Me: are you okay?
Seventeen minutes, no reply.
Me: I'm sorry. I'm an idiot.
Fifteen minutes and still nothing. Not even read.
Me: please don't hate me
Christian: I don't hate you
My eyes glisten at his response. I'm glad he doesn't hate me, but I know he's upset. I shouldn't have done that to him, I knew he wasn't ready to be public. Fucking hell, I'm an idiot. He just drives me crazy and we've only known each other for two days.
Me: please forgive me I know that was a mistake. I'll never do it again
Christian: you'll never kiss me again?
My heart stopped.
Me: maybe but not in front of a homophobic protest group
Christian: okay
Me: see you tomorrow?
Christian: no, come see me now
Me: okay where should we meet
Christian: come to my garden
Me: okay
Christian: You'll have to find me
I crank up my car and set off on my journey there.
• • •
I graze my fingers against the tall fencing and feel the leaves and flowers. I can't imagine the money it costs to have gardeners upkeep this thing. It surrounds the home like castle walls. The home itself is stone, and it looks very old and beautiful. I find myself reaching many dead ends with benches, none of which have Christian sitting on them. He had told me I have to find him, which frustrates me because I have no idea how to get back the way we did yesterday.
At long last, I turn the corner to the clearing, and it becomes familiar to me again. I see Christian sitting on the bench, but I decide not to shout to him. I walk slowly and the leaves crunch beneath me, the fall breeze chilling me. I am already freaking out, I don't know what he's going to say to me. I stand nearly toe to toe with him now, him still sitting.
"Hey, I'm here," I say and shuffle my feet nervously.
"Hi," he says and stands up to meet me. I take a step back so we don't butt heads. I trip on a root and he grabs my hand and catches me before I fall.
"I've been here one minute and I'm already making it weird," I say with a nervous laugh. Christian still has my hand, and he pulls on it to bring me closer to him.
"Do you want to know how I wanted our first kiss to go?" he asks and my heart sinks. I didn't even think about that being our first kiss.
"What are you saying?"
"Do you want to know?" he asks again. I search his eyes for a meaning, but I just nod because I do want to know.
He puts his hands right below my neck. I wrap my hands around his waist, not able to control myself. We stare into each other's eyes, and then he begins to bring his lips to mine. I close my eyes. I can imagine his warm lips touching, pulling, his teeth nibbling. Our hot tongues dancing, his mouth tasting faintly of vanilla. But he lets go of my neck and pulls away from me slightly.
"Something like that, but we'd actually kiss." I am nearly panting, and our lips never even touched. I sigh out a breath that I didn't know I was holding until now.
"I'm so sorry I did that to you earlier," I say with remorse in my eyes.
"Don't apologize, it was a good idea to show those homophobes what they were against, but I..."
"I know, it was insensitive of me to forget you weren't ready for that. I just got so caught up in... you. The moment was too perfect in my head, and I acted like an idiot."
"But you're not. It's okay. I'm just glad you didn't do it in front of my dad or something."
"Do you think I could ever meet your dad?" I ask without thinking.
"Um, I don't know Jay. Probably no time soon, though."
"I understand. So..." I say, not knowing what to do now. "Can we actually, you know, kiss?"
"Maybe someday," he says and grins at me. I feel a little sad, because he must be a bit mad at me still. But I'm happy it went this way. We sit in the grass, against the fence and just joke and laugh and talk about everything for hours. Eventually, it's sunset and I have to go home. We walk through the garden hand-in-hand and I point out all the places I took a wrong turn. We finally reach the clearing at the front of the house, so we say goodbye. Then we both notice that his dad is already home, because his car was parked outside.
"Shit," Christian says.
"I'm sorry, do you think he'll be upset?" I ask.
"I really hope not, I'll just tell him I was making out with a girl in the garden." I feel a crack in my heart at his words, but I understand.
"Okay, good luck."
• • •
"Mom! I'm home!" I call as I come inside.
"Hey, good day?" she asks as always.
"Amazing day, what about you?" I ask.
"Well as it turns out, I was on edge for nothing. I got a promotion!" She screams with excitement and I rush to hug her.
"That's great, I'm so glad you didn't get fired!" I say.
"I know, right? I figured I'd get fired before promoted, but I didn't tell them that. So how was your day?"
"Well I had a date with Christian," I say and she gasps excitedly, "but it went wrong."
"You dummy. You are my son, after all." We laugh.
"No, we are okay now. We went to his house and sat in his garden and talked until the sun set. It's so beautiful there, I love it."
"Where did it go wrong?" she asks.
"There were some... protestors. They were some crazy people against gays. They came up to us and we were trying to talk to them about how wrong they were. I thought it would be a good idea to... kiss Christian in front of them. As a sign of defiance and to show that it was love, not sin or whatever they are on about."
"Well I see why he may have gotten upset. But honestly, people are so screwed up. I want my son to be happy, and if he likes boys, then that's okay. Same goes for anyone in this world."
"You know you'd be a cute lesbian," I say and she giggles.
"I wish, men are so fucking dumb."
"Right here, Mom," I say and she laughs.
"You don't count, I raised you right. You are more than a man." We decide to watch a movie together. As the movie goes on, I can't help but think about yesterday and how I missed Mom's birthday.
"I'm sorry about yesterday, I feel like total shit."
"That's okay, I know you're busy. I won't hold it against you."
"Is there anymore cake?" I ask.
"Yeah I haven't eaten any since yesterday." I quickly rush into the kitchen and grab the cake from the fridge. I find a random birthday candle– the number three– and light it. I rush back into the living room and present it to her.
"Okay, here we go. Make a wish."
"Woah, okay. Wait, you have to sing happy birthday first!" I groan and oblige to her wishes. She blows out the candle, then I cut some cake for the both of us and sit back down. As the movie ends, I am tired enough to sleep forever. Mom mumbles that she wants to sleep on the couch, so I put a blanket over her to keep her warm.
"Good night, Mom. And thanks. For everything, ever." She smiles at me, which was reply enough. I head to my bedroom and crash into the sheets. I find my phone and check the messages. I have 20 missed calls from Christian! I begin to dial.
"Hello? Jay?" he answers, frantically.
"Yeah, Christian, it's me. What's wrong?"
"It's my dad. He saw us... holding hands and walking in the garden."
"What the fuck, how!?"
"He saw us through the window, the one right above the garden wall. I told him it wasn't what he thought, but he didn't buy it. He started grasping at me and I ran into a room and locked it. I don't know what to do!"
"Hey, calm down Christian. Maybe you should call the police?"
"No! I can't do that! If I just stay in here all night and sneak out to school tomorrow morning. Maybe when I come home tomorrow he'll be calm."
"Christian. Why do you want to protect him? He's a violent homophobe, he can be arrested!"
"Because he pays for my shit, and he takes care of me! I can't jeopardize my finances just because I like boys!"
"Okay, okay. I get you. Just calm down, alright?"
"Yeah, okay I'm breathing." I give him a minute to breathe his anxiety out. I am nearly crying hearing his raspy, strained voice. My happy-go-lucky smol bean is having a breakdown and I don't know what to do.
"Hey," I say after a minute, "you better yet?"
"Yeah, baby." I get a warm feeling in my stomach, a clenching in my chest.
"You need to get some sleep."
"Okay, Jay. Can you stay on the line with me?"
"Of course, baby." The pet name sounds really good to say, even though it probably won't be routine. I just need him to stay calm. "I'll call you early in the morning so you can get up for school, okay?"
"Okay," he mumbles sleepily. I put the phone on speaker and set it on my table. I can faintly hear his breathing on the other end which puts me at ease. I'm sure he'll be fine, but I am so worried about what his dad will do. I don't want to be separated, I was just getting to know him. This boy is truly the guy of my dreams. I sync my breaths with Christian, and I drift off to sleep with him in my thoughts.
*~chapter end, brother~*