Ever heard the joke, 'How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?' Well, here's another joke for you: How many men does it take to sort out a barbeque?
The answer, even though it isn't funny but simply pathetic, is seven, if you were wondering. Currently, my father, my two brothers-in-law's, my brother, Samuel, Samuel's brother-in-law and Isaac were all crowded around the outdoor fire kitchen, shouting over one another about whose method would get the barbeque up and running in the least amount of time.
Dad insisted that his method was the best. "Look, I'm the head of this family," he said in a threatening Godfather-esque tone of voice. Obviously, he's spent far too long watching Mafia movies. "I'll be doing it my feckin' way."
"But your way is wrong," Lucas dared to argue with our father.
Of course, once one stood up to Dad, they all started to vie for dominance, not least Isaac. "If we did it my way, we'd have dinner on the table in no time at all," he insisted, nodding his head in a condescending way. When he was questioned on his cocksure answer, Isaac simply smirked and said, "I'm Australian. We're Kings of the Barbie. Now, step aside and let me show you how it's done."
After that, I got bored of watching them all pissing around with the stupid barbeque. All I know is that they better get started as soon as possible because this baby and I were incredibly hungry and if we were starved any longer than necessary, I was all for killing on of the men and eating their flesh. I know it sounds extreme but I could not care less. I'm hungry. When I'm hungry, I'm angry. I'm hangry!
"Honestly, I could get the barbeque started quicker than those lot," Connie, Sam and Dan's grandmother, noted. At ninety-one years old, I did not doubt that she'd be more than able to do so but one of the conditions of us women being allowed outside on this fine, sunny day was that we weren't to meddle in the cooking. Sunbathing, drinking and gossiping were all we were permitted to do. Not that Constance Courteney was one to stick to the rules. "Just throw a match on it and watch it burn, you imbeciles! It's not rocket science."
In unison, the men all turned to look at the crowd of women that watched them. To say that they were unimpressed with Connie's outburst would be an injustice to the incredulous look that they all wore. I could see Dad itching to shout back at Connie but he's grown fond of Dan and Sam's grandmother in the year that they've known each other and he would never disrespect her in such a way. Sam, however, didn't think twice before shouting, "Keep out of this, Constance! Now, can we try it my way?"
The elderly woman who was still young at heart, rose from her chair around the table and stormed over to where the men were and promptly took over. The other ladies at the table and I laughed at how Connie was able to put the men to work, doling out jobs for them all to do and making sure that they performed their task to her high standards. Meanwhile, we watched as they ran around, cowing to her every whim.
Emma and Evie, Dan and Sam's sister, were gossiping about some woman they both knew from their yoga class, while Mum and Sophie were busy discussing their plans for a joint venture. Martha was running around the vast garden, water gun in hand as she played with Evie and Alistair's two boys, her screams making me laugh as the boys squirted her once again. I already knew that she was purposely getting caught just so that the boys were having a good time and I couldn't help but think how lucky my baby would be to have a sister like that.
Ever since Isaac admitted that he knew Nugget's gender, I've been thinking about whether or not I want to know too. A few weeks ago, I'd have killed to know but now that I've gotten used to not knowing, I find myself really looking forward to the surprise. Of course, I couldn't let Isaac off without some sort of punishment, the first being that I was now solely responsible for picking our child's name. That hasn't stopped Isaac from writing all his suggestions on Post-It notes and leaving them lying around- both boy and girl names just to keep me in the dark for a few weeks more. Yesterday, I walked into work and found that he's placed ten sticky notes around my office. God knows when he found the time to do that, but I actually liked some of the suggestions.
I wasn't so sure about Esra for a girl's name but it was cute and it would also work for a boy. The name Adelaide was one I could work with, as were Matilda and Verity. Everett and Jasper were no-no names, whileI'd give consideration to Joshua and Hayden. There were some, however, that I absolutely adore. Florence, Astrid and Lucy went straight onto my long list. Joseph, Beau and Henry were also ones that I loved. Not that I would tell Isaac this. For the foreseeable future, I was going to tell him how much I hated all his name picks.
"I can't believe my grandmother," Sam muttered as he came to sit next to me. I assume that he's carried out all his tasks already and is now avoiding the barbeque at all costs. In his hands, he carried a bottle of San Miguel which he sipped on casually. He looked across at my phone and smiled when he saw what app was open. "Still compiling a list, huh?"
I sigh. "It's harder than you think, having to name a human that you've never met before," I complain. "Maybe I can give naming duties back to Isaac. At least then he'll only have one gender to concentrate on."
"What?" Sam asked, genuinely confused by my comment.
After Isaac's revelation last week, I'd been wracking my brain wondering who else knew about this deception. Early on, I learnt that Michael had been in on it- albeit, briefly- but other than that, I'd been going through the list of possibilities. I even went so far as to corner Martha one evening, interrogating her when all the poor girl was trying to do was pour herself a cup of tea. She rolled her eyes at my accusation, which for me, was confirmation enough that she knew the sex of the baby too. Her reply of, 'I can neither confirm not deny. Do you want a cup of tea?' was an admittance of the accusation.
"Isaac and Martha already know what we're having," I explain to Sam. Closing the baby name app, I set my phone on the table and allow my hand to slide over my bump. Nugget's feet were near my left hip and the kicking was intensifying day by day. Night by night, too, because I was getting less and less sleep due to Nugget's gymnastic routine. "I'm punishing Isaac already through revoking our naming deal and by withholding sex, although, from the way my sex drive is intensifying, that's probably more a punishment on myself."
"Well, you could always punish him by having more sex," my best friend sniggers. When I stop to think about his idea, Sam bumps his elbow against mine and shakes his head at me. "That was a joke, Char. What's Martha's punishment?"
"I haven't thought that through yet," I admit. Usually, I was quite good with taking revenge on people but with Martha, I liked her too much to do anything drastic. Maybe I'll just add double the chilli powder in her food this week or something. No, I'll without my Netflix password. She's been busy with work for the past week and a half so I know she hasn't watched the new season of Orange is the New Black yet. Looking at Sam, I catch him fiddling with the watch on his wrist, a pensive look on his face. This year was the first year Sam, Dan and Evie were celebrating Father's Day since their father, Laurie, died. "How are you holding up?"
"It is what it is," Sam solemnly said. Suddenly, water squirted in his face as his nephews aimed their water guns at him. In what seemed like slow motion, Sam turned to face the boys and scowled playfully. As Martha was standing nearby, laughing hysterically, Sam quickly stole her water gun and chased after the boys like a mad man. When Sam had extracted his revenge, the three males all turned to Martha and grinned. "Boys? Ready, aim... fire!"
When Dad phoned and suggested everyone gather at his and Mum's house, I was sceptical of everything. I enquired as to his reasons for inviting everyone as in years previously, we'd kept it to family only. That was still the case, Dad explained. We'd gained Adam and Dan as in-laws last year but by extension of making Dan part of the family, we also gained Connie, Sam, Evie and Evie's family. They were all without fathers today, as is Isaac. His family are in Australia while his children were here in the UK. "Plus, Isaac is your baby's father so he can come and celebrate it with us, too," Dad theorised.
As the afternoon lingered on, I couldn't help but wonder how everything had changed for my siblings and me in the past eighteen months. Sophie had met, fallen in love and married the man of her dreams. Emma had married and moved back to London from New York. Lucas had received a lung transplant that had changed his whole life and he and his girlfriend, Milly, were still going strong. I, meanwhile, had received the biggest gift of all, Nugget. Oh, and Martha. Fine, ok, I'll even go so far as to include Isaac, too, but only as an afterthought.
Nevertheless, happiness and an abundance of love were obvious in the atmosphere today. It was far more prominent when we were finally sat around the table, card and gifts being exchanged. As Dad had insisted that he was Head of the Family, my siblings and I handed over our cards and gift first. He opened them all, a massive grin on his face when he saw that we'd all clubbed together to renew his elite golf membership.
Alistair was up next, receiving some ties and socks for Father's Day. He smiled and thanked his sons but the boys weren't done quite yet. Together with Dan and Sam, they handed over a cream envelope and waited for Alistair to open his final gift. "No way!" Alistair gasped as he looked at the card he held in his hand. He waved it around the table, not that anyone managed to get a good look at it. "Hey, Jimmy, looks like you get that golfing buddy you kept begging for."
"Golf is for old people," Martha noted. Suddenly, she produced a gift bag from under the table and handed it to Isaac who was sat next to her. "Happy Father's Day, old man."
Isaac kissed his daughter's forehead and warningly said, "This better not be golf membership." Delving into the bag quicker than a child on Christmas morning, Isaac made light work of the wrapping paper until he held his gift in his hand. He stared at the oak frame, his eyes wide. "Martha," he whispered out her name. "This is so thoughtful. I'm proud of you."
I already knew what the gift was; it was a heartbeat print, but it wasn't just any heartbeat- it was Martha's heartbeat, the one that showed up on one of her sonograms. Martha was telling me a few weeks ago about how she knew that her mother had kept a printout of her heartbeat and I suggested that she may want to call Alyssa to get a copy of it. At first, Martha wasn't sure about getting in touch with her mother but after a little coaxing, she braved the call and made the request. Alyssa agreed and when the photo arrived, Martha had it made into an artwork print for Isaac, an oak frame with the inscription of Fletcher Baby, First Edition etched on the bottom.
"Have you seen the card I got you?" Martha asked, a devilish grin on her face. "I think you'd be equally proud of that, too."
"'Who thought something so fantastic came from your balls,'" Isaac read the front of the card out loud. When the words registered, he turned to his daughter and said, "Oh, yeah, real proud of you for that one."
Martha smiles. "Thought you'd like it. Oh, here's your second gift!"
Another gift bag was thrown towards Isaac. With trepidation, he opened the bag and took out the card first. "'Happy Father's Day, love from the womb,'" Isaac said. He smiled to himself before opening the second gift. I had no idea what Martha had bought him and along with everyone else, I found myself leaning closer to see what it was. Shifting backwards and keeping the present close to his chest, Isaac opened it slowly and stared at it. With a sigh, he handed the gift to me and leant towards Martha to pull her into a tight hug. "I love you, bindi."
While they shared their father-daughter moment, I took the time to look at what Isaac had handed off to me. It was a print similar to the one of Martha's heartbeat, however, this one was slightly different. Just after each heartbeat, there were a few extra lines that weren't there on the first print, letting me know that this was a different person's heartbeat. I look at the inscription on the bottom and see the words Fletcher Baby, Second Edition staring back at me.
"Martha, this is..." I tried to find the words that would let me express how touching Nugget's heartbeat print was but words failed me. Instead, a stray tear fell down my cheek and I struggled to keep myself composed. "I can't believe that you did this."
Martha shrugged casually. "There was a buy one, get one free offer," she joked, although we all knew that she'd gone out of her way to buy this gift for Isaac. She waved her hand as if the details weren't important and quickly tried to avert the attention away from her. "Hey, Jimmy! I've had some ideas for this trip of ours but I'm not sure what you'll make of it."
"I'm all ears," my father said, eagerly awaiting Martha's suggestion.
"Ok, so it starts off with me standing on a street corner-"
Like a choir all singing from the same hymn sheet, everyone around the table suddenly shouts, "No!"
Martha jumps in fright. "Jesus!" She screams. "All I was going to say was that it starts with me standing on a street corner in a t-shirt that says LIFE and handing out lemons. You all need to have a little faith in me, peeps. Fine, if you don't like that idea how about I jump off a bridge? Bungee rope optional. Good idea or not?"
I don't say this enough but I love Martha!
What did you think of her gifts for Isaac?
What about her plans to stand on a street corner, being LIFE and handing out lemons?
And what about the bungee jumping?!
Ok, so we've all established that Isaac and Charlotte are having a baby but I'm the only one who knows the sex (because I flipped a coin!)
But, I've been doing some planning and here's what I've created for Charlotte/Isaac's future family-
1. They will have more than two children together.
(How many will they have in total, including Martha?)
2. They will have at least one boy and one girl.
(So, Fletcher Baby, Second Edition- boy or girl?)
3. One of their future children will have the initial N and another O.
(Wanna guess some name ideas?)
That's all I kinda planned so far.
What are your thoughts?
Have an awesome week and see you Wednesday!
Sarah, xx