I felt bad afterward, for yelling at Gilderoy, but I couldn't bring m7self to appologize. The budding realisation of the connection between close relationships and lose was playing out in my head, and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to push everyone away. If I wasn't close to them, I couldn't lose them.
So, I pushed everyone away. when ever Lucius tried to talk to me, I would just ignore him, or blankly stare. Same went for any of the Healers: I wasn't talking to anyone. I couldn't let myself connect with anyone. I needed to be alone.
I didn't want to feel the pain anymore.
You could end it.
My brain kept screaming it. I would cover my ears, trying to block it out, but it wouldn't leave. IT only got louder. IT screamed in my ears. I pounded at me chest. It used a sense of peer pressure like suggestion that almost made mwe want to act out. But I didn't...
But I could be with my baby, and my family.
I cried with my hands over my ears, and my eyes shut. Lucius kept asking me waht was wrong, and tried to pull my hands off of my ears. I kept quiet, but fought against his grip.
When the thoughs finally calmed down to a wisper, I slid down into the bed and took deep breaths. My heart pounded in my ears, but atlwast I could hear my own thoughts.
Lucius made sure I was okay, and then went to get Healer Phillips. He tried to ask me what had happened, but I ignored him. He gave me a seditive, and I relaxed enough to go to sleep.
.............................................
It was very bright. Overly bright. I was in a very small room that only offered an inch of two of space infront of my face: two from all sides of me. I put my hand against the wall and pushed, but nothing happened.
I took a deep breath, expecting the usual closed in feeling that usually came ot me in times of panic, but it didn't come: For once I felt normal.
I turned around and touched the walls behind me. Again, nothing happened. I brushed some hair out of my face, nad looked up. I tried to step back, surprised, only to hit the wall behind me.
Above me, the ceiling was gone. A starry sky was over me, dark and shining. A face peeked at me from over the edge, adn it was a face I knew very well.
"V-Vincent?" I quietly asekd .HE smiled and waved. I offered a stunned wave back. My lips suddenly turned into a grin.
"Vincent? What are you doing? Where am I?" I asked him. HE didn't reply. INstead, he pulled way and was gone. My heart sank. "Vincent?"
Suddenly, he was back, and with another face. It was Uncle Severus, only not. All the stressed lines in his face were gone, and he was smiling, just as Vincent was.
My heart gave a little leap, and i found msyelf grinning as well. I blinked, and another figure appeared.
It was my father, or a cleaner, happier version of my father. HIs hair was cut and a half smile played on his face.
I closed my eyes in hope that when I reopened them, someone else would join them. When I looked back up, this proved to be true becaue not only was there one person, but five. Hayse, Dunn, Leeson, MyFareland, and Wyatt.
I felt tears of joy begin to fall down my cheeks. They were all so close, and so happy, and together...
Now they were all parted, and inbetween them was Scabior. He also looked very well and Healthy. He was wearing a frilly, white shirt and a nive pair of white pants. His hair wasn't tied back at all, and was falling around his shoulders in thick locks. I noticed for the first time that they were all dressed in white, and in clothes that they would have prefered instead of the typical flowing, white robes of the afterlife.
Uncle Severus had on white robes, but he was the only one. He had always prefered to wear robes. Vincent was weraing a white tee shirt and a pair of shorts, like he had at the beach. Also like at the beach, his skin was sun kissed, tanned and golden. It made sense: The beach was where he was happiest. Wyatt was dressed simularly to Scabior, with a fancy white shirt and trousers, as did Dunn, Leeson, and McFareland. Hayse had on a knee length dress that flowed along with her curves, which I had never seen before. She had on a white version of her signature hat.
They all looked so beautiful. Radient, even. I looked down at mayelf: I was still in my old, black pajamas.
When I looked back up, Scabior had a white bundle in his arms. I squinted and he passed the bundle to Uncle Severus. He turned it towards me, and Scabior pulled the cloth down.
I gasped and covered my mouth.
He was holding a baby. I don't know how I knew, but it was mine. He was holding my baby, Scabior Severus Malfoy; Her official name. The one that was on both the Birth and Death certificate. My darling, who was dead in my world, was living in theirs...
I reached up towards the open sky to no prevail. It felt like the length actually extended instead of shortened. A small sob escaped my troat. All of the happiness I had gained at the sight of them was quickly morphing into sadness. They were all so close, and I couldn't get to them.
One by one, they all began to frown as I cried. A wail left my mouth. The baby suddenly opened it's eyes.
She looked at me, and grinned. I should have been to young to do so, but it did. It reached out for me, and let out a happy squeall.
This upset me even worse. Another sob sounded, and this time Scabior Severus let out a cry herself.
We were both crying for each other. I began jumping and reaching, desprate to get my hands on my baby, but it was no use. She was out of my reach.
This went on and on until both of our wails were too loud to handle. Uncle Severus handed the baby to Vincent, then turned back. He looked at me with sad eyes, then offered a nod before begining to fade away.
One by one, they all disappeared, until only Vincent and Scabior Severus was left. I reached for them for the last time and cried out.
"Vincent!'
"...Elle..." He breathed.
"Vince, please help me up... Please..."
"I can't." He shook his head. "Only you can."
"What?... How?"
"You know how. " Was all he offered.
"Vicnent, please don't leave me here. Please don't..." But it was too late, he disapeared along with my baby. I tried to fall to my kness, but the room didn't off enough room, so I just hit my kness and butt against the walls. I stayed that way and sobbed. For the second time in my life, I lost everyone I loved. They were so close, and I had lost them again....
...................................................................
I woke up with a sharp breath. My eyes flew open. The quiet of the room pressed against my eardrums. I was back in St. Mungo's. Lucius was sitting at the desk. Narcissa must have come while I was asleep, becaue she was now sitting in the chair beside my bed. She turned to me, concerned.
"Elle, are you okay? Did you have a bad dream?"
I completly ignored her, trying to remember what I could of the dream. It was trying to fade away, as dreams always do, but I forced myself to remember.
I saw everyone, but I was where I couldn't get to them. Like now...
And suddenly, it all made since.
St. Mungo's was my tiny room.
"You know how" Vincent had said.
You could end it.
My mind shouted, making me flinch.
I could. I could, and I could be with them.
Suddenly, the thought was the most appealing it had ever been.
I needed a way to do it.
"Eleanor, please, dear. Will you answer me?"
"Elle?" At this point, Lucius had gotten up and was heading this way.
You could end it all
I could end it all
Before he could get any closer, I slung the blankets off of myself and got of the bed.
"You had an accidnet. Is the problem?" Narcissa commented. I hadn't even noticed the wet sheets. She got up, but I began sprint towards the door.
This was a hospital, there had to be something sharp. Or some power Combinations. That would be less painful...
"Eleanor, stop. What are you doing?" Lucius ran over to block the door.
A sudden need to isolate myself from them hit me. I needed away from them.
I turned on my heels and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I locked it, then sat down on the cold, tiled floor, begining to sob.
You could end it all!
My head screamed
Right now! You could end it! You can be with them!
I wanted to listen to it. It was right. I could be with them. Draco had stopped me once, but he wasn't here to stop me again.
"Eleanor, please open the door." Lucius said in a calm voice. "Narcissa is getting Healer Phillips. He can talk to you about what ever you're upset about."
He was getting Healer Phillips.
I had to do it before he got there.
I looked around, trying to find something I could end it with.
"Eleanor-"
"Shut up!" I screamed, and continued to look.
There was nothing in the shower but shampoo and soap. Nothing under the sink except for a few discarded pairs of night pants from when I used to wet every night. The only thing in the medicine cabinate was my toothbruth, toothpaste, and a hair brush.
The was it: The medicine cabnate. It was actullly a mirror that opened on a hinge above the sink. I could use the glass from the mirror.
"Eleanor, you need to let me in. I will bust down the door."
"Shut up!" I punched the mirror. A small cracked formed in the middle of it. I punched it again, making the crack bigger.
"What was that? Are you okay?"
"Leave me alone!" My knuckles had started to bleed, but I ignored it. "Go away!" Finally, the glass shattered, sending bits of shimering mirror to the ground. I grabbed a shard.
"Was that glass? Eleanor, you need to let me in!"
"Leave me alone! I just want to die, okay?! I just want to die!"
I held the sharp shard in my hand, thinking about where I should do it. The wrist was overdone, and usually didn't give the result I wanted. I needed a place that would give me more blood flow. Somewhere that would end it quick.
I saw the quite scar in what was still stuck on the mirror. Bellatrix had tried to slit my throat, but had only succeded in cutting acouple centimeters under my ear. Then I was fighting for my life, now I was trying to end it.
I could finish what she had started.
I put the glass to the scar and pressed. It stung as a drop of scarlet blood surface.
"Eleanor!" There was a bang on the door, then another, then another. I pressed harder, but found it hard to do.
If I was so strong, why could I do this?
I was strong. Everyone said so. I was strong.
I drug it over a centimeter more, and a corrisponding line of blood appeared.
"What are you-" I heard Healer Phillip's voice.
"Help me get the door down!" Lucius yelled.
"You're wand!" Narcissa reminded. "Use you're wand!"
They were so close, I had to do it quicker.
I pressed a little harder and moved another centimeter. The blood had began to drip onto my black pajamas, making brown spots.
"Confringo!" Lucius yelled.
I moved it another centimeter.
There was a flash of light, and the door was blown off the hinges.