Songs:
Elastic Heart: Sia
A.J.'s POV
Victor's words took over my mind as I wondered aimlessly around my abuelo's land, waiting for everyone to get ready to head to town. I had no desire to be a tour guide, but I had promised, Dylan that I would show him around, assuring him that it would be the best experience he'd ever had. We both agreed that was putting a lot of pressure on one small town, but at the time it had given me hope to escape all things Harry related.
Now, Harry was all I wanted to focus on. I was selfish and wanted him. I needed him to hold me and feel protected by him. I was miserable and felt like only he had the remedy for my misery. He always seemed to have it. Like magic. That, too was a lot of pressure to put on one single human being.
I wanted the space away from him. He deserved to be free of me. I needed to be free of him. I knew this. My brain had that hardwired for months now and in just a short few weeks, my heart was outsmarting my brain, finding ways around the logic.
No matter what I tried to do, I was reminded of what I once had with Harry. I missed the way he spoke my full name with his accent when I once hated it. I missed sharing a bed with his overheated body that suffocated me, but was much appreciated. I missed the way his long, bony finger laced around mine, his hand clasping mine tightly, as if he would never let me go... At this particular moment, I even missed the arguing.
For one minute, I wanted to be selfish and not care what he wanted or needed. I needed him.
The closer I got to the hacienda, the braver I grew and the less I felt like I needed him. I pushed every surging emotion I was feeling for him or anyone else as deep as I could. This trip wasn't about me or Harry, or even my needy sister. It was solely to celebrate my abuelo and that was exactly what I was going to do.
I reached the steps of the back of the hacienda, pausing briefly to collect myself. I shut my eyes, inhaling and exhaling slowly, taking in all the scents. Once my mind was as clear as it was going to get, I forced the corners of my mouth up in a smile and took the steps two at a time. I entered through the kitchen, giving Rosita a kiss on the cheek as I thanked her for the wonderful breakfast, though I hadn't actually remembered what had even been served to us.
She simply smiled and offered me a bowl of mixed fruit that she was preparing for later on. I wasn't hungry, but I didn't want her on my case the way Alicia usually was about eating. I thanked her and went on my way to see how long it was going to take for us to leave. I had half a mind to just take off on my own, but that defeated the purpose of the promise I had made Dylan.
Just as I was easing myself into a good mood, it went out the window. Emilio sat in my grandparents family room with a group of cousins surrounding him as if he were God's gift to mankind. I rolled my eyes and sauntered my way over, casually shoving fork falls of fruit into my mouth.
It took them about five minutes to realize they were no longer alone.
"Buenos dias, Katarina," Emilio smiled my way.
"Morning," I offered the worst fake smile I could come up with, though he wouldn't catch the hint.
"Katarina," Maria Elena scolded as she entered the living space, arm in arm with Sarah. "Emilio has come to escort you to the fair. The least you can do is behave like your mother raised you and be semi polite."
"Sarah, didn't raise me," I muttered through another fork full of fruit. "I was raised by wolves," I giggled to myself, somehow finding humor in the situation. Here she was, seemingly praising her daughter for her parenting skills, when she herself had raised a daughter that had no issue selling her children to her benefit. Not that she was any better, but still. The irony was just too much for me to even pretend it wasn't funny.
"Katarina, behave," Maria Elena reprimanded, her eyes narrowing in my direction.
Flashes of my childhood came to me. I knew those eyes. She was getting pissed. As a child, she would have probably backhanded me or did something else to discipline me. Now that I was older, we both knew there was little she could do to keep me in check other than belittle me. And after Victor's words, my long walk and my own determination, she wasn't going to get very far with that tactic this time.
"Abuela, you can't stick me with Emilio anymore, ask my mommy," I smiled at Sarah with as many teeth as I could.
"What does she mean?" Maria Elena's face turned sour as she looked at her daughter.
"Katarina, stop," Sarah focused on me as Victor entered the room, trying to warn me not to keep talking.
"What's wrong mommy?" I chuckled softly. "You didn't tell Victor about the deal we struck?"
"What deal?" Victor smiled at his wife, unaware of what she had done.
"Nothing," Sarah muttered, slightly rolling her eyes. I wasn't sure if it was aimed at me or at her oblivious husband. Probably both.
"Hmm, I thought you told each other everything in a marriage," I hummed, adding more fruit into my mouth before I said something I didn't actually mean to say. "Well, I guess that's why I wasn't able to make my relationship work." I playfully snapped my fingers, mocking disappointment.
"You're tired," Sarah spoke up, walking over to me, taking my arm around hers, her other hands rubbing up and down my bicep, as if she were trying to soothe me. Almost like she was actually a concerned mother.
For a tiny second, I felt that. I felt like a young woman in need of her mother and her mother was loving enough to be there. Just for a second. As soon as we rounded the corner, she gripped my elbow as tightly as her fragile hands could, spinning me around to face her. And there she was. The mother I had come to adore.
"You need to stop," she fumed, nearly shoving me into the wall behind me.
I hid the tears that always threatened to pour from my eyes whenever we fought and just smiled instead. "We had a deal, Sarah." I reminded her. "I didn't virtually give up all my money for you to allow abuela to keep bringing Emilio around."
"Stop being so fucking dramatic, Katarina. Everything is a damn novela with you!" She groaned, tapping two of her fingers against my temple as hard as she could.
Without thinking, I shoved her hand away, instantly regretting it, like I usually did. As much as I couldn't stand her and as much as she did to me and my sister, she was unfortunately still my mother.
Again, I wanted Harry. I wanted to be whisked away to safety. Away from such a treacherous woman. And that thought alone made me curious. Never before was I dependent, on anyone and, still, I just wanted Harry. It always came back to him.
I wanted to talk to him. Tell him everything I was feeling. Take out my frustrations on him. Just breathe the same air as him if that's all I could get. I'd settle for that.
I reached up to touch the cross necklace that had, for many months, been housed around my neck, but it wasn't there. I began to panic internally, then I remembered where it was. I'd thrown it at Harry the night of his sisters engagement party in a fit of anger. It was a stupid gesture now, but in the moment, it was a necessity.
My lip trembled ever so softly which I easily disguised with a purse of my lips, but I feared nothing was going to stop the stream of tears that wanted to fall down my face or the sob that wanted to come out but was being contained by the lump in my throat.
"I give you everything," I managed. "Everything. All I ask of you is, peace. Please, mom." I begged. My emotions overpowering my pride. In reality, I was hoping she'd hear the hurt in my voice and some magical event would occur and her motherly instinct would kick in and she'd just hug me. Even for a moment.
But, that was wishful thinking. I don't think Sarah Rivera was programmed to have any motherly instincts. Or any affection for that matter.
"You want to bring up deals?" She hummed. "If that's what you want, keep up your end. In that deal, I'm no longer your mother. So this, is no longer your home or your family."
She stood before me, making sure I understood before disappearing back to the family room. My eyes rolled to the back of my head and my body collided with the wall behind me, sliding down slowly until my bottom hit the ground. I hugged one knee close to my chest while the other outstretched as far as it could. I suppose she had a point. One I had never thought of before.
Paying for my freedom had a higher price than money.
Was it even worth it at this point? Without Harry, there was no point in waiting for love to roll around. It just wasn't possible. He had been my last chance at love and I didn't even want him. How bad could it be being married to Emilio? He was good looking. And that's probably all I had in the pros list. It would be a smart merger. His family and mine. Not to mention the joy it would give Max to see his empire grow. It was a win for everyone.
"Kit," Chris called me out of my train of thought. "Are you crying?" He asked, instantly kneeling before me, forcing me to look up at him.
I shook my head and pushed his hand away. "I'm not crying, I'm just tired. I didn't have a good night."
It was total honesty.
"A little weed would fix you right up," he joked, wiggling his brows.
"Never again," I chuckled, pushing him aside to get up, not willing to re-live the experience from this past summer.
As soon as I was vertical, I was smothered against his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I tried to push him away, but soon gave up, my body going limp, accepting his hug. It wasn't what I had been silently praying for, but it was welcomed.
"That's enough," I sighed, nudging him away, forcing myself to suck back my emotions.
"Feel better?" He rubbed my arms, not ready to fully let me be on my own.
"I'm fine, Chris. Promise," I assured him, tapping his elbow so he'd let me go.
"Just- don't do anything stupid. I know that look you have, it's never good thoughts, so whatever you're thinking, stop."
"Can we just go to the fair already? It's going to get late."
He nodded in agreement, though he wasn't completely convinced that everything was okay, but he also knew it was as good as it was going to get.