Ariana's POV
"Good morning" I say with a faint smile to the doorman of my apartment building as I head out the door. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable, I haven't left my apartment in a little over a week and I'm sure the doormen has noticed. I mean they don't stand there all day, they work different shifts but I'm paranoid that they've collectively talked about me and how none of them have seen me walk by. If that's the case, I'm sure they have questions, but all I can do is just walk on by as if everything's completely normal. My face has finally healed which is such a strange concept to think about but I guess it's now my reality.
I don't know where I'm going, I just wanted to get some fresh air and walk around. Being trapped in my apartment felt as though I was mentally trapped as well, so hopefully this will be a chance for me to clear my mind. Not to mention the fact that my apartment is practically destroyed, I mean I ruined a bunch of stuff and had bags and bags of garbage to throw down the chute, which again if anyone from my apartment caught notice from a camera in my hallway or something would probably raise their suspicions. Everything else from my couch to my bed is almost unbearable to touch because I know Ricky has touched it too. It's gotten so bad that I watch TV on the ground and have fallen asleep on the floor on top of some clean bed sheets and blankets. It vaguely reminds me of the fort Harry and I have made several times while we were dating, I still remember that time he stayed with me after my mom past and made a fort for me to sleep in since I didn't want to go to bed. These past couple nights I've intentionally made sure my bed/fort concoction didn't resemble his because I don't want to think about him and our relationship either. I mean it doesn't make me want to throw our any memories of him from things he's touched to even my skin like Ricky but it still hurts, I'm still in pain.
It kinda sucks to admit it but I think that I have to. I have to accept the fact that I'm feeling the way that I do even if I don't want to, even if they want something that's impossible. The reason I want to come to terms with my feelings is so I can just move on with my life. Before Harry. I never had a boyfriend and since him, I've been so quick to jump into a new relationship. I thought I was making an exception dating him but now it's like I need a boyfriend and I don't. At the same time I won't shame myself if and when I get a new boyfriend, it can happen in five years, it can happen next week, I just have to be okay with being in a relationship or being by myself and I think that comes with loving yourself. Loving yourself, it sounds like such an easy concept, I had such a good grasp on it in the past but lately I feel like it has totally disappeared, or at least I'm holding on by just a thread.
I'm not against the idea of dating and I'm not against the idea of jumping back in or just staying away. I just want to be with someone who will respect me and listen, all Ricky did was make me laugh and I'm stupid for letting him in. But at the same time I don't think it matters as much if they love me as long as I love me, and if I can do that then I shouldn't be able to lose myself, I shouldn't have to hold back. Thankfully I have a lot of time on my hands with no job related priorities, so I can just be myself and figure things out. I think I'm stronger and wiser than I was in the past and I'm so thankful, having first hand experience is painful but it's a lesson with a message I refuse to ignore.
"Oh my gosh Ariana!" I hear someone yell as they grab my arm almost twisting it so I can turn around and I instantly flinch and pull it away "oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you I just got really excited, I just landed in New York today and I'm a huge fan, I never thought I'd get to meet you and I just got ahead of myself, I'm really sorry" I see a young, kinda lanky boy say. I can see in his eyes that he's embarrassed and extremely apologetic and I try to do my best to smile. I didn't mean to flinch, I guess I've developed some reaction to what happened, which makes sense but right now I just have to 'walk it off' and be polite.
"Oh, no worries, it's fine. I was just completely zoned out so it kinda brought me back down to reality" I laugh. The boy laughs as well, clearly relieved that I don't hate him. I found out his name is Mark and he tells me all about how much I mean to him and the content that I've made before quickly taking a selfie which I try my best to hide from others so no one notices who I am and some sort of crowd forms. I watch as he thanks me again and seems to begin walking away to give me my privacy but for some reason I feel the need to admit something to him and I grab his arm to stop him "wait, uhm sorry I just wanted to say thank you as well. It's weird I always have a pleasure meeting 'fans' but I always feel like they gain more from the interaction than I do, which I'm fine with. Except, with you, it means a lot to me to hear that I helped you, I really needed to hear that today. So thank you" I say with a smile, it feels strange being so honest with a fan, I'm usually very closed off with most people, even those I do know.
"Wow, oh my gosh that's so sweet. You just made my day as well!" He exclaims and I can't help but let out a little giggle as we rave over each other one last time before parting ways. I think one of the things that will keep me going is knowing the impact that I've had on others, I'm glad that I can write stories that make people laugh, no matter what they're going through and to hear about their experience, to put a face with the Tweets and Instagram comments is nice. I'm also thankful for the interaction for another reason. Even though Mark doesn't know it, and probably never will, he is the first person aside Amy that I've really interacted with since the incident. Not only is it a major step in moving on but, it also showed me how big of an impact the incident had, I mean to him I just flinched because I 'zoned out' but really I flinched because I was instantly taken back to when Ricky grabbed me, I didn't even know that I felt this way till now.
*Beep beep* as if on cue to throw me out of my thoughts once again, my phone begins to vibrate. I see my friend and fellow comedian, Kevin Hart's name pop up on my screen and am instantly smiling as I pick up. "Hey what's up?" I ask trying to contain my excitement, I love Kevin he and I always make each other laugh a lot when we hang out and I'm also just glad to be talking to someone I love.
"Hey Ari, listen I know you don't like making an effort to going to events and parties and stuff so I had to call you personally. I'm actually having my people call a lot of other peoples people but for you, you're like my people and I gotta call my people, and I know you like to whine so I thought I'm gonna make the effort. So listen hear, and don't say no to me Ari! I'm having a birthday party next weekend in LA, you're invited, your neighbour's invited, your doorman's invited, everyone you want to invite is invited, just as long as you show up dammit! I mean you can also come alone just buy me a present as if it were from multiple people. Alright what do you say? Should I email you the deets? Imma email you the deets" he rants and I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous he is.
"Yea, sure, sure send me the dee-TAILS" I laugh as I hear him scream in rejoice on the other line. He's right, I'm not a big fan of parties, especially those in LA but I want to see him again and I want to get out. Even staying in a hotel in LA, my least favourite place ever, would be better than my apartment at the moment.
"Whoo! Alright, Imma send you the deets. See ya later babe! Hey Charlie we got one! We got one person to come" I hear Kevin joke as he hangs up making me laugh again. I guess I should go buy him a birthday present.
...
Harry's POV
"It's a pleasure to meet you" I say with a grin as I shake the hand of someone who works for Sony. Jeff had just introduced us unfortunately it sounded more like a mumble when he said his name so I have no idea what it actually is.
"I'm excited to hear the music you have in store for us" he says as we break away from the handshake.
"Yea, Harry just finished shooting his movie so I'm gonna lock him away in the studio fairly soon" my manager and good friend Jeff says. He's been saying this over and over again tonight as we go around introducing ourselves to 'important and respected' people. I don't know how most of these people became so 'important' they don't seem as serious about music as they are about business. It's something that I realized quite early on in my time in this industry and something I still observe and look for.
I watch as Jeff, and the nameless, very important, Sony exec talk about my music. I try my best to be polite and join in but I can't help but feel disconnected. Not to mention the fact that I'm watching two grown men discuss my music, like they control it, like they write it and they don't. Of course I love Jeff, he and I are friends and I get what he's doing, it's his job, I appreciate it in fact since he does a lot of the talking and that avoids me from being too fake.
"Well it's so good to meet you both. I look forward to talking some more in the future" the Sony exec says shaking my hand once again before walking away.
"Whew" Jeff exclaims, "this is not my kind of party" he jokes and I laugh. "Hey there's Ed! Why don't we go over to him before someone else slithers over" he adds and I nod my head in agreement as we head over to Ed.
"Hey what's up guys? This party is insane are you keeping up?" Ed says sarcastically as he see's us and gives us each a hug and we begin to talk about how serious and boring the event is. "Hey so listen, we heard Kevin Hart is having a party a couple blocks away. This thing is pretty much over, do you guys want to come with me?" Ed asks. I'm not really in the party mood but I've flown all the way over to LA it would be nice to be able to hang out with friends like Ed and so if he's going to the party I guess I will too.
"Sure, yea let's get the hell out of here" Jeff jokes and I nod my head in agreement as we begin to walk out of the party, stopping to say goodbye to some people along the way. I've met Kevin multiple times before since he and Ariana are quite good friends. He and I get on quite well and I'm hoping he won't mind us showing up, the fact that Ed just invited us to tag along is a pretty good sign of that. I continue to think about Kevin and mainly Ariana as we head out the back door and walk to the party since it's nearby. However, I stop thinking about her as I hear Jeff and Ed who are a couple steps ahead of me say my name. They're whispering but I can still just make out what they're talking about.
"Have you noticed Harry being a little bit quieter lately?" Jeff whispers.
"Yea, I did. Something's up, I don't think he's been the same since Ariana, do they still talk or anything?" Ed asks, he talks in a relatively normal voice but whispers Ari's name.
"I don't think so" Jeff admits. I want to break up the conversation by walking next to them since it's my personal life and they have no idea what Ari and I have been through but I choose against it. I didn't notice I was acting differently but I guess it's good to know, now I can change it so they stop talking about it. But, it also may make me start to move on and I refuse to let that happen.
"I don't think he should give up on her. I've never seen someone so affected by a break up, I've never seen him so affected by a relationship. So what if it's hard at times, I like them both, I hope they get back in touch" Ed admits and I can't help but smile because I hope so too.