By the smell I felt that he was right behind me. Even before that, I felt he was there.
The windows were open in the church, and the wind bring the scent of Cologne water and cigarettes up to me. It was, surprisingly, comforting.
My mother and I were sitting in the first row. I turned and saw Billy. In a black shirt with no tie, he looked at the floor. He didn't see me watching him those couple of seconds or he just ignored me.
When priest said he was a beloved father, I felt that every muscle in my body was tighten. If he and Billy had a normal relationship, his son would keep a speech. I couldn't imagine what would Billy actually say if he had a chance to speak.
He didn't cry. He didn't look up. He was just...there, which, I suppose, is better than he not coming at all.
After it ended. I watched Billy and several other men, carrying the coffin out of the church. Billy still didn't show any feelings.
My mother was with me in the car, while Polly and Billy were in the car behind us.
When we arrived at the cemetery, we gathered around the huge hole in front of the monument where the Hargrove was engraved.
I was wondering whether my mother would be buried here or next to my father.
Billy walked out of the car and walked over to where I was standing and looked into the hole. He just stared at it, just like me. When he turned he looked at me, I saw panic in his eyes.
It's a strange thing how you leave the pride behind, when you truly feel that someone you care about needs help.
I caught him by the hand. He didn't resist.
"I can't do this.", he said.
"Do what?"
"What if they ask me to help with the coffin? I can't do it."
"It's okay, Billy. You don't have to do anything you don't want.", he just nodded, blinked and said nothing.
Then he let go of my hand, turned and walked away.
"Billy...wait!"
"I can't watch them putting him down there, let alone participate in it."
"It's okay, you don't have to."
"I don't think I want to be here, Betty. Anyway, I don't want to watch that."
"Billy, that's a normal reaction, we don't have to go back, I'll stay with you here."
Not far from us landed a black crow I wondered what that meant.
After a few seconds of silence, he spoke. "In one of our worst fights, probably a year before I met you, he said that he would rather be dead than living and looking at what kind of a failure I'll turn into.", he looked at his shoes and shook his head. "I replied to that by saying that if so, I would have a smile on my face while they putting him down."
Tears came to my eyes. "Billy..."
He whispered and looked at the sky. "I didn't mean that.", I could hardly hear his voice and realized that he was addressing to his father at that moment. "I have to get out of here, I can't stay here, I'm losing myself, I feel like I can't breathe."
Suddenly he speeded up the walk and I went after him.
"Where do you want to go? At the airport?"
"No...no. Your car is here, right ?"
"Yeah."
"Just get me out of here, love."
My heart skipped a little when he called me love, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I shook my head and walked, leading us to the parking lot.
I pulled out the keys, unlocked the car, and Billy got in.
I just turned on the car and headed for the exit. "Where do you want to go?"
"Wherever the fuck you want. Somewhere quite different to this nightmare. Just ride."
Billy leaned his head against the seat and closed his eyes. His chest went down and up as he unbuttoned the first three buttons on his shirt.
When the red light was on the traffic light, I had to stop and sent the message to my mother. 'I'm fine. Billy had some kind of panic attack and I'm driving him around. I'm not sure when we'll be back.'
I didn't expect her to answer me since the burial was still going on.
He murmured. "Fuck."
"What?"
"I left cigarettes in Polly's car."
"We'll stop and buy cigarettes."
"No. Don't stop, just drive."
And that's I did. I've been driving all day. It was already night. Billy was silent all the time and mostly he was looking out the window.
Four hours later, I saw a sign
Welcome to Las Vegas. He told me to take him somewhere completely opposite to the cemetery.
"Another twenty minutes, then we'll stop, okay?"
He turned to me and spoke for the first time in the long time. "Thank you."
A few minutes later, it seemed as if he had fallen asleep. I remembered how Liz said he hadn't slept at all since he find out that his father was dead.
My phone rang and I answered. "Hello, mom."
"Betty, we're worried, you're gone whole day. Is everything okay?"
"I'm not sure when we'll be back, but don't worry, okay? I'm sorry I had to leave you."
"I'm fine, the worst has past. Polly will stay with me tonight, just take care of Billy, he doesn't have to be alone."
"Well, thank you for being full of understanding, Mom. I love you."
"I love you too."
We were getting closer to our destination, so I just tapped Billy. "Come on, wake up, we're here."
He rubbed his eyes and looked at me as we drove. "Where are we?"
"Las Vegas."
"What? We get away from the burial so you can take me here? What the fuck?"
When I turned to look at him, I was expecting the confusion on his face, but instead, he sent me one of the few honest smiles I've ever seen, telling me he's just joking with me.
Then he put his face in his hands and hysterically laughed. I thought he was going crazy.
"Do you think this is absurd?"
He wiped his eyes. "No, I think this is fucking great!"
When I turned to the parking lot, he was still laughing.
"Well, you told me to take you somewhere quite opposite of the cemetery, Billy."
"Yes, I was thinking of some Japanese restaurant or, I don't know...the beach?"
"You want me to get us out of here?"
"No, this one I would never have remembered, but if there is a place where you can drown your sorrow, then it's here.", he looked out of the window, then turned to me and gave me a look that gave me goosebumps. "Help me drown my sorrow, Betty."
A/N
I've been so caught up with preparing for school that I actually almost forgot to update! Well, anyways, this was a packed chapter, and there's of course so much more to come. Thank ya for +20k reads!!! You guys make me really happy with your comments and reads, keeps me a bit sane.