I treat myself to a muffin on the way into work and force myself to function normally. In the confines of my office I feel back in control after yesterday and a little foolish about my overreaction to some bloody flowers. A thought that could explain everything pops into my head and I reach for my phone to send a message on our group.
Just had a thought about the flowers, do you guys think they could be a peace offering from Charlie? X
Caroline: Could be, why don't you ask him? X
Sarah: I don't think so. I think he will be keeping his head down if he knows what's good for him! X
I can't ask him, I'm still too upset and angry about what he did. X
Caroline: I've just text him. We shall see... x
I throw myself back into work, but it doesn't take long for me to get my answer.
Caroline: He said no, he wants to give you some space for a while. But he apologised for his behaviour. X
Sarah: So he fucking should... prick! X
Ok, thanks for asking. X
I leave work right on time because I'm so excited to have a catch up with Caroline. As I'm leave the building I receive a message from Daniel and my heart soars.
Hey beautiful. I'm sorry I haven't been in touch today, was on set before dawn and haven't stopped. Missing you so much. Hoping to be home with you on Friday, so only 3 more sleeps until I see you again! I hope work was OK today and have fun with Caroline – not too much fun without me though. D x
I can't help but laugh at his childish ways ... 3 sleeps, what an idiot. I start to type my witty response, but then my blood runs cold when I hear my full name being called.
"Elizabeth."
My eyes scan the crowd around me in pure panic, but I don't see anyone I recognise. My body instantly betrays me and begins to tremble at the sound of my full name being called like that, it sounded just like Ed.
A few seconds pass and my pulse returns to normal and when no one approaches me, I'm sure I must have imagined it. You are fucking paranoid I think and start walking again. I walk a little quicker this time and I decide that I will text Daniel back once I'm in the pub with Caroline.
While I am putting my phone back in my pocket someone grabs my arm and I spin round to see Ed standing in front of me for the first time in nearly two years. My breath gets caught in my throat like it is too shocked to leave my body. I look down to where his hand still holds my arm a little too tightly and he lets go immediately, raising his hands to show he is backing off now he has my attention.
"Hello Elizabeth."
My brain refuses to work for a few seconds trying to process the fact that he has found me. Ed is here ... he is here ... right now. I clear my throat and stand up straight, refusing to let myself fall back into old habits.
"What are you doing here?" I try with every fibre of my being to demonstrate to him that I'm not intimidated by him and I think I succeed on the outside; even though my limbs are screaming at me to run.
"You have been a hard woman to find Elizabeth." My full name roles off his tongue slowly and it makes my stomach heave to hear him say it. "But I have to be honest; it wasn't difficult to discover where you worked once there were so many pictures of you on the internet with that overrated actor, Daniel Weston." He snorts Daniel's name as if just saying it is physically hurting him.
"What do you want?" I practically spit my question at him, furious that he would dare to approach me like nothing has happened.
"Did you get my flowers? They always were your favourite." He ignores my question.
"I got them, but I'm not sure why you would think they are my favourite. You picked the flowers for our wedding remember Ed, not me." I try to step around him calmly, but he moves swiftly and stands in my path. He looks as handsome as ever in a tailor made black three piece suit with a crisp white shirt and blue tie. His green eyes twinkle with amusement and his dark hair is cropped short. Ed was never one to look casual. Even if we were grocery shopping, he would always look immaculate.
"Don't be like that Elizabeth. I have missed you. You know I still love you." I feel as though I could be sick in my mouth; but I will not let him see how his presence and words still affect me, even after all this time.
"How's Emma?" I watch his face grimace and at least he has the decency to look uncomfortable.
"I wouldn't know... I ended it as soon as I realised what a terrible mistake I had made. You, Elizabeth, are the love of my life." I fight the urge to laugh in his face – if I've learnt anything at all it is that Edward Mathers does not know the meaning of the word love.
"Sorry Ed, but it's too little, much too late. I'm a different person now and I've moved on. Please leave me alone. Do not contact me again, ever." He doesn't seem fazed by what I've just said and graciously steps out of my way.
"See you very soon Elizabeth." I walk around him and don't look back.
I fight the tears that threaten to fall and walk calmly away ensuring that my head is held high. I use all my strength to show the world that I'm fine and that he doesn't have any effect over me, but the trembling of my entire body threatens to expose the truth.
I count my breaths while I walk telling myself that it's over, I'm ok and I'm in control. After a ten minute walk I reach the pub, but the door swings open a little too easily and I practically fall into the busy bar. Luckily, I spot Caroline straight away and see that she's sitting at a table with two gin and tonics in front of her. She greets me with a hug.
"You OK? You look like you've seen a ghost."
For the next fifteen minutes I explain every detail of what just happened.
"The bastard." She spits through gritted teeth. "We won't let anything happen to you and I'm sure as hell that Daniel won't."
"I can't believe he's found me. I was so stupid. I didn't really think about Ed seeing pictures of where I worked. I figured he might see the pictures of Daniel and me, but it's been two years and I didn't realise that he would still be trying to find me after all this time." I bang my head against my hands in frustration while Caroline wraps her hands around my arms to stop me. She looks at me and winces.
"I think you need to tell Daniel now, it's time." I know she's right, but it will still need to be an edited version of the past.
Caroline makes me stay at her flat and I'm secretly glad that I don't have to go home alone. I dial Daniel's number and hope that he doesn't answer, but he does on the second ring.
"Hi stranger. How come you didn't text back earlier? I was going to call you in a little while." I can hear the noise in the background and it sounds rowdy wherever he is. I feel guilty about involving him in this; it's not his problem to deal with. I almost decide not to tell him, but Caroline is glaring at me and I know I have to.
"He's found me." It's all I trust myself to say, but it's little more than a whisper.
"Who's found you? Lizzie? What you on about? What's-?" There is a slight pause. "Ed?" He almost shouts it when he realises what I'm inarticulately trying to tell him. I freeze unable to speak. "Lizzie, what's happened?" I can hear the desperation in his voice when I don't respond, but I just sit there mute. "Lizzie, you there? You OK? Lizzie?"
Caroline takes the phone from my hand, which springs me to life. "Please don't tell him everything." I mouth and she sighs, but reluctantly nods before she speaks to him.
"Daniel, it's Caroline." I drift in and out of the conversation while she explains the events of the past couple of days. Caroline walks into the kitchen away from me, but I can just about here her. "Look Daniel, there are things you're not aware of..." There is a pause. "It's not my place to say." Another pause. "She really needs you, whether she admits it or not." There is silence except for a few yes's and no's. When their conversation is finished Caroline walks back into the room and sits next to me. "Daniel will be home tomorrow."
After several glasses of wine Caroline forces me to go to bed, but I know sleep will evade me. My mind is in overdrive. How did he find out where I worked? Does he know where I live? What does he want? I don't want Daniel to feel like he has to protect me from Ed. I don't need protecting.
I have built this life on my own and I am resolved to hold onto it – no matter the cost. I will not back down from him; I'm a different person now and I'm ready and prepared to do whatever it takes. I feel the fires of rage engulf in the pit of my stomach. I remember all the promises I made to myself when I boarded that train and I vow that he will not win this time. The girl who married Edward Mathers died a long time ago.
I message Daniel out of guilt, knowing that even though I have tried to shelter him from my demons; my past is affecting his work.
Sorry for involving you. Just seeing him again after all this time took me by surprise. Please don't get into trouble at work. I'm fine now I've had chance to think about things. I have work and you will be home by the end of the week. Don't come home tomorrow, we can talk things through on Friday. L xxx
Within seconds he is ringing my phone and even though I know what I said about being fine, but a wave of relief that he cares so much comforts me.
"Hi Daniel." I try and sound bright, but it sounds false, even to my own ears.
"Hi beautiful. Please don't be sorry. If anything I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you today. I've spoken to the director and he said that we're ahead of schedule anyway, so I should be done by early afternoon. We've agreed that we will start filming at first light, so I will be on the next flight home as soon as I'm done. I'm not in any trouble and I wouldn't care even if I was. I promise I will be there to pick you up from work. No arguments."
"I'm so glad you're not getting into trouble over me and I'm happy that I will get to see you tomorrow." There is a pause like he is thinking of whether to ask me something.
"Will you ever tell me what happened?"
"I don't know." I answer truthfully.
"I wish you would trust me."
"I do trust you."
"Then please believe that whatever it is, whatever happened... I'm not going anywhere."
The fact that I have admitted I trust him seems to have satisfied his curiosity for now, but I know it will not last long. Soon after we say our goodbyes and I fall into a dreamless sleep. I'm surprised that I don't have my usual nightmare, but then again my dream version of Ed is no longer needed because he has done exactly what he promised - he's found me.
*****
The minute I step into work Helen can tell that something is wrong. I decide to tell her what happened because he obviously knows I work here and I don't want my personal life to impact on Helen's business. She promises to increase security in the building and for someone to take me home.
"There is no need; Daniel is picking me up from work." I raise the first genuine smile of the day and she grins back at me.
"A real knight in shining armour. Actually, didn't he play a knight once?" She jokes, lifting the mood.
"Yeah, he did a few years ago. I think he's that type of thing in his next film too." We both laugh and she hugs me tightly.
A second bouquet of flowers is delivered to work around lunchtime. I can see that yet again they are my wedding flowers, even from the distance to our reception. My chest starts to constrict and I grasp for air. I can feel the blood rush to my ears as the pounding deafens me. I refuse to let the panic attack swallow me up, so I control my breathing and overpower it – I will never let him win again.
The receptionist knocks on my door and walks in. Her eyes widen a little at the sight of me, but she recovers gracefully without showing how rough she must think I look.
"These are for you again. Someone's popular." I thank her as cheerily as I can, but she looks uncomfortable at my response and swiftly leaves. I don't move for a long time and carry on reviewing a report, even though I don't actually read a word on the page.
Eventually I give in and look at them. I immediately notice that there is a note this time. I walk over and snatch it violently from the bouquet. I know his handwriting instantly, the neat concise text written in high quality black ink makes me want to scream.
Elizabeth
Sorry for startling you yesterday. I just wanted to let you know that I was in town and I'm looking forward to us spending some quality time together.
Yours always,
Ed
My heart plummets through the floor and I loathe that he can still have such an effect on me. My hand absentmindedly strokes over my ugly scar and I know that this time I'm prepared to pay whatever price I have to. I drop the flowers in the bin without a second glance.
Once I'm sitting back at my desk, I recall Ed saying yesterday that he had found out where I worked through pictures online, so I decide to do a search to see if it was the truth or whether he has had me followed. Sure enough in the few weeks since I've looked online for pictures of Daniel there are scores of new photographs. Most are just of Daniel, but there are some of us as a couple and surprisingly, a few of me alone. I scroll down and see that someone must have followed me to work because there are a couple of photographs of me walking outside the building. I really had no idea that I was being followed.
I stare at all of the pictures, some of our private movements doing ordinary things like drinking in pubs and shopping. Suddenly, I feel nauseous. Dread washes over me that he might know where I live so I hastily scroll down to see if there are any pictures from around my flat. Luckily, there is nothing at all near where I live, but I still feel completely violated.
Daniel warned me not to look, but I cannot comprehend that because of my relationship with Daniel my life is now public property. I don't even bother looking at the comments because I know that my stupidity and naivety has lead Ed back to me.
I run to the toilet and I vomit until there is nothing left to expel from my body. I then slowly pull myself back together like I have done so many times before.
- So, Lizzie's past is catching up with her. What do you think of Ed appearing like that? Thank you for all your support and as usual, hope you vote. Thanks guys -