[Please note that I ask a lot of questions throughout the review, you by no means have to answer them, they are simply to get you thinking more in-depth about your character. Enjoy!]
My character is an original; Is not apart of any fandoms.
[Righto, due to the lack of an overview, I'm going to assume this is set in the real world, in 2018.]
Full name: Damitri James Jackson
[I love the name Dimitri, the name Damitri... that 'a' instead of the 'i' is messing me up so much. I know how to say the name but because I see that 'a' it's coming out as 'damn-it-ree'. I wonder if I'm the only one who has that problem.
Although I really like James Jackson though, that's very swanky.]
Gender: Male
Height: 6'3
[I don't know his frame, so he should weigh around 176 – 216 lbs.]
Age: 19
[Does he have a job?]
Sexuality: Bisexual
Species: Human
Appearance: Waist length, black hair a(dyed, natural is dark brown,) very pale skin, usually is wearing black jeans, high black platform boots, and a redish-purple tank top.
[Aight, Manson, calm down lass. When and why did he dye his hair? Why is he so pale? When did he start dressing like that? What do others think of his appearance? Bet he gets some right looks from the older folk. Is he 6'3" with the platforms? Because if he ain't Jesus Lord, and he's 6'3" without the platforms, can you imagine him walking up to you in the dark? 2 spooky 4 me.]
He also has an upside down star on the side of his neck and another tattoo that is multiple line crossing on is left arm.
[When did he have them done? What do they mean? Currently, they seem to just have been added to make him appear 'badass' if you will, change my mind.]
Personality: He is a determined, loud guy who likes to be bossy.
[My hope for a paragraph personality just threw itself out the window, eh at least the three traits you gave me have potential.
Determined, okay. Why? Why is he determined? Is he trying to impress someone?
Loud guy. So, he'll be loud in volume I assume, probably has the loudest laugh in the room. I imagine he'd be over-opinionated, intimidating, {I mean obviously, he's a 6'3" ghost essentially.} It'd probably be very easy to see how he's feeling because his expressions would be bigger, louder almost.
Bossy, aight. So, does he like to be in control? Likes to be the leader even if he ain't. Is he always bossy? In a relationship being bossy can be the kiss of death.
You need to expand his personality. I can't help much we things further down the review because of the lack of personality.]
Hobbies: Singing/Screaming
[Screaming is hard to get right, and a bit risky to learn to be honest you gotta get the right tone and volume on your scream else you're going to hurt yourself, or at least that's what I remember from GCSE music. How long did it take for him to get his technique correct? Is his technique even right at his current age?]
and hanging out with his friends.
[That's dead boring, you can do better than that. He seems like he'll have a weird hobby, something you wouldn't expect him to be into, I don't know, something like embroidery or yoga. You can still keep 'hanging out with his friends' I just feel like he needs something else.]
Weaknesses: School. (He doesn't like doing homework or schoolwork.)
[You've goofed here. He's 19 and you said he's graduated school in his backstory. So yeh, a school shouldn't be his weaknesses, and if anything, it'll be a dislike, but he ain't in school anymore so it shouldn't be there anyway. I want the weaknesses to link back to his personality. You said he's bossy that's one that you could expand into a weakness, same with intimidating.]
Powers: None.
[Fair enough]
Fears: Losing his family and friends.
[Give me something that links more specifically to him, the 'losing his family and friends' is generic. I feel like I don't know him enough to give you any suggestions on possible fears.]
Relationships: He is dating a girl named Lucy, which he does not like very much anymore as she bullies everyone but him.
[So, leave her? Why hasn't he left her? Is he not bossy with her? How did they get together? How long have they been together? The 'bullies everyone but him' is dull, it's very fitted to them being in a school situation which is the problem because you said he graduated.]
He has a crush on his one friend, Xavier.
[At the moment Lucy and Xavier don't feel like people, they feel like empty husks at are only there to prove that Damitri is bisexual. Neither have a 'real' relationship, I have no idea how Damitri would interact with them. You need to write about how Damitri interacts with each person, as well as about a sentence just overviewing each person's personality so I can get a hold on how they would interact.
Why does he have a crush on Xavier? What interests him about him? {guessing Xavier is a lad, I know Xavier is primarily a boy's name, but you never know might be a girl called Xavier.} Is Damitri awkward around Xavier because of his crush? Fair enough saying he's dating and has a crush but give me how they interact.]
Him and his family, (Parents and sister,) get along well but still have conflicts. They aren't perfect in any means.
[Needs expanding, give them names and each person in his family a separate relationship, don't just group them up into one.]
He has a ton of friends but wouldn't consider himself popular.
[How did he gain all these friends? Are they all friends from his school, from his workplace, strangers he met on the street, people how he met at concerts? Why doesn't be considered himself popular? Are only certain types of people his friend? For example, outgoing people, or people who enjoy metal music.]
Backstory: He lived in North Carolina from 0-8 years old but moved to Florida.
[Why did they move?]
He had no friends before he moved and even after he did, he didn't meet his friend, Ian, until 7th grade.
[Why didn't he have any friends? Why wasn't his friend Ian mentioned under relationships, he seemed to be Damitri's first friend, why didn't he get mentioned.]
Eventually, from there, he continued to become friends with people up until 11th grade.
[How?]
During school, he formed a metal band called Kill, Sing in 11th grade.
[I'd put that as 'Kill, Sing' with the little high commas around the name, just to confirm what the band's name is, I'm not sure if it's 'Kill, Sing' or 'Kill, Sing in 11th grade.' The latter gives me a wee' Panic! Vibe. Does his band do covers, their own songs? What position in the band is Damitri?]
Later, he graduated school and with the help of his parents, moved into a small house with his band.
[Does he not work? How does he get his money? Where do Lucy and Xavier come in? What happened with Ian, he's never mentioned again. Does his band put music on YouTube or other social media, have they had any public performances yet? What was the feedback?]
Now let's get down to business...
Pros
· The three personality traits you have me have good potential to be expanded on.
· I think the addition of screaming as well as just singing is interesting, if done incorrectly it can lead to health issues.
· Really into that middle and last name.
· I'm struggling a bit for pros here...
Cons
· The name seems to be unusually fitting from someone that's into metal, if his parents were into metal and his sister had an equally 'metal-ly' name, then sure go for it, but I don't know anything about her family hence why it's under cons. Plus... 'damn-it-ree.'
· Lacking reason behind his appearance, hair, skin, tattoos, fashion.
· Lacking personality. Expand on the traits you've already got.
· Weakness has no emotional effect on him and that doesn't make sense, a fear that is very generic, and hobbies that could do we a wee' bit some expanding.
· Relationships desperately need expanding on, we need to know how those two people interact with one another. His relationship with Lucy needs looking at again, why does she bully everyone? Why are they still together if Damitri doesn't like her bullying? We really need to know more about Xavier and Damitri's relationship. Xavier came out the blue, had the spotlight for one sentence and doesn't come up again, Xavier is making Damitri question his sexuality {assuming Xavier is a lad.} you would think because of that Xavier would appear in more than one measly sentence.
·Backstory is lacking in reasons, it's generic and frankly boring, it didn't interest me at all, it's lacking in a driving force behind it, it just seems to be lazily rolling on, using time skips as a device to push time forward without having to properly explain what happened in the skipped years. It needs work and quite a bit of it.
Possible Improvements/Changes...
Reasons, reasons, reasons. I need reasons, for him dying his hair, why he's so dreadfully pain, the reasoning behind the tattoos, why he started to dress the way he does. Why is he still with Lucy, why does he have a crush on Xavier, why is he so popular ["I'm not popular" Damitri corrects.] Why did he move to Florida, where did his love for metal music come from? There're just a few things that need reasons behind them.
Needs a legit weakness I am refusing to accept 'school' as a weakness when he's no longer in it. I'd suggest adding another more unexpected hobby for him, as well as another fear that is more specific to him.
Expand that personality, expand those hobbies, expand those relationships with others, expand that backstory, fill the gaps, maybe give Damitri something to work towards, an end goal.
I'm struggling to give you meaningful suggestions here because you've given me so little to go off.
[These are just suggestions, you by no means have to do any of these.]
Mary Sue?
If 0 - 50 meant your OC wasn't a Mary Sue and 51 - 100 meant it was. Damitri would be lurking in the 51 – 60 range, I'd say he was sitting on the fence with one long leg touching the Mary Sue land.
If you fleshed him out more, added reasons for the above things, and expanded things like the personality and relationships. I think that should get that leg off the Mary Sue land, sure I'd imagine after you did those things he'll still be on the fence, but at least then with more information, someone can give you the right suggestions to get him on safe ground.
Marks & Grades
Originality - 3 -
Overall Grade - F -
'You want to know what Zeus said to Narcissus? You better watch yourself.' - Marilyn Manson, Deep Six.
[Thank you to @WeirdPerson155 for submitting Mr Damn-it-ree James Jackson, it's been a pleasure reviewing him and his Rapunzel-like hair!]
If you have any questions or queries about this review or require any help with this or any future OC just drop me a message, I'd be happy to help any way I can.]
×Isaac×