Author's Note at the end of the Chapter for Timeline Reference.
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Los Angeles, MAY 12, 2013
"Don't you wanna go out with them?" I asked her. She was there sitting on a wicker chair right next to me reading a book. We were on the porch trying to enjoy the afternoon.
She closed the book and glanced at me. "No"she smiled.
"Why? They called a couple of times already, you probably realize they won't stop until you gave in" I explained. Those friends of Kristen became my friends ever since we went out together. They're a rowdy crowd, reminds me of my pals back home.
"It's your birthday tomorrow, There's a lot I have to do, and stuff I need to buy and all" She replied in all seriousness.
She was planning a party here tomorrow for my 27th, friends will be coming over and some acquaintances, although I'm not really sure who her guest list are. I'm frankly worried and tired, if It was left to me, I'd rather have some alone time.
"Rob, are you okay?" breaking me from my worrisome thoughts, I looked at her.
It took me a second to catch my breath, but for a moment she looks so much like the Kristen I met when we were auditioning for Twilight. God, I sometimes forget how beautiful she is.
"You're staring" she said with a frown.
"Yes I am" I smiled back.
"See something you like?" she retorted.
Is she feeling naughty again? I wonder if she's up for an afternoon romp. I winked.
"Yep, I like it very much" I stood up and yanked her to her feet, hugging her to me and giving her a long eager kiss on the lips. "In fact, I like it so much I want to spend the rest of the day and my whole birthday tomorrow with her....alone" I admitted honestly, showering her with kisses all over her face.
"That's not possible" she answered laughing and trying to kiss me back still, hands wrapped around my neck.
"Yes possible, tell them sorry" I mumbled in between kisses.
She stiffened, smile fading. "But I've got everything prepared!" Looking up at me scowling.
I laughed. "I know, but that isn't what I want for my birthday."
She broke free from my grasp and straightened her shirt trying to think. I actually managed to ruck it up while we were kissing. Progress interrupted.
"Rob you just cannot bail out on these people, we already promised tomorrow to them" She explained. "We told them on my birthday remember?"
"I know, just tell them something came up," honestly, I was getting a little miffed. Although it was just a random thought, I really would do prefer a stay-at-home us-alone birthday. I'm glad my tongue was loose enough to tell her.
"I prepared everything already! It's your birthday and I want it to be special!" she answered, her voice a little louder than he expected.
So the discordant mood was apparently contagious.
"Who fucking cares? For once, can I get what I want here Kristen?" I answered back, words stinging, eyes glaring.
It's out now.
"What?" She looked aghast for a moment.
There were things you realize when you get your heart broken. For me, the fact that I can't live without her, then the cold reality of having been cuckolded and questioning your own manhood. Cuckold? We're not even married, but thank God. Thank God were not married.
I tried, for the sake of the boy and girl who fell in love with each other. I tried for those two lost souls who only wanted the world to understand them.
But I cannot do it anymore. She has to know.
"God damn it Kristen! For once, could you stop being so selfish!" Exasperated, I sat back down trying to get my shit together.
"What the hell did I do now?" She asked.
"It's nothing you did, lately if I must add" I glared at her. We won't be talking about it, as promised. Some topics are just better uncharted.
"Rob please don't bring it up, not again" her voice softened, tone pleading. It hurts for both of us every time.
"It's nothing in particular. I'm just having a hard time trying to pretend I'm fine when I'm not" I explained. Somehow, I came to a point where I can't even look her in the eye already. So I stared on the hardwood floors of the deck and just let it all out.
"When I was in Adelaide, I get so much time alone that I actually had time to think things through..."
She was pacing the deck now, conversations like these don't end well, everybody knows that.
"In that amount of time, i got all my priorities straightened out. I realized that If I wanted to succeed in my career I have to stop paying attention to other people's unfounded judgment." I glanced up wondering if she knows where I'm getting at. But no, she was already frozen in place staring at a random plant or tree in the vicinity.
When I was alone out there, I knew that the only way I get to have a sure footing in this relationship again was to understand what I really wanted out of it. I wanted Kristen, but I wasn't sure If she wanted me like I her. I realized that if I wanted to get back in the game I have to think of myself also. But like always, when she's there in front of me already, I find it hard to let her go.
"Kristen, it's not that I don't value us. It's just after all that's happened I find myself in a disadvantage. I find myself undervalued."
"By who Rob?" she interrupted.
"No. Its not like.."
"Say it! Just say it!" she lashed out. "Just say that you find yourself undervalued by me! That I'm an ungrateful bitch! That after all these years I manage to fuck up the only thing that actually means anything to me. I fucked you up. I fucked you up so bad I can't even fix you...no matter how hard I try it would never be the same, because I'm a selfish bitch who was so scared of something so real she took the fucking bait when reality wanted her to get a fucking grip!"
She was shaking. Her legs trembled, her face in a grimace, her eyes closed trying to keep her tears at bay.
I was there one moment so sure of myself, now I lost it again. Like I always do in all these arguments.
I stood up and closed the space between us, wanting to comfort her but knowing I don't have the right, but I need to hug her and feel her now.
She spent the last few months trying to make it up to me. It was such a drastic change from her usual self it scared me at first. If our relationship before was more of me trying so hard, after the shit storm, she made up for it tenfold.
I know she blames herself so much for this, and I wasn't any help at all, I was only there for her to worship. Someone she could grovel at to make up for the guilt she went through.
"I love you so much Robert...and I'm sorry." she sniffled.
I wasn't listening anymore, my mind was made up. I realized it wasn't gonna get any better, we were both like broken records all the time. Same arguments, same insecurities. This has to end at some point. If I don't end it now it's only gonna be harder then.
"Kris, listen to me...I think we need to give each other time to heal. I don't blame you for it, I don't blame you for anything at all. If I was a stronger man we might have pulled through, but I'm weak and I'm only gonna drag you down with me" I calmly explained. It was a practiced speech. There were so many times I've wanted to say it but find myself scared of losing her, so i let it go by.
Now i regret it, I can't take the words back.
"But I love you....I always will. You know that right?" She was stiff in my arms, barely moving. "But we have to let each other go....for now"
Then she cried, she cried there in my arms. She has been crying a lot lately. Maybe this was for the best.
We weren't the same people anymore.
She lost herself. I lost myself along with her.
After a long spell she pulled herself out of my arms, but not before she hugged me tight first and smell me too, yes she just did. She brushed her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt, "I got to go, Maybe I'll make it in time for the party after all"
She hurried in the house. No words from her, just acquiescence. So I just stood there with her scent and warmth lingering in my arms. I tried to engrave it in my mind. I found myself storing memories for safekeeping lately, maybe I knew it was coming.
After a few minutes I heard the front door close and her car start. I stayed a little longer to secure the dogs and make sure they get enough food and water. Who knows when she will be back, coz I know I wouldn't be for some time.
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A/N: Back in May that year as well. There was a photo of K during Rob's Birthday (May 13) where she was seen "tearful" in the front seat of her friend's car (see photo above). Few days later a photo of Rob was released where he was seen leaving her house in his red pick up truck with all his luggages, also with Bear and Bernie (their dogs). I'd like to think that before their formal separation probably there were already small disagreements in between like any other relationships. (25/09/2019)
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Shout out to Channette: Gusto mu na ako patyon ay?