Ethan's P.O.V *trigger warning, mild language*
When life hands you lemons...
They squeeze them on you face.
They squeeze and squeeze until you've gone blind.
That's what I feel right now.
After spending time with Alex, Beth, and everyone else my mum came from her room telling me that the only other person whey were considering for the job was... my father. My dad the one who left us because I'm gay, yeah that same dad who know he's me, I know he hates me. I also know that he would tell my mum any chance he got and it's just... it's giving me anxiety.
"Mum it's not possible. Dad has a job, why would he need this one. It's not fair." Squeezing.
"I don't understand either. I guess he lost him old job and now he needs a new one. And he went after mine." She sighed.
"He can't do this! He can't! We're trying to get our life back in track! We're trying to recover from what he did to us! He left you! He left me." Squeezing.
"I know but things happen and... I guess this is too. I'm so sorry honey."
He's gonna tell her. He's gonna tell her and my whole life will be ruined. He's going to do it.
I cried.
I started crying like a little girl. I don't cry in front of my mum often but this is too much for me. All of my emotions are weighing down on me and trying to suffocate me. I can't bear with this. I can't do it. I- he can't tell her, she'll hate me. I'll hate me. That's the whole reason she needed that job, because I'm fucking gay and he didn't like that, so he fucking left. He left me and my mum to go find a new family because apparently having a long family tree is more important to him than my mum and I, his real family. My mum sat by me where I had dropped to the floor and she rubbed my back as she hugged me and I cried into her shoulder. If I told her that my dad left because of me, she would hate me. I'm not normal, why can't I just be like anyone else. If I was my dad would still be here and not away somewhere trying to take my mum's job.
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I don't know what happened. One minute I was crying my heart out and the next I wake up in my room without a single memory of how I got there or if it even did happen. I did however know that I had a bad headache and I didn't want to get up. My head hurt and my esophagus felt like it was closing up and it hurt. That its self proved that I'd been crying. My eyes are burning and probably redish. I'm tired of bad things happening to my mum. I'm tired of it, it's not fair to her. Just as that thought crossed my mind she walked in with a teacup and what appears to be pills.
"Hey, you woke up." She walked to the side of my bed and sat down on the edge, "I brought you some asprin and some tea for the headache and sore throat you must have."
"Thanks mum." I took the pills and before grabbing the tea.
"What happened? I don't remember coming to my room."
"I helped you walk over here, you were zoned a out more than anything. You were walking without knowing as if you were lost in your own mind. You were awake but you weren't here. Then I put you on your bed and I guess your mind tired you out and you fell asleep immediately." She put her hand on my knee and rubbed it soothingly.
"Oh." I don't know what to say anymore.
"It's fine dear. We're gonna make it past this okay, I still have this job, I can find something else if things go bad."
"I don't want you near him. I don't want to near him." My voice was hushed and raspy.
"I'll stay as far away as I can for as long as I can, if that's what's bothering you all stay away. I'll tell you if I see him and I'll tell you exactly what happened." She looked directly at my eyes with a look of utter sincerity.
I smiled at my mum. But I know that's not enough. She can't see him at all, he'll tell her, he'll tell her and she'll hate me. She'll hate me and I can't live with myself if she does. I'll hate myself. I took her husband. I chased my father away. It's my fault.
"Get some rest dear. Oh, I put your weeks pay on your bedside table. Watch some TV or something I have to go for another interview. I won't be back until late, feel free to order in."
"Will the interview include you seeing him?" I sat up more.
"No, it wont." She smiled.
"Okay." I sighed.
She'll hate me. She'll find out I took her lover and she will hate me.
I turned the TV on so I can hopefully get my mind together so I stop thinking about anything but my TV.
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After sitting and watching TV for a while I began to feel hungry so I grabbed my phone and ordered two pizzas. I won't finish them but I'll save some for my mum when she gets back.
After a few minutes of watching TV the doorbell went off and I got up from my bed and walked to the door where the pizza boy was standing. I payed and thanked him making sure to give a reasonable tip. I went to the kitchen got myself something to drink before taking one of the pizza boxes and taking it along with my pizza to my room.
"Ugh, I have school tomorrow." I muttered under my breath as I laid back on my bed.
I watched TV and ate pizza until I found it a suitable time to go to sleep.
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I looked around everything was unfamiliar and I had no idea where I am but it appears to be a lobby of sorts. I looked for someone, anyone who'd tell me where I am. However my mum walked through the door.
"Mum?"
"Oh, it's you." Huh?
"What are you doing here?"
"Wha- I don't know, I was gonna ask you why I was here. I'm confused." I shrugged.
"I don't wanna see you around here anymore. You're a disgrace to this family. You're just a stupid faggot. I don't want you near me. You took my husband. It's all your fault! You took everything from me! Fucking pansy stay away from me!" And with that tears were in my eyes as she walked away.
I-I'm a disgrace. I did this. Why?! Why did I do this?! I can't live like this! My mum hates me and it's all my fault!
Tears poured down my eyes. They fell like a waterfall against the rocks of an intense river. My mind was flooded with thoughts of self hatred and fear. I hate myself. I hurt my mum, and now she hates me. My tears weren't stopping they only got worse. Heavier and more constant.
Suddenly I felt like someone was running my back in a soothing manner. I tried seeing who it was but my tears wouldn't let me. I tried wiping some away but my vision was still blurry. This mysterious person hugged me and oddly enough I felt safe in this person's arms. I liked it here and whoever this was made me feel better. Made me feel loved and cared for. I didn't care much about the names my mum called me, I cared more that I ruined her life and she made it clear she no longer loved me. Who knows maybe she never did. I dunno I'm so lost. I just wanna meld my body with this person's and stay like that until... forever. I don't ever wanna let go. I can't hear what they're saying but I did hear a brief and muffled,
"I love you."
And for some reason my heart melted, I don't know who this person is yet I found myself wanting to say it too. I don't know what to do. What's happening?
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I woke up. My hair was stuck on my forehead with sweat. Tear stains marked my cheeks and my eyes were watery. I was actually crying, in my sleep. It was so real, I could've sworn that what my mum said was real and so was that person. I don't know what that whole thing was about but I feel like that was more that just a dream. Will this all really happen? Is this my future? God I hope not. I need help. I need to tell someone, I need to confide in someone. Who else better than my two best friends. I texted Megan and Jax to come to my house saying that I need to talk to them about something important face-to-face. Well face-to-face-to-face same thing. Five minutes later I got two text saying they'll be right here. Before complaining about the time. They need to be honest with themselves, they were probably not even sleeping or anything.
I doorbell went off and I went to open the door.
"I swear if this isn't important I'll stab you." Megan walked past me and sat on the couch.
"Yeah me too." Jax greeted me before walking in at least.
I went to sit with them on the couch.
"Okay so you know how my dad left right?"
They nodded.
"Well my mum applied for a job. She just so happened to have applied to a job that my dad was also applying for." I looked down. I'm almost done.
"Really? Wow that must suck." Meg grabbed my hand reassuringly.
"I know I told you that I didn't know why my dad left but ugh... I kinda do." I bit my lip.
"Ethan, you're scaring me. What happened?" Jax tried to remain calm.
"He left because I-" I stopped, I can't do this.
What if they hate me? Will they hate me? Will they support me in this? I don't know what to do. What do I say?
"I'm ugh... I-I'm..." At a loss for words.
"Ethan, you can tell us anything. What's wrong?" Megan squeezed my hand.
"I don't think I can do this." I practically sighed this out.
"Ethan, it's okay. Whatever it is you have to say you can say it. We're here for you no matter what. You know this is true because I'm not usually the sappy one in the group." Jax smiled.
That's true. Jax was never known to be emotional. He's usually the calm one who jokes around a lot. The thought of loosing him just makes me upset. Megan is the optimistic and happy person who has too many emotions. They balance each other out. I just don't want to loose them I don't know what they'll say.
"Come on Ethan, you can tell us." Megan smiled reassuringly.
I'm gonna tell them. I need to tell someone about everything and who better than my friends. However this thought didn't stop the tears forming in my eyes.
"I-I'm gay." Megan's grip on my hand remained still.
However I can't look at them. I'm scared. I had to tell them though. They're my best friends. I did however feel no tension in the air. It was all very still nothing was present. No thoughts, no words, but maybe some regret.
"Ethan look at me." I can't, I can't look at you.
Her voice sounded calm, I don't know what to feel.
"Look at me." I decided I'd cave but when I did the tears clinging to me eyes fell.
If I had a dollar for every time I've cried today.
"It's fine. We accept you, completely. In fact I'm already planning your wedding in my head." She smiled and so did I before we shared a hug.
"So your dad left because you're gay?" Jax asked and all I could do was nod.
"I'm worried. No, I'm scared that he's going to tell my mum and that she'll hate me for taking her husband from her. She's going to hate me isn't she?"
"Ethan, that's not going to happen. You'll be okay, okay?" I nodded still feeling unconvinced.
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Okay so I've been writing this chapter nonstop for two days and I'm just super happy. Not with the chapter I feel like the end was just lacking... something. Something I can't really put my finger on but I know it's not there. Anyways thanks for reading my stupid shit and hopefully liking it. I'm gonna be honest. I went on Google and looked up "offensive names for gay guys" Because I'm probably the biggest supporter of LGBTQ and I'm not any of those and I would never say any of that stuff to any of the friends I have that fit in that category. So, no I'm not gay I'm 100% straight but I do support LGBTQ. I will put a warning above about the word used which I don't ever use so I don't even know if I used them properly in a sentence. Anyway thanks for reading my ramble.
-Sarah Evans
February 23, 2017