A/N: I just... You know...
Jimin's POV
It didn't take long from me to realize I was the problem.
The first time I only thought it was weird and that maybe Jungkook was still awkward enough so he asked for my permission. But the second time, I knew something was wrong. We had cuddled before we even got together, not that kissing was a new thing for us either, but cuddling. Kids cuddled. Friends cuddled. Parents hugged their children.
The worst part was that usually Chim the voice would've been screaming the truth in the back of my head but now he was quiet. My head was a mess. Chim the voice didn't know what the truth was because the voices weren't the only one who thought Jungkook was acting strange.
So, no one was defending me. There was no "the other part of my brain", because all thought the same. I was the problem. Everything added to the fact I thought I was fat and that no one wanted me. Jungkook had once thought he did, but now he had realized the truth too.
It was a crushing feeling. When Sumin yelled at us to wake up, I got up quickly and ran to the shower. I didn't look at the mirror, I didn't look for the flaws I knew were there. I showered fast, not letting the tears fall. But after I turned the shower off, I stared at the bathroom wall for 5 minutes. Jungkook was going to leave me. On one hand it was nothing new. I had always known I wasn't meant to be loved so no one would care enough to stay by my side their whole life. I just had thought that maybe some things Jungkook had said could be true. I had had moments when I had believed that Jungkook cared and thought I was beautiful and that he wanted me.
Clearly, I had been wrong.
He stared at me a lot, though. I wasn't sure if it was out of guilt. He must have known he was going to break my heart at some point, or rather soon. When I went downstairs after changing, Jungkook offered me an apple but I shook my head at him. He didn't push it, and as I was happy about that, it also made me want to cry. He doesn't want you to eat, a voice said. Chim the voice stayed quiet.
Jungkook didn't take my hand when we walked to the school. He stared at our hands while we walked close to each other but made no move. I decided against it as well. If he didn't want to hold my hand, then I wouldn't make him. I wanted to scream at him and demand him to tell me why he was this way but I didn't want to hear it. I wasn't ready hearing you're not enough for me from his mouth. I was so sick of the voices telling it to me anyways.
I wasn't sure why Jungkook seemed so confused when I subtly ignored him the rest of the school day. I talked to Yoongi more than him and even Yoongi raised his brows at me when I gave Jungkook one word replies.
Before last class Jungkook had had enough. He pulled me from my sleeve to an emptier hallway. Even with his weird behavior, he had wanted to walk me to each of my classes. I did appreciate it but it felt even more weird with his behavior. He didn't want to touch me, but never left my side either?
"Jimin, what's wrong?" His frown was deep and he kept looking into my eyes, probably trying to look for the answer from there. But didn't he already know the answer?
I tucked my sleeve away from his grip. "Nothing's wrong." Lie. Everything was, and him pretending not to know it made my heart hurt. Why was he doing this?
"Something is!" he insisted loudly. "Tell me!"
I flinched away from him.
Jungkook's eyes widened. He took a softer tone immediately. "Tell me."
I refused to meet his gaze. The floor was more interesting than the fake interest in Jungkook's eyes. "You know what's wrong."
"Do I?" He let out a frustrated huff when I didn't answer. His finger's hovered under my chin and I knew he wanted to force my head up so I'd look at him. Still, he didn't touch. "Jimin..." he whined. "I don't know." Pause. "Is this an eating thing?"
It was strange how it made me feel fat when he didn't ask me to eat but then it made me mad when he assumed everything was about eating. He couldn't get it right, and God, I knew it was unreasonable for me to get mad but I did. "An eating thing?" I raised my head up and narrowed my eyes at him while I spoke from between my teeth. "An eating thing? Why do you assume that everything is about eating?"
"Because I know that when blood sugar goes low, people get cranky and –"
"I'm not cranky!" I was mad. There was a difference. "Not everything is about eating, Jungkook! I'm doing fine!"
"Then why are you like this?" I could see how the anger in him was starting to come to the surface. "Why are you acting like this?"
"Why am I acting like this? What about you?" I poked his chest with my finger. "What the hell are you doing?" My eyes were burning from unshed tears.
"I'm..." Jungkook didn't look angry anymore, just sad and helpless. "I'm trying to understand what's wrong..."
I rolled my eyes. I needed to go to class since we had already skipped school yesterday. "I.." I tried to control my feelings. Don't cry. My anger was fading and I felt tired and like everything was becoming too much. "I need to get to class."
"Jimin..." He grabbed my arm when I started to walk away. "I need to know what's wrong."
I sighed. "You know what's wrong."
He shook his head. "I don't. You said it's not about eat–"
"It's not", I cut him short. "It's not."
"Then tell me." Jungkook was basically hanging from my arm at this point.
I shook him away gently. "You already know..." I tapped my finger against my temple. "Think." With that I turned around and sneaked into the classroom, earning a glare from the teacher. I smiled at her apologetically and she let it slip. I dropped my books on the table and sat down, feeling Namjoon's eyes on me.
"Why are you late?" he questioned.
I just let my head hit the surface of the desk and let out a groan.
That was enough of an answer to him. "Same..."
I turned my head enough to look at him. "This day sucks."
"You don't say. I saw Jin. He looked happy. I hate that."
"I think he just looks like he is. I bet he's miserable."
"God, I hope you're right."
That brought a small smile on my lips. "You don't want to suffer alone", I stated.
"Nope. But you... What's wrong?"
This time a groan wasn't enough of an answer but I didn't have a real answer ready either. "It's nothing..." I offered with a sad smile, knowing he wouldn't buy it.
Namjoon got it. "Okay. If you want to talk, I'm here."
I knew that and I smiled as a thank you. But I couldn't talk to him. He just broke up, he didn't need my problems right now, nor did I think that he'd like to hear how Jungkook refused to touch me while he now had no one.
Oh, you might as well not have Jungkook. You're going to be alone soon anyways.
Thanks.
~
I was about to head off to the café with Yoongi when Jungkook ran after us.
"You're not going to wait for me?" he panted when he reached us.
"We were going to the café", I explained.
Jungkook didn't buy it. To be honest I wouldn't have bought it either. "You're avoiding me", Jungkook confronted and crossed his arms across his chest.
I bit my lip, not knowing what to say. Yoongi was no help. He even stepped a little back and took his phone out. "You know why."
"I fucking don't!" Jungkook shouted. "You don't tell me! I'm not a mind reader!"
I didn't like that he was shouting at me. I was so tired and it made my head hurt. "Don't shout."
"You're not listening to me on any other way."
"How would you know?" I laughed. I rubbed my eyes. "C-Can we talk about this when I get home?"
He nodded hesitantly. "Are you going to be out late?" he asked, now a lot more calmly.
"No."
"Okay..." He rubbed his neck awkwardly. "I'm sorry I shouted", he said quietly.
"It's fine." I smiled a little. At least he apologized. "I'll see you at home."
"Okay..." He took a step closer to me. "I really am sorry. I didn't mean to be like that, now or at school. I'm just confused."
You got me.
He pouted cutely. "Can I kiss you?"
There was it again: the fucking question. My face went blank and I stared up at him. "No", I said clearly. I continued walking, seeing an open mouthed Yoongi from the corned of my eye. I didn't stop to wait for him, and soon enough I heard his footsteps from behind me.
"You made him cry", Yoongi said quietly.
Good, I thought but felt bad right after. I didn't mean to upset him. I just was so fucking tired. My head hurt and I wanted to cry. I felt physically shit, and mentally too. I was confused, sad and million other negative things. And now I had hurt someone just because I was hurting.
You're a shitty person.
I know.
A tear slipped on my cheek but I brushed it quickly away. I could already see the café and didn't want Yoongi's parents to know what kind of crybaby I was.
While working, I felt a lot better. I had no time to think or sulk because I was too busy trying to remember how everything worked. I watched Yoongi's mom preparing different kinds of coffee drinks to customers and I wrote down how much of everything went to each drink. By seven I was ready to serve my first customer. She was a girl at my age and kept laughing at my expression when I tried to put the lid on and some of the whipped cream splashed on me.
"Are you okay?" she asked, covering her smile with her hand.
"Yeah, sorry." I smiled back. "This is my first drink, so..."
"Oh, okay." She glanced at Yoongi's mom who was amusedly smiling at me too. "Make's more sense now."
"Hey!" I tried to look offended. "I was doing fine before the lid!"
She tried not to smile. "Oh yes, you're right. Just one question, why did you look like you were building a computer, not making a coffee, the entire time?"
"I don't know how to build a computer."
She winked. "Exactly."
I laughed and placed her cup on the counter. "What would you have done if I had known how to build a computer?"
"I don't know." She shrugged. "You just don't look the type."
My smile almost vanished. "The smart type?"
"No! Definitely not!" She leaned elbows on the counter. "I mean the type who's more into computers than other things."
"What do I look like I'm into then?" I asked and the girl moved over to make room to the next customer whose order I took and started to prepare.
"I don't know."
"Good, because I don't know that either." I really didn't. I didn't know what was my thing. Except... "Though, I kind of like dancing."
The girl placed a hand on her heart. "Damn, that's hot."
I grinned but blushed under her gaze. "I... Umm... I don't dance that much anymore." This time it wasn't the lid but the piping tube of whipped cream that made me get whipped cream all over me. There was an air bubble, it popped and I felt how the whipped cream hit even my face. "Ugh... Sorry." I smiled at the customer and gave them their drink. "Have a nice day."
The girl couldn't stop laughing. "Is whipped cream your enemy or something?"
"Apparently yes." I wiped the cream off my cheek. "Don't say I have it on my hair."
The girl stayed quiet.
"So?"
"I thought you didn't want to hear it", the girl giggled. I groaned but didn't try to get it out because for all I knew I could get it smeared up everywhere. "But anyways... Why don't you dance anymore?"
"For starters I don't have money to take lessons." Second, I had been too depressed to dance and was just getting to it again.
"Well, lucky for you, my friends have a dance group. I'm sure you could get in if you showed them your skills."
What skills?
The girl cocked her head. "Are you interested?"
I was. Dancing was fun but I for a long time I had just been dancing in the basement, alone. Having a group would be amazing and I could learn all kinds of new things. I nodded enthusiastically. "Hell yeah." I grimaced after I realized I had cursed, but after glancing behind me and noticing Yoongi's mom had left, I relaxed. "Yes", I said this time.
"Great! I'll give you my number if you have questions and..." She must have noticed from my expression that I had a lot of questions about this (What were the people like? Where did they rehearse? Did they perform?). "Or... I could give you my number and we could meet in a few days and we could talk about it? I can even take the group leader with me so you could get to know her."
"Really?" This was almost too good to be true. "You would do that?"
"Of course! You seem nice, kind of clumsy but –"
"I thought we came to mutual understanding that whipped cream doesn't like me."
"BUT you look like you can dance, now that you told me that."
I smiled. You don't look completely helpless. "Thanks."
The girl took the receipt of her coffee from her pocket. I gave her a pen and she wrote her number on it before giving the paper to me. Minseo, it said and a phone number under that.
"Thank you." I stared at the number. Excitement bubbled inside me. I raised my gaze and she was already at the door, waving at me. "I'll text you, Minseo!"
"And I'll wait for your text..."
"Jimin."
"I'll wait for your text, Jimin."
I waved her goodbye. She disappeared and I looked at the number again. This was real. I could dance, truly dance, again. Someone cleared their throat behind me. I whirled around.
"You have a boyfriend", Yoongi deadpanned.
"Aish!" I hit his arm gently. He grinned back. "You know it's not like that."
He nodded. "Ready to leave?"
"Yeah." I looked around but everything seemed to be on place. I didn't do late shifts yet so I didn't have to clean up anything. "Let's go home."
After changing and telling Yoongi's parents that I was leaving – my shift had ended 10 minutes ago but I felt like it was a polite thing to do – Yoongi and I headed home. The air was chilly and only a few birds were singing. Other than that it was completely silent. The sun was getting ready to go down and the sky was painted pink.
"I hate to ruin this moment", Yoongi spoke after a few minutes, "but what's going on with you and Jungkook? You guys were fine yesterday."
I had kind of hoped I didn't need to think about all of it before I got home. I was less tired now, because Yoongi's mom had brought Yoongi and me some healthy snacks. She knew his son didn't eat anything if he wasn't pushed into it. The new energy made me realize how stupid I was. I should've denied the kiss from Jungkook because who knew how long I'd get to enjoy those?
Even with this new energy, my brain couldn't figure out why Jungkook was acting the way he was.
But it did realize that Yoongi could have some ideas, so I told him about Jungkook's questions and how he didn't know he was doing something wrong. I had hoped Yoongi had a magic cure to all this, however he seemed just as confused as I did.
"He won't touch you if he doesn't get a permission?!"
"Nope. I could understand the question 'Can I kiss you?' if we had never kissed, but c'mon, even you know that's not the case."
"Sadly, I do..." Yoongi muttered. He thought for a moment but ended up sighing when we arrived to the crossroads where we'd have to go to different ways. "I don't know. You have to ask form him."
"'Oh, Jungkook, why don't you want me anymore?'" I whined. "Could I get more pathetic?"
"Don't say it like that! Just ask him why he's being like that." Yoongi glanced at his clock. "Okay, I need to go." He started to walk away. "But ask him! He might have a reason!"
I was sure he had one.
You're fat. You're ugly. You're not enough.
I just didn't want to hear it.
A/N: Okay so... 100k reads... how. TELL ME HOW? How did that many people end up here? I don't understand. I truly don't. But I'm really thankful!! Thank you all for reading, was it this far or a page and then giving up!
On a side note, I'm not okay. I'M NOT OKAY. Jungkook called Jimin 'baby' on Bon Voyage. I'M NOT OKAY, OKAY?
Anyways, here's your weekly FIGHTING!!
Next update: (I'm so lazy. I sit on my ass for 5 days, then freak out because I haven't started to write the next chapter, then write a page on the sixth day, then in panic write the rest on the seventh) so 16th?