****TRIGGER WARNING******
I felt that I was less tensed and nervous. It was over. I sat down and exhaled long.
"A.J", Sung said towards me. I looked up and saw that she was smiling.
"I am looking forwards to your revolution. You did well today. If you need my help let me know. I am was wrong about you. You are a very interesting woman. I will give you an advice. The higher you go the more people will try to make you fall. Watch out for yourself and the others around you. I want to see you succeed because I feel like we all waited for someone like you. A game changer", she said grinning and left with her manager through the door.
"Thank you", I said and she waved goodbye.
The camera people packed up fast and left aswell. I turned to Doni who was talking to Anna. I walked over to them.
"Sir thank you. I appreciate that you came here and took time out", I said bowing.
"It was my pleasure. I am close with J and G-Dragon. They spoke highly of you and I offered to help out after the media started spreading these nasty rumours. I am a fan of you. My friends and I were amazed by your MAMA performance. It is time for me to head to work. I have to leave now. Coni is waiting for me", he said packing up and left.
Anna walked back to the living room with me and J and Simone starting applauding.
"Well done!!!", they screamed excited.
These guys have been here the whole time watching the stream. I sat on the couch and rubbed my neck.
"I hope that this witch hunt stops. I hope that some people saw this ns changed their mind about me", I said sighing.
J and Simone started giggling like little kids. They were hiding something.
"What?", I asked them sitting up.
"I am sure tons have watched it. We might have all tweeted about it and rented some billboards", J said looking to the side.
"YOU DID WHAT??", I screamed in disbelief.
"SHHH WE DID WHAT WE WANTED", Simone shouted back and smirked so wide.
These guys are impossible. I mean I wanted to get my name washed clean again but they are risking a lot themselves in getting involved in me publicly. By now I knew that I could not hold them back and try to tell them what they should do or not. After all they are adults and they consider me family. Just thinking of the coast to rent the billboards gets me dizzy. At least I am happy that the interview went well and there was no major misunderstanding. It is now up to the society to decide who they want to believe. Anna got her laptop out and started to get back to work. J and Simone fell asleep on the couch soon after and I did not dare to wake them up. I myself worked on the songs for my album. Now that I knew that I wanted certain people to feature on I have to adjust the lyrics a bit. Annas phone started ringing suddenly and she picked up. Soon after Simones and Js phone started buzzing constantly which woke them up.
"You guys are busy", I said smiling and working away. Anna was still on the phone and did not say any word yet. She stood up from her seat and walked away to talk in private. Simone an J looked through their phones and stared at each other with blank faces.
"Is everything ok Oppa?", I asked unsure.
For some reason this reaction was unnatural for them. I have never seen them shocked. Anna came running into the room and turned on the TV while still being on the phone.
"Anna what is...", I started to ask her but she just pointed at the TV.
There was a live stream of Seoul and there were different idols and citizens who were talking about my interview. All of them said the same "She was mistreated and we are sorry" or "She is the voice of this generation". My jaw dropped and I was speechless. So it was all over now? Just like that.
The reporter then showed a small video of people stopping and watching my live stream and bowing towards the screen when Sung did it. That was the biggest sign of respect you can get. Simone got a hold of my laptop and logged onto all SNS sites.
"Look you are trending. Everyone is talking about you. Our phones are buzzing because of all the notifications about you", he explained and showing me all the comments. I was the hot topic and they said nice things and expressed their gratitude that I am speaking up for them.
Anna hung up and sat down again.
"They all want to interview you and have you on their show", she said still shook from the instant response.
I was trying to comprehend what was going on myself. That is the power of media these days. They make and break you depending whether they want to or not. People are so easy taking position and judge you based on empty accusations and when you hand them evidence about you being innocent they retreat and say they are sorry.
"I will think about the interviews. It does not feel right to do them now. I will not take advantage of this wave. That is not me", I explained and Anna smiled. She knew me well and probably declined the offers.
All my friends and family texted me or sent me an E-Mail about the great interview and congratulated me. There was nothing to congratulate on if you ask me since the necessity in doing this was a pain. People kill people just because jealousy and greed and envy. It seemed wrong to me that I was praised for the interview. We just went back to work mode after the break and I focused on my album project. J and Simone fell back asleep on the couch. By now I think they secretly have moved in or so. They hang around a lot at my place. I was not complaining but I was asking myself whether they are not busy with their work these days and whether they just put the focus on me. Some hours passed and Anna woke them both up since they had promised her to drop her off home. They left around 6pm and I fell asleep on the couch myself.
I woke up by the door bell ringing and I walked half asleep to the front door. It was 8pm. Who on earth could that be? G and Taeyang use the spare keys they had and the others would text that they are coming. I opened the door and saw two police men and John at my door. Seeing them woke me up immediately and my gut told me that them being here is not good. There was something wrong.
"Are you A.J Miss?", one of the police officers asked me.
"Yes that is me. Has something happened?", I asked uneasy.
They both exchanged a look and turned to me.
"We would request you to follow us to the station. We need your help with something", they said with a serious tone.
I looked at John and he seemed as clueless as me. Wordlessly I grabbed my coat, put some shoes on and grabbed my phone and keys.
"Ok but John Oppa will come along. He is family", I said and the police men nodded. We followed the police car with Johns car.
"Do you have any idea what this can be about?", John asked me when we parked up the car at the police station.
I shook my head.
"No idea. But my gut tells me that it is not good. Something has happened", I said serious.
The two police men waited for us and we walked into the station together. They led me to a small office room and handed me an envelope which was adressed to me ("To A.J"). John had to wait outside the room to his dismay.
"What is this?", I asked them.
"We have received a call around 6 pm from a lady about some weird noises in the apartment above her. We went over there and found a death man on the floor. The cause of this death was an overdose of pills according to the doctors. He took his own life. This man had placed the letter on the table with a note for us police men. For investigations we had a look at the letter. We can exclude that it was murder and can confirm that it was sadly suicide", one of the men told me.
My stomach turned and I felt sick. I was wondering who it was. I felt numb and shocked.
"Who is it?", I whispered silently. They had heard me.
"Do you want to see?", they asked me unsure and I nodded.
My legs followed them out of the room and John was asked to remain where he was. He looked worried at me. We walked down the staircase and into a cold room. There was a doctor writing up something on the laptop and the smell of disinfection agents stung in my nose. They both led me to one of the tables and there was a man lying on it. He was pale and when I reached the table I could not believe my eyes. It was my first friend Tai.
"We are sorry for your loss Miss", both of them said. I nodded. I looked at his face which seemed so peaceful. I started at him hoping that this was a complete joke. That this was a dream.
"We have informed his family and they will arrive soon", the police man explained and I nodded.
"Ok. If there anything I can do let me know please", I stuttered.
My mind was still not comprehending what happened. They decided to get me out of the room and I left them my contact details. I made my at out of this suffocating place. I felt drained and cold as if I was thrown into cold water. John followed me wordlessly out of the building and into the car. He did not ask what happened. I still had the letter in my hand but I could not bring myself to read it yet. He started the engine and faced me.
"Where to? Home?", he asked worried.
I shook my head.
"Hills", I whispered and he understood right away. The whole drive I was mindlessly staring out of the window. What did I miss? Why did he do it? Was I not paying attention? We had not met each other for a while. This can not be real. This can not be real.
"We are here", John said and I was brought back to the here and now. I looked around and indeed we had arrived in the underground parking lot of the Hills. I nodded and got out of the car. John followed me as we made our way up to BTS apartment. My legs knew the way to their dorm whereas my mind was still processing what I just saw and heard.
I rang the door bell and soon I was hugged my Tae who had opened the door.
"Noona!! I am so happy you are here. Long time no seen", he said still hugging me.
Jimins head popped out and he joined the group hug. I did not say anything and forced myself to smile but I could not. I was frozen inside.
Tae dragged me along into the living room and my legs followed him. John came inside with us but stayed close to me. I was greeted by all the members who were playing some games except Jungkook who was not nowhere to be seen. It was like in a slow motion movie. I could not understand what they were saying and the noise level was high. My head started hurting.
Where was Jungkook?
"Jungkook", I whispered silently and Yoongi looked at me worried. In that moment Jungkook joined us in the living room. His hair was wet and he complained about the noise level and laughed until he spotted me standing in the room staring at him.
He half ran to me and looked at me. He knew that something had happened. I looked at him unable to say anything.
"A.J? What happened?", he whispered so that only I could hear him. His eyes never leaving mine and his hand cupping my face. I looked down and tried to say what had happened but my voice was gone.
"He looked so peaceful. He looked so peaceful. Like he was sleeping", I said choking up. I paused.
"Tai...is dead...", I said trembling.
"He committed suicide", I whispered.
Saying these words did not seem real to me. Jungkook knew who Tai was since we had talked about him on several occasions and he knew that he was a close friend to me. Jungkook wrapped his arms around me and in that moment I realized that it was real. I started crying and sobbing. It hurt so bad. He was important to me and I felt like I had done him wrong. I should have been there for him. How can I live with myself? John said something to Jungkook and left. I cried and cried and Jungkook just held me in his arms.
"I am so sorry", he whispered and I could hear him choking up aswell.
My heart felt so heavy and my mind was empty. I had never lost anyone. It feels like the whole world was breaking into pieces. I felt sick and helpless. I should have been there for him and now it is too late to help him. He is gone.
The rest of BTS was silent. Jungkook led me to the couch and sat me down. I bundled up and sat there still crying while he was wrapping his arms around me.
"Tai Hyung is dead. He was her first friend and an important person for her. He committed suicide", Jungkook explained to the rest of BTS. The reactions all varied from disbelief, sorrow to pity. My tears dried and I felt so empty.
I looked at the envelope in my hand and stared at it. Why would he write me a letter at all? Why did he not call me and talk with me before taking this drastic step? Jungkook saw the letter and looked at me. I gave him the letter since I was not able to read it myself. My hand was trembling. He placed a kiss on my head and took the envelope.
"Should I read it out loud?", he asked me and I nodded.
He opened the envelop carefully and unfolded the letter carefully. Jungkook took a deep breath and started reading:
"Dear my beloved A.J,
When you read this letter I will have left this earth and reunited with my friend Young Lee. I was not able to hold my promise that I gave you and him. I am sorry for being such a bad friend. This is not your fault at all and I do not want you to shed any tear over me. Remember me in the good old days we had and not like a cowered that escaped life because that is what I did. This industry was getting the best of me and meeting you was the best thing that happened to me. You kept me going for so long and I tried my best to become better. I am proud of what you achieved and I will be rooting for you from where I am. I will tell Young Lee about you when I meet him and we will watch over you.
Life was hard and living was a burden for me. I was tired for so long and that is why I decided to end my book here and set the dot myself. Do not think of me less and I hope that you can forgive me for doing this selfish thing. I done you wrong and I am sorry. I hope you can understand me and maybe in a different life we can meet again. I was broken long before you came into my life.
You have a long way to go and I want you to live life to the fullest. I am happy that you found your home and the love of your life. Sadly I was not able to meet that lucky person in person but I know that he is fortunate to have you. I was too. Promise me that you will make a difference in this industry and change things for the better. This is my last selfish wish. I wanted to keep going and see you succeed and maybe see you up on stage but I was not strong enough. I am sorry...Really sorry for being selfish.
You will remain my only true friend in the life that I left behind. Please do not cry too much over me. I am free. Finally free...
Your friend,
Tai"
Hearing these words made me even more sad. How can I not cry over him?
"Stupid Tai", I whispered and started to cry again.
Jungkook had tears in his eyes aswell when he read that letter and the rest of the boys started sobbing aswell. I wish they had met him.
"I promise Tai. I will change this hell you were in", I said wiping away my tears.
I faced Jungkook.
"I want to host the funeral. I want to do this last thing for him. A farewell", I said weakly.
"I will help you", he said placing another kiss on my hair.
I closed my eyes and fell asleep in his arms. When I closed my eyes the dream returned. I was at a grave yard. This time I was looking at me from far away. I was crying and on my knees. Who was buried there? I stepped closer and looked at me and then the tombstone...Tai's tombstone. So I my subconscious saw this coming just like when that incident happened to TOP. I reached out for the me standing there in front of his grave but I couldn't touch me. I was like a ghost. In the next fraction of the dream I found myself at a funeral like last time. The scene was the same and this time I could see who had died. It was Tai. He was laying peacefully in his coffin and the people around me were crying and sobbing. I was observing and found a me again starring at the coffin and not saying a word. I had a blank face and was trying to hold myself together. Why was I this cold? Emotionless?
"WHY are you like this??? CRY! SCREAM! Mourn you stupid woman. He was your friend!!", I shouted at myself but it was useless. Instead I started to cry and scream but I was just a ghost. No one took notice of me. It was frustrating and I felt like I am breaking into million pieces... the ghost that was just watching and not the me at the funeral.
The dream started to replay over and over again and my emotions were draining me. It hurt every time I was watching these sequences over and over again.