When Ali arrives at the airbase her heart is racing. Her hands tremble with nerves as her head whips from left to right. She remembered the base from a few months back, but it felt different now. Nervously she chews at her lip and the familiar sickening feeling deep in the pit of her stomach returns. She brings the car to a halt and glances at herself nervously in the rear view mirror.
Stepping from the car Ali adjusts the wide brim hat on her head and smooths out the wrinkles from her navy blue and white polkadot dress. She makes a start towards the old dormitory building where Jack used to be. Her heeled shoes crunched over the stiff grass, a sign there'd been no rain for several long days. The hot summers sun was relentless and it glared hard and bright overhead. Ali removed her dainty white gloves and tucked them neatly into her purse as she teetered across the grass and slipped between the narrow dormitory buildings, desperately trying to keep to the shade.
After a few minutes Ali arrived at the building she remembered to be Jack's dormitory. The sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach had returned and Ali found herself hesitating in the doorway. Ali clasped her hand around the door handle but then let go almost immediately. Taking several quick deep breaths, Ali spun on her heels turning away from the door then turning back to it and gripping the handle once more.
"Come on Ali," she whispers forcibly to herself. "You can do this," as if by assurance Ali felt the baby kick and she felt the corner of her mouth twitch up into a faint smile.
Just as she moved to pull open the door, the door swung open by its own accord. Ali quickly sidestepped out of the way as several soldiers bustled out, completely unaware of her presence. Alis eyes were wide and hopeful as she desperately searched their faces. She knew it was in vain but her heart sank deeply when she didn't see him. He wasn't there.
She stared after the men longingly for a few long seconds, her hand resting casually on the door handle to the building. Her mind was deep in thought and so when she heard her name called out Ali didn't expect it.
"Ali,"
The voice was closer now. She moved from the doorway and out onto the grassy space laid out before the building. She searched for the voice, shielding her eyes from the blazing sun.
It was at that moment a small framed woman with dark hair emerged from between another building. Her hair was pinned in a bun underneath a light coloured wide brim hat and she wore a white dress with pink and red floral embellishment.
Erica.
Ali knew her face immediately. She'd only witnessed her from afar but her dainty features were easily recognised and her beauty was even more striking than Ali wanted to admit. As Erica came closer, Ali noted the dark heavy set circles under her eyes and the slightly bloodshot tinge to the whites of her eyes.
Erica hesitated as she came to a halt about three meters away from Ali.
"You're her aren't you, you're Erica?" Ali says alreading knowing the answer.
Erica nods slowly. "I know I'm the last person you'd want to talk to right now but if you'd let me I'd like to explain everything to you,"
There was an intense sadness to her voice and Ali couldn't help feel sorry for the broken woman in front of her. Ali found herself nodding and in a silent agreement she followed Erica away from the dormitories.
Neither of them spoke for a long time. Erica was in front and Ali followed behind her, drinking in her figure and appearance. Ali hated this woman, she did. She was the one who had ruined her relationship with Jack. She was the one Ali had cried about for weeks on end. She was the one she pictured laying in Jack's arms, the images had taunted her endlessly and drove her to despair.
Ali hated her...
...and yet, when Erica turned her head to make sure Ali was still following, the small defeated smile she offered melted Ali to the core.
Ali mentally scolded herself. All the months she'd spent loathing this woman, all the time wasted thinking about them together. She couldn't crack now, Ali wanted Erica to know how much suffering she'd caused. In fact, no she didn't, Ali wanted Erica to see how amazing her life had become. Sure Erica might now have Jack but Ali had an amazingly kind and caring husband, a fabulous house, a great job, a loving family- all be it slightly crazy and of course a beautiful baby on the way. Ali smirked smuggly but then cringed at her superficial thoughts.
The bottom line was Erica had hurt Ali and in all these months Ali had never truly gotten over that.
"You hurt me," Ali blurts.
The words cut through the air quick and sharp and Erica stopped walking. Holding her breath she turns to face Ali.
"I know I did," she nods "There's nothing I can say to you that will make you forgive me or forget but..."she hesitates then gestures to the old wooden bench beside them.
"... Will you sit?" Erica asks quietly.
Ali says nothing but takes a seat beside Erica and waits for her to continue.
There was a long awkward silence between them. Erica opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again.
Nothing.
"Well aren't you going to say something?" Ali breaks the silence.
"I err...I never expected you to actually sit," Erica half smiles.
A laugh escapes Ali and Erica let's out a nervous laugh too. The tension around them easing slightly.
"Why don't you just start from the beginning and I'll just listen I guess," Ali says evenly.
"Alright," Erica inhales deeply "Alright,"
"It was in the autumn last year when I first met him, Jack," Erica began "He'd just finished his mile and a half run and had twisted his ankle,"
"He was funny," Erica smiles at the memory "He kept muddling up his words and I remember thinking how... sweet he was," she sighs. "He got leave after that, he just needed to rest-"
"I remember," Ali says flatly "He had a week at home and it was great, better than ever really," she thinks back to the party in the village hall and their first night together in the woodcutters cottage.
"I know he thought so too," Erica reassures "When I saw him again, it was at a pub just after he'd returned from leave. He was missing you terribly. I was about to walk home but he offered to walk me back to base,"
Ali nods slowly and knowingly "Typical Jack,"
"He was, is, a kind man," Erica corrects herself.
Alis heart lurches but she waves Erica to continue.
"He was an enigma. A complete mystery to me. I saw him as this wonderful man, funny, beautiful, kind... But I knew he had you and I knew how much he cared for you,"
Ali bit her lip, words of hate just inches from spewing out. She squeezed her eyes shut and waited for Erica to proceed.
"I'd see him around the base and I'd long for him to look at me, to talk to me, to... anything but he never did. He hardly noticed me, until New Year,"
Ali's stomach flipped.
"I won't go into details... You have probably imagined the worst over the last few months-"
"Worse than the worst," Ali nods "I knew Jack was capable of a lot of things but never did I think he was capable of that," Ali whimpers.
Erica wears a strange expression on her face. Her eyes gloss over with tears and a shakey breath escapes her lips. She holds her head in her hands, an inner turmoil ensues "He wasn't," she wails.
Erica's voice is mumbled and crackly and Ali struggles to hear her "What?"
"Don't hate me! Please," Erica is crying now, fat ugly tears soak her cheeks as she paws at Ali in desperation. "I don't want to lie anymore, I'm sorry,"
Ali recoils in disgust and stands abruptly "You tell me everything!" the anger and the hate, everything she'd surpressed over the last few months comes charging back.
The party was already in full swing by the time they arrived. Erica and the other nurses made their way into the hall where the lively jazz music engulfed their senses. Erica scanned the room excitedly. Towards the back of the room she saw him. Jack was talking idly to that other pilot. He noticed her and when their eyes met Erica offered him a small wave. Jack turned away and Erica felt her heart sink, embarrassment flooded her cheeks and she turned on her heels and hurried away from the group.
"Ummph," a body slams against her "Oh sorry-"
"-Jack?" she's surprised.
"Erica?" He takes a step back from her and awkwardly rubs the back of his neck when he see's that he's caused her to spill her drink over her.
"I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going," he stutters.
Erica shakes her head as she brushes the excess liquid off her dress, shaking her hands "Yeah you looked like you were in a pretty bad hurry," the cold wet of the drinks spreads across the fabric of her white dress sending a shiver throughout her body.
Jack reaches for a napkin from a nearby table and offers it towards her.
"Here," he gently dabs the white material of her dress before softly dabbing the side of her face.
"Thanks," she whispers once she's more dry. His touch sends a tingle down her back.
Jack rocks awkwardly on his heels, his hands buried into his front pockets "I'm sorry I've ruined your dress. How can I make it up to you?"
Erica purses her lips and thinks for a moment "You could start by asking me to dance?" she's shocked by her own boldness but knew if she didn't take the chance now, she'd never come by another.
Jacks eyes widen "Would you like to dance Miss Lennox?" he smiles politely. She takes his hand and he leads her through the crowd towards the dance floor.
Pulling her close he can feel the damp material of her dress pressed against him. Their bodies are close as they sway in time with the music and she rests her head against his chest. She lifts her head to look up at him as they continue to sway. He pushes her back gently and she twirls as she holds his hand above her head. Her white dress and long dark hair swishes around her and hugs her body close as she pivots in quick circles.
"Ten... Nine...Eight...Seven," The crowd starts to countdown to the New Year.
Erica continues to spin happily as she hold his hand. Erica can feel Jack's eyes on her.
"Six...Five...Four...Three,"
Jack puts his other hand out and catches Erica, halting her spinning. Her brown hair rolls down her shoulder in unruly waves and her blue-green eyes are dark as they look up at him. He pulls her towards him, one arm around her waist as she steps closer.
"Two...One...Happy New Year!" The crowd cheer.
Her arms snake around his neck as his lips crash onto hers. She reaches up onto her tip toes and rakes a heavy hand through his tousled blonde hair as his lips dance against hers. His other hand digs into her hip sending a deep sultry feeling to the pit of her stomach.
She pulls back suddenly breathless "Happy New Year Jack,"
"Happy New Year Erica-" he mumbles quickly before leaning back down and hungrily reconnecting their lips.
His mouth was hot and lazy against hers. She knew he was drunk, she could taste the whiskey on his breath but she didn't care. Pulling him by his shirt she lead him out of the big hall and out into the frosty night air. Their breath fogged up around them as Jack slurred to her.
"Where are we going?"
Ericas eyes were black with lust "This way," she started to run through the darkness. Jack fumbled after her, his feet loud and heavy on the snowy gravel.
When they reached her room. The heat was a welcomed relief from the bitter cold of outside. Slamming the door behind them, Erica turned to face Jack. She reached onto her tip toes and pressed her rouged lips to his. He kissed her deep and hard but then pulled back.
"Ali," he mumbled "I can't-"
"Shh," Erica pressed her finger to Jack's lips. She then trailed her finger down from his lips, to his chin, down his neck and down his chest. She stopped only to undo the buttons of his shirt. Jack did nothing, he was still, his breathing ragged. Erica pushed the shirt from his shoulders and then gently raked her nails down the soft skin of his chest. He was hot to touch and his skin had a thin sheen of sweat. She pushed him back and he fell onto the bed. She leaned over him and reconnected their lips. He reached up and gripped a strong hand around the back of her neck pulling her in deeper.
"Wait," she pulled back and winked at him before hurrying into the bathroom "Wait,"
Jack flopped back against the pillows in exasperation. In the bathroom Erica repowdered her face and sprayed herself with her favourite fruity fragrance. She splashed water over her skin to wash away the sweat from running and she reapplied her red lipstick. At the last moment she slipped out of the white, stained dress and let it fall into a pool around her feet. Staring at her reflection in the mirror, her breasts looked round and full in her white lacey undergarments.
She took a deep breath in and swung open the door whilst holding one hand on her hip. "Are you ready-" she started to say seductively, but when she looked across the room Jack was face down in the pillow. Deep heavy snores escaped him and his hand drooped lazily off the bed, caressing the floor. Erica's face fell as she went back into the bathroom and stared defeated into the mirror. Tears pooled in her eyes and embarrassment consumed her. Angered, she wiped the back of her hand across her lips, smearing a deep red across her face. From inside the bathroom, she could hear Jack's deep breathing and she sighed dejected.
"He never slept with you did he?" Ali doesn't believe the words she is saying.
Erica shakes her head.
Ali stands in anger, she paces away from Erica but Erica stands and follows after her grabbing her wrist.
"Please Ali, I'm sorry, please-"
"You're a liar! You lied to him, you let him believe that he'd done that. And not only that, you let him tell me that... He believed you," Ali's facade cracks and a tear falls down her face.
"I didn't mean for it to get this out of control," Erica whimpers.
"But it did!" Ali screams, the sudden increase in volume startles both of the women.
"I know and I'm a fool... I thought that if he thought we'd slept together then he'd change his mind about me and give us a chance but it didn't work-"
"No because he loved me! Don't you understand that!" Ali practically spits.
"I know that now, I tried to ignore it before,"
"So you created the baby as a lie, to trap him? You knew he'd never back out of that,"
Erica shakes her head "Not exactly," she wipes the tears from her cheeks "The baby was real, it just wasn't his. A week or so after New Year there was a different man but he didn't care about the baby and when I saw Jack that day the lie just got blurted out. I didn't plan to lie, I just did and I couldn't stop. The more he believed, the more invested I could feel him becoming and all I wanted was to be loved by him-" Erica cries.
Ali grits her teeth, she wants to cry, to let it all out. It's hurting- it hurts now more than it ever did. The old wounds have been torn open and the injury is worse than before. The pain is real and Ali can't stop the tears from spilling out.
"I just wanted to have a family. I wanted him to look at me like he looked at you, I wanted him to love me and my baby. I didn't want to be alone,"
Ali rubs her bump and turns away from Erica as she continues to speak.
"When he told me you'd married James I thought things would get better. I thought he'd allow himself to love me... And the guilt I was feeling, I thought that would go. There were so many times I wanted to tell him, I nearly did but-"
"You never did," Ali shakes her head. "And because of you my baby will never know their father," the words leave her lips before she can stop them.
"What? I thought... Your husband?"
Ali shakes her head "The baby is Jack's, my husband knows this but he doesn't care. He loves us both. But you, you stole my future from me, you did that,"
"I know and I'll hate myself for as long as I live. I... I lost the baby, my baby," Erica is crying again now.
The sudden anger Ali felt washed away from her and her knitted brow softened. No words come to her.
"She came too early," Erica explains "Jack was with me when she died, I know she wasn't his daughter but he believed she was and when she died I think it was too much for him. He'd lost you and he'd lost the reason he'd lost you... That's why he left. He got in his plane and he hasn't come back," Erica cries.
She slumps down onto the bench and cries. Just cries. Her grief is real and Ali cradles her own bump as she watches the broken woman before her.
Ali slowly walks towards Erica and sits beside her. She says nothing but touches a gentle hand to Erica's shoulder.
"It's my fault," she cries "Losing the baby was my comeuppance for ruining your life, for all the lies I told,"
Ali shudders at the thought "I don't believe that,"
Erica shakes her head "What I did to you and Jack was so wrong. This is my punishment, I know it is,"
Ali squeezes her shoulder "What you did was wrong, you hurt us both but you listen to me... Losing your little one was nobody's fault, nobody's,"
"Why are you being nice to me? I don't deserve it,"
Ali bites her lip "I dont know your life story Erica but you seem to have very few people who truly care about you. I was lucky enough to have Jack and I'm still lucky enough to have James. I know this baby would have made you happy and I'm sorry... I'm sorry that's gone now. I truly am,"
Erica shudders and pulls Ali towards her. Erica wraps her arms around Ali and cries against her shoulder.
"I don't deserve your forgiveness but-"
"No you don't," Ali starts, but stops and hugs Erica back "But I do forgive you... And I think you need to learn to forgive yourself,"
The two of them stay in this embrace. Erica softly sobbing into Ali's shoulder and Ali left in a frenzy as thoughts of Jack whiz around her mind. She had come to Uxbridge for answers, but never in her mind did she imagine that these would be the answers she found...