..........................................................
Hellooooo
I'm here with another chapter yayy!
This chapter's song is "Save Myself" by Ed Sheeran. Hope you like this chapter!
Xxx,
Sara
.............................................................
Shawn's POV:
Opening my eyes, the first thing I do is scrunch my eyes back closed again as I pinched the bridge of my nose, an unbearable pain throbbing inside my head. My head pounded and I couldn't think properly, until I finally managed to ask myself why my head felt like it was about to explode.
Oh yeah. Last night happened.
What actually happened last night?
I went to that bar, ok. Then I encountered Vanessa there, and we chatted. Then what really happened?
A flash of a memory of her lips pressed against my neck crosses my mind, and I immediately sit up and look around me, finding my bed completely empty.
I immediately let out an air in relief as I was confirmed that nothing happened.
I search my mind the hardest I can for pieces of the night before, however I didn't have a clear chronology of last night's events. I remembered something to do with Sadie's ring, the fact that I texted Violet, and found out that she still wore the necklace. Then after I had ordered some more drinks I had only brief visions of walking on the street, and sitting on the floor. And then being dragged by Geoff to somewhere. Probably back here to the bus, where I collapsed.
But over all of the things that were blurred in my mind about last night, I could remember very well how I was feeling. Nothing different from what I have been feeling lately.
I was overwhelmed. I had so much anxiety building up inside of me. I was broken on the inside. I missed her.
I finally get the courage of leaving my bed, my head still pounding painfully. God, hangover is a bitch.
I walk to another section of the bus with my head hanging low, shielding my eyes from any light. I get to the other side and find Geoff, Andrew, and Tom, sitting near each other as they talked in low tones. All of them had their features tense, as if something was worrying them.
As soon as they notice my presence, they stop talking, and turn to me. Looking at Geoff, my eyes wander over to a white bandage on his hand, the same one that he had broke the cup with when I pushed him. Guilt immediately takes over me, making me divert my eyes from his.
I would never do something like that. This is not me at all.
"Shawn, you're awake. That's good because we need to have a serious talk." Andrew says.
His tone was alarming, and instantly I felt annoyed. It was so similar to Geoff's tone yesterday when he blocked me from going out. As if they need to worry about the alcohol. I'm absolutely fine with it.
At least, more fine than if I didn't have it to wash away the pain.
The three of them stand up, letting me have the seat in the couch where they were sitting on.
"You can't carry on like this. We are forbidding you from going to any bar or drinking at all. This decision is final."
I immediately rise to my feet, facing Andrew as anger pulsed through me. "Andrew, you are my manager, but you don't control me. No one does, I make my own decisions, I'm twenty for fuck's sake!"
Andrew remained serious, not budging at my tone. Tom and Geoff continued standing beside him, and even though they hadn't spoke yet, their postures told me that they were on Andrew's side on this.
This is when Tom decides to speak up. "We know you are, but we aren't doing this to control you. We are doing this to help you, as bros. We may be from your team but we are closer than just team, you know that." He explains.
He had such a genuinely concerned expression on his face, but I was so ticked off, anger rushing through all of me; that I couldn't control snapping at him. "Well, I didn't ask for your help. And I don't need it."
"Oh for goodness sake stop it!" Geoff snaps, his calm composure disappearing completely. He took a step towards me with his sudden outburst, his eyes wide with worry and desperation. "Shawn you do need help. You say that you are so grown up; a man. Then why don't you fucking be one and admit it!" He was now poking his index on my chest agressively, catching my full attention. "You have been a total mess since you broke up with her. And now you are more drunk than sober! I don't know why you think that the alcohol will help you, but it won't, in any sort of fucking way!-"
"Don't you dare tell me what to do." I growl, trying to maintain my calm and resist the urge of pushing him away from me.
You shouldn't have this urge in the first place.
"Shawn, don't you see it?! It's ruining you little by little! The Shawn we all know and care about wouldn't be acting like this. He wouldn't have done this." he says, raising his open palm to show the bandage,"Wake up. Get some help! Put your pride aside and go get some fucking help. We want to help you out. Everyone is concerned and wants to help you out. Listen to your fans."
My fans.
In one second, at the sound of them being mentioned, all of the anger that I felt running through me stopped fizzling, all of my emotions being replaced by one of worry.
"Wh- What do you mean? What are they saying?"
Geoff's posture relaxed as he realized that I wasn't in an agressive defensive mode anymore, and he takes his phone out of his back pocket. He opens something on it, and as soon as he finds it, he gives his phone to me.
My heart seemed to stop as I see all of the trending hashtags that my fans made, and also when I realize that a video of me yesterday had gone viral. A me of drunk in the street.
#ShawnWeLoveYou
#ShawnPleaseGetHelp
#ShawnYourFansAreWorried
"See? It is not just us. Everyone is concerned." Andrew points out. As I look up to him after taking my eyes from Geoff's phone, I notice how he seems wary about what he was about to say. And I was right, because what he said next made me feel like my whole world was collapsing one more time.
"I think that we should cancel the tour."
My stomach plunges and my heart stops for a few seconds in shock, until I finally manage to form some words. "No. No! No way in hell. That's not gonna happen!" I shake my head urgently. "I can't do that to my fans."
"I know it breaks your heart to do this Shawn, but it's for your own well being. You always work so hard to please them, you always put them in first place and it always took a toll on you. But now it broke you. I think you should at least for once put yourself before everyone else. They would understand, just see those tweets."
I stop to take in his words, not believing in what I was hearing. My fans would be completely heartbroken, I can't do that to them. I simply can't.
I was still in shock, absorbing this whole situation, imagining all that would happen if I did cancel the tour.
No way. I can't let that happen.
"No, Andrew, please don't. Don't make the fans suffer for something that I did." I say, my words desperate. They look between themselves and don't look much convinced, but they were certainly debating on it, which made me relax a little.
Geoff was about to start speaking, when we hear the loud sound of a phone beeping with the arrival of new text, and I realize it's my phone. I scan my eyes around the room and start to get worried, wondering where it is, when Geoff takes it out of his other back pocket. "I took it from you yesterday in case you decided to do something stupid." He explains.
He was about to hand it over to me when his eyes unwillingly fall on the screen, and seeing the text, he immediately pulls his hand back, hesitating on giving it to me. I scrunch my eyebrows together in confusion as he looks at it with wide eyes, and then shows Andrew the screen. Andrew swaps a look with Geoff, debating whether they should give me my phone.
"Guys, there is nothing for you to decide. The phone is mine, please give it to me." I ask.
Geoff sighs and hesitates, but extends his hand holding my hand towards me, a sympathetic expression on his face. I get it from him and turn the screen towards me, and my heart immediately stops, together with all my ability to breathe and think.
Shocked to see her nickname flashing on my screen, I act without thinking, and I literally chuck my phone back at Geoff. Geoff wasn't expecting this, and not having time to react, he hits with his hand my phone right back at me. And then it's a match of don't let the phone touch the ground, the phone flying between us as we try to catch it.
"Shit!" Geoff lets out as he barely manages to grasp it with his fingers, and suddenly I am throwing myself to the floor in order to catch it. I immediately let out an air in relief that I didn't even know that I was holding as I clutch my phone tightly in my hands. Taking my seat back, I unlock my phone, and open the text I was not expecting at all to receive.
My heart hammered against my chest as it appeared right before my eyes, a knot tying my throat.
Princess 👑: hey Shawn... I know this is weird for me to be texting u, but we really need to talk. Im so worried about u
I stay there reading the message all over again and again, until "typing..." appears at the top again. A little after, another text appears.
Princess 👑: Im sorry that only now im here. I just saw the videos and u were there needing help, and I wasnt there. I want to help u Shawn. I still care about u no matter what happened. You helped me before. Now its my turn to help you
There is a pause.
Princess 👑: just please talk to me
I really did not know what to say. Or for that matter, I didn't know what even to think or feel. All I can think of is about the fact that she still cares to the point that she wants to help me. Even after I broke her heart.
I couldn't help but feel this flame of hope ignite inside of me as the idea that maybe she wanted to patch things up between us crosses my mind, but I push it away. I'm too much of a mess right now. Even if she did want to get back, it would be unhealthy for her to be in a relationship with someone that has so many problems right now. She seems happy and well. I don't want to give her my burden.
Shawn: hey Sadie
Shawn: i wasnt expecting u at all to text me... but im really happy u did. Things are really a mess right now
She immediately read it, and typed and answer.
Princess 👑: would u want to talk to me about it?
I miss you so fucking much, I just want to be with you and be able to tell you that I love you.
No Shawn. Don't bring your relationship into this. She is clearly avoiding touching that subject. Right now she is concerned about me. Sure, one of the things that messed me up was the breakup. But I would feel so terrible if Sadie told me the reason why she was such a mess was because of me. I couldn't do that to her.
Besides, if I want things to turn into what they used to be, I need to be again my old self first.
I stand up and walk to another section of the bus, wanting this to be just between Sadie and I.
Shawn: its just... I think it is finally getting to me. My job, the pressure that comes with it, everything. I guess it would happen sooner or later to me. I need to be so fucking aware of every single thing that I do, because a single wrong move and people are already judging and deducing things. I just can't handle this anymore
Princess 👑: and drinking helps you take your mind of it?
I take a deep breath, my heart still beating fast against my chest at the shock of actually being talking to her after two months. She knew me so well, it's so crazy.
Shawn: Yeah...
Shawn: I know it is wrong and it doesnt solve anything, but I couldnt help it
Shawn: i was pretending like doing this was something normal, but i cant now
Princess 👑: how did u realize it so suddenly?
Shawn: andrew wants to cancel the rest of the tour
The flow of the texts stop, yet both of us were still online, me waiting for the Sadie to speak. After a good pause, "typing..." appears one more time, and a message pops up. This time quite a long one.
Princess 👑: god Shawn im so sorry for that, I can only imagine how u must feeling rn. But i wont lie that I dont see Andrew's POV... he is considering this for your own well being. However I know how much your fans mean to you. I know how u much u hate to disappoint people, i know exactly how u feel, u know that. I know u dont want to break your fans' hearts, but u also cant sacrifice yourself for this. And dont u even think of telling me that it is not that bad, i know it is, i saw it.
I take in her words, and I immediately start to type a text back, my thumbs flying across my keyboard. I start to feel my eyes tear up as I do so, my hands typing agressively.
Shawn: but I dont want to do this to my fans!
There is a pause.
Princess 👑: then stop drinking. If not for u, do this for them shawn. Drinking wont get you anywhere
As everything sinks in, it's like fog was completely cleared.
I need to stop this. Because of drinking, I turned into this agressive person, a person who I am not at all. And now I was going to disappoint my fans and people around me because of it? Isn't this more than enough of a reason to stop it? I know, it was the only pain killer I had. But if it was for them, I am going to have to endure the pain and go on with life with it. I'll get used to it eventually, I guess.
Shawn: you are right. Thats what im doing. I HAVE to do this.
Princess 👑: if u think that u can recover and still do shows nearly night, then go for it... but I wont let alcohol mess with someone I care about. Never again
I knew that she wasn't doubting me. She was just scared that she was influencing me on doing something that could potentially make me worse than help me. I feel this rush of emotions through me, my thoughts coming to my mind at a thousand miles a second. If I wasn't going to do this for myself, I was going to do it for my fans. I was going to do this for my friends and family.
I was going to do this for Sadie.
Shawn: I can and I will. I will stop drinking. And I will manage to get over this anxiety thing.
Shawn: I promise you this
Some moments go by, as I impatiently wait for an answer of hers as I stand up and start my way back to where Andrew was. Finally, a new text arrives.
Princess 👑: I know that u will. And im going to be here to help you no matter what. Count on me with anything