Funnily enough, Jiwon didn't see the director 'tomorrow' because the staff texted him first thing the next day that there was no shooting. It was sort of a break for him but not for the director, he had to cater to some 'urgent' matters that Jiwon didn't know about. Which was fine. An off day was great, that meant less getting tired too fast, even though Jiwon was kind of starting to settle into it which was why, when he sat up and pulled on some socks, he already felt a little empty. He was really going to miss it today. What about when it was over?
The day was more lazy than he could even imagine. Writing terrible lyrics, scrunching up the paper and throwing them at the wall, accidentally throwing one at Junhoe which had him apologising profusely a million times over. He didn't know why Junhoe had come into his room, he forgot to question it, and Junhoe had quickly left anyway.
It was five pm when he got too bored of lounging about in his chair and he decided to go to a bar. Just a small nearby one where the people already knew him, the atmosphere was more than comfortable and the bartender would keep filling him up the instant one of his glasses finished. He didn't take a glass this time though, he just asked for two bottles and regressed to a little table in the corner of his room, putting his feet up on the booth opposite (and this was totally NOT because Junhoe's words had got to him and he wanted to make sure he wouldn't flirt with the bartender). He was about to take a swig before his phone buzzed in his pocket and he jolted.
- you're not at home??
Jiwon laughed a little bitterly.
- just missed me, tiger. been in there all day til now
- seriouSLY? ugh
- wanted to hang out with you n jinanhyung
- jinhwan's got a schedule
- COME ON
- my friends are all leaving me
- oh stop it you have other friends
- NUH UH
- YUH UH
- ):
- i love you mostest
- ew
- HEY
- don't ew my FEELINGS
- your feelings are icky
- come here if you really want me
- ooooooh saucyyyy ;)
- perV
- shut uP
- where are you?
- nearest pub
- :0
- DRINKING???
- HOW SCANDALoUS
- be there in five ❤️
Jiwon shook his head, smiling amusedly as he opened a bottle and took a gulp, throwing back his head and growling softly at the burning feeling down his throat. It was already muddling him up, he could feel his brain cells slowly shrinking (yes that wasn't how it worked but it just FELT like that) and he sighed, sinking in his seat. He wondered if he'd just already be wasted by the time Hanbin got here. That sounded appealing, so no sad feelings would arise from him wanting to kiss Hanbin's stupid face all the time.
He needed to start actually thinking about this 'in love' business. For now, he had just been accepting it mindlessly in a state of depression but he hadn't thought about how it happened, why it was happening. Maybe it just wasn't happening at all and he was kidding himself because, was there any other good enough explanation as to why this was only happening now? Sure, he knew he was into guys. He'd wanted to kiss Hanbin before when he's looked super super hot, but that didn't make Hanbin special.
It spurred him to drink more, thinking that that would help him think more recklessly, and it did. Both of them holding hands and swinging them while they ate ice-cream and talked about dreams of debuting. Talking to Hanbin late at night about his ex-girlfriend, murmuring things that made him happy or sad while Hanbin might roll over and stroke his hair a bit, trying to make him feel better without words. Grinning at each other in every single one of the performances during the first year because they were actually doing this, they had finally done it.
Yeah, Jiwon would admit for sure that platonically, he was head over heels for Hanbin with his incredible unique flair for absolutely everything, but romantically? That was unchartered territory. Jiwon was too inexperienced, Hanbin was completely inexperienced, and Hanbin wanted the kind of wholesome love that had absolutely everything in it, all the things that dramas and books had promised him. Jiwon had been raised well. That was all he had to offer. He didn't know how to cater to emotions, or make someone feel loved.
"Drinking 'n deep thinking, huh?"
Jiwon blinked, looking up as he suddenly realised that he was slumping so low that he was about to fall off the seat and he quickly sat up, about to put his legs down so Hanbin could sit but the guy just slid in next to him, warm and comforting as he took hold of the unopened bottle, peering at it curiously. "This for me?"
"I-I mean...it can be but I didn't think you'd-"
"I wanna drink too. I wanna be your drinking buddy for once," Hanbin said, smiling at Jiwon who could only nod to signal 'go ahead'. The close proximity was warping his sense of rationality. He was literally just straight-out staring at Hanbin like a terrified cat and Hanbin slowly locked eyes with him, raising an eyebrow as he sipped from the bottle then brought it back down. "...what?"
"You're pretty," Jiwon blurted out and Hanbin clearly wasn't expecting that, his cheeks touching up with pink. He took a larger sip from the bottle next.
"Nice to know."
"You're not gonna tease me?"
"You already seem a little out of it so no. Besides, I think I'm a little flattered."
"I would find it weird."
"I'm not you," Hanbin said, tone serious but lips grinning and Jiwon had no idea what to believe. He decided to just take another gulp of the bottle and hope for the best, hoping to get so drunk so he could have a good excuse for any of the stupid things he would do tonight because oh, he wanted to do stupid things. He wanted to be so stupid that it would appall everyone he knew and ruin his reputation. And he didn't know if he imagined the mischievous glint in Hanbin's eyes but the next thing he knew, he was well on his way to drunk off his face and Hanbin was adorably tipsy, all giggly and hiccuping as Jiwon pulled him closer, grinning lazily.
"Hey, beautiful."
"Shhhhh," Hanbin laughed, pressing his finger to Jiwon's lips and the latter only licked it, making Hanbin laugh even harder. "Ewww..."
"You were asking for it," Jiwon hummed, leaning in to press his face against the crook of Hanbin's neck, breathing him in and it was such a pleasant smell that his hazy mind couldn't recognise. Maybe it was laundry. Maybe it was lemon. Hanbin's arm wound around his waist, or at least Jiwon thought it did but he couldn't really feel it, and Jiwon brushed his head up higher, looking up at Hanbin with blinking, hazed eyes. "Bin..."
Hanbin smiled gently, stroking along Jiwon's jaw with the back of his index finger. "What?"
"Are you real?"
Hanbin froze a little. "What makes you say that?"
"I...I don't know," Jiwon mumbled, looking down. He was basically in Hanbin's lap. Okay, then. "Why are you here?"
"Your mind wanted me," Hanbin joked and Jiwon smiled a little.
"Yeah, it did. But really."
Hanbin shook his head, and apparently that meant he wouldn't give an answer but Jiwon's befuddled mind was already wandering again, his arms winding around Hanbin's neck as he thought about those prepossessing eyes drawing him in. He believed, his intoxicated mind believed that Hanbin was doing it on purpose, that Hanbin wanted him to kiss him, and that was so much more than enough reason for him to lean in - until a hand on his lips stopped him, and his eyes shot open. "Wha-"
"Hyung, why are you trying to kiss me? You don't want to kiss me," Hanbin said, voice firm and Jiwon's heart sank to his stomach. He had been wrong.
"N-No, I...I do-"
"Why?"
"Bin, I'm so in love with you," Jiwon whispered so raspily that it felt painful, scrabbling for some kind of way for this to make sense but it only resulted in tears filling his eyes, especially when Hanbin had nowhere near the kind of response he wanted. His face was set, no emotion in it at all.
"Why?"
"I don't know, I just...I can't stop thinking about it. About you. It hurts. It's never been this bad before. I don't know why, Hanbin, I don't and I hate it because it makes it seem like it's not real. But it is. I know it's real everytime I look at you and fall in love again, because I know the feeling by now, it's so familiar. I know it's real because love is painful and I'm in pain, it hurts knowing that this is happening and I can't do anything because it'll ruin so much. I know it's real. I know I'm in love with you."
Then Jiwon woke up.