~Chi's P. O. V.~
I pushed Levi away roughly just as his lips touched mine. "What the hell?!" I yelled, scooting back to the wall again. My head was swirling with thousands of mixed emotions. I couldn't forget the taste of him, but I wanted to; if I didn't, it would only hurt me even more in the future. "Can't you stop playing with my feelings?!"
His gray eyes widened. I took a shaky breath and closed mine before opening them again and glaring at him with all I could; but it took so much strength to not melt.
"One minute you're kind, and the next you're as cold as ice. I just don't understand. Why do you do this to me? Do you enjoy my pain and suffering? Because that's all I feel. It's... it's all I've ever felt for the past five years. Meeting you was fate, becoming your subordinate was my choice, but you know what? Falling in love with you, I had no control over. I fell for the compassionate and warm side of you, he one that comforts me and makes me smile. I fell for the side of you that made me feel... made me feel human." Levi's previous smirk turned into a frown. "You made me feel like I was wanted and loved... but it was all an illusion, wasn't it? That's not you, it's all in my head. That's all it ever was. Either that, or you're a bipolar bastard. I'm going to go with my first choice, because it just seems all the more true. It feels like it; I know that's what it's like. I'm sorry, I know that you're already in a relationship with Petra. I'm going to die alone anyways. Knowing it beforehand helps make it easier to numb it. It was already obvious so long ago that you'd never return any feelings whatsoever. I'm only a soldier of humanity who works under you. Just, please..."
I leaped out of the bed and headed for the door. "...Don't play with my head." Then I wrenched it open. Shivers still wracked through my body as I entered the hall and began stumbling towards the kitchen. When I arrived, my heavy lids shut and I leaned against the doorway for support. Now, not only my aching head hurt, but my heart did too. I clenched my shirt by my chest, trying the disperse the pain.
'Why does this guy have such an effect on me?' I asked myself. I could feel beads of sweat begin to form on my forehead. Running a hand through my damp strands, I grit my teeth to prevent them from chattering.
"Chi!" I heard Eren's voice cry out. My eyes snapped open to find that everyone was seated around the table in the middle of the kitchen, halfway through what looked like breakfast.
"Dammit," I muttered. I was too engulfed in my thoughts to notice them. Eren popped up from his chair and tackled me instantly with a rib-cracking embrace.
"You're awake!" he cried. Air began escaping my lungs, none returning. The strong arms wrapped around me were crushing me into his body.
"A - air..." I gasped. He stiffened and loosened me from his hold immediately.
"S - sorry!" he apologized with a sheepish grin, but it was quickly replaced with a pout. "Why did you have to go and put yourself in danger like that?! It's been two whole days since we found you!"
My eyes widened. "Found... me?" I repeated, astonished to hear such a thing.
"Yeah. Well, actually, Heichou is the one who 'found' you. When you ran off like that, he was panicking; it was quite the sight to see. He said he found you in the rain, soaked to the bone. We were all here and waiting for him when he arrived. All of us were worried sick, Chi. Your lips were turning blue!"
"Blue... huh."
"And guess what?"
"Hm?"
"You weren't breathing."
"What?" My eyebrows shot up my forehead as the rest of the squad watched him explain the situation for me. I was... practically... dead.
"Yup. Heichou was officially freaking out. He performed CPR on you, but you wouldn't wake up. He did it so much it seemed like he was going to pass out himself." Eren's face fell. "I'm sorry, Chi... I doubted you. I thought that you were... gone. I underestimated you." I smiled sadly to assure him that I was okay.
"The very last time he tried, you started breathing again," Eren continued, exaggerating everything with his hands. "You don't know how relieved I was! You didn't escape unscathed, though. You had the worse fever. Luckily we had Petra here to take care of you!" I glanced over to her and she smiled warmly. I returned it in thanks.
"What happened after that?" I asked, curious to hear about this near-death experience of mine that I had no memory of.
"Well... we had to wait. Just because your heart was going, that didn't mean you were conscious yet. The past couple of days, Heichou has been cranky, and even a bit depressed. I wonder what's his problem?" A smirk played along my lips, but I bit on them to stop myself. "He never left your side, Chi. After all, you're probably the only soldier who's ever surpassed him. He most likely didn't want to lose someone with skills like you. The only time he ever left his room was to either eat or to go to the bathroom - and let me tell you, he barely did either of that." I couldn't stop the smile from forming across my face. With what little strength I had left, I straightened up and pulled my friend into a hug.
"Thanks," I hummed in appreciation. It felt nice to have someone worry over me like this; I felt guilt eat at me inside, and still yet, I proceeded to feel that pain in my heart.
'So it's true that all I cause is suffering?' I wondered. I pulled away and turned, heading back to Levi's room. I guess our relationship was much more than I had originally thought. I wasn't so... I don't know, formal with him like everyone else. I didn't look at him that way, either. How did I, though?
I couldn't answer that.
I cracked the door to his pristine open, peeking unnoticeably. He was still laying on the bed, but now he faced the doorway and his eyes were closed. His chest rose and fell slowly at a steady pace. 'He's sleeping...' I thought. I quietly slipped in and shut the door behind me before sneaking to the bedside and crouching next to his sleeping form.
"CPR..." I murmured, imagining the scene. Wait - did that - did that mean he's... k - kissed me multiple times?! I recoiled in shock and fell on my butt. My cheeks burned a deep crimson. Everyone must've been watching, too...
I screamed mentally and ran my hands through my hair. My head still throbbed and my heart still ached, just... less. My forehead still felt warm. I sighed and calmed myself before leaning in to inspect Levi's face again. It was just like the day I joined, when I first saw him sleeping. Dark, skinny eyebrows that were usually stuck furrowed together weren't, making him look much kinder and less stingy. His eyelashes were sparse but long, the tips tracing along the top of his cheeks. My eyes finally landed on those small, pink lips of his. They were cracked open, small puffs of breath escaping through.
Unconsciously, my hand went up and I rested my palm on his cheek before beginning to caress it with my fingers. His face was... it was practically flawless, not that I had wanted to admit it. I couldn't help but smile at the sight of him, though his features entirely missed his true personality. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when he suddenly jerked and grabbed my wrist. I froze and a scream escaped my throat, but I quickly covered it with a palm. One of his eyes cracked open to glare at me. His gaze was still fogged with the lulls of sleep. His eyebrows knit together, mouth curling into a slight pout. Personally, the sight was adorable, my cheeks flaring again.
"What do you think you're doing?" he mumbled, voice slurred by his drowsiness.
"N - nothing!" I stammered. "I'm sorry! D - don't punish me!"
"No... I'm..." His metallic eye closed again. "...sorry..."
His voice became softer and softer before disappearing entirely. His grip on my wrist slackened and fell over the edge of the bed. I stayed glued to my spot with my eyes wide. After a few moments, I gulped and shook my head, running my hands through my hair again. It was damp with sweat. I grimaced in disgust and took a quick shower to cool off before returning again to his room. He was still deep asleep.
"Guess there's nothing else to do," I muttered to no one in particular as I climbed into the skinny mattress with him. I wrapped the blanket around us both, tucking it in around us. I felt really guilty now; I acted so horribly towards him, yet he was still the one who apologized. Despite all of the pain that had found its home in my chest, every time I sneaked another glance at Levi's adorable sleeping face, my heart did somersaults and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I sighed deeply and curled up next to him. I shivered, still feeling the cold despite our sharing body heats.
I scooted closer and closer to him. Soon, we were practically pressed up against each other, with my face buried into the crook of his neck. I snuggled into him more and wrapped my arms around his body, radiating warmth. I breathed in the scent of him - cool yet sharp, but warm and inviting. I stiffened when his arm unintentionally snaked around my waist. With every breath, it ruffled my damp hair.
For some strange reason, I enjoyed this warmth. It lifted the pain I felt in my heart. How, I wondered. Why, I didn't know. The only thing I did know, was one and only one thing for sure.
I knew that I'd fallen so deeply in love...
It was impossible to get out.
~~~~~
I opened my eyes slowly, feeling the heaviness of sleep fade away. Instead of seeing Levi's room, I was standing in the middle of an open field, a clearing surrounded by a dense forest. Where was I? I didn't recognize this place. Was it inside the walls? How did I get here? I glanced down at myself to see that I was now wearing a thin-strapped dress that fell to my knees. Where was my 3DMG? The harsh sun glared down on me, so I blinked a few times.
"Chisaki!" a voice screamed. I stiffened at the sound of my full name; no one used it anymore, the sound of my own namesake foreign to even me. In a rush, I spun around to find myself face to face with a titan, laying on its stomach with a clenched fist in front of it. My height was level to its face. I gasped loudly and instinctively went to my waists to grab my swords - but they weren't there. On my face, I could feel the heaving breath of the wretched creature... but quite strangely, it didn't grab for me. Instead, I focused on the fist in front of its face. My blood ran cold as I realized in the hands of the titan was a body.
...Levi.
"Levi!" I screamed, lunging for him. His beautiful face was etched with pain, steel gray eyes telling me to go.
To run.
And so, I did... but not away.
To him.
Just before I reached his limp body, I hit a hard wall. "What the hell?!" I pounded my fist on air to realize there was an invisible barrier between him and I. Panic rose in my chest, bubbling out in frantic grunts and struggles.
"No, no, no, no!" I snarled, balled fists pounding on the ghostly glass. "This can't be happening! Levi, calm down, I'm coming to save you!" The titan brought its hand closer to its face, opening its wide jaws. My eyes widened and I began tackling the strange barrier, barreling into the hard-as-stone clear wall with all of my body weight. Aching rose in my shoulder, but I only thrust myself harder and harder. Finally, Levi entered the mouth of the filthy vermin. He caught my gaze and mouthed a few words: "Run away." I shook my head furiously as hot tears began to spill from my eyes.
"Levi! I - I'm coming! I'll kill that titan!" I screeched. Whether he heard me or not, I didn't know. Now I could only see his torso. He reached out a hand for me, still telling me to escape. I set my palms on the invisible wall, pressing my body up to it. "Levi... no... please!"
At that moment, the barrier seemed to dissolve. I was still leaning against it, so I keeled forward onto my hands and knees. I stumbled to my feet and leaped for him again... but not in time. There was a smile on his face when the titan bit down. I heard a familiar sick cracking sound; blood, Levi's blood, trailed down the ends of the titan's mouth. More blood spurted out and landed on me, soaking me entirely. My eyes widened at the sight; it was just... just like Maki... and Mina... and Sato.
I collapsed onto my knees again as sobs wracked through my body with no end to the tears. My eyes stayed glued onto the dirt ground. Angrily, I clenched a fist and slammed it onto the ground. I couldn't save him. Something I couldn't even see had stopped me. I lost another person I loved. "FUCKING DAMMIT!" I glared up at the titan with pure fury coursing through my veins. Its lips were still chewing and munching on the body of the person I cherished so close to my heart.
Shakily, I stood and took a fighting stance with my right hand raised high above my head. My fore and middle finger were extended, the rest curled; I was going to fight this titan with my bare hands. I was going to cast my revenge on these vile creatures that plagued the planet. "DIE!" I roared, and charged.
I aimed my for its right eye to temporarily blind it. With this attack, I was able to maneuver it correctly like a blade. Rage took over and I dove in for the attack. My hand pierced its eye, blood beginning to coat my skin. A hysterical laughed tore from my throat as it began to scream in pain. It stopped when the scene suddenly melted. I was standing on nothing in complete darkness, my arm still extended in darkness. What now stood in front of me wasn't the titan, but Levi...
...And my hand was pierced straight through his heart. A look of pure horror was displayed on his face as he stared at my hand impaled in his chest. He slowly brought his gaze to mine, gunmetal irises wide with astonishment and betrayal. I stared in utter shock at the scene.
"L - Levi...!?" I choked, the haunting feeling of slimy blood drenching my arm. The light faded from his eyes and he collapsed, body falling. I withdrew my hand and caught him in my arms. Tearing off the hem of my blood-stained dress, I balled it up and used it in attempt to slow the bleeding, but the wound I had inflicted was far too severe for simple cloth to aid.
"I - I'm so sorry! No, no, no, no, no! L - Levi, what - what -" More sobs wracked through my chest, myself starting to hyperventilate and cough. I couldn't speak; the feeling of my heart shattering blocked my voice. Levi raised his hand and cupped my cheek, a small smile on his lips.
"It's alright," he whispered. I grabbed his palm and held it still to my face.
"I - I didn't - I was just killing a titan, and -"
"Shh. No, it - it's alright."
"L - Levi...!" I held his head tightly to my chest. I... I did this to him. He was dying, and it was all because of me. The feelings that erupted in my chest exploded still. "Please... don't leave me." My voice dropped to a whisper. The smile stayed on his lips as his eyes finally closed. I gasped loudly and began shaking his shoulder to no avail.
"No!" I cried. "Levi, stop playing around!" A humorless laugh escaped my throat. "This isn't a funny joke, Levi. Please. Please, wake up." It shocked me when his body began to glow a bright gold, his image fading. I stared in disbelief at him in my arms; he began to dissolve into small orbs of the gold, the flecks floating up in the pitch darkness. I reached out and hastily tried grabbing one, but it slipped right through my fingers. Grabbing Levi's body, I held him tighter, savoring the warmth that was gradually becoming colder.
...Is this what he had felt like when I was on the verge of dying, myself? Heart so broken and worn, not even the toughest of glue would be able to put it together again? So shattered and damaged, no tinker in the world would be able to patch it?
"No! Please, don't leave me!" I pleaded. I didn't want to be alone again. I didn't want this darkness. My hands lost grip when he finally disappeared altogether. The shock hit me like a wall to the chest. I felt my heart stop entirely.
"LEVI, NO!!!"
~~~~~
"Levi!" I cried, jerking up in bed. Cold sweat ran down the sides of my face, making my hair stick to my neck and cheeks. The place where I was at now actually was Levi's room, thank goodness. I frantically searched around and spotted Levi lying next to me with his eyes closed. I panicked and began to shake his shoulders.
"L - Levi! Please wake up!" I weeped, a few stray tears slipping past my lashes. "Levi, Levi... no..." He woke up with a jolt, eyes wide.
"Chi...?" he called sleepily. A giant wave of relief crashed over me and I tackled him back into the bed. The relief was amazing, like it had picked up a thousand pounds of burden off of my shoulders. I buried my face into the crook of his neck, embracing him tightly.
"You're alive, you're alive!" I said, just to reassure myself. Against my own chest, I could feel his heartbeat. Against my hair, I could feel his hot breath.
"Chi?!" He was fully awake now, staring down at me. There was never a moment before when I was so happy to see those eyes open and looking back into mine.
"Levi, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry for what I said earlier." His skinny eyebrows arched in amusement but surprise. "I didn't mean any of it, not a thing."
"Hn?"
"Just - Levi, I - I love you, I love you, I love you. Please, just please, don't leave my side. Don't leave me alone. Don't leave me. I love you, Levi." I squeezed him tighter, feeling his warmth against me. It was so comforting to know that I had him next to me. The terrors of my dream haunted my mind still. I didn't let him go, feeling his heartbeat race too. His own strong arms wrapped around my waist as I laid sprawled on top of him.
We stayed like that for a while, my tears being dried on his shirt. I breathed in his scent again, calming my tense muscles.
Only Levi could make me feel this way.
Only Levi could make me feel loved.
Only Levi could be Levi, the one that never left my mind.
"...Remember when you first told me you loved me, idiot?" he asked. I glared unapprovingly at him but nodded briskly. "You didn't let me finish."
"What are you talking about?" I inquired. He was acting fairly strange. His cheeks were red, and he wouldn't meet my eyes. I stared at him until he continued. He reached down and pulled me so now we were face to face, foreheads touching. Hope rose in my chest, ready to explode. I kept a pleading gaze on him.
"I'm..." he whispered. "I'm already in love with someone."
And again, my world came crashing down.