Satin
" I'm ok Céance. Really. " I said over the phone as I lay in my bed eating cereal and scanning through Netflix. I'm glad she called. I was feeling really empty right now despite what I was saying over the phone. I was so upset with Jahseh but I couldn't be mad. I understood why he did what he did but he could've went about it completely different. Maybe in a way that wouldn't embarrass me but it's whatever. It's over now.
" Satin if you need anything baby you know I'm a call away. I love you, ok? " Céance sniffled over the phone. She cried once she found out. It was so weird crying over the phone with her but it was so refreshing. She was the only girl I trusted and truly my only friend. I didn't doubt anything she said because I knew she'd do anything for me If I needed her to.
" I love you too. See you at school. " I hung up and plugged my phone on the charger. Since last night my phone had been lighting up with notifications all night. They had subsided for the most part but a few late stragglers still did what the norm was. I will say, being involved with someone as despised as Jah really puts a target on your back. He had support from all over Florida no doubt but this man catches heat. I got more negative notifications than anything. It didn't really bother me being that I knew I could thrash on any one of those clowns under any of my posts. My twitter was flooded with the most support. Twitter users typically have more sense of humanity than the bozos on Instagram.
" I've dug two graves for us my dear. " I sang plunging the last spoonful of cereal into my mouth and frowned realizing it was all gone. I didn't necessarily want to get up but I didn't want my room nasty. I didn't really want to see any faces today. I wasn't in the mood for conversation. Although I wasn't complaining, I was surprised Jahseh didn't come and exchange any words with me last night. I applauded him for that because normally he would've came and tried to sleep with me or try to apologize. I appreciated him giving me space last night and he'd see that. I listened for any sounds coming from the kitchen and got up when I decided that nobody was in there. I looked down the hallway and hurriedly stepped to the kitchen, bumping into Ski and wasting the contents of my bowl everywhere.
" Got dammit! " I pushed under my breath and tipped over the milk, placing my bowl and spoon inside the sink.
" Sorry. " Ski mumbled looking back at me. I didn't respond as I grabbed a kitchen towel and placed it on the milk, soaking it all up and throwing the towel in the washer machine.
" Satin, you ok? " he asked watching me spray the area where the milk wasted and getting the Swiffer to mop it.
" Please don't start asking me that because it's pretty fucking obviously I'm not ok. Ok? Ok. " I spat running the weird mopping device over the floor, cleaning the area quickly. I didn't plan on speaking to anybody and I was getting anxious to get back to my room.
" You should really think before you talk to people the way you do. " he said seriously which he rarely was. Ski always seemed to be carefree. Had to be an act he was putting up but he was doing a pretty good job at it. He was always happy. Always smiling and joking. It's disgusting.
I scoffed and rolled my eyes. " Don't tell me what I should do you fucking.. " I stopped not even bothering finishing. I was tired of this conversation already. I sighed irritably and removed myself from the kitchen before I put my hands on him. Going back to my room, I ran my fingers through my straightened hair and huffed. I miss him.
" Jah! " I yelled as I took a seat on my bed and waited for his arrival. He never came. Foot steps were never heard. I called for him again and got nothing. Suddenly the faint thump of drums being beat on vibrated under my feet. I headed down to the studio and the closer I got, the more aggressive the drum beating got. It wasn't actually drums though.
" Who's that on that beat? " I asked as Jah paused it seeing my reflection in the booth window. He turned towards me and looked at me boyishly. The corners of his lips were slightly turned down as he looked up with his almond shaped eyes as he mumble ' hm? '.
" The drums.. is that you? " I asked reaching over him to play it again. The air from the built in speakers around the room nearly knocked me over when the heavy metal like beat played. He let it go for a while then turned it back off.
" That's me. " he smiled slightly twisting a short, growing dread. My smiled hitched as well seeing his.
" Do you like it? " It's fucking amazing.
This man was literally a musical genius. His music could be appealing to anyone. His range was so diverse that I had no doubt that he would really make something of himself once he got the exposure he needed. I've seen him go from singing to screamo to rapping about something heartfelt to playing around on a track and riding the fuck out of the beat. He was literally a legend to be.
" It's amazing. I just don't know what to say.. you're an artist to appreciate. " I said astonished. I couldn't wait to hear the lyrics.
It was cute seeing him blush the way he did. He laughed a little still twisting a piece of his hair and looking down at the floor. He wasn't confident in himself at all. I just stood there staring him and he slowly picked his head up probably confused as to why I was just looking at him.
" I was calling your name and you didn't answer. " I said wanting to take a seat in his lap but decided against doing so.
He leaned back as if reading my mind and I just went ahead and took my seat on my second favorite chair. His arm snaked around my waist pulling me more snug against him. " What did you need? " he asked lowering his eyes in between my legs absentmindedly. I flushed red and puffed my cheeks up before releasing the air that filled them.
" I was just wanting to see where you were. Can we do something today? " I asked tilting my head as I gripped his shoulders and smiled big. He tilted his head as well and sent me the same smile.
" Something like what? " he said goofily squeezing my sides. Of course I squirmed making him hold me tighter.
" I don't know.. I wanna travel. " I shrugged. He blinked twice, looking off from me then back at me making me crack up. His expression was the funniest shit I had ever seen. His lips where poked out slightly while his eyebrows came together slightly. I playfully slapped him making him cut that ugly shit out.
" You wanna travel.. today? Satin, where you tryna go? Around the corner? " he said looking at me as if I was being ridiculous or something. My face fell flat and I attempted to get off his lap but he held me firmly in place with a stern expression. Huffing, I fumbled with his shirt not making eye contact with him.
" I want to get out of Broward for a while.. it's starting to wear on me here. " I said seriously so he wouldn't think I was just talking and that I actually meant it. Florida was taking a toll on me as of recently with it starting to get so toxic and hectic here. I just wanted to experience something new for a while and come back after a few months. Maybe even years.
" Get out of Broward and go where? You talking about moving or visiting? " he asked looking at me as if what I was saying was ridiculous. It may sound like it but I feel as if that's what I need. I need to find myself again before it's too late and I don't think I can do that here in Broward.
" Jah don't you see the change in our city? It's never been as bad as it has been lately. I don't feel safe here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. " I whined almost in tears as I sat like a large child in Jah's lap.
" Satin it doesn't really matter where you go, you'll never be safe. You can get hurt and die anywhere. Why have that happen somewhere foreign to you? " he shrugged causing me to roll my eyes. If he couldn't understand what I was saying then he was clearly stupid.
" It's about having the piece of mind. Something I don't have here. " I said smartly daring him to go against what I was saying. I honestly didn't feel like Broward held anything for me.
" We're not leaving Broward so cut that shit out. Get up. " he said dryly tapping my side so I could do so. I sucked my teeth and removed myself from his lap. I wouldn't lie and say I wasn't salty. He was completely disregarding how I felt and I for sure thought that he could at least take it into consideration. It wasn't like moving was out of our reach.
" Stupid as fuck. " I mumbled about to walk past him and go isolate myself again. He grabbed me by my forearm and pulled me into his chest.
" You're doing too much. " he said lowly and I looked down at his hand confused as to why he was holding me so tight. My heartbeat could be felt in my arm.
" I'll fuck you up Jah, let me go. " I said trying to snatch away from him but his grip only got tighter. Of course I got rowdy. I dug my nails into his wrist and aggressively pried his hand off of me following that up with a push sending him far but not far enough.
His rebuttal was as aggressive as I was with him. He jacked me up by the collar of my shirt and hemmed me up against the wall forcefully.
" You're doing too fucking much! " he yelled in my face breathing roughly as I kept a small space between us by pushing him away from me as much as I could. My head was turned to the side as I my breathing increased and I feel my face heating up.
" Better calm the fuck down and I'm not fucking around with you Satin! " he yelled again not warning a response from me. I wanted to fight him but I didn't even have the energy for it. He let me go believing that I had quit my antics.
His eyes lingered on me for a while before he turned his back on me and I fixed my shirt. " I'll go by myself then stupid bitch. " I said from behind him still glued to the wall.
" Leave and go where? With what fucking money? You're a fucking child Satin, you wouldn't know what the hell to do alone. Shut the fuck up and go to your room or something. " he waved me off and I stood there in disbelief. What child did he know of that handled shit how I did? If I was a child what the hell was he? I had so many questions right now I couldn't function.
" You know if it was the other way around I'd be behind anything you wanted to do. I wouldn't doubt you or try to discourage you. But that's ok. " I said with bruised feelings as I quickly shuffled around him back upstairs.
I could feel my eyes burning as I went to get my newly retrieved keys and threw on shoes. Going outside, the sun had just set so the sky was transforming from the bright orange shade to a more blue-purple sky. It was windy tonight for some weird reason. I got in my car and found myself at the nearest bar to me. Jazzy's.
The warm smell of different varieties of alcohol along with the putrid smell of cigarettes welcomed me at the thresh hold of the popular bar. I immediately felt eyes on me but no one was actually looking at me to my knowledge. Weird.
I saw about three empty bar stools so I gladly filled one of them. I was acknowledged by the skinny bartender in the skimpy black dress almost as soon as I took my seat.
" ID? " she asked as she stood in front of me with her hands on her hips. I blinked twice and cocked my head to the side.
" Have I ever needed ID Diana? " I asked giving her the same look she gave me and it caused her to laugh. She grabbed a shot glass and filled it with Jack Daniels, sliding it over to me. I downed it not even hissing from the burning sensation in my throat.
" I'm sorry I just hadn't seen you in so long I didn't know you were a VIP member. " she smiled sliding me another shot from the 8 that she poured for me. I smiled sucking down the shot nodding my head.
" I quit drinking for a little.. kinda. " I gestured for the next shot as I prepared for the endless questions she was about to ask me.
" Mhm sure. You're downing these like water, why? " she asked taking cash from guys sitting around us. People came and went as I talked to her about a few small things. I would never tell her anything that would allow her to intrude on my business.
" Yea well a lot of times when you and someone aren't seeing eye to eye all the time it's because they have something against your way of thinking. " she said shrugging as I vented about me and Ski's bickering that has been going on for years beyond years. Him and I have never really gotten along. We've always been the siblings that were at each other's throats and constantly getting pulled apart by our parents so we wouldn't kill each other. We loved each other for sure but just never agreed on anything.
" What if it's me with something against his way of thinking? " I asked very at ease from the smooth shots that I'd devoured easily. The seat beside me scratched the floor as someone sat there and eyed me momentarily.
" If you want a better relationship with your brother I can only suggest you try to understand him better. " she said and tended to the customer beside me. I fished lazily through my pocket for $40 to give to her.
" I want another round. " I slurred and she side eyed me pushing the money back to me but still pouring my shots.
" How'd you get here? " she asked wiping her hands on the towel that lay on her shoulder. I hiccuped and sighed looking at her with low eyes.
" I drove my whip, duh. " I shook my head and tossed back two shots back to back. " I'm gonna stay until I'm sober though. Can't wreck mah beby " I lied wiping the corner of my mouth with my thumb. I could see the slim guy staring over at me periodically so shooting him a nasty look seemed fitting.
" I wish I could get my fucking face back. " I said loudly rolling my eyes at him. There was nothing over here that concerned him. He laughed huskily and sipped from his cup.
" You look a little young to be in here buying rounds but you can really tell your age by your attitude. " he said never looking at me, only ahead of himself. Please shut the fuck up sir.
" Attitude and age have no correlation. With little respect at all, shut the fuck up and enjoy your drink while I enjoy mine. " I spat surprised I spoke clearly with no slurring. I laughed to myself and he did the same.
" Will do young lady. " he said and I peeped the grim smile on his face. I rolled my eyes again and finished my shots. I was done now as I looked around to make sure Diana wasn't seeing me sneak out of here and when I saw she wasn't around I quickly but not easily walked to the back exit. I had to make a quick bathroom stop.
After relieving myself, I hit it outside and the heavy back door slammed shut as I navigated like a drunkard through the dark alley to the front. I jumped as I heard the back door shut again and I looked behind me cautiously. I shrugged and turned back around keeping in mind the small pocket knife I held in the pouch of my hoodie. I shoved my hands inside and rubbed my fingers over it's cool surface. I'm drunk but I'll fuck you up.
I continued down what seemed like the longest alley known to man. When I heard soft scuffling behind me I stopped abruptly, whipping the knife out and releasing blade from its covering. I stood still for a second just listening and it was quiet. My breathing had slowed down as I tried to remain calm so if anything were to happen I'd be in complete control. No one was catching me slipping today. The soft scuffling sounded again closer to me and I turned around immediately being hooked in my jaw, loosing my blade. I didn't have time to recoil before I was grabbed around my throat and slammed into the brick exterior of the bar. I yelped out in pain as what felt like a lighting bolt had rushed up my spine.
" Smart mouth bitches like you should be put in their place. " the weird guy from inside the bar said gruffly in my ear as I had my hands wrapped around his wrist. He was squeezing my neck so tight I could feel myself getting light headed. I took one hand away and grabbed him by his neck, digging my thumb into the middle of his throat making sure to have a firm grip at the back of his neck. He drew back and punched me earning blows to his face back. His grip was loosening as he tried to stop my tiny but rock hard fists. I was fighting him off with ease but when he leant down and scooped me up, slamming me on the ground my entire body shook with a viscous, biting pain. He grabbed me by my hair and the side of my hoodie, flipping me over on my stomach.
" Get the fuck off me you fucking bitch. " I yelled on the brink of tears not wanting to endure what I figured he was about to do again. He navigated my head into the gravel by my hair causing me to wince from the tiny rocks digging into my cheek.
" Shut the hell up bitch. " he barked and aggressively tried to force my leggings below my knees but with all the jerking and thrashing I was doing he was struggling.
" You get your rocks off by doing this to the underage you sick fuck! " I screamed crying trying force myself off the ground but to no avail. He had his knees in the back of mine and my torn leggings were of no use anymore. I cried louder when he ripped my underwear off, balling them up and shoving them in my mouth. I gagged as he held his hand over my mouth and he had soon roughly forced himself onto me, slamming himself into me with aggressive force. He groaned as I screamed petrified at the familiar burning sensation in my lower region. This went on for 15 minutes when he had finished what he had started he stood up and spat on me. I could only cry as I couldn't believe this was happening to me again. My legs couldn't move. My throat was raw from trying to scream with fucking panties in my mouth. I felt like I was dying and I was running from it.
My attacker searched around for something and when he saw what he was looking for he chuckled and picked it up. Coming back to me, he flipped me over, raised me up by my hoodie and stared at me for a long time. My vision was so distorted I couldn't see him in this moment but I would never forget his face. I would never forget his close to black eyes or the deep wrinkles in his forehead. I would never forget his light brown lips or even his cinnamon brown complexion. I'd never forget the freckles scattered across his nose or his voice or his thick eyebrows or his slim figure. I certainly wouldn't forget the distorted picture of his facial expression as he plunged my pocket knife into my stomach, shoving it deeper inside my guts and twisting it. I chocked on the air I sucked in looking down at the contact between me and the knife. I reached for the area but when he released me I only fell backwards and shook softly. I blinked slowly trying to hang on to what was left of me. It wasn't my time. I still had lessons to learn. I couldn't leave yet. I had to hang on to what was slowly slipping away.
" Jahseh. " I croaked only wishing he would appear like my knight in shining armor or something. He wouldn't come. He wouldn't be expecting for anything to be wrong with me. He was probably home still upset about our exchange and thinking of ways to upset me. He probably didn't even realize I had left but I just needed him here.
" Jahseh please. " I cried reaching for the knife again gripping it.
" Jahseh. "
Jahseh
Satin still wasn't back from wherever she ran off too and I couldn't help but feel bad. I hoped she was ok but with a negative mind such as mine I was almost sure something was wrong. So here I was riding around trying to find her so I could make sure she was ok and bring her back to me. The emptiness and guilt I felt when she left was none other than apparent and it only got worse with every hour that passed that she wasn't in my range. I just hoped she was ok and not out doing something on impulse. I knew how she was. When I spotted the shiny black Infinity in the parking lot of Jazzy's I knew it was hers. She was the only person in Broward county with a black Infinity with black rims and black trim. It was the darkest car I'd ever seen in my life. I parked right beside her and made my way to the entrance. The warm smell of different varieties of alcohol along with the delightful smell of cigarettes hit me when I stepped inside. I scanned around the bar carefully not seeing a single trace of Satin. I would've seen the fluffy ponytail of hers from a mile away. She wasn't here. My face screwed as I turned around and walked back outside, almost being knocked over by some random nigga walking on the curb. He looked back at me with a mug and I returned it, not feeling the need to push up on his weird ass being I had more important stuff to tend to. I stood at the front of the building, looking around out into the parking lot looking for my Satin.
" Jahseh. " I jumped hearing the soft calling of my name. My heart almost broke out my chest when I heard it. I stepped forward trying to see where it came from.
" Jahseh please. " I heard her voice crack as she cried and I took off towards the alley where I heard it.
" Jahseh. " I saw her laying on the ground half exposed with her hand reaching for something. No.
" Satin! " I bolted towards her and dropped down on my knees already feeling her pain. Her face had a mixture of tears and smeared blood on it as well as tons of small bits of rocks and dirt.
" Jahseh help me. " she choked as I took my jacket off quickly wrapping it over her exposed self. I scooped her up carefully trying not to cry just at the sight of her. She was particularly heavy as I hurriedly carried her to my car.
" Come on baby, stay up for me. " I sniffled opening the passenger door and placing her in slowly. I readjusted the seat as she cried and closed the door. Sliding across my hood to my side, I jumped in and zigzagged out the parking lot going straight to the hospital. I didn't exactly like these places but I wanted her to be okay. She was crying like a baby and it was literally breaking my heart. I looked over at her periodically, gripping the steering wheel tighter and flooring it the whole way to the hospital.
" Keep them eyes open for me baby, don't go to sleep. " I said shakily reaching over and patting her cheek. She was fading in and out and when we made it to the hospital I didn't even turn the car off before I rushed to her side to scoop her out. I kissed her cheek rushing her inside seeing her eyes flutter at the bright lights.
" Please get a doctor! " I yelled out and the receptionist pressed some button on her desk causing two nurses and a gurney to be rushed from a set of double doors. The guy nurse grabbed Satin from me and practically threw her on the gurney. I shoved him feeling tears all over my face.
" Be careful with her you fucking prick! Don't toss her like that! " I cried angrily being yanked by a security guard.
" Get the fuck away from me! Be careful with her! " I yelled trying to get the large security off me as Satin disappeared behind the double doors.
" You need to calm down or you will be detained. " the guard said and I shoved him off me, moving away.
I didn't know what to do or how to feel. Why was this happening to her? Satin was a fucked up person but she never did anything to deserve shit like this. Being raped and stabbed and beat on countless amounts of times seemed more like my karma. I was starting to feel like this was my karma. Seeing someone I loved and cherished receiving all the pain I inflicted on others loved one was karma for me. Sure I hadn't actually raped anyone but it's not a topic I've particularly been sensitive to.
I waited for hours for word on Satin when finally at 11:36 a doctor came out looking directly at me. I couldn't read his expression so I didn't know what to expect.
" Relative of Satin Goulbourne? "