After I confessed how I felt toward Miguel, I couldn't keep myself away from him anymore.
I would hunt him down and he would melt into my embrace, no matter what.
I was addicted to him.
I did nothing but wait in class, waiting for a break, or a reason to leave to see if I could go find Miguel.
I had never thought that loving a boy could be so convenient. I would go to the bathroom and sometimes I would wait a bit and Miguel would come.
He was always sheepish but I knew he wanted me as much as I wanted him.
I knew there were cameras but I didn't care.
When we kissed, my mouth would be on fire and I wanted to consume Miguel entirely. Before this, all I had known inside was self-hatred, fear and loneliness.
When I was with Miguel, I felt whole. I felt like the thing that had shamed me the most, was now free to be fully experienced.
And I loved the freedom.
Miguel sometimes would get caught in the past and his hurt and fear would return. I wanted to talk to him about it but he would always pull away. I wanted things to be different.
I had to get him somewhere alone and with more time.
But it was so hard. He always either was with Robert or that skinny blond stick, Charo or whatever her name was.
And I was jealous. That curly haired Irish kid was always hanging on Miguel. Or the blond was always making oogling eyes at Miguel.
His friends were like this large wall that surrounded him and I had no way of getting to Miguel. Not that it mattered, since that day back in the courtyard.
What had I expected? Of course Miguel would hate me. I would hate myself as well.
He kept ignoring me, beyond the secret physical things we did in the bathroom or in the staircases, and I didn't have the heart to keep bothering him in public. But when I would go to sleep, I still dreamt of him.
I wanted him to say he loved me. To tell me that he felt as empty without me as I did with him.
But I didn't know how to offer him more than my physical self. Because who I was inside was the one who had hurt him in the first place. I felt I had no right to ask for what I already had.