Dark space
I'm slipping into dangerous ways?
Looking for a familiar face
Not too far from home
And it's all
It's all, oh, too much
When you can't see the shiny under the rust
So you hide away, sheltered from the rain
And I've been getting tired of these letters
I see you writing on the walls
And I've been walking though my own disaster
Thinking it's time to move on
I don't wanna run from a bullet
Gotta leave my candlelight burning
If it goes out, I will lose it
Gotta let my candlelight burn, burn, burn
I feel something pulling
Gotta leave my candlelight burning
If it goes out, I will lose it
Gotta let my candlelight burn, burn, burn, burn
Here I lay
In my bed with everything I hate
Dreaming of a distant place
But I'm half way gone
Do you love or do you cry?
Do you give up or do you try?
Do you live a lie or live a life?
Oh my, oh my/ who am I?
And I've been getting tired of these letters
I see you writing on the walls
And I've been walking though my own disaster
Thinking it's time to move on
I don't wanna run from a bullet
Gotta leave my candlelight burning
If it goes out, I will lose it
Gotta let my candlelight burn, burn, burn
I feel something pulling
Gotta leave my candlelight burning
If it goes out, I will lose it
Gotta let my candlelight burn, burn, burn, burn
Bullet
Ooh-ooh, yeah
Burning
Lose it
Burn, burn, burn (bullet)
Yeah (burning)
Lose it (mm-hmm)
Burn, burn, burn, burn
Amber's P.O.V.
I woke up this morning still wrapped in Xiamarion's arms. He was holding onto me so tight, like I was gonna leave him or something. I told him that I had to use the bathroom and he let me get up. After I handled my business, I checked on Xiamara. She was still sleeping. I know she was confused and scared because she didn't know what was going on. I just didn't want her to be around all of this drama.
I honestly don't feel like being bothered with anyone today. I just need to be left alone for while so I can at least try to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. I don't walk around being sad. Xiamarion was actually supposed to be at the airport right now because he had to perform at a basketball halftime show, he canceled to stay home with me and make sure I was okay. We had turned our phones off too because everybody and their damn mama was blowing us up.
We didn't even get to open any of our gifts at the baby shower since that whole catastrophe happened, so that's what I'm gonna do today. I went back into the room and got in the bed, grabbing the tv remote. As I was watching my show on Netflix, I started getting hungry. I didn't feel like getting up and I was really craving breakfast from McDonald's.
"Baby." I tapped Xiamarion tryna wake him up. He was still knocked tf out, so I hit him in his chest hard asf.
"Man wtf! What you hitting me for?"
"My bad babe. I'm just hungry. I want you to go get us some food." I rubbed my stomach giving him puppy eyes.
"You get on my damn nerves Amb! I can't even sleep in peace!"
"Stop yelling at me nigga. And it's not me, it's the baby. I was just sitting here watching tv and minding my business."
"What you want, man?"
"Hmmm...."
"Hurry up before I change my mind now."
"Shut yo crybaby ass up. You put this baby in me, so you gon suffer the consequences. You gon do whatever tf I say until I drop this little girl. And still gon do it after that!"
"Baby I'm sorry. I just hate when you wake me up out of my sleep. You be doing that shit on purpose." He tried to kiss me, but I moved my head. He just kissed my cheek instead and rubbed my stomach.
"Whatever. You know I can't help it." My sensitive ass started crying.
"Babe calm down. I ain't mean to yell at you, okay. Please stop crying. You gon upset the baby."
"Shut the fuck up!" I wiped my tears and unpaused the show I was watching.
"So you not hungry no more?"
"I am. I'm thinking."
"Okay. Just let me know when you ready." His dumbass rolled back over like he was finna go to sleep.
"Xiamarion. I know damn well you not tryna go back to sleep!"
"I'm tired."
"I don't care. Me and your baby are hungry."
"Tell what you want then."
"I want 2 McGriddles with sausage, egg, and cheese. A hashbrown. Nah, make that 2 too. Apple slices. A parfait. And some apple juice from the store."
"That's all right?"
"Yes and hurry up. Get my child something to eat too."
"Alright. I'll be back in 20 minutes."
"You mean 15 minutes."
"Whatever makes you happy." He got up out the bed and went into the bathroom. I know I was getting on his very LAST nerves, but I really don't care. He knows I do this everyday. Ain't nothing new nigga.
He came back out the bathroom and started getting dressed. I bit my lip as I watched him. As much as he pisses me off, lord knows this man is fine asf. My pregnant was still getting dicked down, I ain't letting this baby stop that. He turned around to grab his phone off of the bed and caught me starring.
"Stop being nasty girl. I already know you thinking. Ole horny ass."
"I changed my mind. Maybe the food can wait just a little while...."
"Uh uh, you woke me up to go get you som food, so that's what I'ma do."
"Okay and now I want some dick. So what you tryna do?"
"That doctor should've never told your ass that having sex while pregnant is safe. I'm tired of being used for food and sex. I'ma start charging your ass."
"Just get back in the bed baby."
"No. You acting bipolar." He started putting his shoes.
"Baaaaaaby! Why you being mean to me?"
"I just don't wanna hurt the baby."
"Nigga fuck you. The baby is perfectly fine. You just wanna be an asshole all the time. Bye!" I threw a a pillow at him.
"So you want food or sex right now? I'm confused."
"Nah, I'm completely turned off now. You ruined the mood. Bye. And hurry up."
"Mhm, I got you when I get back though." He came over to me and started kissing me.
"Well why I gotta wait until you get back? Xiamara's probably gonna be awake by then. We can get it poppin right now, daddy." I pulled his shirt off and rubbed my hands down his chest to his waistband of his sweats.
"Shit, let's get it poppin then lil mama."
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
It's been a few weeks now and I still wasn't really talking to anybody. I missed these of course, but I was ready for all the questions yet. Me and Xiamarion has just moved into our new house. He had bought us a house before the baby shower and that was gonna be his surprise for me, but you know how that all went down. The house is so beautiful.
There was 2 floors with 9 bedrooms in all (2 masters with full bathrooms & 7 bedrooms with full bathrooms), 7 bathrooms in all, spacious living room and dining room, 2 large entertainment rooms, fully equipped kitchen, a service kitchen, game room, power room, a built in studio, swimming pool, outdoor and indoor hot tub, storage room, landscape garden, and service area. Above anything I could ever dream of. Xiamara and the baby's room was repainted, remodeled, and fully furnished.
Xiamara's room
Baby's room
"You think we should have a house warming party? It does have to big, just family invited." I was cooking dinner in our new house for the first time.
"Yeah. You sure you wanna see everybody now?"
"Honestly, no. But I miss my family. Especially Ashley. I just wanna have fun and laugh. I don't wanna talk about what happened to me. But knowing my mama, she won't let it go until I talk to her."
"You know I didn't mean to tell everybody right? I just seen that nigga and wanted to snap. I didn't gets to protect you the first time so...."
"I know you were just upset and protecting me. I wish you knew how to control your anger better though. But I guess I should've at least told mama Jackie and my parents. And Ashley since we're so close." I shrugged stuffing the bell peppers.
"My mama been tore up since she found out. She's taking him to court too. So he been in hiding for a few weeks now."
"She did what? You know that means I have to write a statement and possibly testify in court right?"
"Don't you want this nigga to pay for what he did to you? His ass need to be in jail. Either him or me. Cause if he ever try to come around again, I'ma kill his ass."
"Baby, calm down. And of course I want him to face consequences, but I don't want to have to see him again. I can't handle that, looking at his face. It just brings everything back from that night. Like I can feel it happening to me all over again."
"I'ma make sure you don't have to see his ass again. I got you babe, alright? Stop worrying." He came behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.
"So um, when did she go report this?"
"The day after the baby shower. I keep telling her it's not anybody's fault that any of this happened but his perverted ass. She just feels like she could have prevented it and upset that you didn't get to enjoy the baby shower."
"Awww. It's definitely not her fault. She didn't know and the little bit of time we did have fun, I enjoyed. Plus, we got a ton of gifts and stuff we need for the baby. But I don't wanna deal with this while I'm pregnant. So let's just focus on the happy things in life right now. I'm just tryna to remain positive. I've been having a healthy pregnancy so far and don't need to be stressed out now."
"You right babe. I can't wait for my little girl to get here. I'ma spoil tf out of her."
"Oh I know. That's why Xiamara's a brat now. What she doing anyways. She too quiet right now."
"Chill, she's watching tv. She might've fell asleep though."
"Uh uh, I need her to wake up so she can eat. I'm almost done cooking too. Go wake my baby up."
"She gon eat. Just let her sleep. I like the quiet anyways." He rubbing my stomach, kissing my cheek.
"Mmhm, the food will be ready soon. I'm going to lay down. Call me when the timer goes off." I put the food in the oven and pressed start on the timer.
"So you just gon leave me?"
"You'll be alright."
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
"Baby I missed you so much! And this new house is beautiful! You been feeling okay?" My mama hugged me and rubbed my stomach, kissing my cheek repeatedly.
I had finally called her and told her I was ready to talk now. I needed to get this done and over with, especially now since I know there's a possibility that he can go to jail. I knew of all people, she was worried the most. My dad told me she cried literally everyday and really wouldn't get out of bed.
"Thank you mama. We kinda just moved in like 2 weeks ago, so everything's not exactly how I want it yet." She followed me into the living room so we could sit and talk. Xiamarion was at the store buying more stuff for the house and he had Xiamara with him. We had home decorators hired, but I still liked to be hands on so everything is exactly how I want it.
"Baby how have you been since the baby shower, really? You haven't been speaking to anybody in weeks and I was really started to get worried."
"At first, I was a little upset about everything that happened. I wanted to enjoy my baby shower with no drama. But other than that, I've just been tryna remain positive and enjoy my pregnancy. That's really why I haven't answered anyone's calls or texts. I wasn't ready for all the questions yet. I sit wanted to be left alone."
"Hmm, I can understand that."
"Mama I know you wanna talk about it. Just say it. I mean, everybody in the family knows now and I'm sure that's all they've been talking about."
"Well I didn't like the way I had to find out for sure. Did you ever plan on telling me and your dad, at all?"
"No. I was never gonna tell anybody. The only people that knew about it was Xiamarion and our counselors. Ashley didn't even know and I tell her everything, good and bad. But I couldn't tell y'all that. If I told, daddy would be in jail right now."
"But we're your parents, Amber. We are supposed to know this type of stuff. You can talk to me baby. And your father. I know you were scared and probably still are, but it's our job to protect you. I thought you were just being a regular teenager and going through that stage where you don't wanna be bothered by anybody and always having an attitude. And in reality, my baby was hurting. Why wouldn't you come to me?" We were both crying now.
"It was embarrassing and I was ashamed. Being a celebrity at such a young age was really hard for me. I didn't know how to handle it. I scared to tell anybody. And I didn't want people to think that I was lying. Mama Jackie had a whole relationship with this man and I knew she was happy and wouldn't want even think about him doing something like that. And then I had a baby a year later, so why would people even believe me?"
"I don't give a damn about what anybody else would've thought or believe, we would've believed you baby. You having a baby has nothing to do with this grown ass man sexually assaulting you, a 16 year old girl at the time. You used to be so joyful and always smiling and singing, then it just stopped. You would come home, go straight upstairs to your, and lock the door with music blasting. Imagine if you tried to hurt yourself behind this. He took something so special from you and it broke you. It turned you into a complete different person."
"I wasn't a virgin, mama. Xiamarion took my virginity on my 16 birthday, a few months before it happened. I also didn't wanna hear what you or anybody else had to say when they found that out too. I was a good girl, yes, but I wasn't all innocent either. And you know how people in our family talk, I would've been called all types of hoes just not being a virgin." I wiped my face.
"That doesn't matter to me, Amber. He raped you and you were a child. Nobody was there to protect you either. You could've gotten pregnant with his child instead of Xiamarion's. Or he could've gave you some type of disease. You could've even die from losing too much blood. Anything could've happened baby. And now I refuse to let his ass walk around free as if nothing happened."
"Mama Jackie is already pressing charges on him."
"I know. We talked about it together. Her and your father really wanted him dead, but I rather his ass suffer in prison where he belongs."
"I do too. But just like I told Xiamarion, I'm not dealing with this while I'm pregnant. My baby doesn't need to be around all that bad energy."
"Yeah and we don't need you going into labor early either. I need both of my grandbabies to be healthy when they get here. You need to call your sister." She rubbed my stomach, smiling. I'm glad we finally talked. I feel so much better foreal now.
"I am. I wanted to talk to you first though. You wanna see the baby's room?"
"I do." We got up and walked upstairs to the room.
"I know this baby is gonna be spoiled rotten already. And I hope this one has Xiamarion's attitude because that Xiamara got a mouth on her. Makes me wanna just beat her whenever she say something smart."
"I don't have a bad attitude." I scrunched my face up and rubbed my stomach.
"I carried you for 9 months and raised your ass, you don't ever got to lie to me baby."
I just laughed shaking my head. Somebody was always talking about my bad attitude. I phone started ringing in my hand and it was Ashley.
"Well looks who's calling me now." I held my phone up showing her before answering it.
"Hey sis!"
"Amber I don't have time for games right now!! MY WATER JUST BROKE!!!" She yelled through the phone and I looked at my mom, she was already on go.
"Me and mama on our way. Just breathe and stay calm. I'ma stay on the phone with you alright."
"Okay. Hurry up cause this shit hurt so bad!!"
"I thought she wasn't due for another month." My mama said looking confused. I shrugged and turned my attention back to Ashley.
"Where's Chad?"
"He's on his way home now." She yelled out in pain from another contraction coming. I put the phone on speaker as we got in the car. I texted Xiamarion letting him know Ashley was in labor. Me and my mom just tried our best to keep her calm as she kept yelling out from the pain.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
My nephew was finally here. At 5 pounds and 12 ounces, Janai Sekani Johnson was born with a had full of hair at 11:43 pm. He was such a beautiful baby. Ashley and Chad were so excited too. I was glad to see her so happy, because she deserves it.
"Amb, you're next." My dad said winking at me.
"I can't wait. I hope she has a head full of hair like her sister did."
"You sure you ready for these labor pains? I thought I was dying man." Ashley said eating some ice. Hospital ice is always the best for some reason.
"Girl, I had Xiamara on the bathroom floor of our apartment with no medicine or doctors, how much pain you think I was in? You had an epidural. I'm sure I'll be fine."
"Oh you's a tough mf ain't you. And why the bathroom floor?" Chad said laughing while rocking Janai in his arms.
"I'm a whole champ nigga. And I was already in labor too long, I had to push. But we went to the hospital afterwards of course."
"You think your hand was hurting with Ashley. Amber made me loose all the circulation in my hand when she was in labor. My shit was numb for 3 days." Xiamarion said and I smacked him upside his head. Dramatic asf.
"Why you always lying! I was not hurting you that bad nigga. I don't know why you so damn dramatic."
"3 days my nigga, remember that."
"Shutup!"
"Alright y'all can stop all that yelling now. I think we should let Ashley get some rest now. We'll be back in the morning baby." My mama got up kissing Ashley forehead and hugging Chad.
"Wait Ash, we gotta talk." I looked at her. She nodded her head and we wait for everyone to leave out.
"I'll be out in the hall baby." Chad was the last one to leave.
"What's up?"
"I know I've been kinda ignoring everybody for the past couple of weeks, and I'm sorry. But I couldn't handle all that was going on at the time. I didn't wanna talk about it. So I just shut everybody out for a while, that way I could still be happy for a while. But I know you want to know what happened."
"Oh, I understand. I know what happened. I just want to know why you felt like you couldn't tell me. I'm your sister, but we're also bestfriends. I couldn't tried to help you get through it instead of you going through it alone and hurting even more."
"It's not that easy. I couldn't just go home and say that I was raped. I was young and scared. I wanted to forget that night forever. I wasn't the same anymore after that. I'm still not the same now, especially after seeing him again for the first time in years. But I try not to focus on that."
"You held onto that secret for 8 years. That's scary. It's like it happened right underneath our nose and we didn't even notice any changes. I always just thought you had a bad ass attitude, but now I know why."
"Oh no, I always had this attitude. I'll admit that, at least. But I was sad and depressed for a long time afterwards. I didn't understand why it had to happen to me. I didn't think I would ever want to have sex again."
"I don't understand either. I just know I want this nasty ass mf to pay for what he did to you. And he's really sick asf for walking up in your baby shower like that. That's one bold ass mf."
"And he even tried to touch me too. That's when Xiamarion jut snapped. I was mad at first, but now I know why he did it. He was just protecting me."
"So...are you okay now? I mean, does it still bother you?"
"Um honestly, this year is the first time I ever talked about it since it happened. And I cried the first 2 times, but I'm okay now. If I see him, that's a different story. I can't look him in his face anymore because if I do, it's like I'm reliving that night all over again. But other than that, I'm actually okay. And happy."
"Good. You know we'll all go to jail behind you Amb. Just remember you're never alone. I don't care how much you get on my last nerves or make me mad, I'll always be here for you in any given circumstances."
"I know sis. And I'll always do the same for you."
"I love you hoe."
"I love you too thot."
Comment/Vote
So Amber was still ignoring her family. 😕
Her and Xiamarion just nasty. 🤦🏾♀️😉😂
They got a new house!! 🤗🤗
They're going to press charges. Do you think he's gonna go m.i.a. ??? 🤭👀🤔
Amber finally talked to her mama & Ashley. ☺️☺️
Ashley finally had her baby!! 🤗💙💙
What's next for Amber & Xiamarion?? More drama?? Or finally their happily ever after?? 👀🤭🤔