☆ CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE! ☆
021. the cruellest trick
|| OCEAN EYES ||
❝ you really know
how to make me cry,
when you give me
those ocean eyes.❞
➳➳
I REALISED TWO important things as I walked continuiously through the jungle.
It could of been more, I had enough time to create an entire new world if I hadn't focused so much on the two revelations; there was so many steps that I could of used to count anything to do with my survival, perhaps even to track the very things I was searching aimlessly for, and yet I didn't.
I really didn't feel like it- not when the two things that sprung to mind were so prevalent.
The first, conceivably less important, was that no matter how much I disliked the little group of people that I had been stuck to, it was entirely better than being alone. Being alone was the most chaotic feeling I had ever had- in the two occasions I had been in the Hunger Games I had never had to really feel the fear that struck every muscle I had when I heard a noise alone. It was almost paralyzing- so exhausting that I took breaks simply to try and stop the worry that would of taken over and left me almost disarmed. I trusted my skills, that wasn't the problem- the problem was how far I would go if I was given the chance.
I didn't get the luxury of rest or the possibility of sleep; there was no way that I could let myself drift into a calming tranquility when everything could kill me. There was nobody else I could run in front of, and not a soul that could slash away the mobs if they became too much, which meant that even my exhaustion was tired.
The second of the two was simpler than the first; I was wrong to ask for a little bit of peace.
I was convinced that the silence would be more comforting than a constant rustling and yet, when I realised that the entire jungle had become silent, it was worse. Now I felt like everything was just too quite to be good; instead of fear I felt like every move was powered by discomfort.
And with discomfort, thousands of comments that left me anxious or guilty piled on top of the physical fears.
My comments didn't look great on me, one person in particular- and what he had said back to me- made me want to never find the allies I had made. He said that I had missed something that he despiratly tried to tell me; with each passing discomfort I realised how many somethings he could of been referring to as he disowned my friendship.
There was one that stood out- one thing that Evelyn had told me moments before I even left to get on the plane.
In the silence I heard her as she stressed certain words in her final goodbye- mainly those that reminded me just how close we had become. I couldn't skip over the many times she called me a daughter, or the advice she had given to me about just how to end it all so Lilllian would be the least upset, but she told me something else. Something in passing that I didn't even let myself think about- something that she seemed to want more than anything.
As her hair fell in front of one of her two glassy eyes, she explained in detail what it was that she knew and I didn't.
"That boy loves you Lorna- he will do anything to keep you safe. And I know that somewhere in there you feel the same."
Did I? Did she really know something about myself that even I didn't truly accept- or had it been so long since I really had to think about it that I forgot what the difference was. I couldn't remember exactly what it did feel like when we talked without boundaries or death in the way; I couldn't remember if my heart pounded differently from when I talked to Johanna or Evelyn, or even Carmella.
Although, I realised rather quickly that it was like I was attuned to only hear him calling out for me, because that was what I wanted to hear. I heard it so many times that I assumed it was me, not an actual human being screaming my name from somewhere in the foliage- I thought I had finally lost my mind.
The voice that called for me only seemed to grow in my head, until it became real.
"Lorna!" The voice of Finnick rang out through the jungle; pained and panicked. It wasn't like the echoes I'd already heard, this time it felt horribly real as it bounced from tree to tree and then towards the floor and sky all at once.
"Lorna, help me!" Another voice screamed to the left.
This time it hit my body that it was real. It had been Lillian that time, her high voice was cracked and broken as she cried for me in the same way she used to call me when I wouldn't be able to move from my bed. I took off running towards the noise while I shouted back. I was begging that they hadn't placed Lillian in this Hell-hole with me, the fear I had felt before was a peaceful journey compared to this.
"Finnick!"
"Lorna please, please help me. LORNA!"
Finnick continued to scream with Lillian until I broke the tree line of the noise. Nobody was anywhere to be found, no matter how many times I whipped my head around to see if I could spot a little bit of hair or a pale but clean complexion.
"Lorna!" Remy's voice came out through the jungle now. His voice was as desperate as it had been when I found him on the floor; I searched every centimetre of the image I had until I spotted a bird up on the tree screaming out just like how Finnick had.
"Katniss!" It screamed out next. I screamed with it, trying my best to sound a little more human then the things that had been making my mind spin like tumbleweed.
I found uet another bird just a few meters down from the first one, a scream emitted from Katniss, or who I thought was her, afterwards as she tried her best to call out for her sister. A sister that had turned into a pile of feathers and harsh beaks- a sister that could imitate my own family scarily well.
"Katniss." I screamed out to her desperately. "Katniss it isn't real."
She didn't need to hear me to understand, instead all she had to do was take that final fatal step out from the tree and into the back of my suit. It ached, terribly, but as she fell with enough shock to being people back from the dead I realised that was the beat part of the scene I had walked into. She looked at me like I wasn't real- like how I glanced at the visions in my memories.
"Prim!" She was a broken record.
"Katniss, it's not your sister. It's just some stupid bird- they aren't here." I rambled to her in a somewhat normal volume as I gripped onto her shoulders. Shortly after I spoke, the bird landed on a tree that put him right in the war path of an arrow from Katniss's quiver. She didn't try to stand until it had hit the floor and the screaming left the jungle in silence once more.
She didn't let the silence last.
"You're dead. We heard you die." Katniss whispered before her eyes widened and she pushed me over onto the floor once more.
"You're a mutt. You're not the real Lorna." Katniss realised as she crawled to collect her bow. With her next kick, her foot went directly into my shoulder as I tried my best to crawl up from the softest part of the dirt. I whispered with the hit; I couldn't bring myself to grunt or scream.
She had drawn the string of her bow by the time another call erupted just meters away; this time Remy sounded more despirate then before.
Birds swooped down from all angles as I ran with Katniss behind me, each with a different loved one screaming out for help and suffering. Remy, Lillian and Finnick were everywhere, but none of them could match the power of Katniss's grunts as she tried her best to pull back her arrow and shoot- it would of been deafening if it hadn't stopped.
It truly would of left me without any of my senses if Katniss hadn't spotted Peeta in the far distance, and he hadn't of noticed me so violently. His eyes widened, then he called wordlessly for the others as he worked harder against the barrier that seemed to push Katniss and her anger right into me as it ricocheted off of such an invisible wall. Katniss ran right into it, pushing with all she had to touch her fiancé while I swatted the birds away.
Finnick and Johanna sprinted into view, only to stop once they spotted me like their allies had.
➳➳
Finnick dropped me by the sand gently.
As he did, his hands ran over each curve of my spine or ribs that protruded from my body as I stayed as I was when the birds descended so horrifically, only to stop once he got to my stomach. Then he let me fall onto the grains of sand that had built up heat from the artificial sun without even glancing where he was putting me, all because he couldn't seem to take his eyes away from my face, or the dried tear that had betrayed my otherwise emotionless state.
His eyes were raw as he looked at me with so much pain. He took a deep breath before he grabbed my hand again; his broad shoulders could of been my own personal shield that only allowed me to see the water brushed against the shore, and yet he tried more to make me feel as small as possible. That was what I wanted after all, to feel for once like I wasn't the largest monument in the room for people to take their shot at.
I couldn't thank him for his kindness, so I squeezed his hand as tightly as my fragile bones could manage.
"I thought you died- the cannon." Finnick muttered right onto my neck as he bent down to my level. His eyebrows had turned down at the edges as his mouth looked like it couldn't stop gravity anymore- even if his nose wrinkled up even higher as he used his thumb to wipe up some dirt that ended up on my forehead.
"Brutus."
"But the water-"
I couldn't continue reliving nightmares, so instead I just openly stared at the District 4 boy as I tried to pluck up enough courage to speak words that had more than one syllable in them. His hair was messy from running his fingers through it so much, he looked like he hadn't slept in days and the wrinkles in the corner of his eyes from smiling too much had been replaced with vessels for more sadness; yet he was still beautiful.
At least to me he was, after hearing him scream my name for so long.
He sighed as I squeezed his hand once more, a squeeze he return with just the right amount of pressure. "I thought that- and then we heard the cannon....... Sparky I'm so sorry."
He only stopped talking long enough to run his free hand down his face as it contorted in more pain. Then he started again with one run over his chapped lips.
"I thought you were gone and I didn't know what to do with myself. I had been so hard on you, and then you were dead."
"No." I brought myself to mutter. I imagined just how down my eyes would look as I glanced up at him through eyelashes that might as well have been ripped out, right as I trapped my bottom lip between my teeth. The first thing I thought of in the jungle came into my mind, and I took my chance.
"I thought it would make me better." I admitted as my voice cracked. Throughout all of my years of suffering, I had never felt as close or emotional as I did next to him, not after I thought I heard him so clearly.
"I thought that if I was the one to do it- if it meant something- that it would be better. I just wanted it all to stop; I've been seeing things for so long and I just thought that when they went away it would make me happy again. And then it happened and I felt so much worse."
My breath hitched in my throat as I tried to swallow a whole lot of unanswered questions down. Still, I didn't even think about closing up again after the cruellest trick had been pulled on us both- I had to finally let my secret go.
"It wasn't Katniss I was sacrificing myself for- not entirely." I admitted slowly. "I didn't want you to die Fish Face, I just wanted to keep your heart beating, even if it meant hating me."
Some kind of broken laughter bubbled up in my throat as I let myself glance at the sand instead of his face; a kind that only stemmed from hysterical stupidity. And yet Finnick pulled my head to his chest as he sighed once more, his hand resting against the back of my head like he was cradling it.
"It's ok." He said as he swallowed his own lump. "I could never hate you; it's all going to be ok."
When he placed a gentle kiss to my forehead I glanced up at him from his chest to catch his blue eyes. Eyes that looked like the ocean; eyes that I cherished more and more as I let myself believe that it was true for just one more second before reality could settle in.
He smiled. It was beautiful, like the sun was no longer artificial and could suddenly warm the highlights of my face so that the tears disappeared.
"I'm happy you're here. I thought you died before I could-"
Finnick abruptly stopped. He seemed to have caught himself before it all just tumbled out at once. Everything was quiet as I waited for him to finish; my head seemed to move futher up to meet his, while my eyes darted to his lips like he had done before.
"Could what?" I whispered, so quietly that only Finnick could hear it.
••••••••
3096 words.
Uhhh they are so
wholesome, and yet
I refuse to make
them kiss that easy.
That's right, as I edit
this book I'm taking
out and changing
Lornick's first kiss.
DUN DUN DUN.