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SURPRISEEEE! Yep that's right I updated two days in a row!
I did it for two reasons: one because I felt bad that I took quite some time to update the last chapter; two because the writing was flowing well, and three because i might not be able to update until next Friday/Saturday because of stuff happening. So this is a compensation :)
This chapter's song is the one I linked above, which is none other than "Like This" By our Benito. I was saving it for a later chapter but it fit so well.
Now, I know many don't like author's notes. But I have some announcements and what I'm about to say may be in your interest, unless you are not really THAT much a Shawn Mendes fan. If you are not like I know some people reading this aren't, then none of it will matter to you and I would recommend you jump to the story from this point onwards.
So as I announced some chapters back, I managed to get VIP tickets tickets to meet Shawn, (ITS ONLY 45 DAYS AWAY CAN YOU BELIEVE IT SJNDKSANKDJSAND) and many of you asked me to share things of the concert/meet and greet/ Q&A with you guys. And I really want to do so.
You guys were here supporting me on this matter, telling me to not give up when my hopes of meeting him were simmering. You guys are so important to me and I want so much to "bring" you guys with me to the meet and greet and share such a special moment with me. So here is what I am going to do:
I will share videos of the Q&A and videos of the concert all on twitter, and I've updates on what is happening. However, my meet and greet with him? I won't be able to film it because I am going on my own (and I'm not sure if it is allowed). And I can't share pictures of ME with you guys, for safety reasons. I will see what I can do about that, but probably I won't be able to post any sort of photo for you.
Now, there are certain things that I want todo to "bring" you guys with me. First off, I was planning on doing a letter for him, together with a fan art of him (if it stays good), and I was thinking of adding things you want to say to him to this letter. I'm not sure if we are going to be allowed to give him stuff, but I'm going to go to the airport to see if i can give it to him there, or whether I can give it to him in in form of a question in the Q&A session ( Like "Can you please have this letter?") If you want me to put it in something you want to say to him in it, please leave a comment to THIS paragraph. Though please don't make it very long. If too many people comment then I'll have to pick out only some, I'm sorry. But I don't think that will happen.
(Ok guys so the message is irrelevant now since I met Shawn already and gave him the envelope, however I decided to keep the author's note as 1) I want to keep your messages to him as maybe 2) I may possibly meet him again this year, and give him another envelope, so hopefully I will be opening again for messages. Sorry for the inconvenience)
Sorry that this was long... I hope you enjoy this chapter!
Xxx,
Sara
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Sadie's POV:
"Kill me. I can't with this anymore." I slur, grunting. I was walking with my back bent in a bit, my heavy textbooks to study for the exams making my backpack heavy and difficult to carry.
"Ugh I feel you. Can't wait for Summer holidays." Violet agrees. It was the first week of December and we were currently having our end of year exams, which really messed with me. Though it didn't as much as it used to.
My phone suddenly beeps with the arrival of a message, and I take it out of my back pocket, and open the message. My heart skipped as I saw the name flashing on the screen, and I opened the text.
Shawn: Im watching the HP and the philosopher's stone and I the wingardium leviosa scene just happened and all i could remember was of how much i relate to Ron. Remember that day in Orlando? that was the day i realized how a bad wizard i am. My childhood dreams are crushed 😞
I chuckle at the text, remembering the annoyed face he made when I managed to do the spell in one go, and he still didn't manage it.
Princess 👑: hahahahahaha don't cry Won Won. Some people arent born with such a gift for wizardry, it happens
Shawn: you are no one to say that miss Granger 😑
I roll my eyes at the text he sent me, when suddenly Violet speaks up, and I am brought back to the real world.
"Shawn?" She asks me, and I nod.
"Yeah."
There is a silence as predicted, as Violet collected words that I knew she was keeping in all of this time that Shawn and I had started to talk again.
"Isn't it... um weird that you are talking to him?" She asks. The wording was horrible, but I knew what she meant.
"Yeah it was in the beginning. But eventually as he recovered and he became his normal self again and he didn't really need my help anymore, we continued to chat and I guess we are good friends again. I'm really happy that we managed to stay friends."
She raises her eyebrows at me doubtingly, as if saying "Are you sure about that? Or do you want something more?".
"Really Violet, I like it this way. Just friends. Shawn also seems to like things how they are." I say, plastering a smile to my face. However truth was that my heart still heated fast from having a conversation with him, and how I was also trying to convince myself that I liked being just his friend.
This past month had really changed things. We spoke every single day, majorly through texting, calls being mainly reserved for emergencies. I don't know how and why it helped so much, but me being there for him really had helped him out. The panic attacks became less and less, and he stopped drinking. Even if it was against his will and he was prohibited from going after it, he told me he didn't really feel like drinking anymore.
At least that was what he told me. But I did believe in him. Not only did I maintain in touch with Geoff who gave me updates on the outside, and he told me that Shawn had improved tremendously. He told me how Shawn kept apologizing him for what he did to him, and how he was so focused on creating music. Shawn did tell me that the alcohol was relieving him from the pain, but now I guess that composing managed to substitute drinking.
Even Aaliyah told me how he sounded so much better whenever she spoke to him. I was just so glad that I managed to help him. He was now happy and had gotten rid of the bad habit he had developed, while at the same time he didn't have to cancel the tour. And I was happy too because I felt like I had gotten my best friend back.
But deep in my heart, I knew that I wasn't completely happy with that.
I hate the way I feel. I hated this so much because I had had no power or control over it. I fought it, but I always lost. I just wished and wished I was happy with solely being in the situation I was in, but I couldn't control it.
I couldn't help still loving him.
I wished I had this control over myself. It was so frustrating how my stupid heart decided to practice gymnastics every single time I saw his name up in my phone, and did flips and turns and then decided to go on a marathon. I tried not to immediately pick up my phone. My brain told me not to do it. But it didn't matter, because my heart was the one who was in the control.
I couldn't help but wish for the breakup to never have happened, wish to be right next to him, to cuddle up and have those long, random conversations we used to have. I wished I could stop myself from falling all over again for his dorkiness and his humor and his humbleness, and the way he was so passionate about his job.
If me falling again was the case. Did I ever even stopped loving him?
This whole thing just made me want to pull all of my hair out in frustration. Why can't I just move on and fall for someone else?
I arrived home that day ready to spend my afternoon studying musical theory for my written paper tomorrow, when I received a text from Aaliyah. I guessed that a small break wouldn't harm me.
Aaliyah: YOOOOOOO
Sadie: HEEEEY
Aaliyah: How are exams going?
Sadie: They are ok thank you!
Sadie: and how is Liam going??😏
Aaliyah: Ugh don't even get me started. remember that day he stole my phone and went live and Shawn saw it? So I just came off a phone call with Shawn and he asked me a bunch of questions. Someone's overprotective mode is ON 🙄
I chuckle a bit, as this was such a predictable Shawn like move. Being overprotective of Aaliyah. But I felt bad for her. She was only planning to tell him and introducing him to Liam, her boyfriend, when he went home for Christmas, however the live thing changed things.
Sadie: Im sorry about that... What did he say?
Aaliyah: Oh just nonsense. That Liam isn't right for me, even if he doesn't know him, and that im too young to date
I snort, not believing this.
Sadie: HAHAHAHAHAHAH you got to be kidding me right? Shawn actually said that? 😂
Aaliyah: yep...😒
Sadie: Wait a min, im gonna go talk to him.
Aaliyah: Thanks sadie, though i don't think u will change much of his mind😅
Sadie: just wait. using the right arguments, anyone can make wonders
I close my chat with Aaliyah and open mine with Shawn, and I find that he actually sent me another text.
Shawn: I forgot to ask...how was your exam?
Princess 👑: it went well, thank u for asking
Princess 👑: But I need to talk to u about something. You are being such an hypocrite 😂
Shawn quickly reads them and answers me.
Shawn:??
Princess 👑: So u say that Aaliyah is too young to date?
Shawn: Oh so she told u
Shawn: and she is! come on she is fifteen!!
Princess 👑: 😂😂😂
Shawn: what??
Princess 👑: Im just going to ask you a simple question. What age was I when we started to date?
My heart hammered strongly against my chest as I waited for Shawn to answer, not because of his answer, but because of the topic mentioned. Shawn and I talked a lot and we did mention old memories of when before we dated and of when we dated, however we never actually mentioned that. We would just mention the memory, without remembering each other the romantic aspect of it or the fact that it had been a date or an anniversary.
At the top, "typing..." appeared quickly, but then it stopped, as he probably thought twice about his answer.
Shawn: fifteen...
Princess 👑: So you dated a fifteen year old and your sister can't date at that age?
Shawn: It's different!
Princess 👑: Oh is it??😂
Shawn: He will hurt her, and I don't want her hurt
I sigh, understanding his point of view. He was his little sister after all, and he didn't want her to be hurt. But he couldn't keep her under his wing forever. Plus, from what Aaliyah told me, Liam sounded like a great guy.
Princess 👑: Look Shawn I get where u r coming from, but u cant protect her from everything. Just think it in another way: imagine if at that time, I had a bigger brother who didn't want me to date and saw you as a threat, and therefore didnt let us stay together? would u have liked that?
Shawn takes a bit to read and answer, but eventually, he does.
Shawn: no...
Princess 👑: So try not to be this threat between them. Put yourself in
Liam's or Aaliyah's shoes, and try to get to know the guy before assuming that he is no good. Then after you got to know him you have all the right to intervene, but only with obvious reasons and not "because your gut tells you so"
Princess 👑: Not that following your gut is bad. But still, can we make that a deal?
There is some time before he answers, but he eventually answers.
Shawn: Ugh u r right and it is so freaking annoying
I chuckle, knowing how much it annoyed him when I argued with him using valid points that he had no way of combating.
Shawn: Fine. It's a deal
I smile, excited to tell Aaliyah the news.
Princess 👑: Your sis will thank u
***
Shawn's POV:
"Yes, mum, I told you I'm fine, thanks for asking, but don't worry." I say for thousandth time this past month. I said this so many times that the words slipped out of my mouth without me actually being into the conversation. I was really focused on the screen of my computer, where the first movie of Harry Potter was playing. This was the scene when Ron directions Hermione and Harry on how to move the chess pieces so that they could get through.
She sighs. "If you say so. I really hope that is true."
My attention is once again redirected to the conversation with my mum. "It is." I say.
There is a silence, until my mum speaks up again. "Ok then let's talk about something else. You are coming over for Christmas aren't you?" She asks.
"Yes, I promised you that and I am. We only have a few more shows in Central and South America, then we stop a bit just for Christmas. Then we have some more dates in South America and the you is over."
"Great then. Now, I have been meaning to ask you..." She trails away, uneasy about she was going to ask. "So I heard you've been talking to Sadie?"
The sound of her name instantly made my heart skip, my feelings for her taking over. And I absolutely disdained this.
"Yeah, I told you a while back that she was helping me with what happened. But we still talk, I actually was just talking to her before you called. We're good friends." I say, trying to put a tone of cheerfulness into my tone. Though in reality, I just cringed at the word. Friend. That's what I was to her.
Don't get me wrong: I was absolutely happy that we got to be again the good friends we were before we dated. But it wasn't enough.
I love Sadie. And I couldn't control it no matter how hard I tried not to. Because she seemed tone completely satisfied the way we were. But I wasn't.
I just wanted for things to be how they used to be before I messed up. I wanted to be able to tell her that I love her and hug and kiss her and just be hers again.
But how would I do that?
"Oh that's great! It shouldn't be a problem what I was thinking about doing then. So the past two Christmases our family and Sadie's family have spent it together, so I was thinking of inviting them again? You guys are good friends and Aaliyah misses her so much, she keeps bugging me to let her travel to Sadie's city so she can visit her. And we enjoyed having them over these past two years, but I was wary of how you would feel about that. Would you mind of inviting her over?"
Generally, if it was to happen to one person that their parents were planning on inviting their ex over for Christmas, one that you haven't seen face to face in months since the breakup, the person wouldn't react well.
But for me, this? This was just perfect.
I know that I messed up, and I know that maybe Sadie is better off without me, or even that by doing this I am ruining this friendship that we managed to rekindle from ashes.
But what I felt for her... I don't see her solely as a friend. I love her. And if there was the tiny possibility that there is still hope, that maybe she still loves me back, or even if she could develop feelings for me again, Christmas was perfect for it.
I wasn't very eager for Christmas, besides the fact that I was going to see my family. But with Sadie coming over? It would be... just perfect.
"N-no way I would mind! I'll- I'll even call her now to ask her if she's up for it." I say rapidly.
By the small chuckle on the other end of the line, I could imagine my mum smiling at me with raised eyebrows, as if telling me "you just gave yourself away. I know you're still in love with her."
"Ok then dear, go call her and tell me afterwards what she said. Have a safe trip! Love you," She says, knowing that I was in my bus ride to my next stop right now.
"Thank you. Love you too, bye mum."
I finish the call right afterwards, and go on to make Sadie a call, as I didn't feel like texting. I wanted to hear to her voice, and see her first reaction to the idea of us being together again. Physically, I meant.
I knew she was probably studying right now, but my enthusiasm got the best of me, just like emotions were driving everything I did these days. How I couldn't ignore her when she texted me no matter how hard I tried, how I wanted to go on with my day without remembering the fact that I love her and we weren't anything more than friends.
But I still picked up the phone every single time.
And she did too. Did this mean something?
If it was my option whether I had these feelings for her or not, I really wouldn't mind of just having her as a friend. But I was absolutely powerless. When I broke up with her I knew that I wouldn't love anyone the same way i love her, and I knew that it would hurt. I thought that I would be capable to cope with it, I thought I was strong enough for that.
How wrong I was.
Taking a deep breath, I start the call, and there are a few beeps, until it suddenly stops. Together with the beeps, my heart comes to a halt as well.
"Shawn? Hey, what's up?" She says with a happy tone, not expecting me to call her.
"Hey Sadie. Um, nothing much." I say, my nervousness making me hesitate. What if she would find the idea ridiculous? So much that she would laugh at me?
Come on Shawn, you know Sadie. She is not like that.
I take a deep breath, gathering my courage.
"I just have a question for you."