trigger warning: suicide
~~~~~
"I threw away my humanity, so that I could rise above the monsters," Chi breathed, her lips hovering
above Levi's. She smiled and pulled away before turning to the rest of the Corps—which consisted of all of her former friends. The ones she'd trained with in the 104th Trainees Squad.
"Nice to see you guys again," she said, still wearing that familiar grin. Everyone stared at her with wide eyes.
"Chi... your eyes," Eren breathed. The look on Mikasa's face held a lot of regret and anger.
"You are such a blithering idiot," Mikasa snapped. "Why did you leave without saying anything? Do you know how worried I was? How worried all of us were?"
Chi looked away and mumbled, "But I'm alright." Levi grabbed her wrist and pulled her aside as the Corps began to whisper amongst themselves.
"Why did you leave?" he seethed, pulling her close and talking lowly. Her smile was still there
"Oh, Levi," she sighed. "Once I kill every single titan in existence, I will finally be able to rid myself of this world. Once my mission is finished."
"What the hell, Chi? Why are you like this? Do you really believe that you, alone, could kill every single titan on this planet?" He raised an eyebrow in disbelieve. She only returned it with a malicious look.
"Yup." The answer was simple, short, and without a shadow of doubt.
Levi scoffed, waving is hand. "No matter how much you, me, and everyone else wants it, it's not physically possible. That's but the most outrageous pipe dream I've ever heard."
Chi shrugged. "I don't care. Why do you?"
"...I don't. We had to leave on our 57th expedition without you. However, what I do care to know, is why you didn't let me know you were planning to pull a nasty trick ahead of time." Chi dropped her gaze to the ground, unable to hold Levi's steely one for any longer. Her hushed voice dropped to barely a whisper.
"...Because all I do around here is cause trouble. I'm only a hindrance. My presence is unwanted."
A heavy sigh rocked through Levi's chest. "You idiot. You're wrong this time."
"Why else do you think I ran away?" Chi roughly jerked her arm away from his grip . "Just leave me alone. I've gone rogue. You can no longer tell me what I can and can't do."
"Regardless of what you say, I can't leave you alone. Don't you think you could've done something else while you were gone? Maybe something... productive?"
"...I did do something productive."
Levi frowned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Tch. And what is that?"
"I killed. All I did was kill. I stopped counting after a few dozen." Levi's eyebrows arched in surprise, but he regained his calm façade immediately.
"Over one hundred titans have lost their lives to you in just one week's time?"
"Much more than that, for sure. Maybe even a hundred, I don't know."
"...Why?"
Chi stamped her foot impatiently, shaking her head. "Why what, Levi?"
"All you ever think about is killing titans. Why? What about your comrades? I want to know why you'd go as far as forsaking your teammates because you don't know how to control your emotions. You would leave them behind to fend for themselves? What if someone got hurt? Or worse—what if someone died?" Chi's golden eyes flashed with anger.
"Leave them? Are you insane? I value any of their lives over mine. I only left because I was a burden to you! My presence was nothing that could help them. Don't feed me such lies. I didn't want to bring them down with me. You know more than anyone that my comrades are my family."
Levi stared at the wall with a glum expression, crossing his arms. "Well, then. I suppose I should tell you now, since it seems no one else has done so yet."
"What?! Tell me what?!" Chi stamped her foot impatiently again and Levi's scornful poker face drooped into a frown. All went silent.
"...Petra," he said quietly. "Oluo. Eld. Gunther. They're dead."
At first, the words were only words. But then they took on a meaning, and the shock hit Chi in the chest like a wall. It felt as if her chest had turned into a vacuum, caving in, losing air, becoming hollow. She recoiled and shook her head, wringing her hands in front of her chest. "What? No. No, they can't be. Levi, you're lying. You're lying."
His face was stone.
Chi's heart stopped, and she grabbed her head. "No. No, no, no, I didn't—I didn't mean for it to happen like this!" She slumped down to her knees and tears brimmed her eyes.
"I could've done something." She looked up at Levi pleadingly. "I could've done something, couldn't I? It's like you said, but no..." She shook her head, her entire body trembling. "I was so selfish. I was only thinking of myself. All I wanted to do was hasten my own death... but I didn't mean for others to die first...!" Many heads turned to spectate the commotion.
Chi slumped over and held herself. Levi watched, unable to say anything as he choked on his pain.
Chi wouldn't ever be able to experience it again: Petra's kindness. Oluo's clumsiness. Gunther's jokes. Eld's encouragement. But they were so strong, she believed that they would be fine partaking this mission by themselves; after all, prior to when she joined, they functioned quite well as a team already. The grief came down to a slow throb, and then anger took place. Shakily, Chi stood and grabbed Levi's hand.
"Please," she begged. The tears had stopped, replaced with a grimace, though her cheeks were still wet. "Tell me. How did they die?"
Levi refused her for a few moments but she gave his hand a gentle squeeze and he complied. "It was... the female titan." Chi's eyebrows knit together and she clenched her open hand.
"I will..." she growled, her breaths quickening, "...slay all of the titans!" Chi began to turn, readying herself to sprint off into the wild once more. But before she could, Levi stopped her and grabbed the front of her jacket to pull her close.
"Then do it with the Corps," he demanded. "Don't do this alone. We'll all do it together. The only other person who wants it as badly is Eren—he's your lover, isn't he? If he is, you should stick by his side and we will all fight together. I swear it to you."
A scoff escaped Chi's mouth. "Me? Eren? My lover? What a delusional presumption." Her hard expression softened. "Although, I'm sorry that your lover, Petra—" she choked on her name, "—isn't... isn't here anymore. I really am." It was Levi's turn to laugh humorlessly.
"You're incorrect. Petra worked under me. Her loss will do a great deal of damage to our forces, but there was nothing romantic between the two of us." A guilty wave of relief washed over Chi, but her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"Then why did you say you were already in love with someone?" Chi asked, confused. Levi sighed deeply and rolled his eyes.
"I already told you, you never let me finish." Then he pulled her face close.
"I'm in love with you, idiot," he whispered. Her eyes widened but he pulled away and headed back to his horse. "But my feelings toward you will not change the place where you stand. You're still my subordinate; and you're coming back with us."
"...Wha—" Chi breathed, glued to the spot. Millions of questions and feelings swarmed in her head. She nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt a small tap on her shoulder. Hastily, she whipped around to find Armin standing there, but he looked just as anxious as he did.
"Armin?" Chi blinked. He gulped, a bead a sweat trailing down the side of his face.
"ChーChi..." he stammered.
"What?"
"Yーyour eyes... why are they like that?" Her hands started to fiddle around with each other as she fought for an explanation.
"Oh..." She glanced up to see everyone else behind him, each staring at her also. Her shoulders sagged; they all looked at her with the exact same gaze. As if she were an outsider—a monster. "Personally, I'm not really that sure." She let out a small chuckle turned her gaze to the sky to hide the stinging in her eyes.
That cursed gaze.
Once more... I am pushed to the edges.
I am but a monster.
Cursed.
Truly, truly cursed.
"Armin..." Chi murmured. His nervous gaze snapped up to her.
"Yーyes?" he answered.
"...What do you think of me?" He stiffened at the sound of the question, but scratched his cheek at the thought.
"Why?"
"Well... look at me. I'm—" Her voice faded to barely a whisper. "—a monster." It truly hurt her to say that. She stood strong as a tear slipped down her cheek, rolling off her chin and hitting the ground.
"No you aren't, Chi." The tone of his voice became much softer. "To me... you're my friend." Her eyes widened when she heard his words.
"...Friend?"
"Yes." He smiled warmly. "You're my friend." He gestured to everyone else behind him, who were now looking away with a look of shame on their faces. "And these guys are your friends too."
Then, it dawned on her. Friends... she had friends. All traces of her wishing for death so badly seemed to wash away, even if only in that instance.
"My... friends," she whispered. His words resonated in her head.
She was not alone. She had Eren. And Mikasa. And Armin. Hanji. The rest of the Corps.
But above all... she had Levi. A strange, new warmth spread through my heart. She could feel it; the millions of pieces of her heart nearly glued back together. But... by what? What was this strange feeling?
"Chi!" Armin explained, pointing at her face
She cocked my head inquisitively, bringing a hand to rest upon her heart. "Your eyes have returned back to normal."
"I know," she said.
"But personally," Armin leaned in closer and raised a palm to hide his mouth and whispered, "I think they're pretty cool."
Chi's face lit up when he spoke. He gave her a kind smile. She drew him into a tight hugged, her cheeks hurting with how largely she smiled. He yelped in surprise, which drew eyes, but Chi ignored the stares and nuzzled her cheek into his.
"Oh, thank you, Armin!" she cried happily. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! No one's ever told me that before!" He hesitated nervously before patting me gently on the head.
"Nーno... problem?" I finally released him with a huge smile on my face. It'd been awhile since I felt that happy. "Anyway... what are you, Chi?"
The question I dreaded the most came. The happiness slowly drained away, and my smile melted. "I... I don't know," I answered, looking down. "That question's been on my mind for a long time." I twiddled my fingers and shifted from foot to foot nervously. His touch on my shoulder stopped me.
"It's okay," he reassured, "then that means we'll all help you get through it together, okay?" I nodded and gave him a small smile before he walked away to join Reiner by a horse. Nervously, I decided to approach Eren. Mikasa stood protectively by his side, ready to take me down if anything happened. Weakly, I smiled at him but his face was serious.
"Chi," he deadpanned.
"Eren," I said. It shook me a little when he suddenly grabbed my arms roughly.
"Where the hell have you been?!"
"...Outside the walls." Now it was his turn to be surprised.
"What?" Mikasa joined in with him in unison.
"I've been living outside of the walls for the past week."
"How?!"
I shrugged indifferently. "I have my ways."
"How did you survive for so long?!"
"I killed."
"...You could've at least left me a note or something," Eren complained. I rolled my eyes but smiled at his words.
"I did."
"All it said was 'don't look for me'! I was so worried for you!"
"You didn't need to be."
"Chi. You baka." He then pulled me into a rough embrace, which earned a glare from Mikasa. I smirked; she was always getting worked up whenever anyone touched Eren at all besides herself. I ignored her and wrapped my arms around his neck, enjoying his wonderful warmth again. He was always there when I needed someone. "I'm just glad you're safe."
"I'm glad you're safe," I stated, retreating. "After all, you are the titan shifter. It must be cool."
"You have the wrong idea." I laughed.
"Okay, whatever you say."
"Speaking of 'wrong ideas'... are you and Heichou together?" My cheeks flared at his question.
"Whーwhat?! What kind of q-question is this?!" I covered my face with my hands, not willing to show off the red of my cheeks. Unluckily for me, Jean sauntered over.
"Ooh," he cooed. "What's going on over here?"
"Something's going on between Heichou and Chi," Eren informed, raising an eyebrow at me.
"Oh, yeah. It's been obvious for a while now."
"What?!" I squeaked. "What do you mean it's been obvious?!"
"It's very noticeable when you guys flirt," Reiner jumped in. "We may be oblivious, but we aren't dumb."
I cowered at the sudden amount of conversation. Had people been listening to us? "IーI didn't say that. Just, thーthere's nothing going on be-between Levi and I!"
"Look! She doesn't even call him Heichou!" Connie barged in, too. "They're already that far!" By now, the entire Corps - aside from Hanji and Leviーwere surrounding me, several "aw"s and "ooh"s echoing the air. I couldn't have felt more mortified ever.
"So have you guys kissed yet?" Christa egged on. Her sky blue eyes were shining with hope and excitement. Geez, did these people take pleasure in my suffering?! But at the question, the scene replayed in my head again, where he captivated my lips into his. I touched my lips softly, reminiscing about the feel of his gentle lips against mine.
"THEY'VE KISSED!" Sasha announced, spewing out a few pieces of chewed bread. In her hand was the loaf with a bite taken out of it. She grabbed onto my shoulders and started squealing. "Aw, Chi, you're too cute!"
"I'm a few years older than you!" I protested. My face was still buried in my hands. My cheeks were burning so brightly, I swore they were redder than Mikasa's scarf. Suddenly, a dark shadow crossed my vision and I couldn't see anymore. "Whaー?"
Someone shushed in my ear. "All of you, quit screwing around and get back to getting ready to leave," Levi's voice demanded. Instantly, the loud chattering died down and mumbling replaced it before I heard multiple footsteps walk away. An arm snaked around my waist and pressed my back up against someone else's broad chest. Wait... I recognized this position.
"One minute," he said again. I finally realized that his voice was coming from directly behind me - meaning he was covering my eyes?
"Yes, Heichou?" a voice I recognized as Ymir's spoke up.
"This girl," the shadow blocking my eyes finally lifted, and I blinked rapidly at the sudden fill of light. When I focused, the Corps were all standing and played out in front of me in and unorderly fashion, each with their fists over their hearts in a salute. "She's mine. So don't you dare try and steal her." My heart stopped at his words. Some squeals arose from the group, most likely from Christa and Sasha. Woots from probably Connie and Reiner cheered. My cheeks were hot with my eyes widening in complete shock.
Did... did he just announce his love for me in front of my friends?! Hanji appeared beside us and winked at me. "Looks like you scored a shortie," she smiled, patting my head. Levi, who was still holding me, glared up at her with an irk appearing on his forehead. I couldn't resist the small giggle that escaped my throat.
"Shut up, idiot," he growled, looking away.
I laughed even harder before saying, "What if I won't?" He then spun me around and grabbed both of my cheeks roughly, staring intimidatingly into my eyes.
"Tch. Then I'll make you," he smirked before planting a deep kiss right onto my lips. Cheering and applause arose from near me - my friends! I gasped, allowing his tongue to slip into my mouth.
'Why is he doing this now?!' I screamed in my head, but I couldn't help wrapping my arms around his neck and melting into him. He kissed me with a passion, like he'd been holding back for a long time. I wrapped my fingers in his jet black hair, running it through multiple times. His tongue explored every crevice in my mouth, having obvious dominance. He pressed my body up firmly against himself with a hand on my back, the other also entwining itself into my own hair.
Soon, he we finally broke from each other, gasping for air. My head was buzzing with adrenaline, excitement pumping through my veins. He still kept a strong hold on me, squeezing me tightly. The audience had hushed down, but now they had expressions of surprise.
"That's kinky," Jean called out. Laughter broke out in the crowd, people roaring. I blushed furiously and buried my face into Levi's chest, not allowing anyone to see how embarrassed I was.
"This proves that she's mine, and mine only," Levi said calmly, clutching me. It felt so nice to be back in his arms once again.
And this warmth... I loved it. I remembered it now. It was something I felt so long ago, it seemed like time had swept it away forever.
This warmth... of loving, and being loved.