SMS CASEFILES: KING OF EVERYTHING
CHAPTER ONE
THE CLEANING LADY SAVED ME FROM THE POLICE
Fraulein Snow.
23. April.
Office of the Secretary.
Municipal Hall, Kolkata.
My name is not Fraulein Snow.
In fact, my real name is nowhere near the sound of that.
I just whipped that name up when chaos ensued after I met a certain megalomaniac lunatic who was coincidentally and unfortunately blessed with a very superior intellect and a very poor—no, lower than poor—human skills.
It all started that day when I was boringly staring at our city mayor's secretary as she insensitively chastised and insulted my whole existence like a graceful frog sitting on a leather lotus inside her chamber of dead rats, flies, and stinky poo. Even her breath smells like one and it was hellish with the air-conditioner on.
"How would one describe you, uhh, Mr. Gomez?" she narrowed her eyes at me through her crescent reading glasses.
And for starters, that was my real surname.
Secretary McFroggy grunted a bit before she went on, "Good-for-nothing, an eternal trouble-maker, ill-mannered, scrupulous, rebellious–"
"Charming–"
"–fowl." She raised a brow and crossed her arms as she continued mocking me. "No one gave you the permission to talk."
I beamed.
"You see, Mr. Gomez, I have never been your teacher nor your neighbour but I've heard a lot about you from almost everyone in this city. You sure are infamous."
She paused and straightened her posture, which I reckon is a permission to protest and at least defend myself to give her more reasons to add up to her 'Why People Should Avoid Mr. Gomez: The Prologue'.
"Ma'am," I strongly stopped myself from calling her Secretary McFroggy, "I'm just here to see if I could ask for a job."
"Where did you learn how to speak in English?" she still had that suffocatingly condescending air, but nevertheless, I knew she was impressed.
"My mother was a journalist and a radio broadcaster and my father is Norwegian. Though they separated."
She grimaced sourly and nodded. "That must be the reason why your upbringing is very poor. Your mother is the crazy woman loitering around the town plaza, isn't she?"
I dramatically nodded in agreement to piss her off—I knew she's having fun stepping down on me and generally everyone.
And it worked.
With her left lip twitching, she barked, "Off you go! No available jobs for rebels and undergraduates and generally kids from the slums!"
"Wow," a scoff escaped my lips and I shook my head in disbelief. "You're like, saying that you can't allow a stupid man to go to school because he's too stupid? Or a homeless man to work to have a decent home because he's homeless? What the fuck?"
She pounded the table with her fists and her nostrils flared in anger. "Aba, Gomez! Makinig ka–"
"Oh, bakit nagTagalog ka na?"
She threw daggers of glare at me.
And I dodged with a smirk.
"Get. Out." She hissed.
"Whatever, fine." I continued smirking at her as I stood up as formally and as eruditely as I could muster. My mother might be crazy but she taught me how to act like a human being even though I'm talking to a purebred swamp frog.
"Ayoko nang makita ang pagmumukha mo dito." She added, her voice seething with anger.
"Same." I shrugged.
I left the room and contemplated for a bit outside the office of the great secretarial amphibian. Was it worth it? Did I serve what she deserves?
I should've had my revenge earlier since I knew from the start she wouldn't give me a part-time job.
But I know who will.
Mayor's Office.
Municipal Hall, Kolkata.
First thought when I sneaked in to the mayor's office: Ahh, the cool breeze and the sweet scent of our taxes.
Everything was in order, everything was clean. It looked more like a hotel lounge than a mayor's office. There was a Roomba on the floor, scurrying from one place to another, doing its job of cleaning. A chandelier illuminated the entire receiving area, and the couches were of an immaculate green colour.
Kolkata is a small city, I mean, it's a miracle that it's even been considered as a city, and it had never occurred to me that we have such a fancy mayor's office.
Perhaps it was the main reason why the city is not flourishing, don't you think so?
It was lunch break, and I even went home first before going here just to don my best suit – which is an unpressed white polo and some jeans that I got for Christmas a few years ago. Such is our poverty but I am most decidedly rich in manners and knowledge.
I got through the doors and passed the guards as sneakily as possible, and saw the mayor eating lunch on his table.
He saw me a few seconds later and I said, "I'm sorry! Hindi ko po alam na kumakain kayo. Pinapunta po kasi ako rito ng secretary niyo. Hindi po siguro niya napansin na lunch break na."
The mayor nodded, determined to finish his lunch before talking to me.
"Maghihintay na lang po ako dito sa labas." I said, smirking to myself before standing outside the mayor's office door.
I grinned to myself and whistled a low tune while waiting. The guards noticed me, but before they could usher me away, I said in the politest manner I could ever muster, "Galing po ako sa loob, ang sabi po ni Mayor maghintay daw po ako dito sa labas."
Luckily, they just shrugged me off and continued whatever they were doing with their lives.
A few minutes later, the door opened and the mayor peeked outside.
"Ano kamong pangalan mo, hijo?" he asked, gesturing to let me in.
"Kiel Alf Gomez po." I put on my best smile and followed in. The mayor sat at his table and I remained standing.
"Ang sabi mo ay pinapunta ka rito ng secretary ko? Bakit?"
"Kumuha raw po ako sa inyo ng advice para makakuha ng trabaho ngayong summer."
"Talagang sa'kin ka pinaderetso at hindi sa Labour?"
"Uhh," I suddenly ran out of words.
Sumugod ako nang kutsilyo lang ang dala.
Umisip ka ng paraan, Kiel Alf Gomez.
"Teka, kakausapin ko muna ang secretary ko para makasigurado." The mayor dialled a few numbers on the phone in front of him and that's when I started to get officially nervous.
Sana nag-lunch break 'yung secretary. Sana nag-lunch break 'yung secretary.
I watched him put the phone at his ear and wait for the secretary to answer it, and then sentence me to my demise. I watched in pure horror, but I didn't let the mayor notice that. He raised an eyebrow, making my heart skip a beat, and set the phone down. "Hindi gumagana ang isang 'to."
PLEASE DON'T WORK AT ALL.
He stood up and walked over to the table just beside the hanging shelf full of trophies made out of gold, silver, bronze, and even glass. The mayor took the handset but before he could dial the number to his secretary's office, the shelf that I was reverentially admiring suddenly collapsed on him.
CLINK, CLANK, BAM!
I was caught off guard!
Anong ire-react ko?!
Ilang kilograma ng metal at salamin ang dumagan sa mayor ng lungsod namin at ngayon ay kumakalat na ang dugo sa carpet nilang mas mahal pa siguro sa buong bahay namin.
Napatitig lang ako sa mayor. Anong gagawin ko?!
Sisigaw ba ako ng tulong?
Aakusahan lang ako ng mga tao, lalo na't ang laki ng galit sa'kin ng secretary.
Kapag umalis ako, mas lalo nila akong pagdududahan.
Anong gagawin ko ngayon?!
Biglang may isang blond na batang nakasalamin na pumasok at may dala siyang isang walis na may Pokemon keychain. His entire get-up wasn't that convincing, to say the least. The poor broom looked so out-of-place since the boy was clearly a foreigner.
Then he spoke in a very serious manner, "Hi, I'm the cleaning lady—OHH is that a dead body?"
His eyes twinkled and he ran to the mayor, throwing the broom away. He took out black leather gloves and wore them, examining the mayor's body like a bloody detective. On top of it all, he was humming as if he's enjoying the whole thing!
"Oi, bata! Patay na tao 'yan, 'wag mong galawin!" I yelled to him, getting up from my seat.
He stared at me and raised an eyebrow. Moments of silence took over the place as he silently judged me, until the Roomba bumped into him.
He gasped happily and picked the Roomba up, saying, "Oh hello there, little cleaning dog, what do you have there?"
"Bata! Kailangan nating tumawag ng pulis at umalis dito!" I yelled once again, and again he just stared at me. "Hindi mo ba ako naintindihan? Do you speak Tagalog? Did you not understand me? I said there's a dead body!"
"There's a dead body, yes, brilliant observation for an idiot. And yes, I can understand Tagalog, I just don't understand stupid."
I pursed my lips to contain my anger. "Look, I'm trying to be a good boy here because I need a job so don't ruin—don't you ever freaking ruin—this for me. Now let's go outside and tell everyone the accident that happened."
"This is not an accident," the blond boy smirked. "This is murder."
"NOOO, this is madness!" I groaned and headed for the door, holding the knob and waving my hand. "I don't want to be involved in any of this so FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, let's. Leave. This. Place!"
The door suddenly opened and the secretary, together with a few guards, went in.
The secretary's eyes widened and were immediately on me as she saw the mayor's dead body. "Hulihin ang batang 'to at tumawag kayo ng pulis!" she barked, then she crouched down to fix the strap of her heels.
The guards grabbed my arms and were this close to hauling me away from the room into the police station, if it wasn't for the blond annoying kid earlier.
"Why are you taking him away?" he asked.
Oo nga, bakit niyo ba ako huhulihin?!
"Inosente po ako! Aksidente po ang nangyari!" I cried.
"Anong nangyari dito-" Vice Mayor Miguel Bergwin entered the room and had the same reaction with the secretary. "Sino ang dalawang batang ito, ma'am sec?"
The secretary didn't remove her eyes off me. "Nahuli po silang nandito, Sir Bergwin."
The blond kid's eyes twinkled again and he waved his hands, "Hi! I'm William Wyse, thought you need to know."
There's something wrong with the way he said his name, but that's not my problem anymore.
"K-Kilala niyo po ako, inosente po ako!" I said as I tried to pull my arms away from the guards' grasp.
"And did you really think that a boy like him can actually pull off a scheme like this to kill the mayor? And firstly, why would he kill the mayor?" William smirked and fixed his eyeglasses, his features seemingly wolfish and scary. "So again, why are you taking the boy away?"
Binitawan ako ng mga guardia at napatakbo ako sa likod ni William.
"Bigla lang pong bumagsak 'yung shelf, nakaupo po ako dito sa upuan!" sabi ko.
Humirit na naman 'yung secretary. "Sinong maniniwala sa anak ng baliw?!"
Oh.
Right.
No one will ever believe a son of a crazy woman because God knows he's crazy as well.
"I do." William suddenly said. I stared at him as he continued, "I believe him, and I also know that this is not just an accident."
"Paalisin na ang dalawang batang ito!" The secretary turned to the guards.
"Teka, gusto kong marinig ang sasabihin ng batang 'to." The vice mayor said, giving William a chance to explain.
Again, William smirked and puffed out an air of satisfaction and authority. "The mayor was killed."
"William anong sinasabi mo...?" I whispered behind him. "It was an accident! I was there when the shelf collapsed."
"Shut up, I don't need that input." He hissed back, then painted his face with the most regal expression I've ever seen on a child my age. He cleared his throat and asked the vice mayor and the secretary, "How long has this shelf been here?"
"Two years." The secretary answered.
"And it collapsed just now?"
"Baka bumigay dahil hindi na kinaya." The vice mayor said.
"Oh now we're insinuating that it's an accident, huh?"
Everyone fell silent.
"So, Mr. SNAFU," William turned to me and gave me a meaningful look, like, Obviously you're Mr. SNAFU. "What happened, exactly?"
"Okay, so, uhm," I locked eyes with him as I recalled what happened, because I wanted to make sure that I don't say anything wrong.
"Just tell the truth," he reassured.
"Okay." I turned to the secretary and the vice mayor. "Humingi po ako ng tulong sa mayor para makakuha ng trabaho, at nagsinungaling po ako na si Ma'am Secretary ang nagpapunta sa'kin sa office niya."
"Tingnan mo, sinungaling ka talagang bata ka!" The secretary snapped. "Bakit ka namin paniniwalaan?"
"Because he's an eye witness and I'll know if he's lying." William said with so much conviction that even I got worried. I hope everything I say is true and correct. "Continue,"
"H-Hindi po gumana 'yung telephone sa lamesa niya kaya tumayo po siya at ginamit ang phone na nasa lamesa malapit sa shelf! Tapos no'ng kuhanin niya po 'yung handset ng phone, bigla pong bumagsak ang shelf!"
Tahimik na nakikinig si William hanggang sa nagtanong siya, "So did the shelf collapse first before he picked the phone up or...?"
"He picked the phone up first. Hindi pa niya natatapos ang pagdi-dial sa tatawagan niya dahil biglang bumagsak ang shelf."
"And he was attempting to call who?"
"His secretary."
"Hmm, so it's all clear now."
"What's clear now?"
"It's clear that you're an idiot."
"Wow thanks."
"You're welcome. And uh, you're the secretary, right?" he removed the glove from his right hand and took out a plastic bag. "You see, I found this from the cleaning dog-"
"You mean the Roomba," I said.
"I know, stop embarrassing me." He hissed. "Ahem, so this plastic bag has a metre long transparent nylon string that I found on the Roomba. If I were to put each ends from the telephone to the shelf hinge that collapsed, it suspiciously had exactly the same length." He smirked at the vice mayor and said in sing-song, "What-could-it-mean?"
I think I'm getting what he meant but I'm in doubt.
"So this string is tied to a loose bolt that will serve as a trigger for the shelf to collapse, and could only be activated if pulled. Now what could be used to pull it, hmm?" William paced around the room as we watched him either in awe or in horror. "Thanks for the brilliant silence, everyone, you are correct. The phone. The other end of the string was attached to the phone, so when the mayor picked the phone up, he unknowingly pulled the string and the bolt, and the shelf collapsed, thus killing him.
"Now to hide the murder, the culprit used the Roomba to vacuum the evidence away and make it appear like an accident, but we all know that this is not an accident. This was supposed to be a locked room murder case, but with an idiot inside."
"I'm the idiot you're talking about, aren't I?" I muttered behind him.
"No, you're smart enough to know that I'm referring to you so I take that back."
"So kung sinasabi mong murder ito at hindi aksidente," the vice mayor said, "Sino ang pumatay? Kilala mo ba?"
"Of course I do," William smiled and giggled and jumped on his place like a seven-year-old. "I said that there was a loose bolt... so whoever has the nut is the culprit!"
There was a collective gasp.
"Sino...?" the vice mayor asked.
"So if you wanted to pick up something but you don't want to be suspicious, what will you do?"
Again there was silence.
William chuckled. "You'll pretend to fix the strap of your heels and pick the evidence up. Am I right, Ms. Secretary?"
The secretary paled and her eyes were wider than before.
William walked over the secretary, hands behind him. "I actually thought you just barged in this room because you had business with the mayor, you know, secretary stuff. But then your first words inside were orders to capture Mr. SNAFU here and to call the police instead of the ambulance. And you even came in with guards, why is that? How would you know what to bring when the mayor wasn't successful in making the call? If it was the crashing sound that you've heard, normally a person would check on it first before calling the guards. So will you show us your pockets, ma'am?"
SEVEN-MINUTE SEMBLANCE CASEFILES: KING OF EVERYTHING
TO BE POSTED ON MAY 2017. SEE YOU AROUND, CIAO!