I sat on the sand looking out toward the beach. I didn’t cry, I just stayed motionless. It was like I couldn't move anymore. I was tired,tired of all the pain,tired of my screwed up life,tired of seeing my past. The feelings that I hid for 10 slowly came back. I sighed and shook my head. On the plane, I could have told him,but I couldn't. I bit my lip and placed my foot in the water. I kept walking. No I wasn't going to kill myself. I kept walking till it reached my knee. I stayed and stared in the sun. my eyes wanted to shed the tears,but I wouldn't let my emotions win over me.
Some of us in the world has lost someone in the world. It's been long,so long. It's like it was just yesterday. When we was on our way to the beach,to here. I smiled and stared at the sun. I know Layla mommy still trying to stay strong. I swallow the lump that was in my throat. Not now it's too early. Let me enjoy this moment. Damn I thought. I quickly wiped the tears and stared at the horizons. I tried to swallow back the tears,but they wouldn't stop.
“are you looking down upon me?”
“are you proud of who I am?”
I tugged my hair in frustrations and stayed in that complete spot. As I realized I could get skin cancer like this. I turned around in my spot. They have the worst timing ever. I looked past them and saw a small girl with milk chocolate long hair,green eyes,and creamy pale skin. She smiled at me. That was my baby girl. I blinked my eye and she was gone. I walked back toward the shore. Toward the spot she was at.
I kept walking. “Michelle,chellie,chell”they said,but I ignored them. I kept walking,continue walking. My walking sped up,i soon started lightly jogging,soon I ran. I ran across the street. I pass people as I walked toward the scene. I ignored the wet clothes I had on and ran. i ignored my throat thirst and kept running. My running kicked up. “Michelle!” Nathan yelled. I don't know where I was going,but I just kept running.
I heard a honking. I turned and saw a car coming at me. The car tires squealed as it burn rubber to stop. I was frozen. I was soon pulled away and I was wrapped in a hug.
“chellie why did you run?, you almost gave me a heart attack”. I stayed frozen unable to move. I heard more voices,but they just went out the other room. I don't know what happen. I just wanted to get away from here,from this dreadful place. They knew we was in a car accident,but I never told them it was here. My pulse quickened and my breaths came out in rapid short breaths. I couldn't breath. Everything was closing in. as I stared at the address on the street. Why did I run here?. I just wanted to get away,but I’m back to where it all started.
I closed my eyes as the screams from Kayla was heard. I can still feel the glass breaking. Layla screaming for dear life. It was never Henry fault. It was mine. I was her mother I was supposed to protect her,nurture her. I felt black spots appearing. I didn't want to leave, I don't want to leave her.
I open my eyes to see sunlight streaming through.
“your awake you scared me” his voice said.
I nodded as what happen hit my head.
“do they know Henry?”
“only your bro,but not the rest of them”
I nodded.
“are you hungry?,thirsty?”
“i just feel-
He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me. Even though we was divorced. We had a beautiful daughter named Layla. I wrapped my arms tighter around him.
“ do you still have Macy number?”
“yeah here you go”
I took the therapist card from him.
“ I’m sorry for scaring you like that I just saw,i thought,i saw and thought, I don't know maybe I am losing it”
My body felt heavy and I just wanted to sleep for so long. I felt like my body was shutting down.
“go back to sleep when you wake up take these”
“thanks”
I hugged him and laid back down onto the bed. I opened my eyes to hear pans falling. I groan and got up. I looked over to the pills and ponder on should I take it. I saw the prescribed bottle next to it. I looked at the pills that I stopped taking. I sighed and set it back down. I walked downstairs barefoot and followed the noise.
“morning”
Nathan jumped at my voice. He turned around and placed a hand on his heart. His eyes raked over my appearance. I know I must look like a mess. My clothes disheveled, my eyes must have bags, and-
“how are you?”
“okay”
“are you hungry?”
“no-
“come eat” he commanded.
I raised my eyebrow at his harsh voice. I really didn't want to argue with him now. I walked over to the table and sat down. He went over to the sink to wash the pots and pan.
“you know there's a dishwasher”
“ I know”
I nodded and fiddled with my hands. I got up from the seat. His head snapped toward me.
“where are you going?”
“to shower”
“when you return break feast will be on the table”
“thanks”
“no problem chellie”
I walked upstairs and toward my room and opened the drawer. I grabbed a towel and walked into the bathroom. I peeled off my clothes and avoid looking in the mirror. I got into the shower. After I finished showering. I brush my teeth. I wrapped a towel around my body and my hair. I walked toward the dresser and got my undergarments. I put on a Nike tank top and Nike shorts. I towel dried my hair. I combed and brushed it.
I got a scrunchy and placed it into a high ponytail. I laced up my Nike shoes. I wrote a note of where I was and stuck it onto the fridge. I placed another one on my dresser and dining room table. For if they don't see it the first or second time. I walked out the house and walked along the beach. I stretched and broke out into a light jog.
I wonder if I was doing the right thing by keeping it a secret from them all. I didn't need any more- I ignored the questions. I pumped my legs faster. As I felt the sand hit my legs. I felt free. As the bead of sweat formed on my forehead. I closed my eyes for a second. I just want this moment to stay forever. My heart pumped more for more blood. I breathe heavily and pushed harder. I saw a dock up ahead.
I clenched my fist and pushed the adrenaline harder. As I turned right onto the dock. I wish I had my bathing suit. I would love to go swimming. I sat down and laid my back onto the hot dock. I breathe in heavily to catch my breath. I felt the sun rays peeking in through the clouds. I smiled and opened my eyes. I felt at peace or isolated.
It feels good. I would love to go run every morning. Or swimming,or riding a bike. I swallow down the bile. After her death I use to exercise each and every morning. I either go to the gym,running,swimming,or anything that kept me in shape and isolated. I love this isolation,peace. I got up and stretch again. I jogged in place and started doing jumping jacks. I took a deep breath of air. I started jogging back.
Looks like I’m back to square one.