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F L A S H B A C K - our last summer
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Song: "No Good For Me" by Boys Of Fall.
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After calmly navigating through autumn, passing winters' hibernation, beyond the days of temperamental spring and falling into summer's warm embrace; a season to celebrate for many various reasons. When Summer arrives it's about time for a month and a half break with the end of another school year. Yet this time, the break technically would never be over. Life was about to become a whole lot different with our day to day routines, and heck, I only hoped there'd be more freedom to come of this. And a party or two.
For our graduating class, one of the rich and naturally wealthy - popular girls', Mac, volunteered to throw our party, which meant no expenses would've been spared. Countless hints were being dropped that implied the event would be like all our camps, dance formals and events, all mashed into one and successfully form an outrageously lavish party; one our school and vast majority of students' families alone could never have afforded.
I'd been following any updates about the party as a source of my kind of daily news. Excited for our bittersweet farewell to what we know, a toast to the future and a shot at last chances with those we may never see again.
The majority of us have the same intention to leave this town and never look back.
Whether that even happens, or not.
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One of the few perks living in such a small town was the short travel time to get to and from places. Unfortunately being on time didn't prevent the usual hold up of getting out sooner.
The dull roar of the engine stopped and the radio switched off too. I didn't have earphones to come to my rescue. Instead, I'm stuck in the car with dad and an equally impatient, Haley. Peering helplessly through the tinted car windows, no matter how busy the surroundings may be, I'd always find him in the crowds.
I couldn't stop myself from smiling at the sight of Lucas.
The way the sun was slowly setting, it's emitting a glow around his swept up dirty blonde hair, his purposeful gaze sorting through the groups of people. The shadows casting from tall buildings favourably outlined his lean and built body, even beneath his loosely buttoned up shirt his muscles were apparent, all thanks to his love of sports, particularly basketball. He didn't have a bad day when it came to his looks, yet his dorkish-ness towards women said otherwise. I couldn't fault him for trying.
A few feet away from Lucas, stood Sam, my unofficial - official date for the night and Lucas' total opposite when it came to women.
I resented the fact I couldn't be with Sam, he's swarmed by a bunch of girls chewing his ear off. It hardly went unnoticed the way he had the girls nudging Lucas out of the way, who in turn I wished would get them to leave. Or at least take one for the team and have them flock to him instead, no matter what he had to do for their attention.
Sam had many girls wrapped around his little finger and all he had to do was speak with his stupid English accent, which admittedly I'm a sucker for, and stare you down with his seafoam eyes... the type of eyes, you knew you'd be done for if given just one look. His dimples are a sign of how hard he'd been smiling at someone, among other thoughts of what also could be going on deeper.
"Shut up," I murmured, my anger intended towards Sam.
"Excuse me?" My dad stops his instruction to grumble at me from the front.
"What? No, not you." I sighed. I knew explaining myself would get me nowhere. "Sorry, I meant speak up."
When dad continued on with this lecture, I glanced back to notice the flock of girls thankfully departing.
I could sense the tension rising again between the guys. Their body language said it all, with folded arms, hunched shoulders and angled bodies. The way their watchful eyes seek anyone to come along so they wouldn't have to make small talk, or even have to look at the other. Eventually there's a wave of relief when a small group of our other friends pours out of a car towards them.
I wanted to join, sadly that's not about to happen yet. There's no chance of leaving without a dads' well rehearsed lecture, which has been a dull murmur in the background that I turned out from.
"You're both to be safe. That's a given. Oh, and more importantly, no and I mean no sex, no drinking, no drugs. Nothing. You're both closed for business, if you catch my drift. I don't want babies, having their own babies." His narrowed eyes switch between us, suspicious with a glimmer of hope we may crack under pressure and want to come home now. "You're there to be with friends and have fun. And I don't want any trips to the hospital-"
Finally, he lets out a waft of relief with his coffee breath upon concluding his party lecture.
Part of us knew he was no fool. He was young once, despite his strict behaviour, we knew deep down he had his suspicions from his own experiences and judgement of what we'd be doing - which he'd be correct. Aside from his apparent angelic perception of us, truthfully we're the exact opposite. None of these parties turned out any differently than the one before and always ended up the same; get drunk, completely fucked up and always pray we make it home in one piece.
The locks flick up, meaning we can escape now after a long and gruelling talking-to, he made valid points and we knew about the dangers for every party we went to.
We don't waste another moment as take off in our small heeled shoes, nothing would keep us back, not even the fear of twisting our ankles should we fall.
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I've lost count of how many drinks I've had.
A rough guess, enough to skew my vision from being able to read my phone screen clearly.
When I found a point of focus the words turned into squiggles by floating up and down.
I hated how I'd found myself alone.
I recalled Lucas was with me earlier with a few of our other friends, but minutes passed and he'd gone off with some chick from our English class. I think her name is Abby? Sarah? Who cares.
I'd eventually lost sight of Haley, whisked away in the chaos that unfolded throughout the night.
Thankfully, I hadn't been abandoned entirely. As promised, Sam stuck by my side. I'd noticed over time he had some part of him on me, either by holding hands, onto my tiny wrist or a hand pressed to the small of my back. All of which I'd been relieved to have felt, otherwise I'd have worried he'd go off wandering.
I gave up on my phone, just like alcohol had given up with my eyes.
Apparently it seemed to be a good idea to start dirty dancing instead of being on my phone. Climbing on to the couch cushions, Sam pulled on my elbow to force me into his front. His hands rested on my waist and we moved in sync with the beat of the music. For anyone who failed to get out of our way, we'd been knocking into them before we had the entire couch to ourselves.
A few songs later and bouncing around on the couch, I found myself panting with the need to catch my lost breath.
I slither through Sams' hands and let my back fall against the cushions. My cheeks were flushed from the alcohol and our dancing.
Although I needed to rest, this didn't mean Sam needed too. He leans overs and trails his lips along my neck and stops by my ear, which he nibbles and releases but remains close.
The sound of his smacking lips starts to irritate me. I could tell he's failing to say what's on his mind. "Spit it out," I retort and swat at the top of his forearm gliding around my waist.
"Dunno, just thinkin, maybe we can do some horizontal dancing upstairs, I've heard it's alotta fun," he suggests and seals the offer with a kiss.
I got the impression he intended this to sound a lot sexier than it came across.
There's a glimmer of hope across his face as leans back, which vanishes and is replaced with a frown when I giggle.
Getting up and turning to him, I reach for his hand, ignoring his pouty mouth.
"Oh come on then," I sigh. I had the greatest habit of making these kinds of decisions all thanks to alcohol.
Quick to his feet, Sam takes charge and leads us on the intended path he had in mind.
Hallucinations strike when I start to spot my dad in the crowds, standing with crossed arms and shaking his head.
He wasn't here, no, he couldn't be. Clenching my eyes shut and shaking the thought, until finally he's gone. All the while Sam continues to lead our way around this maze of a place.
From slow beginnings of dancing on the couch and then to faster movements in a bedroom.
All in a flash, my body's scooped effortlessly with his larger stature and tossed on the bed. We're tangled in sheets when he bounces on and launches his lips sparing no time apart from mine.
The weight of his body isn't a problem, it's his forceful moves and tearing at my top, which makes me want to sober up and stop now.
"Sam, I-I don't want to do this," I say with a jerk in my voice when his hand tickles along my side.
Lifting his face from mine, he appears disappointed by the rejection. Normally, we weren't the type to say no to one another. I mean how could I say no to fooling around with the man who's been specially crafted and notably one of god's favourites creations. Although we spoke about this special moment leading up to tonight, I wasn't exactly sentimental but still, I wanted something memorable than a sloppy drunk party fuck. I knew deep down, I'd regret going further than sober me could handle.
"Back there, it seems ya did," he refers to the couch scene.
Alcohol plus my memory would be best for a goldfish. I couldn't remember much, just random bits.
"Come on, it'll be fun," he tries to kiss my neck and the usual rush sensation now burns instead against my skin.
"N-no-Sam, I said no-o," I grumbled when he put a bit more of his weight on me, causing me to be short of breath and struggling to continue to speak, "-go back, down, I want Haley."
Giving up against my struggles, he rolled to the side.
I let out a breath and embraced the idea of freedom of movement again. Yet, I remain still awaiting on him, as rejection made him act out on brewing anger; this happened with anyone to trigger the mood, and to me especially.
I only hoped he wouldn't break something this time.
"Why be such a cock tease, then?" He grumbles whilst adjusting his jeans in discomfort. "I could be with anyone, so why-ima' stuck 'ere with you to get blue balls?" I flinch a little when he reaches beside him to grab hold of a smaller pillow and places it against his bulging front.
If this had been the first time I'd heard this, I'd be more offended.
Sadly it's not and it still bothers me as much as any other time he says this to me.
"I'm so sorry I don't want to fuck at a party," I growl at him, whilst freeing myself from the bed and go for the door. Rather than taking off for my own escape, I allow him to go instead. "Go on, if I'm not good enough, take these words as my blessing. I'm stupid for even thinking tonight would've been different."
"Different how?" he questions.
Even in life after high school, he'll continue being an amazing actor. I've seen him as the monster he is and foolishly enough, I couldn't stop going back to him. When he's good, we're going good - it's great, but on his bad days, I remember why I should've left in the first place.
"Whatta you want that I haven't already given you?" He now challenges.
There's silence and I fought all urges to walk out the door by now. I let my eyes trail down towards my slowly lifted right hand, where he looked too. Taking in the sight of the glistening silver band on my pointer finger he gifted me. Being from a wealthy family, this is a sign of materialism at it's finest. Although he's an ideal suitor in my dad's eyes as a provider, not so much the acting side, but financially he would happily look past what is believed to be a career flop.
If I was ever to be stuck in an arranged marriage, I'd rather Sam, than an old man from dad's work.
"You know what-" I want to say more but stop and feel stupid for being so vulnerable.
"What? Is this to do with asking you to 'officially' be my girlfriend?" He adds in air quotations, knowing the words that would roll right off my tongue.
The emphasis on 'officially' makes my blood run cold.
"I'm right. It's that again, isn't it?" he softens his querying tone and I'm surprised he remembers.
I glare at him as though to say It's not like I've both directly and indirectly asked over the past couple of months.
"You know, I thought-" I paused and let out a sigh, "we were good." My face drops and stares to the floor.
His feet remain still, as do mine. Neither of us want to budge or make the first physical move.
"So if I ask to be officially with you, then what? We fuck?" He asked in such a way that took the moment I hoped for and stomped right on it. The way he carelessly uses the word fuck in that sentence made me feel dirty again
"We're going to different schools, Rebecca. And long distance won't work for us. I thought we both agreed on this."
I felt my heart clench and my throat develop a huge lump I'm struggling to swallow. "Well, I lied," I snap and still don't have the guts to look him in the face. "Of course I wanted it to work. You were too busy trying to live your best life, and I didn't stop you. You got into the school of your dreams, so what kind of girlfriend-I mean, friend, would I be if I wasn't happy for you?"
He is silent and trying to process my words, before letting out a long sigh.
I hate that I stare up to those awaiting hollow eyes, whereas I'm fighting the prickly feeling in mine.
"I should leave. Maybe it's best we stop this and... see other people, it's for the best," his words colder than his stare.
I'd planned this moment in my head, through the good or rejection, and it didn't make the pain hurt any less when hearing it from him. I was struggling to breathe, but not crack in front of him. I hurt more than I thought possible.
With slow steps he starts to head my way.
I hold my breath and suck in more when he stops and pauses by my side. He stood by me long enough I released my breath and felt deflated that it's any wonder how I was still standing. "Whatever you want, Sam," I said with as much confidence I could to match my fake brave face.
Taking a few reluctant steps forward in the opposite direction to which he faced with my arms folded against my chest. I'd allowed him the space he needed for his exit. Keeping my back facing the door, foolishly hopeful he wouldn't do it and call my bluff.
A shock erupts through me, from the cold brush of his fingers running against my cheek, then only to be followed by a whisk of cool air that wraps around me and reality sets in.
The door opened wide to let the hallway lighting in and left a splinter of light upon closing it.
Drawn to the alluring sight of a bottle of wine, I knew I not only deserved this, but needed it. Keeping the matter classy, I poured it's contents into a glass and inhaled whatever remained in the bottle.
There's a grumble outside in the hallway, it could be Sam but I don't care enough to check.
Tossing the empty bottle, the world around me starts to go in slow motion until pieces of glass shatter about from the impact of it smashing against the wall. Part of me considered I should feel bad for the cleaner, to do the right thing and clean, but fuck it, I'll blame it on Sam. But what're the chances this is the worst thing to happen tonight? I'm sure by now there's a lot worse going on.
"Wow, um hello? Someone in here?" a voice calls out.
Of course, it had to be Lucas he ran into.
Carefully peering into the room, he then spots me, when I shift my eyes from the liquid streaming down the wall, over to the opened door. The numbness from the alcohol doesn't shield the embarrassment whilst he examines me from head to toe.
His lips part and I know he wants to say something, but I can't let him start. Not right now.
"I don't want to talk about it," I say with tears welled up before he has another chance.
"Fine. I will say though, he's a dick. Especially if he makes you cry." Lucas allows himself into the room, rather than standing in the hallway. "Do you want me to stay?"
"Mhm, I think you're busy," I motion to his crush who's standing awkwardly in the hallway.
"Not if you need me," He says and without a second to spare, he swings his leg backwards with such force the door clicks shut on impact. If I were her, I'd be livid. Surprisingly, there's not even a groan of frustration, we stood in our silence, overhearing above the music, the sound of her heels heading off in another direction.
Part of me thinks I hear Sam offering to take her somewhere, but I could be imagining this.
"Come on," Lucas cooes and opens his arms.
Walking forward and navigating my staggering feet into his embrace. I felt at home and it'd been the kind of feeling I'd hoped Sam could have given, especially now. "I just wish you'd listen to me. He's no good for you."
I weakly scoff at his comment. "Could say the same about you, Prince Charming. How many have you wooed tonight? We both know it's hard for girls to say no, when you just-"
In that moment, he gave a look, which catches you off guard and you're rendered speechless.
"Just what? Hmm, be ridiculously charming and make them smile?" He asks teasingly.
"You're trouble, Lucas Scott. You're as bad as Sam," I say and instantly regret it. Somehow I've not only hurt my feelings, but Lucas', when he releases his arms. "I mean-I know, uh, you know-"
"Please!" he interrupts and takes a calming breath, "-never compare us, again."
"I'm sorry, you know I didn't mean it like that."
"We're nothing alike. For starters, I wouldn't make you cry and I actually care about you." His hands cup my cheeks and swipes his thumbs beneath my eyes, removing evidence I'd been crying.
"I know, which is why you're my best friend and I'd say my dad has accepted you as part of the family," I tell him.
It dawned on me, I felt the need to mention that little detail it made all the difference, but it did, especially when my family's approval meant a lot to me.
"And you're there when I need someone, especially now, after dickhead walked off on me for saying no to sex... it's humiliating. And whilst I'm being honest... I'm not going to lie, I'm in the mood but he was being a jackass so I said no, but yeah, anyway, so random, it's the alcohol talking... Here you are, saying things I want to hear and, you're always there for me and all my needs-" stopping me again, he swiftly moves one of his hands and pushes his pointer to my lips.
"Your needs-" He repeats my words and stops, unsure as if to continue with what he wanted to say. I hated the anticipation from hanging off each word. "I mean, what if, as friends, I don't know, if you and I, you know, if you make me happy, and I you, we try something..."
"Please explain." I'm positive I knew, still, I wanted it to be him who clarifies it.
"You know exactly what I mean." Despite the momentary distance he gave us, he moves back in and wraps his arms around my waist.
My hands slither along his forearms and rest to his front, my elbows to torso and hands creeping up and planting a top of his shoulders. I'm trying to process this moment. His touch is more gentle compared to Sam's approach.
Sam knew what I liked, rough and straight to the point.
Lucas however, he's always been a soft and tender person. Gentle, yet full of surprises.
The idea of us being anything more than friends has crossed my mind before, a few times, truthfully. We've kissed in a game of spin the bottle a year or two ago. It wasn't bad and I wished I could do it again, but I couldn't admit it out loud in front of everyone. Not when I thought Haley may be the one to finally confess her feelings for him instead. Then enters Sam, who distracted me long enough from the idea of there ever being a Lucas and me.
"Kiss me, then," I say quietly.
Lucas takes his chance and does so, it's short and sweet. His lips knew exactly where to go, landing on top of mine. He wasn't hungry, or forceful, he didn't try to pry his tongue through, he kept it calm but enough he knew I'd want more, and also be sure he didn't cross any boundaries with any sudden doubts.
When he pulls back he seems to have something else to say. "What if we do something neither of us have done before... I think it'll be fun and we can delete it afterwards." He lets go to one side of me and pulls out his phone. "Only if you want, too..."
The sober side said you've just had your heart broken, stop. Then the alcohol fuelling my body says who cares, exactly as my body agrees.
"I love you," I say to him. Shaking away the sensible side of me, my hands rip a handful of his hair and pull our lips back together. My kiss to seal the deal and agree to the idea.
Pulling back from the kiss, we seem to give one another a knowing nod and take off in different directions. I secure the door and locked it. Turning around with my back pressed against the door, he's propped the phone against a pile of books, facing towards the rustled up sheets.
Part of me hurts because of Sam, and I wished this was me and him, but the other part of me said this is the better choice, being here with Lucas.
"I love you, too," He finally says back, after what felt like ages, but my sign to keep going.
Crashing together with a magnetic force, our bodies stumble over and fall safely onto the bed. All the while the phone records our every movement and intimate moments.
{edited: 12th nov / 2021}