Amelia Adams
"I'm sorry Ms. Adams, due to complications you seemed to have had a miscarriage." The doctor spoke at the foot of the hospital bed, his words sounding like an echo in a long dark tunnel.
The room went dead silent and I swore I heard the sound of my heart cracking my rib cage. My throat became so tight and dry within a second and my legs suddenly felt numb. Harry's hand gripped mine hard at the doctors words, his palms wet from sweat but cold at the same time. My body swelled of a broken heart and the only thing running through my mind was the thought of a baby and how I made it go away.
I was crushed.
"W-what? But we didn't even know she was p-pregnant." Harry spoke with a voice that just screamed disappointment and hurt.
"The blood work showed that Amelia was only two weeks along. I am so sorry but due to stress, the fetus didn't have a chance of survival. It is very common for women with this early stage of pregnancy. The first eight weeks are always this fragile and it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong." The doctor explained to me but I was lost in my own thoughts, drowning him out.
I turned my head and looked at Harry to my right, he stared at the doctor like what he was speaking in a different language. His eyes that deprived of sleep were red around the rims and displayed a look of utter shock. His skin was pale and his lips were slightly parted. I realized he wasn't breathing when his chest was puffed slightly like he forgot how to exhale.
His lips moved to speak but I couldn't hear him, everything went muffled in my ears and all I heard was the sound of my own beating heart. I stared at Harry as he spoke in slow motion to the doctor, then slowly turning my head down to where Briar was asleep next to me on the bed. I felt like I forgot how to speak, breathe, cry.
I couldn't cry.
Why couldn't I cry?
I stared blankly at my legs at the end of the bed, getting lost in empty space while anyone speaking around me was just an echo I couldn't comprehend. My heart swelled of hurt like a broken record and it left me feeling numb. I felt disconnected from everyone around me and myself. My body didn't feel like my own anymore, it wasn't the same body I've had all my life. It was now something that took a life.
When two hands grabbed my face and Harry was suddenly sitting in front of me on the bed, I stared into his green eyes that were full of hurt and loss.
"Amelia listen to me." He said as my hearing was still muffled and I was lost in his tired orbs. I didn't want to listen, I didn't know how.
"This isn't your fault baby. Okay? You need to understand that." He said sternly, staring into my aching soul and dying for me to receive his words but it was nothing but backlash. This was my fault, this was my body that did this.
"We will get through this. All that matters is that you're okay." He continues while stroking my cheek with his thumb and keeping his hands on my face.
I silently stared at him, lost of words in my broken state. I wasn't crying nor really breathing - just staring at him. He analyzed my face with a worried look on his own, waiting for something that wasn't happening. My mind was spiralling down the deepest and darkest of thoughts; nothing I could say would explain how absolutely awful I felt.
"Please say something." He flicked his eyes back and forth between mine, not settling on one as he pleaded for my thoughts into words. I didn't even realize the doctor was gone now.
"How's Liam?" I asked, my quiet voice breaking the silence.
His eyebrows dropped and confusion washed over his face. He paused before answering, staring blankly at me.
"H-he's fine. He's actually here, Louis checked him in." He stammered.
"I have to go see him." I go to get up but he grabs my hips and stops me.
"No, no not right now. You need to stay in this bed." He prohibited me from leaving, his voice more stern but still quiet.
"I need to see if he's okay." I fight.
"But you're not okay!" He raised his voice, still holding my legs down so I stayed sat up and frozen on the bed. His volume made me stop resisting him, he looked frustrated. His jaw was slightly clenched and his eyes were sending me a view of demand.
"Baby you're not okay.." he repeated but this time as a soft whisper. "And it's okay to not be okay, but I'm worried for you right now. You haven't said one word regarding what the doctor just told you. Please don't keep this all in." He rubbed my legs while sitting on the side of the bed.
I stared at him for a moment as he looked so torn and broken. He seemed like he was relying on my response to know what to do next. But I wasn't giving him what he wanted; to feel, to cry. Because I couldn't really feel anything.
"Then you go check on him, and let me know how he's doing." I spoke monotone while turning towards Briar who was passed out in a tiny ball. I laid down on my side, wedging my hands between the pillow and my cheek.
I face Briar and shut my eyes, curling my knees up as my back was now to Harry.
I hear him let out a small exhale of grief, his hand patting my leg twice.
"Okay." He whispered in defeat, knowing he got up just by the way the bed lost its dip. I heard him slowly exit the room, leaving me alone with Briar in the bed.
I looked at her for a moment, staring at her tiny features as she was peacefully asleep, her cheek smushed into the mattress with her mouth hanging home. Staring at her, I couldn't help but think that I could be staring at two beautiful children one day. That Briar would have her arm around a younger sibling of her own while they both slept peacefully in a bed. But I was no longer going to have that view, that possibility was taken away from me before I even knew I had it.
And I made it disappear.
Harry Styles
I shut the door behind me, leaving Amelia and Briar in the hospital room that was nothing but dead silence and misery.
I walked down the hallway of the busy hospital, making numerous lefts and rights until it got more quiet. I didn't care where I was going, I just needed to be alone. I felt sick to my stomach, dizzy and broken. I eventually got myself to a quiet hallway where not many people were. I lean against the wall and crouched down to the floor, putting my head in my hands. I shut my eyes as I drowned myself in my awful thought about all the things I could've done to not let this happened.
Two weeks, she was only two weeks pregnant.
That was the party, the night I knew I didn't wear protection. The night I was drunk, but not that drunk to know I wasn't taking proper precautions. I had a condom in my back pocket and everything. But when I was buzzed and taking off her pants, my brain went to another place.
My intoxicated mind wanted another baby - I wanted to get her pregnant.
The alcohol was what made this decision. Because if I was sober I would have thought about it too much and realized I would be insane for secretly trying to get Amelia pregnant. All I couldn't think about in that moment was maybe we were finally safe with Salvation thinking I was dead. Her and I made an agreement a while ago when she took that pregnancy test that we will take precautions for now on, but if something slips up then it won't be the end of the world. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but that night I was.
I was stupid, I should've wore the condom because then I wouldn't have done this to her.
It was my fault, all my fault. Everything was my doing. I decided not to wear protection and risk her getting pregnant again, I was the one that put her in that situation with Liam which made her lose the baby, I was the one that caused all of this.
She hasn't cried.
She hasn't displayed one emotion since the doctor informed her that we lost a baby. I understand she's in shock, but she also Amelia. This is the same girl who balled her eyes out when a bird died and balled her eyes out when I told her to get an abortion when we found out about Briar. She cries when she's sad. And I know this made her sad, but she wasn't crying.
She was hiding her emotion, and it made me anxious because I didn't know what she was thinking. I had no clue where her mind was besides knowing it was a dark place. She pushed me away, not wanting the help I was offering to give her. Was she mad at me? I would be, that was all my fault.
I was stupid, selfish, and irresponsible; and now she won't even speak to me.
I pulled the roots of my hair and stood up again, feeling my blood temperature rise and before I knew it, my fist went right through the drywall.
I didn't realize how out of hand I was until I looked at my fist deep into the hole I created within the wall, the white dry pounder covering my wrists and fist. I unclenched my teeth and pulled my hand out of the wall, looking left and right to see if anyone saw me but no one was around. I quickly dusted my hand off and stride away from the mess.
Words couldn't describe how overwhelmed I was with all of this. I was aching with grief and it was something I didn't realize I could feel for a fetus I never met. But the thing was that I didn't see it as a fetus, I saw it as another baby that would be in Amelia's arms.
And I made it disappear.
//
the hamelia family is hurting rn :(
It's so sad that they both are blaming themselves for 'making it disappear'.