I watch her walk in the ballroom. The party has just moved on to the main thoroughfare which are the presentations of various projects for everyone to look forward to. I saw Ruth taking her to the powder room earlier, probably to inform her of his presence, I figured she would have done it earlier if Kristen let her.
No. Kristen was too busy with that guy. He has been hearing rumours since last year when they were still shooting their movie, he didn't believe any of it. June this year came though, it was only then that he saw the possibility of it being true. Now, there's actual proof in the flesh for him to see.
He doesn't understand what she could possibly see in that other guy. As far as he can tell, that Hoult guy is a green boy compared to him.
When he came in after that encounter with Ruth, he has decided to face his demons head on. Now, he was actually getting used to the unwelcome feeling of observing Kristen with somebody. It's like cutting yourself open slowly to see how far you can tolerate the pain. Pain becomes a welcome feeling the longer you let yourself immerse in it. It's like how he sees her laugh for somebody else's joke. She laughs easily, that's no surprise, but there's just something wrong with it when it was for that guy. That guy he likes to...
"Rob. You're gonna burn a hole through his head if you keep looking at him like that." Tom mumbled beside me. I can hear the exasperation in his voice already.
"What are you talking about? I'm listening attentively." I automatically answered. My gaze unwavering.
"Yeah...and I'll sell Marlowe to the circus if there's any truth to what you're saying" He retorted.
That caught my attention. He grinned at me when I looked at him.
"Just tell me if you couldn't take it anymore. I'll gladly take you home and buy you a year's supply of Heineken. Fuck your sanity, I'll just have to live with it." Tom said sarcastically.
After Tom told me to grin and bear it I reduced my obsession to them to surreptitious glances once in a while.
It was then I saw Ruth take her out for a talk. When she came back we were already scattered around the bigger ballroom mingling with different guests.
Well, look at what we have here, Kristen stumbled into the ballroom like a dazed puppy. There was no questioning what she knew now. Her eyes darted around the ballroom to my surprise. I quickly hid behind a large potted plant at the corner, trying to pretend I had to go and refill my champagne from the waiters at the side.
She was slowly going around, obviously searching for someone, searching for me.
Would she recognize me? Of course. I haven't changed a lot over the years look-wise, only a few close friends and family would claim the apparent hardening of my character. I see it as an advantage.
She was going around in circles, around the tables, around a group of directors, around a few of her acquaintances, ignoring them, still going, still searching, searching for a certain elusive person she hasn't seen for more than a year already.
From my vantage point, I can already see the growing distress in her face. She has managed to circulate the entire place and ended up near my corner.
My chest tightened. She wouldn't quit would she? She wouldn't quit until she sees me.
She was now a mere few steps from my place at the pillar, I managed to move a little further away to observe her clearly. She wouldn't be able to see me, her back was to me while she was trying to get a general view of the place.
She was mumbling something, she was ignoring the people who passed by to greet her, and they left her alone when they note her disinterest.
It was when the music started to quiet a bit that I can hear a part of what she was saying.
"Where are you.....where are you..." She was mumbling to herself.
I'm here behind you. Turn around I'm just here.
Will my mind be able to compel her to turn and see me? I was too tense to care now, she was so near I can feel her presence already. I wanted to grab her and...
"Nic!"
I froze and backed out a little as I hear her call out to him.
"Nic I was looking all over for you!" She told him, the relief in her face palpable as Nicholas appeared from the near doorway.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Nic's concerned voice congealed the blood in my veins.
What is this? It wasn't me then?
"I...I just need to get out of here. I need to.." Kristen gasped out, her face paling to note her discomfort.
My chest, which was tight earlier, now ached a lot.
"Okay. Calm down. I'll get you out of here" Nicholas said as he draped his arms around her and slowly walked her out of the ballroom.
I watched. I watch them leave. I watch my ruined chance desert me. I watch how she managed to take my heart again and break it without meaning to.
Damn you Kristen. Damn you for making me hate myself.