"if you're not losing friends, then you're not growing up."
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"Ms. Martin," a voice starts from behind me. I was walking in the halls on my way to lunch until I saw Mr. Matthews outside the door to his classroom. Looking to him, he asks, "Can I speak to you for a little bit?"
"Uh," I say, looking from the direction to lunch room where an impatient Sarah sat to one of my favorite teachers in the whole school. "Yeah, I could...I could talk for a little."
I walk into his classroom, immediately taking a seat atop a desk in the front of the class. I settle into a comfortable posture as Mr. Matthews stands before me. Patiently waiting for him to speak, I toy with the end of my shirt with a nervous smile. What could he have wanted? Was I in trouble? Did I do something wrong?
"You're not in trouble," he assures me, obviously taking note to the worried expression plaguing my whole face. I try to ease the tension by laughing slightly, but on the inside, I actually believe I could be dying. "I just wanted to ask how you're doing."
I cinch my eyebrows together in disbelief. That's what I'm nervous about? Laughing awkwardly, I shrug. "I'm doing okay," I utter.
"That's great," Matthews says, his cheeks turning chubby as his lips spread out across his face in a large grin. "It's just," his smile falters, "you do know that it's a teacher's responsibility to know what goes on in their students' lives, right?"
"With all due respect, I'm not sure I get what you're trying to say here, Mr. Matthews," I say.
He nods in understanding before pushing himself off of his desk. He walks to the chalkboard, picking up a broken, white fragment once he arrived at the wall. "Do you know the secret of life, Ms. Martin?" my teacher questions me.
Just from the simple question, it feels like I'm sitting in an actual lecture after not paying attention for eight minutes. The teacher just asked a question and in all honesty, my mind was as blank as the piece of paper I should have been writing notes on.
"Well, I'm only fifteen. I like to think I still have a lot of time to figure it out."
Mr. Matthews nods in agreement. "I'm gonna let you in on a little secret." He starts to write out a three word phrase that had no impact on me before, but suddenly it feels as if the secret was already rooting itself in my heart. "People change people. Everything you are is the effect of the people around you."
"Mr. Matthews, I don't understand what this has to do with why I'm here," I confess.
"A teacher knows what goes on in his student's life." He sets down the piece of chalk, a serious look overcoming his features. "You're incredibly quiet and shy in my class, and here you are speaking to me easily. You surround yourself with a group of people that put you down mentally and physically, and if you continue to be around these people, they will affect you, Raina Faith."
Wide-eyed, I stare at the man in front of me. The pain in my chest wasn't unbearable, but it hurt enough to make me realize that the life I'm living now not only makes me unhappy, but concerns an important person in my life. It wasn't healthy to be friends with the people I am friends with, but here I stand with no plan to change it. Stuart has told me countless amount of times that I deserve better, but what if I don't? What if this is life's way of telling me I need this type of friendship? Somewhere deep inside of me, I know that this is toxic, but like most poison, I refuse to let it bother me until I'm practically dead.
"It's Raina," I mutter sorrowfully before getting off the desk and storming out of the classroom in mess of emotions.
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y'all better TAKE NOTES on mr matthews logic!!
also raina faith asking people to call her raina instead just hurts to think about