A/N: It would mean a world to me if you voted and commented <3
Jimin's POV
The lessons were too long without Jungkook there, all except math, and that was the subject I hated. Though, it always brought a smile to my lips when Jungkook's brows furrowed and he had a pen hanging from his mouth as he tried to explain things to me. Apparently the "book is stupid, don't do it like that" was Jungkook's favorite phrase while at class. It was fine that I ended up not understanding a thing since the way Jungkook explained was way too complicated, because I got to look at him.
Now I didn't.
It was the class before lunch. Jungkook and I had spent a lovely break making out in a bathroom stall. Nothing much, just innocently kissing, but I knew I wanted more. I knew I wanted him and had to hold back, because I also knew Jungkook wasn't ready. I hadn't dared to ask him about anything so I didn't really know but assumed so. He was way too awkward. And I could wait, as long as needed.
I groaned as I felt my cheeks burning at the thought of doing something with Jungkook, and I let my head hit the cool surface of the table. I didn't even know what I wanted to do with him. It's just hormones, Jimin, I told to myself.
"Dude, are you okay?" Hoseok asked, and as I tilted my head to look at him, he looked a little worried.
"Mmm, I'm fine", I mumbled. It was the truth, though I would've been better if Jungkook was here.
Hoseok let out a laugh. "You'll see your other half soon."
"Huh?" I raised my head from the table and quickly wrote what the teacher had said to my notebook.
"Jungkook."
I stilled. It wasn't that would be the worst thing if my friends knew, it was that I didn't want them to ask me anything when they found out. I knew they would be okay with it, I knew they wouldn't act weird or be grossed out, but... I knew they would ask. I had never been the kind of guy who showed much interest in girls or boys. Actually I hadn't showed interest in pretty much anything for a long time.
"You guys are very close, right?" Hoseok asked, this time with a questioning look.
"Yeah." I tried to smile naturally. "We're very good friends."
"I can see that." Now he looked rather amused. "You miss him so much you mashed your head against the table."
"That's not wh– Can you hear my thoughts?" I asked loudly and Hoseok burst out laughing.
"Park Jimin, Jung Hoseok", the teacher called from the front. She didn't look happy. "You're disturbing this class. Leave if you can't be quiet."
I'm sure she would like that. Everyone was looking at us with annoyed expressions. "Sorry, we'll be quiet."
"Sorry", Hoseok said as well.
The teacher muttered something that sounded awful lot like I don't believe you.
Hoseok lowered his head to give me the oops-look.
I smiled back, and thankfully the bell saved us from the teacher. We quickly left the class and I ran straight to Jungkook's hug. He smiled down at me but I pushed him away from me until I could catch his wrist and pull him after me around the corner, Hoseok laughing the whole time.
"What's happening?" Jungkook asked as I dragged him to cafeteria's direction.
"We're escaping!" Hoseok yelled.
"From what?!"
I stopped when the cafeteria appeared to my sight. "From the teacher", I giggled.
"The teacher?" he questioned before casting a look at me and Hoseok. "What did you two do?"
Hoseok took his most angelic face. "Nothing."
I nodded along. "Absolutely nothing."
"We were like, perfect students."
"Yeah, perfect behavior, complete angels."
Jungkook's face was completely blank. "And yet, somehow, I don't believe you."
I shrugged. "Believing is all up to you."
"M-hmm."
Hoseok leaned close to whisper into my ear. "I think we're screwed. Your other half doesn't buy it."
I blushed and looked at Jungkook from under my lashes.
He looked back, cheeks just as red as mine probably were. He had heard, and I wasn't sure if I should hit Hoseok or let it be.
I chose hitting.
"Ouch!"
"Food?" Jungkook asked, looking at his feet.
"Food", Hoseok agreed and started to walk towards the others that were waiting for us at the cafeteria doors.
I stayed quiet. How could I have said that I didn't want to eat? There was no way. Jungkook already knew that and I didn't want to make a scene. I knew the fact that I wasn't eating made Jungkook upset but I... I couldn't eat. Not right now. I was afraid to tell to Jungkook what it was like, knowing he wouldn't fully understand. I wasn't surprised he didn't. Hell, even I didn't know what it was like.
I could see how my silence was killing something inside Jungkook, and I hated myself for it. But I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what was something that I could do and still feel okay myself.
"Jimin?" he asked. I could feel how he was very careful with the subject. I kind of wanted him to shout at me that this was not okay because as the seconds, minutes, hours went by, I scarily started to feel like it. Even when I had a walking example how things could go down: Yoongi. It made me understand, but I still couldn't do anything about it.
"I'm not hungry", I answered and looked down at my feet.
"Yes, you are."
But I don't want to be. "I don't feel like eating." I wanted to look anywhere but him and my eyes wandered to the doors with everyone waiting for us. Yoongi was motioning us to come and the rest had started to look restless too.
"Okay..." Jungkook half whispered and looked disappointed. He tried to plaster a smile to his face but ended up looking down and starting to walk towards our friends.
I was such a failure. No wonder he was disappointed with me.
All of this made me want to eat even less. It wasn't rational to think so, I knew that, but I felt like I should never eat again. Like I deserved to feel terrible, and that was something I was starting to feel, emotionally and physically. I hated that Jungkook was disappointed and would probably get tired with me very soon, and my body had not gotten used to this energy level.
Yet.
I walked after him, feeling upset with myself too. I tried to think that I could eat for him like I had done before, but right now I couldn't. I felt bad and eating would made me feel worse so why would I do that to myself?
"Are you guys okay?" Yoongi asked when Jungkook and I arrived, our friends on the line already.
"No", Jungkook said at the same time as I said: "Yes."
Yoongi glanced at the gap between us. I wanted to close it, I wanted to reach for Jungkook's hand and I knew Yoongi could see it from the way I kept squirming, but I didn't feel like I deserved to hold Jungkook's hand right now. What I deserved was to go a run, to run and cry.
Damn. It had been a while since I had done that, I realized. I wasn't that things had gotten better. No, not at all. It was because I had someone I could go to when feeling like crap.
I turned to look at Jungkook. And this is you throwing it all away.
It was true. I knew that if I kept going like this, I would lose him. No one could deal with me, that's for sure. And I did not want to lose him. In a really sort period of time, he had become someone so special to me.
Maybe I could eat for him. Just for him.
Before understanding it myself, I had grabbed his hand. Jungkook looked down at me, and his features softened when his eyes met mine. I wondered if he could see how terrified I was about all this. I wondered if he could see how conflicted I was, bouncing between being scared of food and wanting to eat for someone else, or even for me. I got to feel that he understood, though. I didn't know how or if he actually did, but the feeling counted, and it made me smile a little.
Jungkook smiled back. Some of his disappointment vanished from his eyes and I mentally patted myself on the shoulder. This was the right thing to do, even if the red numbers shone brighter and scarier under my closed eyelids.
Maybe this was the sacrifice I had to do to make him happy. I could live with that, at least occasionally. Not forever or even a whole day – I knew I couldn't go back to normal, even though it had been for such a short time, I just knew it – and I understood, and with time had to accept the fact that I would see the glim light of constant disappointment in his eyes, but that was because I knew I would destroy myself if I forced myself to eat a lot for him. Little I could do.
I took a glass of water, the same as Yoongi was having, and earned a panicked look from Jungkook. Then I took a fork to myself, showing it to Jungkook and watched the stress leave his eyes. I would eat some of his food, and he looked like he was more than okay with it.
We walked to the table where the rest were already starting to eat. Jin eyed me and Yoongi with concern. "You two are eating nothing?"
"Not hungry", Yoongi said and pulled out his phone, clearly just wanting to be forgotten for a second.
I stuttered with my reply. He didn't know, did he? "I-I'm not feeling that well so I'm sharing Jungkook's food."
Jin's eyes never left mine. "But if you're sick, won't Jungkook get it then too?"
"In that case he would've already gotten it", Yoongi muttered, referring to our kissing obviously. Jungkook next to me blushed but Jin raised his brows, not understanding. Luckily he shook his head and forgot about it.
I sat down between Yoongi and Jungkook, and I placed my hand on his thigh to calm him down. "I don't think it's infectious. Maybe I'm just tired."
"Then shouldn't you eat to get energy?"
I was starting to feel attacked. I could eat if I wanted to! (Maybe.) And I felt bad because I had agreed to eat, and now felt like I was getting a punishment for it. "I am eating..." I avoided Jin's gaze and sank into my chair.
"Good", he said and turned to face Yoongi, who raised his brows, waiting for Jin to say something. Jin didn't. He looked at his boyfriend and pouted while taking his hand. "What're you doing today?"
Namjoon shrugged. "Nothing, since I can't hang out with you." Then his eyes lit up. "Hey, guys!"
Hoseok paused, the fork mid air on its way to his mouth. "Yeah?"
"Do you want to come to my house? We could hang out? After school?"
Hoseok nodded excitedly. "Yes! We could order pizza!" He clapped his hands together like a little child. "Pizza! Pizza!"
Namjoon leaned back on his chair, away from Hoseok. "We can do that."
"Then let's!"
Fuck. I didn't want pizza, but Namjoon looked at me, waiting for the answer I didn't have. I wanted to hang out with him and Hoseok, and with Yoongi and Jungkook, but pizza... Anxiety rose to my chest as an awful pressure. God, I hated it.
"I want to come", Jungkook said and smiled at Namjoon, but his eyes turned to meet mine. I wasn't sure what he saw in my eyes? The uncertainty? The fear? I didn't know, and I definitely didn't know what made him say: "Jimin will come too." His eyes moved away from me to the person sitting next to me. "And Yoongi as well."
"Okay", Yoongi said, like he didn't actually care at all. I knew it wasn't like that, I saw his hand fist under the table, turning his knuckles white.
I acted like Yoongi. "Yeah. Sounds like fun!" I smiled at Namjoon. It didn't sound like fun, not the pizza part. I didn't want to put myself to a situation where I could eat.
I just needed to get a little thinner and then I could start eating again. It wasn't a big deal.
~
After school we all went to Namjoon's. He kissed Jin at his house's gate, they told each other they would see tomorrow and Jin continued to walk to his house. I could see how bummed Namjoon was about Jin leaving, and I couldn't think of how he must be feeling all the time, not being able to be with Jin all the time, even though they wanted to be together.
Jungkook's hand brushed against mine. I was happy that no matter what happened during the day, maybe we didn't have same classes and maybe we had to something during the day (that part hadn't yet happened), we would always come together at night and hold each other to sleep.
We walked across the yard to a house that wasn't much more than my home. Yes, the yard looked more clean and there were flowers under the windows, and we when we took our shoes away, there was the smell of freshly baked cookies in the air. The house felt more homey with pictures and vases of flowers on the side tables. The carpets matched the furniture and walls. There was a nice lady welcoming us and smiling brightly when we walked the stairs to Namjoon's room.
It all made me think if things were like this at my house too if my mom was still at home. The thought made me laugh sadly in the next second. Even when my mom had been home, it had never been like this. We had never had flowers outside. My mom had never baked anything, as far as I could remember. I don't think she had ever greeted me with a bright smile.
It was okay. It was all okay.
It wasn't.
I bit my lower lip and took Jungkook's had in mine for a second before letting go. He looked down at me with curiosity and ended up smiling softly, giving me strength to put the smile back on my lips.
We all sat on Namjoon's bed, Hoseok and Yoongi more comfortably. I had been in the house but only a couple of times. But the bed was so soft and comfy that I soon realized I was sitting against the headboard, my thigh against Jungkook's. I wanted to sit between his legs and lean on his chest, maybe sometimes turn my head and let him kiss me gently. I settled for leaning my head against his shoulder, and his hand found its way to my lower back, rubbing the skin through the material of my shirt with small circles that made shivers go through my body.
"So, Jungkook", Namjoon started. "How's living here? Is everything going well?"
Jungkook nodded, glancing quickly at me. "Everything's really good. I really like it here."
"Don't you miss your parents?" Hoseok asked from curiosity.
The hand on my back stopped. I looked up at Jungkook but he was able to keep the smile on his lips. He shrugged casually. "Not really. I talk to them over the phone all the time", he lied. "And if I miss home, I have Sumin."
Hoseok smirked. "Oh yeah... Sumin... How is she doing?"
The hand on my back started to draw circles again, and I let out a breath I didn't realized I had been holding. Jungkook took a dry expression to which his voice matched well. "She's doing great."
"Oh really?"
Jungkook nodded, this time with raised brows as a grin started to curve his lips. "Yes. I actually think she might have someone."
This was news to me too. Yes, Sumin had been texting a lot lately, always smiling at her phone, but I had never dared to ask. Okay, she interfered with my love life, but she had never asked about other personal stuff so I let her be. She would tell when she wanted to.
"Really?" Hoseok and Yoongi asked at the same time. It was the first thing Yoongi had said after entering the house. He had been on his phone, sitting at the edge of the bed, looking very tense through this conversation, just before now. Now he was looking softer and... hopeful? His eyes met my questioning ones and he grunted something before looking back at his phone.
Weird.
Jungkook stared at Yoongi for a second too before looking back at Hoseok. "Yes. And maybe it's good because she's getting tired of us –" Jungkook froze in mid sentence and I could feel the panic to rise to my throat as well. Frowning hard, Yoongi turned to look at us.
Hoseok and Namjoon just waited for Jungkook to continue.
So he did. "... of us watching dramas and she feels too alone to watch them with us. Maybe. Something like that."
Namjoon raised his brows and then it hit me. He had actually realized, and after all I didn't feel too bad. He was in a relationship with Jin. He wouldn't judge. Yoongi already knew. Hoseok was okay with everything, he was always supportive. So why was I doing this? I didn't have to tell the whole world but would it be bad if our friends knew? No, it wouldn't.
"You two just sit around watching dramas all evenings?" Namjoon sighed and shook his head. "You're like Jin. He likes to lay on the bed with a computer while I would like to do..." his cheeks turned pink", something else."
Jungkook sighed deeply in relief. I found myself maybe not so relieved, and it was weird. Was I getting over being scared of everything? But seeing how tense Jungkook had been, I knew he didn't want to tell anyone.
Hoseok crinkled his nose. "Ugh, please don't tell me what you and Jin do."
Something crossed Yoongi's face before he looked nonchalant again. "He won't. I have asked."
"Why?" Hoseok shut his eyes and jolted his head to the sides. "I don't even want these kind of images into my head, why would you want to know?"
"Why not?" Yoongi muttered and turned to his phone.
"What's wrong with them having sex?" slipped out of my mouth. I guess I had started to worry that Hoseok thought that relationship between two males was gross.
Jungkook blushed at my words, Yoongi looked impressed, probably about that I had been able to say sex. Namjoon looked uncomfortable. Hoseok looked thoughtful before answering: "You know how you don't want to picture your parents having sex?"
"Yes." If I even knew who my father was.
Hoseok pressed his lips together. "Exactly", he said, pronouncing it really slowly.
Namjoon looked like he wanted to hit himself. Or Hoseok. "We're not your parents!"
"I'm not sure if that's true. Don't play with that, Hoseok. No more sugar for you, Hoseok. Don't touch that. What do you think you're doing, young man?" Hoseok shushed Namjoon when he opened his mouth. "I'm not done yet. Young man, do you think that's safe? No, I do not, but why call me young man?"
Namjoon looked a little dumbfounded. "I-I've never called you young man."
Hoseok puffed his cheeks. "I know but you're wife has. Like, a thousand times." He lifted his arms in surrender. "Oh, I'm so sorry but I'm older than you're boyfriend." Namjoon rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. Hoseok casted a look to the rest of us. "Guys, don't get girlfriends, you'll end up like him." He pointed at Namjoon with his thumb.
"I don't think that's a problem", Jungkook said, trying lot to laugh. Hoseok's eyes met mine and I told him the same thing. Then he looked at Yoongi.
"I can do that", Yoongi said easily.
Now, this was interesting.
I didn't have much time to think about it though, because there was a knock on the door before the same lady from downstairs came in. "Namjoon, I'm leaving for work!
"Oh, okay. When is dad coming?" he asked.
Namjoon's mom – I figured – winked. "Ah, don't worry. He's coming late. You'll have the house to yourself, your brother is staying at his friend's house. Just don't do anything too wild, okay? I like my house in one piece."
"We were going to order pizza." Namjoon grinned. "I hope that's not too wild."
"That's my boy." His mom smiled and waved at us all. "Bye, I'm leaving!"
We waved back and then sat in silence for a minute before hearing the front door opening and closing. The house was silent, for a second before Namjoon jumped up and hit his hands together. "Let's get this party started."
"PIZZAAAA!" Hoseok screamed and ran out of the door to downstairs, Namjoon right behind him.
Yoongi faced Jungkook with toxic eyes right after the two were out of sight. "You!" He poked my boyfriend's chest. "You will help me because you got me into this mess."
Jungkook looked a little taken back. "Huh?"
"I can not eat pizza", Yoongi breathed out with horror in his eyes for a change. "I-I can't do that."
"What do you want me to do?" Jungkook asked, placing a hand on my waits and hiding behind me. "Eat your pizza?"
"Yeah." Yoongi nodded in relief. "You can eat my pizza."
I felt bad, for him and for myself. I knew I would make Jungkook eat my pizza as well, or maybe we could share one and he could eat it all, but Yoongi... He had looked so panicked for a second, and I could still see it in his eyes. I reached out for him and grabbed his hand. "You're okay, Yoongi."
Yoongi didn't look comforted. "Whatever." He shook my hand away and went after Namjoon and Hoseok.
I was frozen in place. He had not just looked at me like that? Like I understood nothing and like I was no use?
Jungkook pulled me in for a hug. "It's not your fault. You just want to help him."
"Exactly. But why doesn't he let me help him?" I asked with weak voice.
"I don't know", Jungkook whispered.
Could he be in so deep he didn't know he needed help? No, he knew he needed help, that's why he had called us a few days back and then had slept over last night. Why was he so mad, then?
Before letting Jungkook go, I gave him a squeeze. I closed my eyes for a second, letting my shoulders fall down slowly. When I opened them again, Jungkook's concerned face was right in front of mine.
"Are you okay?" he asked softly.
I found myself shaking my head. "I think I need a cry run. I haven't done that in a while."
"Are you sure? It gets cold in the evening."
"I'll be fine. I just... I kind of miss it."
Jungkook raised his brows. "Crying?"
Smiling, I shook my head. "No. The whole deal. It was a way for me to let it all out. It's nice that I don't have to do it anymore, but that doesn't mean I never will."
Jungkook nodded in understanding. "Okay... If you change your mind and just want to talk, I'm right here."
"I know." And I did. It felt funny, knowing someone would actually be there to listen my problems when I wanted to talk about them. It felt nice. And I loved how Jungkook wasn't weirded out by my "cry runs". Many would be.
We walked downstairs, hand in hand, but let go at the last step so the others wouldn't notice. Yoongi looked at us a little longer than Namjoon and Hoseok, who was holding a phone.
"So what kind of pizza do you two want? Namjoon asked.
"We'll share one!" I said quickly. Jungkook glanced at me but didn't say anything. "We'll just have something simple."
"Wow, you guys really know how to party", Hoseok said under his breath. He dialed the number and then gave the phone to Namjoon, deciding he didn't want to do it or realizing he wasn't the right person for that mission. Who knew how our order would turn out if Hoseok had ordered it...
Just when Namjoon came back from the kitchen with the phone, just when Hoseok had been plugging his phone to the stereos, ranting about how the "party started now", the front door opened and a smaller version of Namjoon walked in. He was still shorter than his brother but had the same exact dimples when he smiled at us.
"What are you doing here?" Namjoon asked.
His brother raised his brows. "Rude. I'll answer in a second but", he turned to face the rest of us, "hi, Hoseok!" He pointed at me. "You're Jimin, right?" I nodded. The finger moved to point at Jungkook. The kid frowned. "You're new."
"I'm Jungkook."
"Oh, right!" The kid slapped his hand together. "We have biology together!"
And then I realized the kid wasn't such a kid. He was the same age as Jungkook, and the fact that I had called him kid, even inside my head, made me cringe.
"Kinam!" Namjoon yelled. "Why are you here? Mom told me you would stay somewhere else."
"Well, I was going to, but see, I was there with one other guy and he needed to leave because he had a family issue." He shrugged like it wasn't a big deal but then remembered something. "The one with family issues is actually Taehyung's brother!"
"Why am I not surprised", whispered Jungkook to my ear and I let out a giggle.
"Anyways", Kinam took his bag from the floor, "I'll go to my room."
"Good, because we just ordered pizza", Namjoon sighed.
Kinam was about to walk the stairs but stopped, let his bag fall down from his shoulder to the floor and came to sit on the couch next to Jungkook.
Namjoon stared at him. "What are you doing?"
"Someone mentioned pizza so I'm here."
"I didn't ask you to stay."
"I didn't beg you to ask me to stay."
"I don't want you to stay."
Kinam pouted and clang into Jungkook. "But we're friends. Let me stayyyy!"
I couldn't believe I was jealous of this kid for being able to cling into Jungkook without it being weird. I had to talk to Jungkook about telling our friends. Or else I'd become crazy.
"Fine." Namjoon didn't look happy, but then he smiled in victory. "We don't have enough pizza for you, though."
Yoongi took the chance. "Kinam and I can share!"
Namjoon gave Yoongi a blank look. "Great. Thanks."
After the pizza had come (and Kinam had let go of my boyfriend), everything was really nice and fun. Hoseok kept screaming and dancing to girl group songs and Jungkook pushed me up to dance with Hoseok. I had been awkward at it first, but seeing Jungkook lick his lips to the way I bodyrolled made me more courageous. I started to tease him with my moves and after a while he had "needed to talk to me" and had pushed me into the bathroom and kissed me harshly.
By the end of the night, when Jungkook and I left to go home, I didn't feel like I needed a cry run after all. I had eaten a little (how could I be able to resist Jungkook's puppy eyes?) and had had fun with my friends. And after getting over my jealousy of Kinam touching my boyfriend and seeing how well Jungkook was bonding with him, I had had a lot of fun, and I was happy for Jungkook for getting a friend who was at his age.
When we arrived home, the house was quiet. We thought that maybe Sumin had went to bed early and we tiptoed to our room. But before we could close the door behind us, Sumin's door opened and she looked at us with wide eyes.
"Why are you creeping into the house like that?" she asked.
"We're not!" I said, grinning. I was about to turn away and go to the bathroom when Sumin said something that made me stop to my tracks.
"Oh, Jungkook, your dad called."
A/N: Wow, 40 chapters done and more to come! I hope you've enjoyed this story this far and will in the future, too!
And I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I suck, I'm sorry I haven't been updating as much :( but I will make a promise:
Next update: If by the 30th I haven't updated yet, can someone like spam me or something and tell me to do it already?