"Sky, sky, hey wake up."
"What do you want May-bear? I was sleeping."
"Sky why didn't you wake up? Why did you fall back asleep? "
"What? What are you talking about? I am awake."
"Now it's too late. Time doesn't go back. You are late."
"Late for what? May you are scaring me."
"Late for me, for you, for everyone in this family. You didn't say goodbye."
"Stop, just stop, I don't understand."
"Oh you do, but now it's too late. You just let me leave like that. How heartless of you."
A tear falls down her cheek from her bright green eyes and she looks at me with disappointment. She doesn't scream happiness and beauty like she used to. She is like...a ghost.
"People are right to think that you are cold hearted, with no emotions, shallow, a monster."
Now tears were threatening to spill from my eyes, pain ripping through my heart. I close my eyes shut and cover my ears with my hands.
"Stop, no. You don't know what you are talking about. I'm not a monster, no. I feel, I have a heart. And it fucking hurts."
When I open my eyes again she's not longer the green eyed girl with black hair, exactly the same as mine. No. Now in front of me is a twisted image. It's still bailey, but her eyes are emotionless, wide open, dead. Her hair is a tangled mess. Her body isn't anymore healthy, fit, the one that made every boy follow her everywhere. No, now it was ripped apart, bones sticking out, scratches and pieces of glass in it. She was no longer wearing the summer dress covered in flowers. No, now she was just wearing a white one, filled with her blood, dripping from everywhere.
I close my eyes once again and the image fades. When I open them again my parents stand in front of me. I can't hear them but they look angry. They don't notice me. They're too concentrated on their fight. They are yelling at each other, no sound reaching my ears. I just see their angry features, rage and sadness filling their eyes, once filled with happiness and love. And then everything comes in all at once. The sound, the piercing yelling, the cries.
I close my eyes. Silence. I open them. He is standing in front of me. Rage. He is red from the shouting. He is holding an empty bottle of beer. Hundreds more are on the kitchens counter. He takes a step towards me and I take a step back. He becomes angrier. The first hit comes. I don't feel it. I just see his hand landing on my cheek. And then again, with more force, then he grabs me. I'm on the floor. A kick. I don't feel anything, I just observe him. The bottle is no longer on his hands. It's smashed on my sides. And suddenly, I feel everything. The agonizing pain, again and again and again.
I scream.
Waking up, I realize I'm screaming, tears running down my face, I can still feel the pain.
My head is spinning, cold sweat running from my forehead and my chest.
My chest aching, I can't breath.
The sound of my door opening.
I freeze, terrified.
It's Alec.
I sigh.
Everything spins, a voice, panicking, asking if I'm okay.
I'm not.
Suddenly I stand up and run to the bathroom. I know what is about to happen. I sit on the floor and vomit.
A presence behind me. He comes and pulls my hair back, holding it. He strokes my back.
After I finish I stand up, flash the toilet and approach the sink. I splash cold water I'm my face. I'm starting to feel better, at least like I'm not dying. I close the faucet and lean on the sink. Take a breath in, and another one, and again.
He attempts to take my hand, but I flinch and take various steps back. He looks at me.
Doesn't try again. He leads me to my bed and I lay down, my back pressed on the bed stand.
"Are you okay?" He starts but shakes his head at himself. "Never mind, stupid question."
I don't even turn to look at him. I can't feel anything right now. Just void.
"Sky, please." His voice soft filled with concern. I find the courage to make myself look up at him. His green eyes troubled.
Green eyes.
Just like hers.
I close mine.
"Make it stop, it hurts make it stop." By now I am a crawled ball on the bed, my head is on my knees and I'm covering my ears with my hands.
"Hey, it's okay, it's okay." He says soothingly but I shake my head. "No, it's not." I whisper, barely audible.
"It will be.I'm here. With you. You're not alone." His voice is gentle, calming me, and after a few moments I open my eyes and lean my head back.
I sigh.
Stay strong Sky. It's just another nightmare. You're stronger than that. C'mon.
"Thanks." I mutter and he shakes his head.
"Don't even." He looks down at me and his presence here has a weird effect on me. It calms me, making me feel safer.
"Try to sleep again." He says softly but I shake my head.
"No." I'm never able to sleep after a nightmare. Especially if it is so bad that I throw up.
"Sky..." he starts but I cut him off, admitting a truth that I hadn't the courage to tell even to myself.
"I'm scared." I mumble and I'm not sure he heard it but the look in his eyes tells me that he did. He stands there awkwardly so I move a bit to my right, patting the spot on the bed next to me. "Stay, for a while, I don't want to be alone." He doesn't think it a lot before laying down on the empty spot next to me.
"You know," he starts " I always thought of you as someone who is fearless, that nothing could stop you or get in your way." I laugh bitterly at his statement.
"I wish. God, I'm terrified, I'm always terrified." I sigh and he shakes his head.
"Well, then that's fearless too, being terrified but keep going, despite all these things that scare you to death. I wish I were like that." I turn to look at him in the dark room, barely making out his features.
"What are you talking about? You are Alec lightwood, I don't think that I've ever met anyone stronger than you." He lowers his eyes.
"Just because I fight demons doesn't mean I am a strong person. By the angel, I am one of the weakest people I know." I frown.
" I call bullshit on that. Stop getting yourself down, you deserve much more." He turns to look at me and there is gratitude mixed with something else in his eyes, an emotion I can't understand.
He stays like that looking me for a while before deciding to break the silence. "Can I ask you a question? If you don't want to answer I get it." A take a breath in and nod.
"Who is M-may?" And here it is. The bomb, destroying everything in it's wake.
"Was." I correct him.
"May was my sister."
When I finally get to say this words, it doesn't really feel like I thought it would. It hurts, that's undeniable, but there is also a feeling of relief inside of me. Like I shared a little bit of my weight with someone else. When I look at him, he sits with his head in his hands, shaking it furiously.
"God, fuck, I..." he pauses for a moment to recompose himself and continues. "I'm such a douchebag... saying all those things this morning, oblivious to everything."
"Hey, don't think like that. I don't blame you for anything. You couldn't have known."
"No but I should now better that everyone is struggling with his own problems, more important than mine." He sighs." I'm not gonna say I'm sorry, I know that it won't bring her back." I furrow my eyebrows at him confused.
"Everybody keeps saying that they're sorry, like that is going to change anything. I'm sorry too. More than anyone. People don't actually understand how frustrating is that. Pretending that an apology can fix things, it doesn't change anything wether you're sorry or not."
"I do, I get it." I look at him, the mystery that comes with the boy with the sarcastic look and green eyes, and I wonder, who is really Alec lightwood? What is he going through?
"Do you mind my asking how it happened?" He breaks the silence. "You know, about M -your sister." I notice his inability to say her name, the flinching in his face every time it's mentioned, and it reminds me of me.
"No, uhm... I was thirteen at the time. And she was about eighteen. Despite our big difference we were very close. We shared everything, from the same room and clothes, to the same thoughts and dreams." My voice breaks a little and I take a minute to rewind.
"It was just a normal day, a Saturday, she left to go to her dance lesson. She never came back." He gives me a look of sympathy, not like he feels sorry for me, like he understands me. "There was...an accident, a...uhm,-" he places his hand reassuringly on top of mine.
"It's okay, if you can't-" I shake my head.
"No, no I've got it. So...a drunk driver hit her with his car." I hear him take in a sharp breath from beside me and I master up all my strength to keep going.
"They said it was an instant death. What the hell does that mean anyway? An instant can be a second or five or ten or even a minute. The crushing pain that she must have felt while her bones crushed and her lungs collapsed into her rib cage..."my down lip quivers.
"It was her?" Alec asks me gently stroking my hand. "In the memory?" I nod.
" You know, you look like her." I laugh bitterly.
"Probably a hell of a lot more damaged. She was beautiful, her face radiated happiness and life."
He looks at me. "And you? " I sigh.
"I'm just me. Damn, I look like a fucking ghost, pale, sad, just dead. How ironic...she looked alive and I look dead, it's twisted, really."
He shakes his head and looks at me with a sincere expression.
"I don't believe that. You don't look dead Sky. You look like there's a fire inside of you, burning brightly, I think you look more alive than anyone else. Because that's life, pain and it's okay."
Sitting here I discover a side of Alec that I never thought existed.
He is not anymore a grumpy boy, fighting demons and turning off his emotions. I could read every emotion plastered on his face. And they were many. Too many, a complete confusion, a tangled mess.
"My turn now." I announce causing him to raise his eyebrows in confusion. "I have a question for you." He nods, motioning for me to continue.
"Why?" I ask him and the older boy seems lost. "Why do you act like that every time you hear that name. Her name." I explain him and realization hits him and he widens his eyes.
"Uhm....I-" noticing his struggle I interrupt him. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to."
"No, you did, now it's my turn."
I shake my head at him.
"I told you because I trust you. If you tell me, I don't want it to be because you feel obligated to. I want it to be for the same reason."
He nods and runs his hand through his hair. "I do, I trust you."
"Okay." I whisper.
"That name, it belonged to someone I cared deeply about." He starts pain visible in his eyes. "She was my best friend, we grew up together, she was like....a sister to me."
I close my eyes, my heart aching for him. God, this coincidence is...
"fuck." I matter and he nods, "yeah. Um...she...we..." I squeeze his hand which is still intertwined with mine, to encourage him to continue.
He takes a breath and starts again." We were on a mission one day, like 4 years ago...there was a mix up and things got completely fucked up. There were some mundanes there...and for a moment our runes stoped working due to a warlocks spell, and they saw us with weapons and everything and a panic broke....she got distracted...a demon, it bit her. I couldn't draw the heeling rune on her... it didn't work."
And in that moment, the mystery that I considered Alec lightwood to be, it just faded away. It untangled in a way that everything made perfect sense. And I sat there with my heart breaking for him.
"God, how fucked up are things?" I ask him and he shakes his head. "Very." I nod and my hand starts shaking a bit but he holds it tighter and strokes it making me relax and find strength to talk again. "We are too young to feel this way. Shit, I mean, I haven't even graduated high school, and my life is this huge mess. And I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. I'm seventeen and there is this future ahead of me and I don't know what to do with it. And you, you're eighteen and they're trying to get you to marry someone. They don't even give us the chance to live."
And he doesn't even know half of the story. Only about May. He stays there for a moment looking at the wall and then turns to look at me, his green eyes meeting my grey ones.
"I remember being happy, really happy, and the memories are clear, like it was yesterday. And it fucking hurts."
I shake my head." At least you remember it. I can't even tell you what happiness feels like anymore. It's like everything starts after her death. And I was thirteen years old back then. And after, it's just pain and then nothing at all."I don't have the courage to look at him while saying those things, things that I've never dared to say to anyone else except Adam.
"You know what Sky Walker? I really admire you for your strength." He says softly and a warm feeling fills my chest. But then it fades.
You wouldn't, I think, not if you knew everything.
But I don't say it, instead I lay my head on his shoulder, close my eyes and whisper "I could say the exact same thing about you, Alec lightwood."
And then after a few moments of absolute silence, I fall asleep.