumusuporta sayo, at the end of the day ay naaapektuhan pa din naman ang katawan mo.
To: Namjoon
Hey. Did something happen?
Nang masend ko yun ay agad naman akong nakareceive ng reply galing sa kanya.
From: Namjoon
I'm at your door.
Nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko sa nabasa ko. How did he know kung san ako nakatira? Tsaka ang lakas ng ulan! Bakit siya nandito?!
Agad naman akong tumakbo sa baba papuntang front door dahil kung nandun nga siya ay baka mamaya magkasakit pa siya. Hindi ko naman hahayaan na mangyari yun! Wala na akong pakialam kung ano man yung suot ko, basta ang importante sa akin ay mapapasok ko na siya.
Nasa harapan na ako ng front door, at huminga ng malalim. Binuksan ko na ito at nagulat ako nang makita ko si Namjoon.
His hair was a wet mop on top of his head, his eyes puffy red, his clothes a little bit soaked. Anong ginagawa niya?!
Agad ko naman siyang pinapasok at nagulat ako nang yakapin niya ako matapos na maisara ko yung pinto.
Sasabihin ko sana na maligo muna siya dahil basang basa siya, kaso nga lang ay naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng mga balikat niya at ang uneven breathing niya. Something is wrong.
It made me feel sad. Anong meron? Anong nangyari?
I hugged him back and he hugged me tighter, as his cries sounded softly against my ears. It broke me. Bakit ang sakit pakinggan kapag lalaki na ang umiiyak? And of all people, bakit sa akin niya ipinakita ang side niya na ito?
Ayaw kong makita siya na malungkot, nasasaktan. Ayoko.
"Hey, Namjoon. What happened?" sabi ko sa kanya, and then he breathed in heavily.
"Everything happened, and I'm sorry kasi dinamay pa kita. You shouldn't see me cry but here I am crying on your shoulder when all I ever want is to give you all the shoulders when you cry," sabi niya, and I smiled sadly.
He's such a pure person, and I love that about him. Heck. I think I love him. Who would dare to hurt someone like Namjoon when he deserves the whole world in his hands?
"Hey, hindi mo ako dinamay, dahil sadyang magkaramay na tayo dito. It should be give and take. If you want to give me your shoulder when you cry, I sure as hell would do the same thing because that's what you deserve. Pero Joon, go take a hot bath first, baka magkasakit ka nyan. Let's talk about this after your bath, okay?" sabi ko, and then he pulled away from my hug.
"But I don't have clothes here," sabi niya, and I smiled at him.
"My dad has clothes here, although he never stays home. You can use them," sabi ko, at ngumiti naman siya sa akin.
"Thank you very much, Ayen. You're always here," sabi niya, at sinuklian ko naman siya ng ngiti. "Um, where's the bathroom?"
"You can use that one upstairs at the end of the corridor," sabi ko, and then he nodded at ipinagpatuloy na ang naudlot niyang pag akyat.
Pumunta naman ako sa kitchen at gumawa ng hot chocolate para sa aming dalawa, tapos ay inilapag yun sa may coffee table sa living room. Binuksan ko yung tv at naghanap ng music channel, tapos ay umupo na.
After sitting down, I dialled the local pizza parlor at nag-order ng dalawang box ng pizza. Twenty minutes pa daw bago yun deliver so habang naghihintay dun at kay Namjoon ay napatingin ako sa ceiling.
Naiisip ko pa lang na nandito si Namjoon ay tumitibok na agad ng mabilis yung puso ko at may pakiramdam ako na parang kinakabahan. Hindi ko na alam kung anong mangyayari sakin. Para akong hindi makahinga, pero para rin namang lagi nalang akong napapangiti ng presensya niya. Then it dawned on me. Maybe I really am into him.
But how do I say it?
"Ayen," rinig kong pagtawag niya, at napalingon naman ako.
Damn.
He was wearing a black shirt and some pajama pants, tapos ay pinupunasan niya yung buhok niyang basang basa pa dahil kakagaling niya sa pagligo. Damn, why do I want to see this everyday? He looked so, I didn't expect na sasabihin ko to, hot. Like damn.
I patted the spot next to me, kaya naman ay naupo siya dun at binigyan niya ako ng ngiti so I smiled back at him.
"Thank you," sabi niya, nang ibigay ko sa kanya yung hot chocolate niya. I just nodded at him habang pinapanood siya na inumin yun.
"So what happened? Anong nangyari sayo?" sabi ko, and then he placed the mug down on the coffee table.
"Maybe I just got enough of it, pero kahit na marami kaming supporters, madami din kaming haters. And ako ang pinakamadaming haters, sa totoo lang. Then a while ago, I went on twitter and instagram at nakita na napakadaming nagbabash sa akin. Ang masakit pa, mismong ARMYs yun. Sinasabi nila na sana hindi nalang ako nasali sa Bangtan at sana daw ay hindi nalang ako nabuhay. It hurts me. I mean, gusto ko lang naman na mapasaya at mainspire yung mga ARMY sa musika namin, pero ang kinalabasan pa ay binabash nila ako. Nadisappoint lang ako at nasaktan, dahil kahit na hindi nila ako magawang mahalin ng kasing pagmamahal nila kina Jungkook, mahal na mahal ko pa din sila," sabi ni Namjoon, and I almost dropped a tear sa sinabi niya.
How could they say that to someone like Namjoon? He really cares for his fans, kaso nga lang ay ganyan ang sinusukli ng iba sa kanya. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko.
"Hey, you're amazing. You're strong. Don't let them affect you and keep inspiring, okay?" sabi ko sa kanya, and then he gave me a smile.
I smiled back at him, and it seemed like the whole world freezed.
He is such a beautiful person, I know it. And I love it. Heck. His smile made its way to ,y heart and my memory, and I don't ever wanna lose that.
"Namjoon," I whispered, and then he looked at me. Look only at me.
"Yes?" he asked, and I gave him a gentle smile.
"I love you," I said, and before I could say anything else, he cupped my cheeks and then placed his lips against mine.
They were soft, and they fit perfectly against mine. I fluttered my eyes closed and melted into the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck. He smiled against my lips, and then pulled away. His forehead was against mine and our noses were touching, but his gaze was fixated on mine. Only mine.
"Fuck, I love you, Ayen. I love you, Chienne Euna Kim, and that's all I ever want to do in my life. To love you right and grow old with you. You're my ideal girl, and am hoping for you to be my reality. Will you be mine?" He asked, and I smiled.
"I will. A million times over," I said, and he smiled back at him. His eyes were full of love, and I knew I was lucky.
He placed his lips against mine once again and this time, I kissed back. I felt him lowering me down on the couch, but I let it be. Just when we were about to deepen the kiss, the doorbell rang making me remember about the pizza.
"Um? You ordered something?" he asked, and I chuckled.
"Yeah," I answered.
"Panira siya, ha?" he said, chuckling, pero naglakad siya papuntang front door.
I fucking fell in love with an anonymous, but I don't regret it one bit.