Angel
"Angel everything's gonna be fine..." Stephanie and Dave coached me as we stood outside the restaurant I was supposed to meet my mother at.
It's been two weeks since everything happened and my mother wanted to meet with me ASAP, but I told her I wanted to wait until I was ready. I found out that after she relocated to Georgia, she moved again recently to New York to try to find me.
As Dave and Stephanie walked me into the diner, we sat down at a booth. My legs was shaking. My nerves were all over the place as they both reassured that everything would be okay.
After 15 minuets of waiting for her, I got up. "Y'all, I can't do this..." I stated walking away.
"Angel?..." I stopped in my tracks.
I turned around and was met with a beautiful brown skinned woman.
We locked eyes. I looked at her. She was still as beautiful as I remembered. She still looked the same, just a little more mature. Still as fashionable as ever.
"Angel... I-It's me... Caroline." I just looked at her. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. The only thing I could do was think.
She walked up to me and pulled me into a huge hug and squeezed me tight. I was thrown off. My mother never hugged me. She never showed any affection towards me. I didn't move. I didn't hug her back.
I closed my eyes taking in her White Diamond perfume that I loved to smell as a kid.
She pulled back and touched my face. "Ohhh you have a little bundle of joy! Awe... You're just as beautiful as I remember..." She smiled as tears rolled down her face, messing her nicely done makeup up.
"Um we're going to give you guys some time alone..." Stephanie spoke up. "Angel we'll be right over there okay?" David pointed to the booth that was directly across the room. I nodded my head as they walked away.
"You wanna um sit?" She gestured to me. I sat down in the booth and she sat across from me.
She stared at me and I stared at her.
God it was like I was looking at myself in the mirror...
"How've you been?" She smiled at me. I just put my head down. She sighed and put my hands in hers.
"Angel, I know why we're here. I know you're a busy woman and I'm not going to waste any of your time. I just want you to hear me out..." Her voice cracked.
"I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant with you. My mother was on drugs and she was very abusive towards me, so was my father. When I told her, she nearly beat me to death. I almost lost you... Your father thought that it was best if we run off together. I didn't have any money and I was out of options. So, I chose to go with him. That was the worst decision of my life... We got an apartment, and everything was fine for a minute. Throughout my pregnancy, I noticed him change... He was fidgety all the time. And he has these insane mood swings. It only got worse after I had you."
"One night, I walked in on him snorting cocaine. We argued about it and he left. I didn't know where he went or what he was doing. Later that night, I got a call from the county jail saying that he was locked up for sexually assaulting some little girls. But before I bailed him out, I went down there and visited him. He cried to me saying that if I got him out, he would change and he would stop doing drugs and all this other shit. I made him promise that he would never hurt you. He promised. And unfortunately, he broke it."
"Everything was okay for a while. Up until you turned 6... I noticed your dad start to fall back into those same patterns: being very fidgety and crazy mood swings. I came home one night from work and I walked into your room to check on you... You were hiding under your bed... You were so scared to come out. After about 20 minuets of letting you know it was okay to come out you finally did. You said to me, 'Mom he hurt me.' And I said 'Who hurt you?' You said 'Daddy. Daddy hurt me...' My heart dropped... I then asked you 'Hurt you like what?' You said 'He hurt me mommy..' I said 'Where? Where did he hurt you?' You then pointed to your private parts. That's when I saw the blood all over your pants and shirt."
"I cried and grabbed you and put you in the tub. After I tucked you into bed, I went up to our bedroom. I walked in and just as I suspected, he was snorting lines of cocaine. I asked him if what you were telling me were true. He told me yes and asked me what I was going to do about it... I said that I was going to leave and go back to my mother. Me and my mother had been talking. She reached out to me saying how sorry she was and begged me to come back home. She said she felt as though something was going to happen... Being with my mother wasn't good, but it was better than being there with him."
"Once those words flew out my mouth, he slapped me. He beat me up, punching, kicking, and clawing at my face. After he was done doing that, he picked me up and took me over to the small table that was in our bedroom. He put my face down in the lines of crack and told me to sniff it. After I refused, he slammed my head down on the table and it went up my nose. He made me sniff all of it... And that's how my addiction started. After a couple of nights of him doing that, I became addicted to it... I loved how it made me feel nothing. It took me a long time to get off of it."
I was shocked. I never knew my mom was on drugs.
"I stayed on it up until your father was put in jail. I decided to fake my death, because I didn't want to bring you anymore pain. I visited him in jail and told him that if he ever saw you again, to give you my number... I went back to my mother to get help... When your father went away, I then realized everything I did and put you through. Everything I allowed to happen to you. I was heart broken."
"Being around the devil himself, I quickly became one. People are right when they say be careful who you sleep with, because their demons will latch on to you. Now I'm not trying to put the blame on your father or the drugs or what happened in my childhood. This was my fault.I take full responsibility for it all. I put a man over my child. I put drugs over my child. I failed you as a mother... I did. And I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself." I burst into tears. She gripped my hands tighter.
"I would love to show you that I've changed if you let me. I want to introduce you to the real me. The person who I was before I met your father."
"I-I don't know Caroline... You hurt me a lot. And what kills me is that I STILL loved you even when I wanted to hate you. I never could... That shit effected me a lot! I stayed in an abusive relationship for years! I went back to him and he ended up raping me! I could never let go of him! If it wouldn't have been for that man over there, I would've never left him!I'm that way because of you!" I pointed at Dave as I cried.
"I'm so sorry..." She whispered as she cried. "I totally understand if you don't want me in your life and even if you never want to see me again... I want you to know that I truly am sorry... I want you to forgive me, but I understand if you don't. The same cycle happened with my mother, her mother, and the mother of her mother. Our family needs for you to break that cycle Angel..." She looked into my eyes.
"I-I don't know Caroline.. I don't know... You hurt me..." I stood up feeling like I was going to pass out. Dave and Stephanie stood up and walked over.
"Angel, if you decide to never see me again, can I please have one last hug? Please?..." Tears rolled down her face.
I looked at her for a minute. I slowly moved towards her. She wrapped her arms around me. I burst into tears into her shoulder. I gripped onto her, not wanting to let her go.
"I'm so sorry... I love you so much... I want you to go out and continue to make the world better... I want you to be a great mom... Be better than I was... Never neglect them... A child needs their mother..." She whispered to me. Flashbacks of Chauncey flashed in my head.
As I was crying, I realized how important it was for a child to have it's mother in its life. Especially a little girl. Some mothers are physically there, but they're not there. And that's what hurts the most.
I pulled back from her and she touched my stomach, rubbing it a bit.
I held onto Dave and Stephanie as they walked me out the door. I looked back and stared at her the entire time. We didn't take our eyes off each other. Even when Dave drove away, we stared at each other until we were both out of each other's sight...
Hey you guys! I just want to say that forgiveness is very important. Yes it's okay to be angry and sad, but you can't stay there forever. You have to forgive. Even if they don't apologize. That's the first step to recovery.
Now if they do, it's up to you to decide if you want them to continue to be in your life from that point on or not.
That's why I tell you guys to calm down and think before you say how you feel because you never may know why that person are the way they are. Like everyone called Angel dumb and stupid when she allowed Amir back in. Yes, it may have been a stupid move, but she kept allowing him back in because of her mother. Everytime her mother betrayed her, she continued to love her. Sometimes love can hurt you.
Angels mother was that way because of her father and the demons she was battling.
I wrote this book to help the people who goes through or has went through these similar situations.
I have been through a situation similar to this with my own mother. At first I said, "Fuck her, fuck everything!" But as I went through life and got older, it continued to haunt me. And I realized why: I never forgave. I felt as though I never got an apology from anyone so how could I forgive? I had to forgive. It saved my life.
I hope this helps you...
I love you all ❤️ Vote and comment.
Oh and I've been seeing y'all comments about Jd calling him old and shit 🙄 Y'all gonna lay off my good sis Jaceyon 😭😂 Thats Zaddy! With his fine ass 😏 He may be 40 in this story, but he don't look over 27 😭
Did y'all know he was like 45 in real life? 😍