It was raining. It was raining hard, and Jiwon was in love with it.
They decided to wrap up the filming at the park and move onto shoots back inside a warm, not-wet studio and Jiwon's request of 'please don't make the set as sickeningly lovey-dovey this time' actually came through. Jiwon still arrived in the best blue raincoat he had, waddling inside like a penguin and grinning when the director patted his head. "I came prepared."
"I can see that but we're not shooting outside, you know."
"I know! But still. Very prepared."
"Well, shed that, get styled up, then we're ready to go," the director said, smiling briefly before he clapped his hands and rounded all the crew along with the actress up. "Everyone! This is our last day for shooting so let's make sure it goes well! You've all done incredibly good so far and I'm proud, so keep up the good work and we can all get some nice food after. I'll pay, of course."
There were hopeful cheers and Jiwon smiled, feeling his heart being filled up as the actress stood beside him, sending him a grin. "How's it going, buttercup?"
"All good. Let's do this," Jiwon said brightly, taking hold of her hand as he dragged her over to the stylists and she laughed, letting him do it.
Jiwon had announced very casually to the others that it was his last day shooting. Yunhyeong had cheered, wrapping him up in a hug while Chanwoo threw out all kinds of congratulations and Junhoe raised his glass, nodding. Jinhwan loudly joined the hug too while Donghyuk ran off only to come back with fucking pompoms so he could become the cheerleader he was destined to be in an alternate life. It was great and Jiwon loved them all, even extending an arm to forcefully pull Junhoe into the hug, grinning when Junhoe pressed his face into Jiwon's shoulder kind of affectionately. Such a puppy.
Of course Hanbin wasn't there.
But Jiwon didn't actually mind so much, and he wondered why he didn't. But it didn't matter. If anything, it was a good thing that it wasn't affecting him.
"What do you think about quails?" Jiwon asked the actress randomly when the others were going through their shots and the actress raised an eyebrow at him.
"I mean...yeah, they're cute."
"I'm gonna kiss one today," Jiwon said without thinking, his heart swelling from his own words and the actress grinned.
"Aww, do you have a pet quail or something? Are you getting one? That's adorable."
Was Hanbin his pet? Not really. Or he could be, he couldn't imagine Hanbin disliking Jiwon scratching him under the chin- but Jiwon felt so jittery that he couldn't keep still or quiet about any of this. Hell, it was the luckiest thing when the director called for a break because otherwise, Jiwon really might have blurted out his exact plans and ruined what everyone thought about him which wasn't what he needed at all, not right now. So he just went outside after believing that it was still raining from the small pitter-pattering he could hear on the roof, quickly calming down the stylists who were worried about his look getting ruined with as much charm as he could muster before he slipped out. The cold moisture hitting him was a delicious feeling. It felt so much better without the raincoat.
He could feel himself slowly getting soaked through and through. It was average rainfall, the type of rainfall that was neutral with no purpose to destroy, it would last for a good amount of time and he angled his head towards the sky, closing his eyes even though he really wished that he didn't have to. The rain trickled down his face, his hair, and it was doing what it always did - washing away Jiwon's worries, his thoughts, until everything was gone and he felt like simple quintessence floating in space. There was nothing holding him down.
Clean slate.
But there was too much going on for there to be a clean slate.
I want to be someone he loves, Jiwon thought, looking down once more. I want to let him know that I love him, that I can love him, that...I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing but somehow I can't stop thinking about doing it so doesn't that mean something? I don't know how I fell in love with you, Bin, but it happened and you said that was okay. Should I believe you? I want to.
"Sir!" He heard someone call and he blinked, turning around to see a stylist standing almost outside but not quite, arms over her head to shield herself from rain possibly hitting her. But in one of her hands, she was shaking something - Jiwon's phone. "You keep being texted!"
"Ah, by who?" Jiwon asked, frowning and the stylist answered, "Hanbin-ssi, I believe-"
"It's okay!" someone in the distance called out, familiar sweet voice, a soft yell, and Jiwon froze. "Hanbin-ssi's already here!"
The stylist blanched before quickly slipping back inside and Jiwon looked around frantically, not having been able to catch which direction the voice was coming from and the rain was going too hard for him to get a good look of anything and suddenly he felt trapped, like this was another dream all over again that would take a nightmarish turn, maybe it would be even worse than last time - but arms were wrapping around him. No, Hanbin didn't crash into him like Jiwon would've expected (if he even had been expecting anything), but he was gentle, hugging him tightly and Jiwon didn't know why. "Hanbin?"
"Jinhwa- Jinhwan-hyung poked fun at me for not being there last night and it, it made me feel bad," Hanbin managed to get out, breathing heavily and the rain went on around them but Jiwon was starting to forget about it as he saw Hanbin's pretty eyes so close to his, small white clouds of cold leaving his lips each second. "I n-needed to say good luck but you weren't even replying to my texts and this decision to come was so impromptu but it felt right and I just-"
"Have you been drinking? You're okay, right?" Jiwon asked worriedly, stroking a hand down Hanbin's cheek gently, with the back of his hand like always, and the latter grimaced.
"Just some cider but, not drunk, not even tipsy. I think. I'm fine."
Their breath was mingling as the rain crashed onto them, making Jiwon want to stick even closer to Hanbin.
"God, you really- you didn't have to, idiot. You really didn't," Jiwon murmured, knowing very well that his heart was trying to tell him something but he didn't want to listen. He rested both hands on Hanbin's face, frowning when Hanbin closed his eyes and tried his best to level out his breathing more. "You're crazy. So crazy."
"Cr-crazy for you, maybe," Hanbin replied with a weak smile and Jiwon shook his head, astounded.
"Shut up."
"Aren't you cold?"
"Not even a bit."
"You really love the rain, don't you?" Hanbin asked softly, taking in Jiwon's willingly drenched appearance as one of his arms slipped down to his waist and he rested his free hand on Jiwon's chest, fiddling with the material and the feeling was so hard to ignore. Jiwon laid a hand over it to stop it from being so distracting, keeping the other one on Hanbin's cheek that was so warm even with the cold water trying to get everywhere it could. Even in such gloom, his enigmatic Hanbin was glowing. "I like rain just because it's so dynamic, so simplistically able to wash things away but - it makes you happy, you find peace in it, right? It gives you ataraxia. I think that's beautiful."
"I don't know what that word meant but thank you," Jiwon replied, trying to hide his awe and it seemed to work from the way Hanbin laughed. "It just...feels good. I don't think too deeply about it like that."
"Yeah, I know, and I love that."
"Why?"
"I've spent my whole life thinking too deeply about things...sometimes you're like a breath of fresh air. But then again you can think deep too, and I can think freely at times. There's always something that differs or something that's similar and it's just...something I appreciate so much. It's something I take for granted, 'cause it's like it's always been like that, for so long."
"You never take anything for granted, Bin, I know you. The humblest kid."
"But you- aren't you different? I always think you'll be there. But you can't always be there. I think I can do anything with you because of all we've been through. But that's not true. There are boundaries. There are problems that'll arise if I keep ignoring them. I love you and that's, that's just it, life is more difficult when it comes to people you lo-"
And that was the moment Jiwon chose. That was the moment he chose to shut Hanbin's sweet mouth up as he gently pulled Hanbin's face closer and with a small wisp of breath between them, he pressed their lips together, feeling Hanbin instantly go slack-jawed. And for a split-second, Jiwon swore that everything that was wrong with the universe faded away into nothing. Hanbin's grip on him tightened, and Jiwon didn't feel any pain anymore. No more dread, no more hurt, no more wanting to scream his voice away. His heart felt like it had been set free from its cage of desolation - until, the mirage faded.
Because the instant Jiwon pulled away, expecting to catch his breath and keep Hanbin in his arms, instead he got Hanbin pushing him away so forcefully that he almost slipped on the wet ground.
"Wha-"
"W-What are you doing? Why, why did you do that?!" Hanbin asked and for a terrifying second, it seemed like the dream until Jiwon took in Hanbin's clenched fists, the shaking of his pupils, the angry red colouring his face but he wasn't angry, he only looked confused, lost. And the rain still went on around them to mark Jiwon's demise.
"Because-"
"This is a joke, please-"
"Hanbin," Jiwon said firmly, ignoring how his heart was cracking inside his chest as he took hold of the younger's wrists, painfully staring him right in the eye and Hanbin breathed out, staring back as his eyes cleared and he whispered, "It's not a joke."
"I'm in love with you," Jiwon said, as dynamically, as fairytale-perfectly as he could but his voice still cracked at the end because how couldn't it when those five words carried more weight than the world? And Hanbin bit his lip, shaking his head, and water flew. Because of the rain, Jiwon didn't properly notice the tears in Hanbin's eyes.
"N-No, no you're not-"
"I am-"
"You're not, please, it's not me," Hanbin begged, backing up, wrenching his hands out of Jiwon's hold and Jiwon could only let him. "I'm so- I'm so sorry."
Jiwon's heart was breaking so much that anger was beginning to blindside him. "What are you talking about?"
"Why did- why did you...no, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters, I just- I should go."
Jiwon furrowed his eyebrows, his voice a million times softer as he asked a confused, "What?", wanting more than anything to understand and erase the vulnerability in Hanbin's expression but Hanbin only shook his head, whispering another 'sorry' before he turned and ran off, not stopping once until he was out of sight which didn't take long at all in the dark wet mist but Jiwon still tried searching for him, looking around helplessly as the rain blocked out all of his senses. Why wasn't the rain helping him? Why didn't the rain feel like his friend anymore?
I'll wake up, Jiwon thought, still holding onto a thread of hope. I'll wake up and this day wouldn't have happened yet, I wouldn't have kissed him, I wouldn't have told him I was in love with him. Any second now.
So he waited.
And waited.
He waited until there were tears mixing in with the rain.
He waited until he couldn't wait anymore, because he was called back into the studio. And he still hadn't woken up.
He walked in numbly, stylists fussing over his drenched self but the instant the director caught a glimpse of his wretched face, he pushed a cameraman out of the way and made his way over quickly, eyebrows furrowed. "Jiwon?"
Jiwon couldn't help his face from scrunching up as he shook his head. He couldn't speak. His mind was transferring all and anything into white noise on default, and everything was blurry as strong arms went around him, the director's, then another pair of lithe ones, the actress', and he felt their care and worry but it wasn't getting into his head. Nothing was.
"Yoona, get him some water," the director ordered and the actress nodded, rushing off with a stylist as the director pulled back and rested his hands on Jiwon's shoulders, trying to get the guy to look at him. "Hey, hey. Kiddo, what happened? What's wrong?"
Jiwon shook his head, sniffing. "He hates me."
"What?"
"He hates me. I hate me. So much."
Someone handed the director some tissues and he handed them to Jiwon who slowly wiped his face, looking down at the tissues and sniffling some more. "I knew it wasn't going to turn out right...but I still went for it. And I'm not sure if- if it was even worth it. And now he's gone. And he'll hate me forever. And I don't blame him, for anything."
"Jiwon-"
"I-I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Then let's finish shooting," Jiwon muttered, his voice giving out at the end as he trudged off, wet and torn apart and bereft, and the director stopped anyone from going after him.
"Leave him be," he muttered, worry clouding his face. "I think it's gonna be a while until he's okay, even if he pretends to be."