Author's Note: I just want to add a warning that this chapter and the ones following will include topics such as depression and suicide! Please be cautious of your own mental health if you choose to continue reading!
Also I just want to mention that I'm always here if anyone needs to talk about ANYTHING! XOXO
3 YEARS LATER
"Come on this is huge! Let's go celebrate!" I hear Amy exclaim as she grabs my hands and starts to do a little dance which makes me laugh.
"Thanks, but I'm not really in the mood right now" I say with a sort of pout/smile/look of disgust which I'm sure makes me look very strange, I'm trying to exhibit all my emotions at once. I'm pouting since I know I'm disappointing her, I'm smiling because I recognize that this is something to be happy about, and I'm acting disgusted since going out to party isn't really what I want to do.
"Ariana you just got nominated for two academy awards! C'mon!" she whines. It's insane to think about. I can't believe I've been nominated for two Oscars, both for my writing and acting in a film that I created. This is the kind of thing I've always dreamed of. If I died right now I wouldn't even care, I've accomplished all my goals. Although, I'm only really just starting which is crazy. I have a whole entire career ahead of me. I finally feel like I've made it. At least career wise, I'm respected, admired, and legendary.
"i know but- I really just don't want to" I shrug. It's the truth. There's only one thing I want to do, one person I want to be with.
"Alright, well call me if you change your mind" Amy says as she gives me a hug before I head out of her apartment. We were watching the nominations being announced at her house since there was a really high chance I'd be nominated and now she wants to go celebrate but I'm not in the mood. I'm happy she accepts that.
I make my way out of her apartment and towards my car. Once I enter it I take a moment to just breathe and collect my thoughts. I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be, I mean it's an amazing achievement in my career but, who cares? I don't. I mean I want my career to be successful but it already was, before this, it's not a big deal to me.
No matter how hard I work, no matter how much people love me, I will never have the one person I care about. My mom.
...
"I just- I miss you so much. I have no one anymore" I say as I wipe the tears from my eyes. After I left Amy's I drove straight over to her and now I'm sitting by her grave just talking and I know that she's listening. I really wish I could hear her voice, just once more. Sometimes I think about just ending it all so I can be with her but I'm so afraid. I'm afraid that it won't work, that I won't see her and it'll all be for nothing. I wish I still had her in my life, I love her and miss her and I'm just so alone. "There's nothing here for me anymore. I'm tired of this. I want you, I want to be with you" I cry. "But, I know you'd be so upset if I tried anything, I know you don't want me to so I won't. I just I wish I had someone. Please God, if you're listening, please give me someone, my soulmate, whatever, please" I begin to beg before actually starting to pray.
I know life is about more than just love but I need it. I have no one, I feel so alone, I don't have my mom, I just hope God is listening and I hope 'my time' to have someone to love me and care for me is soon. Everyone I know is also successful and talented but It feels like everyone around me is experiencing this genuine happiness and value in their life and it all seems to be coming from love
...
"Okay so what's going on? What did I do?" I ask as I sit in my boss, Lorne Michaels' office. It's just me, Lorne, a few of the shows producers and even some NBC executives that I don't really know. I just know that they're pretty important people. I'm nervous, no one in the room looks happy, things feel pretty serious, no one's telling me what this meeting is about and I'm worried that I've done something wrong.
"By now you're probably aware of the threats the network is facing" I hear one of the NBC executives begin saying. He's right, I do know, everyone knows, it's been discussed heavily around the studio but everything was just rumours until last week. Since then the media has caught wind of the story as well. I don't know most of the details, I don't really care. All I know is someone has hacked the network or something, they have unreleased episodes of shows and things of that nature. "And well they have information on pretty much every show this network airs" he adds. I'm still confused about what this has to do with me.
"Yeah, I know. What does this have to do with me?" I ask. I'm the only cast member at this meeting, at first I thought they may just be meeting with us all individually but, I haven't heard about anyone else having to go to this meeting. Besides, I thought SNL was the least affected by this hack since our show airs live, there's no way they can leak an episode since it airs at the same time it is filmed.
"Well, we have some new information about the hackers. They're working with former pagers of the network, some of which worked here" I hear one of SNL producers, Lindsay Shookus, begin. I still don't get the point, I never did anything weird in this office, if anything I was the most unproblematic in the cast, a lot of others did drugs, everything from weed and cigarettes, to coke and I know they sometimes did it in the studio as well. I don't even think I ever treated any pagers impolitely so I don't know why they would say anything about me. I give Lindsay a look as if to say 'keep talking' and so she does; "one of the pagers must've worked here years ago because well they went into you office once, and took pictures of a journal. They wouldn't tell us what was in it or anything, they just- they told us it was yours and the front said 'comedian'" she explains and my heart literally drops.
I've had multiple journals, ever since I started working on SNL. My mom gave me my first one and suggested I write all the great things that I get to do so that I never forget. I loved the idea so much, and I love looking back and reminding myself of all the little special moments I've shared with family and friends over the years that I know I would've forgotten about if I hadn't wrote them down. Of course I end up filling all the pages up and have to continuously buy new journals, all of which have different names on the front. I've had ones called Lost Company and Case Closed, but the fact that these people have Comedian is the absolute worst thing possible.
"What do you mean they took pictures? Pictures of what? Which pages?" I ask since that makes a huge difference. My voice is beginning to break and even though I'm trying to stay cool I'm panicking and I can't hide it. I just think I need more information before I completely breakdown.
"Everything, every single page. They haven't sent it to us but they're ready to just post it online" one of the NBC execs say and I immediately collapse my head into my hands as I feel the tears stream down my face. "Ariana, what's in the journal? C'mon we can do damage control" he adds.
"Damage control? No there's nothing you can do to fix anything if this gets out! You have to stop them! Pay them, I don't care just stop them" I yell as I look back up at everyone. I look like a mess and I don't care. They should know how serious this is, this journal can't get out.
"We can't do that Ariana. It's a lot of money and it's too risky, there's nothing stopping them from posting anything, we can never be sure they're deleting everything, including copies. Besides if they think we're willing to pay they'll just amp up the prices" one of the NBC execs explains.
"Okay then what if I just quit? I mean this was gonna be my last season anyways. If I leave then posting it means nothing. It won't be attacking NBC because I'm no longer working for the network" I admit. I've been on SNL for so long, it finally feels like the right time to leave, I'm gonna miss doing the show but it's time to move on.
"Is that really how you want to leave Ariana? Besides, they'll still have the journal, they can use it to attack you personally" the NBC exec argues.
"I haven't used that journal in years. They've had it for years but never released it. If this was against me they've had plenty of opportunities to drop it. It's not about me now fucking fix this" I argue. I can't believe nobody cares about this. This is about more than my career, it's my personal life and my own mental well being on the line here.
"You know what I can't do this, Ari I have to be honest with you" I hear Lindsay say. "They've already sold the journal to People Magazine. This meeting isn't really to find a way to stop it as much as it is a way to just let you know what's going on" she admits and I immediately break down.
"What the fuck? Are you serious? No! This can't happen! This. Journal. Can't. Get. Out." I repeat.
"Ari, what's in it?" Lindsay asks and I just shake my head, I can't say it, I just can't. She keeps asking and I just shake my head as the tears begin to fall. "Ari, c'mon. Please" she begs.
"That journal, it- it started a few years ago during a Christmas episode. Amy Adams was the host and One- One Direction was the musical guest. The journal outlines everything from when Harry and I started dating, personal moments we've spent together. And that's embarrassing but that's not even the worst fucking part. It ends- it ends with me finding out that major secret about why Harry and I broke up. The one I never told anyone, you, Lorne, my own fucking dad! Everyone's gonna find out, all my friends, my family, the press and it's humiliating... Harry- he-he signed a contract, before we ever met to be in a relationship with me and I never knew. I- I'm so fucking humiliated. No one's gonna look at me the same!" I cry. As Lindsay comes and sits beside me and rubs my back as I cry. It's comforting but at the same time I just want to be alone.
"Ari it's okay, everything will be okay" she says as everyone in the room murmurs in agreement.
"No it's not! I- I have to go I want to be alone" I admit as I get up. Lindsay tries to stop me but it doesn't work. "I want to be alone, besides I don't want to get caught out in public after this gets out, I just want to hide" I admit as I begin to walk out of the office. "And can someone go get in touch with Harry? Tell him about how you guys fucked up because this affects him too" I admit as I walk out trying to act angry but also kinda okay since I need to go outside and back to my apartment and can't risk looking like a complete mess. I don't even want to think about Harry, he hurt me but doesn't deserve this. I haven't seen him in years but I've watched his career flourish into one of the most respected and loved in the world. This is gonna cause a lot of damage to him and he doesn't deserve it. I feel awful, this is all my fault.
...
I watch as my phone hits the wall and shatters all across the floor. My phone has been going off all day and I know what it's about. The story got leaked, everyone knows, in a lot of detail, the outline to the first almost year Harry and I dated, up until we broke up over his contract. I feel so awful and humiliated. I can't imagine facing any of my friends or family after this, I'm just so embarrassed. Nothing will ever be the same.
I also feel bad for Harry, people are hating him, and mocking him, some are mocking me for putting him in this position. He doesn't deserve this but I'm too afraid to speak out, enough of my personal life has been broadcasted I don't want to give this story any attention but I know I have to and that tears me apart. I've ruined not only my whole career but my relationship with my family and friends and I just don't know what to do. I want to apologize to Harry but I don't think he ever wants to see me again after this and I understand. This story makes people think they know everything but they really don't.
They don't know anything, from how we started dating again, and, how he was there for me after my mom passed. God, I miss my mom. I want to be with her more than ever now. Maybe it's time. I have nothing left, I've destroyed my entire life and I just want to be with her. I have nothing else left here. I'm done, I'm just done.
I grab a bottle of prescription pills from one of my kitchen cabinets. I don't know what they're for or how long they've been in here but I don't care. I pour out a handful and shut my eyes as I toss them all into the back of my mouth.