a/n: y'all... as I was editing this chapter, I found so many mistakes... i'm mortified --' I can't believe I hadn't edited this since 2014! (currently 2018) yikes.. i'm sorry --' but I fixed it up quite a bit so enjoy! <3 xx
~~~~~
"Let's go!" Levi commanded the Elite Squadron, saluting his hand forward. Everyone rode stallions, charging through the gates. It was the day where they were leaving on a mini-expedition outside the gates. Petra, Eld, and Gunther were nearly shaking with anxiety. Even Oluo was nervous. Though they had faced titans countless times in the past, encountering another one always seemed a terrible feat. Eren, on the other hand, was a little more than worried, and was casually going over safety regulations in his head.
Chi was the only one buzzing with excitement. Bloodlust stirred within her. When everyone finally reached the outer wall and had safely crossed outside, the giant panel rolled down, trapping them outside.
"Remember our plan!" Levi shouted above the thundering horses. "Slay whichever titan seems to have the highest probability of success! Avoid injury and death! Collect any intelligence and do not stray far away from the group! We have no backup! Stay within the perimeters we were assigned! Do not go beyond! Check your maps!"
"Yes, sir!" everyone replied in unison. Eren was amused when he noticed how unusually quiet Chi was. Her lips were curled into a malicious smirk, and her eyes seemed... different. They seemed darker and much more daunting. She was lightly quivering atop the horse, gripping the leather reins so tightly that her knuckles were a pale white color.
After a mere ten minutes, they spotted two stray titans, the both of them wandering mindlessly in circles.
"Alright! Break forma—?" Levi started, but he was cut off when he spotted Chi already speeding past him. She stood atop the racing horse with perfect balance. Everyone stared in awe as they watched her crouch low on the horse. Extending her arms, Chi leapt off of the horse's back, making it come to a complete stop.
The squad was still quite far away from the titans—but with incredible speed, Chi sprinted fast, quickly closing the distance between the titans and herself. This stunned her teammates; she was absolutely incredible. And she absolutely could not be human.
"Chi, wait!" Petra screamed, fearing for the young woman's life, but Chi was too excited to notice. She raced toward the titans without any sign of reluctance. The titans noticed her at the last second, when she'd already shot one of her grappling hooks. It plunged into the small of the first titan's back and she lurched forward as the gas tank released, sending her straight toward the naked monster. Swinging around it, Chi circled the confused titan as it turned its huge body toward her. She shot another hook straight for its shoulder, the sharp metal meeting its target perfectly in the tough skin of the colossal monster. The titan swung its gigantic hand at her, but it missed, and she was jerked forward by the gas once again.
Chi landed lightly on the titan's shoulder, running straight to the nape of its neck. She pulled out her blades and dug them into the titan's skin, dashing across its upper backside.
Chi roared, slicing off a chunk of the titan's flesh with ease. Before the first giant fell with an earth-shattering rumble, Chi leapt up and landed on the face of the other titan. A maniacal grin curled onto her lips, the blood of the other titan slowly steaming off of her face and blades.
"My, what gorgeous eyes you have," she cooed, raising the blades. Within a split second, she drilled them both into its eyes. The titan screeched and Chi laughed as she pulled out her blades, the razor-sharp edge gleaming against the harsh sun. Then, she kicked off and flipped over the titan's head to land on its shoulder.
"Suffer!" Chi bellowed, gouging the chunk of its nape out. Its blood spurted out and drenched her, but she celebrated in the death of the titan. As it fell, too, she flipped into the air and whistled, calling to the horse. It ran to her aid and she landed rockily on its back, her feet catching her fall. She tossed her hair and sheathed her blades as trembles rang through the earth from the second fallen titan. Just then, the squad finally approached.
Everyone skidded to a stop and stared at Chi with wide eyes. What a sight; her brown hair was wild and tousled, billowing in the wind. Blood drenched her head to toe, slowly steaming away in thin clouds. What had intimidated them most, though, wasn't the blood.
It was her eyes.
They were gleaming their usual gold, but it seemed much more brilliant, much more spectacular; her pupils were thin, black slits. Her teeth were bared in the huge grin she wore. Chi positioned herself onto the horse, throwing her hair over her shoulder and smiling at the team.
"Chi," Eren breathed, his eyes still wide with shock. She'd taken down two titans all by herself in less than a minute. No one, even Eren, had ever seen Chi in action of taking down titans. Not one of her teammates could believe she's even toyed one of the titans, gouging out its eyes.
Despite looking calm and collected, even Levi was in utter awe.
"Vóila," Chi tittered. "Why don't we go hunt for some more titans?"
"Why didn't you save one for me?" Oluo grumbled. Chi grinned at him tauntingly, and he flinched.
"Oluo, I'm sure you'll find more," she laughed, then turned her horse around and sped off.
"Chi!" Levi called. "Chi, you damned fool, stop!" He chased after her, but quickly gave up when the distance between them had gone too far. He watched begrudgingly as Chi became a dot in the distance. Luckily, there were no titans as far as they could see.
As Chi sped away, pain bit at her excitement. "Please, just a little longer... just until I can't feel anything anymore. Numb every part of me. All of it. Everything."
~~~~~
The Elite Squadron was waiting in the stables for Chi. She ran to them, apologizing for the inconvenience of her late arrival. She'd been up most of the night, laying in bed and thinking of the feeling of Levi's lips against her own. It filled her with warmth. Honestly, how could she sleep when she couldn't even sort out her thoughts?
The next morning, everyone was already settled atop their horses—except for Levi. Chi flashed him a smile, but he glared at her, and she faltered. Then he turned and mounted his horse. Chi stiffened at the rather sudden coldness.
Confusion swarmed her head as she mounted her horse. They trotted along the trail towards the gate that led to the titan-infested land. On the journey there, she tried to talk to Levi, riding beside his stallion.
"So, uh, Levi?" she called timidly, smiling warmly. Levi didn't return it and continued to glare at her.
"What do you want, idiot?" he growled. Chi recoiled defensively.
"I—it's nothing." Then she slowed so she traveled at the back of the group.
Since when had she been so weak?
~~~~~
The Special Operations Squad—minus Chi/-traveled in a group like a pack of wolves, scanning every spot of the perimeter for two things: titans, and Chi. They never even spotted a glimpse of her, but they did come upon numerous steaming corpses. Upon close inspection, it was clear that they had been killed by none other than who their missing soldier. She'd beaten them all to it; she managed to kill every single titan within the perimeter—alone.
"Damn, is this girl going to leave any for us?!" Oluo yelled in frustration. "Heichou... we can't let a girl like her run off and do her own thing like this, can we?!" Everyone else was trembling with the awe. Chi had taken down each and every one of those titans herself with incredible speed—but where was she? They never found her body. Had she been eaten by a titan?
Soon, the skies started darkening; Levi called for a retreat.
"Dammit," Levi growled. "Where the hell could she be?" Everyone took turns shouting her name, hoping for a reply, or any kind of sign, but they never saw her.
As they neared the gate in the outer wall once again, they saw a figure standing next to a dimly lit lantern. The figure was leaned against the wall, their horse grazing leisurely next to them. When the squad came closer, Levi recognized the very woman who they'd been desperately searching for. Waves of relief washed over the entire squad, but with exasperation. They were so worried about her that they'd done nothing useful in that entire day.
"Oi! Chi!" Eren shouted. She looked up at them solemnly.
"Hey," she greeted. She mounted her horse and slowly trotted over to them.
"Where've you been?" Petra cried. "We were looking all over for you! Don't just disappear like tha—" Levi silenced her by raising a palm.
"Let's go," he cut in with cold eyes. Wordlessly, everyone followed as they entered the gates and continued to the castle. When they reached it, they all dismounted their stallions and fed them before going inside. The tense atmosphere practically crackled between the entire squad, and everyone knew.
"Chi," Levi called from the back of the stables. Everyone else was still heading towards the castle for a late dinner after putting the horses in their spots and giving them food and water. Chi turned around and stared at him with blank eyes. He beckoned for her to come to him. She shuffled over to him and before she knew it, something hard smacked against her cheek, thrusting her to the side. She clutched her cheek with one hand but kept her face stone as best she could.
Levi had slapped her. With eyes that smoldered with fury, he was clearly angered by Chi's rash decisions that day. But he felt a twinge of guilt.
Chi straightened and let her hand fall to her side.
"Yes, Heichou?" she asked nonchalantly.
"What the hell did you think you were doing?" he demanded, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"Training."
"I told you earlier to stick with the group. You completely ignored all of the instructions I had given earlier—and not only that, you hindered all of the others' training as well. If it wasn't for your impulsiveness and lack of self-control, our training as a team would have been executed just fine."
"I apologize for the inconvenience, Heichou. I promise it won't happen again." Chi's voice was monotonous, and she kept her gaze level with Levi. He was agitated.
"You'd better stick to those words of yours," he ordered, venom lacing his voice, "or you'll be facing the consequences. Next time, I won't be as lenient. On his squad, we work together. Should you commit another stupid act that I deem unfit for this squadron, you will be removed immediately. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir." And with that, Chi turned around and began to walk away. She hoped—and tried to push that hope away—that Levi would stop her and explain his unreadable demeanor. It was a polar opposite of the caring man she thought she new.
She hoped he would tell her that that morning, he was only so cold because he didn't get enough sleep either.
She hoped that he would tell her that he liked her just like she did he.
...But he didn't.
Her heart fell apart as she walked away from. She'd probably seen a side of him that not many people had seen before. Though his strength was indescribably incredible, it didn't affect her much. If he was going to act cold towards her, she guessed that meant everything that happened was worth nothing. Those kisses meant nothing.
He liked toying with her, didn't he?
But... that was the reason she was surprised. Instead of the crushing sadness she'd felt when she killed each of those titans earlier, trying to kill the pain along with them, it was now replaced with hollowness. Chi felt empty inside, like there was a hole in her chest. It felt like there was a heavy weight on her chest, but at the same time, there was nothing there.
She felt like she was nothing—a speck of nothing swept away in a breeze.
Chi stepped into the kitchen doorway and almost immediately heard multiple gasps. Petra was by her side in a flash and cupped her uninjured cheek in her hand.
"What in the world happened to you?!" she cried. Her auburn eyes were full of worry as she studied Chi's face.
Chi smiled sheepishly and replied, "It's nothing."
"No, look! Your cheek is swollen, and it's turning a dark color! And... you're bleeding!"
"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." Removing Petra's hand from her cheek, Chi went straight to the bathroom. She turned and faced the mirror inside and realized that Petra was right. It did look bad. Blood was leaving the corner of her mouth. Her cheek was swelling terribly, and it was starting to turn a dark shade of maroon.
Chi grabbed a washcloth and wetted it before wiping away the blood from her mouth. She rinsed her mouth to get the remaining blood out and grabbed a clean cloth, patting it over her wounded cheek. When she finished treating it, she stood and stared at herself in the mirror.
Her caramel hair was wild and sprawled all across her face and shoulders. Her eyes... were what she liked the most about her face. She didn't think she was the most beautiful woman, but she'd never met anyone else before with eyes like her own. But in this moment, the usual glimmer they held was gone. Her eyes looked dead, and empty, like a void. They were the only thing that separated her from the rest.
That, and the fact that she was a killing machine. Chi lived only to kill. Her sole purpose and goal was to bring down the titans. After that, she wouldn't care about what happened to herself. If she died, it wouldn't matter. Nothing mattered besides exterminating the giants.
Despite the sadness and agony she was feeling inside, it refused to leave in tears. Chi growled at her reflection, seeing it contort into a frown. Her eyebrows furrowed together; she hated herself.
Chi hated herself so much. She felt that she was nothing but a broken person. She had nothing, and she lived only to kill. The person she liked didn't even acknowledge the fact that she was a being with feelings. She lost her family twice. All of her fury and anger was built up inside of her like a time bomb, but... it was all directed toward herself.
Chi raised her fist and slammed it into the mirror, into her reflection. She hated looking at it. The mirror shattered instantly, the jagged pieces crumbling off and falling into the sink below. She felt the sharp edges cut into her fingers and knuckles, but the pain was nothing compared to what she felt like inside.
The door burst open and Eren ran toward her, his jaw dropped in astonishment. "Chi!" he cried in alarm. "What're you doing?!"
Chi looked up at her fist to see blood dripping off of her fingers, seeping through the new cracks of the mirror.
"Nothing," she replied bluntly. She retracted her hand and stared at it, letting the blood dribble down her palm and wrist.
"Are you okay?!" Eren grabbed her hand and put it under cold running water. Chi watched, fatigued, as he gently patted it dry with a washcloth and wrapped her fingers carefully with bandages.
"I'm just peachy," Chi told Eren flatly. Eren swept all of the broken shards into a small towel and placed it on the sink. Then he rubbed the back of his head, pacing around worriedly.
"What am I going to tell Heichou?" he murmured to himself.
Chi smiled at him. "Don't worry, Eren. I'm fine, and I'll take full responsibility."
Eren gazed at Chi intensely. "Bu—"
"Eren. Really." She tried to smile again, but it faltered and fell into a straight line. She couldn't look at him like this; she averted her gaze to the floor. Shuffling past him, Chi went to the dining room to find Levi already seated and digging into his food. She put on the best smile she could. After all, what else could she do?
~~~~~
After dinner, there she was, pacing the hallways aimlessly.
Again.
Everyone else was asleep, and she was walking down random hallways. Luckily, she had mapped out the place in her head to avoid getting lost again and running into another... situation like before. As she trudged down the empty corridors, she always kept her right shoulder pressed against the wall to support her slumped form. She stared at the ground, letting her mind wander.
Chi was jerked back into reality when she felt herself get yanked into an unfamiliar room. A door slammed and she was pushed up against a wall. She kept her face blank although she was completely shocked to come face to face with none other than Levi.
"What the hell is up with you?" he asked in a low voice. The steel gray eyes that Chi had gotten lost in so often flashed threateningly.
"What are you talking about?" Chi replied nonchalantly. Her heart was racing like a thundering horse, and it was a struggle to keep her face stoic when his was so close to hers.
"You were acting strange after we left the wall, and after we returned."
"I'm like this all the time."
Levi growled and leaned his face closer to Chi's, pressing his body firmly against hers. She could feel his warm breath on her neck, making her nearly jump. Tears stung at her eyes, but she refused to let them fall uselessly. "No, you aren't."
Chi shrugged. "Alright then, I guess not."
"...Is something bothering you?" Levi asked in a low voice; Chi could not tell if he were truly serious.
"Why would you ask that?" Chi inquired.
Levi's grip on Chi's wrists tightened. "Because it seems so."
"That's funny," Chi scoffed.
"Is it really?" Levi's brow rose.
"Yes. Because, could you have ever guessed...?" Levi was silent. "There's something strange—so strange I could laugh."
Chi decided that it was now or never. She needed to do this now or else she'd never get the chance to ever again; her brain was electrified, her heart thudding out of her chest. She whisked him around to slam his back against the wall, tightly gripping his collar. Cupping his face in one of her hands, she brought hers closer to his, her lips nearly brushing up against his ear.
She hesitated for a moment, considering her options. She was already this far—should she have stopped while she was ahead? Should she have walked away and pretended like nothing ever happened? But... she couldn't live like that. It would slowly kill her from the inside out.
So she did it.
She made sure she was quiet, so he could barely hear her. She was timid, but she decided that the time was right.
"The thing that's bothering me," she whispered, "...is the fact that I like you."