Never Enough
Soundtrack: Almost is Never Enough by: Ariana Grande ft. Nathan Skyes
note: if i were you, i'd play the song ;)
- JACIN -
"Okay, archers. Five-minute break." says our coach. Pumunta agad ako sa bleachers para humiga, uses my bag as pillow and fishes my phone out of it.
It's already 19:40, and I'm so damn tired.
I'm expecting a text from her but there's none. She should be home by now and probably eating dinner, or studying, or doing homework. Nag-reply na lang ako sa text ni Miles kanina, he's asking how's the training going and I type fucking tiring and hit the send button. I hit the back button next and open the conversation thread with June. I'm about to call her but coach shouted our break is over.
Tsk. I sit up and text her, Hey.
Off all the possible texts, I sent her a damn stupid hey. Mendes, what the fuck?
One more hour and finally, training is over. I tilt my head left and right, roll my shoulders and crack my fingers. They're all fucking aching.
I check my phone again, expecting a reply from June but there is again, none. I can feel my eyebrows frowning as I stare at my phone screen. Bakit hindi siya nagte-text?
What was she supposed to reply with that stupid hey anyway?
Should I text her again?
Nah. She might be studying. Disturbing her concentration is stupider than sending her hey.
Pumasok na lang ako sa kotse, giving my phone another quick glance. Well yeah, I'm still expecting her name to pop on the screen but it doesn't.
So I drive home.
~*~
I feel the phone vibrates against my grip, so I open my eyes and realize I fell asleep. Fuck, I have tons of homework to do and the training starts fucking early tomorrow.
Sure, we're exempted from quizzes and other projects but from homework? No, we're not.
My plan is to take a quick rest pero paghiga ko I feel more tired than ever, sleepier even and I unintentionally do, while waiting for June's reply.
I can't help but smile when I see her text—the reason why the phone vibrates—and that smile grow bigger. It's just a stupid hey, but her reply is long, like a little kid telling her parents about how her day went.
Cute.
I call her. Hell, kanina ko pa siya gustong tawagan.
She answers after several rings.
<"J-jacin..."> Her voice feels right... and God, I feel right for the first time this day.
"Hey..." Fuck, wala na ba kong ibang alam sabihin kundi hey? Mendes, wtf?
<"Kakagising mo lang?"> she asks, sounding genuinely concerned and my chest feels warm.
"Hmmm, yeah." I swear I'm better than this.
<"Nagising ba kita? Kanina ka pa ba tulog? Nagpapahinga ka na ba? Na-istorbo ba kita? Sorry—">
"Hey, hey, relax." Her cuteness makes me chuckle, she's always too worried about me, always apologizing, even if it isn't her fault. "It's fine, I'm not supposed to sleep yet anyway."
<"Bakit naman? Homework ba?">
"No." I answer firmly. Screw homework and whoever invented it. "I wanted to call you so thanks for waking me up."
<"E-eh? B-bakit naman?"> She's getting tongue-tied again and she sounds even cuter now.
"Why? Hindi ba ko pwedeng tumawag dahil gusto ko lang?"
<"S-sorry.">
I want her to tell more, I want to know more, I fucking want to hear her voice more. Damn. "So tell me more about your day."
She does and I wish she was here in front of me so I could pinch her cheeks. Dammit, bakit ba na-c-cute-an ako sa pagsasalita niya? Probably sa lahat na yata ng ginagawa niya. I wasn't with her all day but because of what she just told me, I felt like I was. I could picture her petite figure eating, laughing, walking, and reaching the upper shelf. I'm glad Yuan's there to help her though... when it should've been me.
<"C-can you tell me about your day too?">
"Yeah of course but it wasn't really much though," I pause to yawn, "We just trained all day and..." I trail off, yawning again.
<"Inaantok ka na.">
"I'm not..." and again.
<"You are!" she confirms, chuckling. "Matulog ka na.">
"Okay..." and I yawn again. So I give up and shrug. "If you say so."
Damn sleepy eyes, I still want to talk to June.
<"Uhm... sa Friday ba next week, may training kayo?"> she asks, almost hesitant.
"Yeah." I myself, can hear the tiredness in my voice. "Even the next Friday after that, and the next... and the next..."
<"O-okay,">
"Why?"
["W-wala naman..."]
"Missed me?" then I ask myself too, do I miss her? It has been a week. Nagkikita lang kami sa ilang mga subjects na ilang oras lang. Her break time's my training hours while my break time's her class hours.
Most of the time that I'm not with her, it just doesn't feel right. As if something's missing. I'm so used to her being around me, so used to her always being with me.
Yeah.
I miss her.
How long has it been since she offered herself as my girlfriend? I haven't realized it then, but now I know how damn lucky I am.
<"H-hindi—m-medyo.">
I hear myself chuckling again. She's so fucking cute. "I'll go see you when I can."
<"O-okay... good night.">
"You should sleep now too."
<"I will...">
I wait for her to end the call, and also to say something more. She does the latter.
<"Jacin!">
"Hmmm?"
She murmurs something I can't hear. It takes moments before I hear it clearly.
<"I love you.">
I blink. Nawala lahat ng antok sa katawan ko and I swear my heart skips a damn beat.
This fucking never happened before.
I'm lost of words. I don't how to answer—what to answer. Again.
Dammit.
I love you too seems so easy to say but I'd be lying to her, to myself if I say it. I like her a lot, sure. But to say that as response to I love you doesn't seem or feel right at all. Even if I say I like you so fucking much or I fucking like you a lot, it's no match to her I love you.
June's tone is so fucking sincere I want to punch myself for not being able to say it back.
"I know..." I pause again, thinking of something better to say but come up with none. "Good night, June." I say instead and end the call.
Fuck. Just fuck. I don't want to hurt her pero mas ayaw ko namang magsinungaling sa kanya.
Bumangon ako at naupo sa gilid ng kama, elbows on my thighs, hands fisted frustratingly on my hair.
It feels so nice, so right to hear those words from her. But I just couldn't say it back... fuck.
I grab my phone again, search through my contacts and called Miles. Out of the seven members of Pyxis, he's the one who can probably understand me the most, because I can't fucking understand myself either.
"She said she loved me." I blurt.
<"Matagal mo naman ng alam 'di ba?" tanong niya, hindi man lang nagulat sa sinabi ko. "Dude, kahit hindi niya sabihin, we all know it. You fucking know it, and you fucking feel it. She's been your girlfriend for months.">
"What should I do?" I ask and fists my hand in my hair again.
<"Seriously? Are you seriously asking me that?" His tone is saying he just rolls his eyes. "You know the answer.">
Love her back.
<"What the hell is stopping you, Jacin? Oh. Should I say who? Si Ayu pa rin ba?" I can hear him sighing. "You're being unfair to June.">
He's right. I am. I'm taking all the love June's giving me... and I'm not giving it back to her. I'm not giving enough.
<"Anong sinabi mo kay June?">
"I said I know... and good night."
<"Three words Mendes: you fucked up."> He says in i-can't-believe-you tone.
"I know."
["Oh, so are you gonna say goodnight to me now, too? Tsk! Parehas kayo ni Tyler! Ang hilig n'yong pahirapan ang mga sarili n'yo. Ang dali lang naman ng sagot sa mga problema n'yo, pero pilit n'yong ginagawang complicated ang sagot!"] He half-shouts as frustrated as me.
"What was I supposed to say? I love her too? I don't want to lie to make her happy, because I was fucking happy with Ayu, I was fucking happy the whole time I was with her and it was all just a fucking lie. I don't want to hurt June but fuck, nasasaktan ko pa rin siya."
<"What are you gonna do now? Break up with her? Iiwanan mo siya sa ere? Because Jacin Kross, I'm gonna fucking kick your nice and firm ass.">
"No! Fuck, Miles, that's not it! I will never do that. I never planned on doing that, never even crossed my mind... fuck." Isipin ko pa lang na iiwanan ko siya... hell. Hindi ko maisip. Hindi ko kaya. I'm so fucking scared of hurting her and yet here I am, sinasaktan siya.
<"Then what?"> Miles asks impatiently.
"I just need time..."
["Time... right. Well, just an advice: don't keep her waiting dahil lang handa siyang maghintay. Get your shit together Mendes. For June's sake, move on!"]
*toot toot*