trigger warning: suicide, suicidal thoughts
~~~~~
"Who... am I?" Levi repeated quietly, his dull eyes widening. In only a few seconds, it seemed as if all of the light had died from his eyes, as if the dark circles beneath them had gotten ten shades darker—as if his world had crumbled to dust.
Lowering his arms, he choked, "What do you mean?"
"I—I'm sorry," Chi stuttered, drawing on an awkward smile. "You must have the wrong person."
"No, I'm Levi... your lov—" But he cut himself off and drew on a crooked smile—the best he could muster. "...I mean, I'm a friend."
"Oh? You're my friend?" Chi asked, releasing the tension in her shoulders. "Then maybe I should introduce myself. I'm..." She faltered and her eyes fell to her lap, eyebrows knit tightly together as she wracked her head for an answer. "I'm..."
"Chisaki," Levi answered for her, snapping her out of her thoughts. "Chisaki Matsumoto. But everyone calls you Chi, idiot."
At that last remark, she recoiled again and her eyebrows furrowed. "Did you just call me an idiot?"
"I—I mean, you're just Chi. Sorry, it's a habit." Nodding in understanding, Chi let out a deep breath, eyes flickering over to study his face. His steel gray eyes were now cast down to where his hands rested in his lap, hi lips pressed together into a thin line; his shoulders were drawn, as if he were in deep sorrow.
"Oi, Levi?" Chi murmured, gently placing her hand on his shoulder. "Are you... are you okay?"
His head snapped up, his gaze softening as it landed again on her curious, wondrous golden eyes. "...Yes, I'm fine."
Chi cocked her head inquisitively. "But you don't seem like you are."
"Just what are you implying?"
"I don't know. But..." Her hand slid over to his neck, then up to his cheek where she cupped it carefully in her hand. "I can't seem to remember why—well, I can't remember anything, but I feel like—I feel like you're important. Like you're special. There's something in me that keeps screaming to me, saying someone named Levi has to be kept close to my heart. There's a lot of jumbled things in my head that I can't sort out, but the only thing that stands out is your face." Leaning in closer, her curious eyes flitted over his chiseled features, his high cheekbones, his perfectly carved lips...
"And even now I'm thinking there's something about you I can't get off of my mind," she explained, her eyes glazed over with curiosity and confusion. "When I really think about it, I feel a really sharp pain right here." Her other hand went over to her chest and rested right above her heart, a pained expression coming across her face. Looking deeply into his eyes that greatly resembled the color of gunmetal, she whispered, "And I can see it in your eyes. You look like you're in pain; like you're in agony. I can see the emptiness, the hollowness, the loneliness. When I look in them, I can see that you've suffered a lot, that you've lost a lot of things that have been important to you. My brain reacts instantly, and I can't really help it, but I feel the strong urge to help you. I feel the strong urge to be there for you. I can't explain how I know this, but... Levi, because you said we were friends, I hope you know I'm here for you."
She flashed him a small smile as his eyes grew wide, and in an instant he moved in and engulfed her into a bone-crushing hug, all breath being squeezed out of her body. Unable to respond, she sheepishly froze, sitting there with her arms plastered to her sidesr. As Levi withdrew, Chi covered her cheeks with her hands, awkwardly, patting them in attempt to drain them of color.
"Uh," she mumbled, "I... don't really know how to respond to that... gesture."
"It's alright," was all Levi replied as he turned away sharply, his back facing Chi as he hunched over and covered his eyes with a hand. As Chi moved to look at him, she could see endless tears trickle down his cheeks and gently splatter against the wooden floorboards. Her own emotions bubbled up and she felt the need to cry as she watched this grown man do so.
But... why was he crying?
~~~~~
"Chisaki!" Levi screamed desperately as he shook her bloody figure in his arms, his ankles aching from impact of his two-story leap of faith. "You idiot... wake up! Wake up!" Frantic panic rose up like bile in his throat, dread eating its way through his guts. "Open your fucking eyes, you idiot! Idiot, idiot, IDIOT!"
Chi's head lolled to the side, her eyes still open as they gazed off to nowhere.
The moments passed like eternities as Levi knelt down on the blood-stained cobblestone, not bothering to be gentle as he shook the unmoving woman in his arms. He tried to break her out of dying.
"Wake up!" Levi screamed desperately.
Chi groaned, her eyes blinking to life—though only momentarily. "Levi...?"
"Chi?! CHI!" Gratuity suffocated Levi's lungs as he squeezed the half-dead woman in his arms, rocking back and forth on his knees as he buried his face into her sticky hair. "Chi, Chi—you're alive, you're alive..."
A strange sound, one that sounded similar to crackly barks, cut through the air like a knife as drops of rain began to fall from the saddened sky, gluing Levi's clothing to his steaming skin. It took him a moment to realize that the sound was coming from his lips, the sound more croaky than smooth, more heavy than light.
It was his laugh.
True, every here and there it was broken in a crack, for it had been far too long since he'd laughed like he did there, but the sound was like a beautiful song, his voice reverberating gloriously through the moment. He soaked in the sound—hell, he bathed in the pleasure of being able to laugh again, soaking in the way the happiness felt so light in his chest, the way the happiness settled into his heart and made its home; he welcomed the feeling with open arms, hoping to cling onto it for the rest of his unpredictable life.
It was only when Chi's pleads reached his ears that he stopped laughing hysterically; his stomach had even began to cramp and hurt from the amount of chuckles that had bubbled from his lips recklessly.
"Levi... Levi, no..." He was shocked to withdraw and find tears beaded in the corners of Chi's eyes, pain written across her entire face. "Levi, I want to die. Please, let me die." All color drained from Levi's face quicker than a bolt of lightning striking the earth.
"Chi, why the hell would you want to die?!" Levi protested, tightening his hold around her limp body. "You're special to me, you're mine, you're so... so precious, so why would you want to die now?!"
His hand found its way over to hers, and though it was slick with blood, he tightly wove their fingers together. "You... you have to become my wife... you have to marry me..."
"Levi, I—I want to... I love you, Levi—"
"Marry me, Chisaki Matsumoto." He leaned down once to press his lips against hers, but he tensed when he felt they were frighteningly cold. "I can't live without you. Marry me. Become mine. We'll have a family together. We'll live together. The titans will be long gone! We'll have a child like Malorie. We'll protect her together. We'll be together. Chisaki, I love you, but you can't, you can't leave me like this!"
Tears sprang to his eyes as he felt her faint pulse weaken, steadily falling slower and softer by the dreaded moments. "No, Chi! Chi! No! DON'T FUCKING LEAVE ME, YOU IDIOT! I LOVE YOU!" His arms shook her harder as the light in her eyes dimmed, darker and darker until they looked almost... brown. "PROMISE ME YOU'LL MARRY ME! I PROMISE YOU I WON'T LEAVE YOU AGAIN! CHI, I L—"
"I p—promise. Levi... I'm sorry. I... l—love... you..." A small chuckle escaped her lips but was sealed in a guttural hack that spurted mounds of blood from between her lips. Her pulse was nearly gone, a smile still painted on those very lips. "I f—finally got t—to hear y—you—" But from that point on, the last of her strength disappeared and her lips could only move weakly to mouth, "...laugh."
And her frail body went limp.
Everything that happened next was a blur.
It was just like that time on the roof, when Levi screamed her name with a gut-wrenching cry of complete and utter agony—but this time, it was filled with rage. He screamed to the heavens with loathing; how could they do such a cruel thing to a woman with such a pure heart? How could they curse her this way? Tears streaked down his cheeks as his storm eyes glared up to the crying skies with hatred, blaming the wretched titans for their fault at her reason for death.
If the titans had only never existed...
If Levi had only eradicated them soon enough...
If Levi had only made the right choice...
"Levi! Levi, oh, Levi," Hanji's voice cut through his and two pairs of arms lifted Chi away, another set tugging him away from Chi's unmoving body with incredible strength. No matter how hard he thrashed, no matter how hard he kicked, they would not let go, and he could only get one last glance at Chi's dead smile as Hanji's voice screamed in his ears.
Finally, when Chi was gone, Hanji released Levi, panting. Her chest heaved as she wiped away the beads of sweat on her forehead; they mixed with the drops of rain that were still falling; the rain mixed with the tears that dribbled down Levi's face.
"I'm so sorry," Hanji whispered, her own cheeks caked in tears. "Levi, I—I'm so, so sorry."
But all Levi could do was crumble to his knees and pound his fists against the cobblestone, his voice hoarse from screaming. But he continued to curse the skies, sobbing for the aching of his haunted soul, of his broken heart.
~~~~~
"Oi, Chi," Levi sighed as he wiped away what he hoped was the last of his tears, turning back to the woman. She had been inspecting him closely the entire time, and she hadn't really realized it until he turned her way.
"Yes, Levi?" she answered carefully.
"Do you remember the promise you made me?" His voice dropped to a whisper. "Do you remember what you promised me before you... fell asleep?"
"Promise?" Chi repeated, her eyebrows scrunched together as she tried to sort out her thoughts. "What promise?"
"...It's nothing."
And he turned away again as more tears fought to surface, but now they were even harder to suppress. Levi's heart hurt so badly, he failed to suppress the sobs that wracked his chest. Chi could no longer stand aside and settled with rubbing his back as tenderly as he could, but even she knew: even though her mind was broken, he was in a state where he would not...
Where he could not...
Be repaired.