A/N: Keep reading, dears.
Chapter 32 - Cross them off the list
I had spoken to Jack since that day, but briefly.
Ramona wanted to tag along on some days. And yes, she did get a shirt that had 'Jack' written on it: a purple shirt with gold letters, to be precise. The name was written diagonally. She had worn it the next time she came with me.
Jack was on his computer, writing a letter to someone. I stepped inside first, and he didn't even lift his eyes to see who it was. I was a bit disappointed to be ignored like that, but well, I didn't like Jack. In fact, I kind of disliked him because he reminded me of Howard, whom I hadn't seen for quite a while. I bet no one else would've seen anything that was similar to Howard, but I could. It was because I obviously missed him.
I didn't like missing him. I didn't like to think of apologizing, because I waiting for him to apologize.
Why had we even got into an argument? I tried to remember. Oh yeah, it was Jenna's birthday, and I had found out that some stranger wanted to go on a date with me, but really, the stranger was Jace, and he turned out to be just a guy who had taken the advantage to represent himself as the secret admirer. And Evan had said that second chances are for those who suffer and he had meant that I had to suffer. And I had, maybe not as much as I deserved, but I had.
I had zero romantic feelings towards Jace, but I did like Howard though.
All the confusion about guys was finally over: no Jace, no Joe, and no Evan (because he would never like me back), no Jack (who was handsome, but liked Ramona and I was happy for them). I only wanted one person's acceptance, one person's eyes staring into mine, one person's lips on mine.
Howard. I had to find him.
Anyways, I was telling a story here. So, I went in first, and Jack completely ignored me, but then when Ramona blessed the room with her existence, it felt like the place was holy.
She looked beautiful, more ravishing than the previous time and Jack's eyes shot up, burned holes in Ramona's new shirt, and the corners of his mouth curled.
"I like your shirt," he said, the smirk not wanting to disappear. He pushed his chair away from the computer and folded his arms.
"Well, yes, it has your name on it, like promised," she shrugged and walked closer. She traced her fingers along the counter and stopped. "Now I dare you to get a shirt with my name on it."
He let out a giggle, and then unfolded his arms. "Already done," he said. He was wearing a black long-sleeved shirt, Ramona's name in blue letters. "Blue, just like the stripes in your hair."
She felt uneasy.
"We almost look like a couple," she teased and brushed her hair from her face. "Almost."
He followed her with his eyes until she disappeared to the corridor. I stood there like I had been struck by lightning, unable to move. I felt uncomfortable with them flirting right in front of me. He noticed me staring. I thought he was going to yell at me or something, but then I said (and thank god I didn't stay there like a fool): "She likes spontaneity." A clue – I hoped he'd take it.
I went to the studio, she sat there, cheeks flushed, daydreaming.
"Looks like the cupid did his job." I sat opposite of her. "Probably hit you with two arrows."
"I'm not complaining," she said and sighed. It was love, disgusting, maddening, sticky love. I would've said 'like', but it doesn't hurt being dramatic.
"He's not, either," I mumbled and put my headphones on. I started making that day's playlist. For some reason (go figure), I didn't want songs about love.
"What?" She had left her daydreaming phase. "What did you say? What did you mean by that?"
"I'm sorry, but you seriously didn't notice?" I frowned. "He was mad-flirting with you."
"Well, yes, but isn't it what guys do? They sometimes flirt. It was playful; it doesn't have to mean something serious."
"Um, it's usually that people who are in a love-daze, think the other person crazy about them. Why are you different? And by that I mean, rational? How come..." I wanted to know. Even if it's not like you want it to be, you still imagine it to be like that – that the other person likes you back, but she was too down-to-Earth.
"Because I do that to guys, too?" She said hesitantly. "Not on purpose. Well, not always!" She tried to defend herself.
I understood her. Maybe I did that too and just didn't acknowledge it. So far, I had flirted with Joe, who I thought I really liked. He's with Maggie now, happily, I might add. Then with Jace, but he's not involved in my life that much, and I think that's completely okay. We could be friends.
Then, Howard. I had definitely flirted with him, and I had definitely liked him. And even though, I have said it, I will say it again – I still like him, a lot.
I don't remember other times.
"Okay, I can assure you, he's into you, and not to burst your bubble, but we have a show to manage," I said, and she nodded. Game on.
That day I made a statement. I talked it through with Ramona. (We had bonded a bit over the show. )
"Are you sure?" she asked me for the fifth time, and my answer was yes, like all the previous times.
"I can't go on living like this. It's annoying," I explained. "Whoever he is, it has been going on far too long."
She was uncertain. "But Jack said he'd seen your admirer. We could ask him."
I exhaled and bit my lip nervously. "Thing is, I'm not even sure I want to know."
"Okay. I'm not going to stop you. I think what you are doing is great, and it takes a strong person to do that," she said. I was glad she was on the same page with me, and I'm glad she thought I was strong. I had decided to change my life. Baby steps. I wanted to get rid of this confusion and wondering and guessing and second-guessing. I needed to know. Or in this particular case, not know.
So when the song ended, and believe me when I say I don't remember which song it was (I guess not all songs stick with you and have a meaning), I put my headphones on once again, and was ready to face whatever was coming next.
"I would like to give a message," I started. "This started out a couple of months ago, and has no clear ending on the horizon. So instead of waiting for the next thing, waiting for the person to end it, I am going to take matters into my own hands and end it for him." I paused.
"You have had a role in my life, and that role became too important for a person I have never seen in real life. I don't want someone in my life that is too afraid to come clean. For all I know now, you could be lying about everything. And I don't like to be lied to.
If you are my friend, you should know that I'm okay with who you are.
And if I wouldn't be okay with who you are, then why are you trying to impress me?
Take time to figure things out. If this has been a mistake, then let's forgive each other. If you still want me to know who you are, you may confess. I will not make it a public thing. Your identity will remain a secret.
What is going on now is unhealthy, and I don't want to damage neither of our souls nor lives.
So forgive me if I have insulted you for it was not part of my confession.
I am letting go. No secret admirer. It's just Madison from now on, take it or leave it."
With that our show time was over. Nobody could call, so it would air, but they did and wanted answers. Ramona answered the first phone call, but then we decided not to. I was sent messages, but I ignored them, because people wanted to know about the admirer, and whether or not I had met him already.
They wanted to know facts about my personal life and I was not okay with it.
Ramona supported me. She thought what I had done, was awesome and heroic.
Yes, I needed to be my own hero. It was my life, my story, and I didn't need someone else stealing my show. This was the Madison Rae Richards show, starring me as the main character.
I left, but Ramona stayed in the studio for a while. Later, she told me what had happened.
Firstly, our show had been cancelled. And that was alright with me. I didn't need it, because I didn't need to know. I had accepted that not all was for me to know. And the listeners had to accept that my life was not for them to know.
Secondly, she had spilled coffee on her shirt. She was in the kitchen area of the building (it was on the right, when you entered the building). The spill had been pretty bad, so she decided to remove her coffee-stained shirt (she was wearing a tank top underneath).
Right when she had got the shirt off, the third thing happened, so
Thirdly, Jack pushed her against the wall, his hands in her hair blue-black hair, and kissed her unexpectedly (though I had hoped for something like that when I had mentioned Ramona liked spontaneity). She said it was the most perfect thing that had ever happened to her.
No other shirts were removed. They kissed and held hands and he walked her home.
She did promise to hand wash the shirt to keep it perfect – that she promised to me, and I said: "Okay, turtle-dove."
Fourthly, she decided to tell me Evan's secret, and she demanded me to be understanding and acceptable or she wouldn't tell me. I said I didn't need to know his secret, but thinking back to it, I really did.
A/N: What did you think?Tell me, tell me, please.